The Hardest Part

It's been nearly 2 years since Cheryl died.

I'm pretty much accustomed to spending my life alone.

The hardest part is trying to go to all the places we used to go to together. It gets old in a hurry. i would like to go back to Marblehead and see the light house, museum and shoreline. i need to do this alone, because i sense i need to.

I need to get down by hale farm, also to Punderson, and more plces in the cuyahoha valley...

All of these...

I need more closure than what ive had.

Visiting the past

Tax refunds in hand, I spent all (and more) on myself for Valentines Day.


The first purchases were to round out my Harry Potter DVD collection. Additionally, I replaced Cheryl's broken camera with another (en route) and also another camera similar to her other one. (Interchangeable lenses).

But, back to Harry Potter...

Tonight's feature is HP & the Chamber of Secrets.

I suddenly was mentally taken back in time...
2004-ish. Diana and I were watching this movie while drinking.
She would giggle and laugh at parts of the movie, get teary eyed at other parts...

It was a pleasant time. Probably the happiest I have been in 11 years since.

Vivid Dreams

I gotta get this down before I forget it all....

Last night, - IN MY VIVID DREAM -  I was shooting two gigs....
My best friend was playing in both bands - 2 different locations.

First location, a bar with rough cut wood paneling, lighter in color (told you it was vivid).
In my dream I was tired. Didn't really take more than about 50 pics. Mostly people in the crowd. Vivid color of red was present everywhere, shirts, background items, and so forth.

Second gig, which was later that night.
An airport lounge. I was really tired. A local guitarist, made good and now travels regularly, hubbed in Chicago was playing and my best friend was in that band as well. This location was like an airport lounge, Casual seating including chaise lounges. I took a few shots, then planted on one chaise and fell asleep. In my dream I slept for two hours, looked up and they were still playing, so I rolled over.

All of this was still in my dream. Extremely vivid. Lighter color decor, mostly whites, cream colored and again with red and this time blue cushioned chairs. Suddenly, the direction of my chaise lounge was pointing away from the band.  I was sleeping on my back. Cheryl appeared and was sitting astride me, on my crotch. She looked happy, looked around, acknowledged my friend and also the guitarist from Chicago, and then looked back at me, holding my arms down with her knees while she sat directly on my crotch and ground away teasingly on me. She looked up, looked around, and asked me "where's your wife?"  "I don't have one", I replied. "Where's your Girlfriend?" "I don't have one of those, either". She got very close to me, looking down at me with her hair hanging on either side of her head as she just looked at me, and then she smiled.

I woke from the dream and realized I was dreaming, and yet still all felt very real.
In my dream, although she never spoke, her gaze spoke volumes to me, as if she were telling me to move on with my life. I felt a warm glow inside for part of the morning, even after I had shaved, showered and driven 45 minutes to work. In fact, on the way to work, I found myself tearing up, thinking of her, and missing her.

I suppose I could try to logically write this off as part of the healing process. Perhaps it was, but I still felt her spirit in my dream. The playfulness she had when we were alone... the love she sometimes let slip when she wasn't trying to be such a hard ass.... the fact that I still miss her terribly, and yet, something had become different.

You see, the Cheryl in my dream was more like the old Cheryl I fell for back in 1999, when she was much healthier and much skinnier. It was as if God had sent her to me in my dreams to let me know she was OK and happy now.

I hope so!