Its going on 4 months...

How am I supposed to feel?

I miss you. You're not coming back. Our friends are great... including me in everything they do. You're with me ... but your not.I hope you're happier and pain free. If. you could just sense these thoughts you'd know I still love you.

123

Chapters In Time

They say that you'll never look forward if you're looking back. 

They also say that those who don't learn from the mistakes in their past are doomed to repeat them.

To coin a phrase from an old girlfriend: "Who are THEY and What do they know?"

I've learned life's lessons very hard. 

I've fallen victim to my own deadly sins: Lust; Greed; Coveting thy neighbor's possessions to name a few.

LUST: 1994. Stupid mistake #1. An affair. No matter what the circumstances, I shouldn't have let it happen. I never have lived it down, and probably won't. No matter what that other side says, they can't let it go. STILL. Blaming Cheryl was convenient, but wrong. Dead wrong.

GREED: 1989. Started with the purchase of Dellwood. Grew with every purchase after that. Appearing to have more money than what we did. New cars every couple years; a deck, that grew. Landscaping that was charge cards. 3 mortgages; a tanning bed; a Porsche; Newer Mustang Convertible; Mini-van. The cars and trading them in have continued. Greed to NOT lose the family home caused me to place myself in harms way financially in 2004 or 05 - whenever mom signed the transfer on death deed. I had delusions of being the big man on the block - owning a house that I could never afford or finance. What little mortgage knowledge I had really caused me more harm than good. 

COVETING NEIGHBORS POSSESSIONS:  More like keeping up with the Pollacks and VanScyocs that started the trend. And it continued... and it continued... and so on.

My life is in shambles;

2 marriages;

2 divorces;

4 kids that really want nothing to do with me;

1 failed significant relationship;

Going on 5 Bankruptcies

2 foreclosures.

And now I'm in a condo I can not afford... a car payment that carries a 24.99% interest rate... and headed into a 5 year chapter 13. I have 6 months to downsize. Then I move to a more affordable situation. 

Directions...

So many posts about the multitude of directions. Fear of failure has been haunting me forever.

Only when I plunged into the water on faith alone.... faith in myself... have I ever succeeded. 

1995-99 - employment-wise; 1970-82 Percussion-wise.  1980-87 Marriage-wise. 

Putting the needs of others ahead of mine has always been my forte. 

The winds have changed. The next 30 are for me

Failure

I've heard most of the cliches and seen bundles of motivational posters regarding failure.

I've lived it.

Failure is my only true success in life. 

6 weeks isn't very long. 
... it's an eternity.

She was here 7 weeks ago. I visited her we watched TV and I went home... figuring she would come home some day... have a transplant... and we'd grow old together. 

6 weeks and 1 day ago, she died. 
Much has happened.
And so much remains the same...

This could take a lifetime to get over.

123 Honey

Until we meet again Cheryl...

Yesterday was a very long day.

Cheryl answered God's call.
I have no way to express my grief. 

Time sometimes stands still at the most inopportune moments. I just want to feel whole again. Time will begin moving soon. Meanwhile, I endure...

Thank GOD for Sammy & Cindy & Dylan, Todd, Greg, Ray. Leslie and all the friends everywhere. They kept me busy and helped me beyond words.

Thank you comes up short.

She shared her vision with the world... her vision of photography. Her vision touched so many and they are responding beyond my ability to tell...

Her presence will be missed...




123 Honey