A degree of transition

Crossroads come and they go. They make up our lives.

Events of the past have preoccupied me lately. Mostly because of the 5th year anniversary of Cheryl's passing on 4/17/18. Others because I feel somewhat nostalgic.

I posted late 4/17 on the 5th year of Cheryl's passing, keeping several obvious people off the post. (Heather and her family that I am friends with; My sister Linda as well). You know, the once highly supportive Cleveland Music community panned the post for the most part. At this moment, only 6 reactions were registered. These alleged friends, were apparently nothing of the sort. Quite a sobering realization.

Our move to Massillon isolated us in many ways, including the music community. Invites by band members to their events are down. When we DO venture out and listen to bands, they seem shocked that we travel "all that way" just to see them. We've heard that more than once.

My retirement has slowed me down quite a bit. I daresay, I no longer feel the pulse in my ears, which means my blood pressure is down. While that is good, other things are quite alarming. My balance is GONE! My dexterity, GONE! In three months since retiring, I have very little motivation to do anything.

Paying Photography gigs are down. That has less to do with the move and more to do with the change in the industry toward digital DJs and tracks. Bars collapse everywhere due to mis-management and the band venues go with them. Bands no longer wish to PAY for photos. They'd rather use the fans' cell phones. I don't foresee band photography in any great amount in the near future. Doors that were always open in the past (wanting free photos) are closing. I still feel that the future of bar music is in artists who play their own originals.

Speaking of doors closed.
In 2014, feeling lonely, I pursued a relationship with the most toxic person I have ever met. Jude was highly conflicted and gave off such a confusing aura that I mistook it for her being mysterious. In truth, she was an emotionally arrested and confused child. After breaking up before moving in together, our shared life dwindled within a month of our move in and we began the year long task of separating her stuff and mine. She literally ran off with Jaime, a friend I introduced her to, leaving her own home during the final three months of my stay, until my apartment were ready. This truly was one relationship I should have NEVER pursued.

Over the Christmas holidays, she attempted to PM Heather, trying to contract me. (I have completely blocked her on all media and my phone). Then, about a month and a half ago, I get a PM from Vicky Meany that she dumped Jaime in January for another guy. I politely bowed out of the conversation, wishing her well. It seems that response wasn't enough, as 2 weeks later Vicky was back with further info stating they were engaged. (As if I were to drop what I was doing and scurry back). Again, I politely wished her well and declined to discuss the topic further. My illusions of Vicky being a concerned friend vanished, being replaced by the words Gossip and Busy Body. I was very disappointed in her.

At this juncture, I no longer fear the results of my move here, and rather am turning my attention toward the future.
The more bands I shot, the more prima-donna egos I ran into. Shooting photos of mother nature, there are no egos - therefore, no stress. It would appear that I have accepted my new home base and are looking at horizons in 360 degrees for new adventures.

I daresay I'll never shoot the likes of Ace Molar, Dave's Planet and the like again. Since they don't play for free, I'll not shoot for free. The saddest realization is that I was nothing more than a gear grunt, and free publicity for them for a seven year period from 2009 thru 2015. Many other bands stepped up to the plate, just not them. That stings a bit, but I can't dwell on my mistakes.

I have a gig Saturday, in Cleveland. We'll see what transpires. It could be my last - or a bridge toward more in the future.
Time will tell.

In the meantime, I am emotionally closing the door on the past. Some of my larger mistakes are too painful to reminisce.

Times past

I had honestly forgotten about this place.

When I left off, I was still stinging from the broken relationship. I had sworn off women, and promised I'd never cohabitate again.Then came Heather. Just about a month after the decision to leave Jude's place, she introduced herself and we started seeing each other, only after she assured me that she was getting a divorce.

Much has happened since.

On 11/3/17, we moved to Massillon, so she could be closer to her twin girls.It's a really nice house and yard, quiet street, backs up to a ravine, and the rent isn't terrible.

January 19th, after much deliberation and having turned 62, I retired. The income is actually more than my net pay, and the cost of fuel to drive to Cleveland every day.

We now have a dog, Dot.

About a month ago, I received a series of messages from Vicki Meany, regarding Jude. First she said Jude dumped Jaime in January for another guy. Then, she messaged back about a week later, stating she was now engaged. In each message response, I took the high road, stating I hoped she was happy and doing well. I then changed the message conversation.

On the 24th of April, I go before the Bankruptcy judge once again, this time, in Stark county. Hopefully, this will be my last trip there. Everything is going this time. EVERYTHING! I got a beater, 2005 Chevy Blazer to replace my Santa Fe. I paid $1800 cash from my 401k proceeds that I cashed out.

Prior to moving here, Heather moved in to my one bedroom. She was happy at first but her glee receded as time went on and her anxiety set in. She still deals with it but is managing to learn how to control it herself.

My retirement is sheer joy. It permits me to go out and take photos as often as weather permits. To me, this is heaven!

While i now have time to reflect, I see that both my 2nd marriage and reconciliation, along with my relationship with Jude were out of loneliness, period. I never sought Heather out, she found me. We do many of the same things and clique together, except when she's anxious. She's learning how to deal with it without so many meds.   Diana was a lengthy process of seeking out not only a girlfriend, but someone to do fun stuff with. Alcohol and growing apart killed that relationship. I now realize the single incident that triggered my marriage to Nancy as well: Don Cerino's question asking me, "are you gonna marry that girl, or what?" That question made me realize that I was late in the process and at age 24, had not married like so many of my peers of my age.

I now realize with E.D., age, retirement and all that life has now thrown me, should I ever wind up alone again, I'd be OK with it. I'd find an apartment - probably back at Pine Forest, and live my remaining years alone.

Another realization: My bankruptcies were event related.

1999 - Chapter 7 due to divorce. Was responsible for $2250 in monthly support payments - needed to make room for me to exist.

2001 - Chapter 13 due to 2nd divorce. Clearly, Marriage and me don't mix.

2009 - Chapter 7 due to house inheritance incorporating Mom's reverse mortgage - inheriting house after hear 2007 death.

2012 - Chapter 13 due to loss of self employed income and Cheryl's illness. Due to new BK Laws, this one was not dischargable

2013 - restated 2012 Chapter 13 to attain discharge

2018 - Chapter 7 - due to retirement, extension of the 2013 Chapter 13 for another year and a half beyond 5 year discharge; Medical Copays due to that fucking Obamacare

After all is said and done, if I rid myself of relationships and credit cards, I should be fine and out of the BK Court!

So, while there are those who scoff at my early retirement, I relish in the time I now have for ME!

The rest of my time here is for my own enjoyment