GOALS

Ever since I can remember, I always attained what ever it was that I focused my mind on. Clear back to grade school, when I focused, I excelled. Whether it be reports, junior Olympics, drums, forts, trails through the woods and so on. When I became an adult, I excelled at various jobs because I made it happen in my mind. It could have been projects around the house, career choices, and ultimately the money I chased finally found me.

That seemed to change just prior to the turn of the century and my first divorce, bankruptcy and foreclosure. Since then, I have been like a stumbling hurdle jumper - continuously falling further back in the pack.

Why is this?

Was I better focused upon my goals as a child?
Was the ultimate failure of my marriage the downfall of my career and creditworthyness?
Are the goals now different?

Well, perhaps ALL are true.
Clearly, the goals ARE different. Yes, I do believe that the drive behind a man can be interwoven with his family's success, his career's successes and his abilities to grow an empire through credit and accumulation of wealth. And most simply - YES - due to the simplicity of youthful life, I was more proportionally focused as a child.

And yet, I have failed a number of times - at all of the above - in the last 12 years or so.
Hence the stumbling hurdle jumper analogy. Some success has transpired and yet it was also interwoven with an equal number of failures. Personal relationships have spiralled downward for me the most. It is there that all previous failures are reminders of the temporary-ness of today's disposable relationships.

Career-wise, I have grown into an anomaly of something I could have never pictured - nor sought out to become. In other words, the beaten path of this career is non-existent and the only reason I succeed is due to diligence and my own independence. In this regard, I place myself in the top 1% of America's working people, as I really don't care what others think... I am the best at what I do.

If anything, I find myself a victim of my own mind's willingness to play the "WHAT IF" game. What if I did this?... or that?... or said this?.... or that? Would things be different? Would I feel happier?
Since hindsight seems to be 20/20, (although even then not 100% of the time), historical analysts as myself often seem to find comfort in their respective paths through analysis of how they got there. Were the decisions faulty? Was it a "knee-jerk" reaction, or a thoughtful analysis?

The exception of course is death. Although inevitable, it also seems to be a cornerstone of events in my life. Each of my parent's deaths were followed by my changing jobs/careers. Ultimately they also were followed by a change of residence and a change in responsibilities. Each of my parents' deaths were followed by 2 jobs - the second of which became quite stable. But now that's where the similarities ended.

Relationships for me have always been their fragilest at the thought of cheating. Although the thought never bothered me for most of my 1st marriage, once the specter had entered the picture, it seemed that the marriage was over, despite it lingering in agony for both of us for 5 years after the fact.

My second marriage was riddled with trust issues. Almost all of it would be dispelled 8 years following the divorce, but the damage was done for that time and place. Since then, we reconciled after each of us had other relationships, and now any issues between us are more transitional issues as sex is no longer desired by either of us. We now have hallway sex - telling each other fuck you as we pass in the hall. There a a multitude of other issues that at this time I am ignoring because they're only issues if you plan on staying together.

My emotional echoes from my 3rd relationship may very well haunt me for some time. She was very sexually independent and experimental. She also never had a marriage or any other relationship go for longer than 7 years. Her nature is cyclical and fickle, (not my words - but the words of 3 others who knew her for a long time). Her tales of her sexual triumphs were the fodder for many of our early conversations and her promiscuity was flaunted regularly, (specifically a one-night stand conquest of a cabana boy in the Dominican Republic that had her own mother bragging as much as 4 or 5 years later).

Looking back, I thought that she was "the one" many a time - and I also see the seeds of each of our jealousies as the ultimate parting of our ways. In many regards, I find myself increasingly thinking of her as a lengthy one-night stand rather than a committed relationship. Her numerous flirtations with classmates and the band at the reunion; her intenet friends at a Buffy convention and her final straw - going out of state to spend a 3 day weekend (apart for the first time in 6+ years) with another man she met on line.... well, I was done. I didn't "knee-jerk", but rather thought about it for a week before I broke things off. I knew in my own heart that I could not endure that - especially since it had been over 3 years for sex and knowing her promiscuity, figured it was for the best.

Then, there was the alcohol.
Not realizing I was damaging my liver, I attempted to keep up with her when she drank (sometimes 4 bottles of Khalua per weekend). It affected everything from my sexual prowess to my blood pressure, to gout, to my liver enzymes which a mere 3 months following the break up, were 3 times the normal limit. I quit drinking. Also, since I was no longer around a smoker (plus no longer drinking) I suddenly was taking almost NO sinus meds and no ibuprofin.
There HAS been an UP side to the break up..... .... but back to GOALS. With #3, there were no goals... just an animal instinct like lust.

