On the verge...

In my past, I could "sense" when there were changes on the horizon.
Late 1979 for example. My life was about to change and by mid February, 1980, the course was set. I didn't know where or what.... but I just knew my life would be different. I now had someone by my side.

Late November, 1987. After a whirlwind 6 months - through the final sickness and death of dad - I sojourned on through resignation, hiring and resignation again, followed by months of unemployment until I landed the job at CUNA Mutual. Not much income, per se, but still... a job.

January, 1998 felt like changes coming. Little did I know they would be on all fronts... Job... Marital... places I lived... It took 4 more years for the tidal wives of life to subside... And even then, the seeds of change were planted. Still, there was a tranquility that settled in for about 5 years between 2002 and 2007, except for a couple job changes and experiences falling into place there.
By Christmas, 2007, I had been self employed for 3 months, generating income, in a new apartment and the boys were still coming by. Life was still pretty good.

June, 2008. After staring the pond expansion the previous labor day, and Diana wishing to enclose the back yard for Lily with privacy fence, her pond was finally coming together. However, it seemed futile. I knew, the harder I worked, the less we would have in common after it's completion. By the July 4th weekend and Diana's mom's visit, the strain between her and I was very apparent. In less than 2 months we would be finished. I can honestly say I contributed a great deal to driving her to seek out other men. Hurt and yet thrilled by my new bachelorhood, I sojourned on again.

December, 2008 opened the door to the seeds planted in 2000. Cheryl and I re-connected. For the next 4 1/2 years she assumed my band photography, and I backed down again - this time twice.
In 1982, I gave up drumming to become a husband and father. While that interest rekindled in 2009, those seeds never were given the chance to germinate via Cheryl's negative reinforcement.  She was so insecure about the fact that I may be stolen away by a groupie that she perpetually was derogatory toward my ambitions there. She even accused me of competing with her photographically and told me to stop it.

On the employment front, she practically bitched me into abandoning my self employment for a desk job, and then immediately bitched about me being gone all the time. I switched jobs to a closer one, and pushed the envelope to make more money and she still was not happy. When the opportunity of overtime finally presented itself in October, 2012, I jumped at it.For the next year, I slaved at work in order to stay away from her. I wasn't going to leave... I was just not going to be there.

About the same time that I was hired on full time (from temp status), I sensed the ending of life as I knew it. She had begun the battery of tests, even teeth pulled, for the transplant. I knew some big changes were on the horizon. I just didn't know what. As her health declined, we thought the transplant would now come sooner than later. By the second week of April, 2013, innocence turned into reality. I never expected what it would be like to lose someone to death. Now, I reflect upon memories and fondly recall the little things... a smile that was emblazoned in my memory... the cute way she used to grab my hand for no reason at all...  

By November 2013, more changes were on the horizon. I had always taken work for granted. Layoffs had begun. The weeks of not knowing... the seeing of others let go. The guilt. A great deal of my ambition had died by the time the layoffs were done. For the first time in years, I reactivated my resume and began to look, anew. 2013 also ended with a new home for me. A home that I now feel like I belong in after a year.

My energies and focus got blurred for a great amount of time in 2014. Dismay over work and the loss of overtime. The increased reliance on pay day advances through out two thirds of 2014. The meeting of someone (Jude) and the cutting of the ties with her after 2 months... Not only was I not ready - I wasn't likely to enjoy the negativity she expressed continuously toward me after two months together. We were far less compatible than initially expressed and I nipped it in the bud before getting stuck again in a dependency situation.

Now, as 2015 approaches, I have a sense of eminent change again. I'm hopeful it is a career change. I can not endure the anxiety every Sunday night, or the dread I have for work in general. I need to do something I like for a change. That means, NO INSURANCE - NO MORTGAGES - NO REAL ESTATE - NO TITLE!

Time will tell....
Stay tuned