I now have no goals for relationships in my life.
I NEVER thought I would have kids.
I NEVER thought I would get married.
I had ALWAYS thought of myself as inheriting the family's house in North Royalton.
I had ALWAYS thought as seeing myself as independently wealthy yet had no specific course on how to get there.

NONE of that happened.
What does that say about my own ability to stay on task and achieve my goals?

I STILL envision myself alone - living alone - at a ripe old age.
Perhaps that is my ultimate goal...???

REALIZATIONS

More often than I care to admit, I spend time occupying myself with pursuits which seem as folly.

When I was young, I hadn't much of a care except being accepted by others.
When I was 25, I started dating someone much younger and - at the beckoning of one of my employers - promptly proposed - and a mere 16 months later was married.
When I was was married - many of my previous pursuits were set aside in lieu of the pursuit of money.
When I divorced, I substituted one hell on earth for another and remarried.
Another divorce and then family took precedence again.
When I resurfaced, I met someone with many of the same interests - or so I thought.

When six years had passed, familiarity had bred contempt. Alcohol had blurred the attraction and two once inseparable people had completely nothing in common. When I sobered up, it was a realization that I had done most of this to myself.

Alcohol had dominated my life. It made the bands I viewed seem better. It made the jokes we shared more enjoyable. It made the entirety of my life seem less burdensome. It made me sick.

Flash forward two years.
Through the medical care, the gout, hypertension and liver enzyme problem have all been eliminated.
The heartaches still haunt me because she lost interest and sought excitement elsewhere.
The remorse of pursuits dropped for a multitude of reasons and now recognized as having a potential to have been life shaping.
The recognition that I no longer need the crutch of beer and how much of my life was squandered drinking, when I could have had a completely different life path.

REALIZATIONS....
Maybe it's not too late

You're kiddin' me, right?


Doesn't really matter what this blog's about.... Who cares, really?

Change is inevitable.
Not oblama's change... he's a friggin' socialist and I'm not.

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I'm speaking directly toward personal direction, here.
I no longer see myself as a part of anyone's life specifically.
What does that mean?
Women in my life have just become a temporary - for the moment - appendage.
In other words, there may be a time in my life when I would desire the company of a woman - and for the rest of the time - naught.

Another change will be coming soon.
Perhaps it is the part 2 I foresaw back in October, 2008, when I was last free from the pressures to change or transform. (You know... the old "I Love You... Now Change" mentality of women-folk). This change will involve a more detailed departure from the internet - specifically... my website.

Tick...tick...tick...
I'm now on the clock.

Weirdness Abounds

It's been over 2 years.
Enough is enough! Yet, my subconscious must not yet be ready to let go.

Just when I am getting accustomed to my life as it has become, I have a VIVID dream. There's a whole lot of people over at my mom's house. Many of the "scenes" in the dream depict a combination of the "Turn-around Picnic" that we had when I was a kid of about 10 and an old southern "tea" social in the front yard of our house as well as one scene between the houses of Moffat's and Phillips', across the street. There ARE some people in complete garb with the time - specifically, the frilly whoop skirts similar to those depicted in "Gone With The Wind".

In my dream, I "see" Diana, my ex-girlfriend, across the street, as I am emerging from the woods. It doesn't seem odd to me - to be emerging from the woods - because I was often playing in the woods as a kid. It is quite apparent to me that Diana wants to speak with me as she keeps following me as I make my way towards my front yard and the activities there.

The really weird part is that both mom and dad are there - complete with old southern garb - and I knew for a fact within the confines of my dream - that they were already dead. At that moment, when the realization hit that they were already dead, the images of mom, dad - even Mrs Moffat - seemed to disappear from the story, although I KNEW that they were still there, somewhere.

Diana approached and as always in a dream - I was unable to get away. She asked how I was doing, told me she had a boyfriend out of state and that she'd like to see me again. I told her "no thanks", I was back with Cheryl and she said she knew because she already talked with Cheryl - pointing over to a smiling, waving Cheryl..., and that she'd still wanted to "see" me sometime. There were sexual relationship overtones to her words.
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The shock woke me up and all at once the memory became a photograph in my mind. With the awakening, the images of the deceased people in the dream faded to black and white and the question of "WHY?" plagued me for the rest of this day.

WHY...
...after over 2 years did I dream of her again?
...was Cheryl cordial and not venemous?
...didn't I run back into the woods and go build a fort!?!?!?

Friggin Subconscious needs an off switch!
At this rate, I'll NEVER get any peaceful sleep.