Shifting sands

I'm starting to think social media has run its course.  While mogels like Mark zuckerbutt clamping down on free speech, I've seen real, lifelong friends leaving the antagonistic,  pro antifa, anti trump crowd that stifles free speech.  

Some go elsewhere,  more suitable to their tastes. Others yield to texting and meeting in person. 

I'm hoping that this is the beginning of the end of social media. 

blah

Yesterday night I went to barro de Mario's to watch Impulse. 

They were good. 

Saw Suzanne.  She told me why she left Facebook.  It was cuzbher ex is flaunting his new g/f. I understand that.  

Mario's was expensive.  Dinner was too. $40 for a hamburger and 4 beers. 

Perhaps that's why I'm so blah today. I feel down cuz I'm not in a band. I feel down cuz I missed fillmore east at Nashville Nights last night.  I feel down cuz all the fat women.  The only slim ones were 20 somethings and I realized I'm 3 times theor age. 

I'm realizing I'm old

Transitions

I've been alluding to changes I'm aware of. It's been occurring since my stroke.  

It's not just physical,  but also mental, psychological and emotional as well.  

My endurance is down. 

My breathing as well.

Physical strength is not as prevalent either. 

My desires have also shifted.  Post stroke,  I was gung ho to get back playing and gig again.  I accomplished that. Within a week after the gig, although my heart said yes, my body and mind had other ideas. Eventually,  I realized I didn't have the strength and endurance to do this yet. 

I had begun to contemplate selling some drum kits. I still may do it. 

I began restructuring my life. Got the van for deliveries,  and it's paying off!!!

Reconsidered going to gigs so far away. The sly fox on Wednesday was eye opening on many levels. Sommer and Klann were sheer perfection! But the sly fox crowd has changed.  It is no longer any fun. Neither the bands nor the crowd are entertaining me any more. 

Thats the gist of it too. It's been before covid that I really enjoyed myself watching a band. Perhaps it's because I've been in 3 since the 4th quarter of 2019. 4 if you include Silverback.  I may never play again, but it's altered my way of thinking. 

My life experiences have also tainted my view of women.  Prior to covid, I'd have flirted like hell with any girl, old or young, big or small.  

Now, I guard my comments around Suzanne Sohar, because she's grossly overweight.  I haven't seen Anita Jett since before covid,  and stopped communicating after I was told off. And, Dawn Lea Stricklin... has always flirted, but never committed.  And the last incident closed her chances permanently. 

Even though Heather is back with Randy and will be going away with him soon, I have lost all interest in pursuing myself a fling.  I think Lauren cured that for me permanently.  Women today are psycho!!

Another thing... I like my solitude.  Cities aren't for me.  Too peopley!

I prefer the countryside 

In closing,  I'm going through a transition. Who knows when or where I'll resurface agIn.

The foretold part 2

Well, a day late....

Went to the sly fox last night.  

While musically,  Sommer and Klann were perfection, and it was great seeing JD and Cy, the crowd was scant and my interest waned. Philly cheese and Bruce tried, and Phil and I talked drums, it was socially a flat evening. 

Just reminded me that my interest has changed  

Busy day, perhaps pt 1

I've been home since about 2:30. Heather is already gone.  Won't be back until Friday. 

Today's 2 day total is 201 and some change.  Been kicking ass, job wise. 379 goes in tomorrow from last week.  If I can maintain 350 per week,  that'll add 1400 per month income.  That's an additional 19600 per year.  

I can make do with that income. Heather doesn't contribute and won't have to.  

Like I said,  this may be part 1

Differences

Last week was a transition.  New vehicle to roadie with. Easily jumped ahead and had sort of a slow down to end at 379. 

I didn't go out Fri or Sat and didn't really miss it. I've closed the dawn chapter without too much remorse as well as other girl chapters. 

Heather is back with randy.  Wednesday she'll be gone 2 days,  and next week is going away with him for a few days when Sallie is at camp. 

I only know I've got to make money. So roadies at around 350 a week will net me 1400 per month.  That, plus ss at 1368 will bring in 2700ish per month , or 32,400 per year.  That's MIS money right there!

Keep plugging a few years and the nissan will be paid. 

It will take work, but it'll get done 

Dawn's phone

(330)696 7454

Feeling rejected??

I've been toying with isolation and without realizing it,  I've accomplished it.  

I wanted to go out tonight.  It was a perfect opportunity,  as Sallie was here,... but I was exhausted. 

I texted dawn to let her know I couldn't come out. The text I got back was allegedly from Keith wiley, to stay home and get better.  Either it was Keith... and if so, what's he doing with her phone? Or it was dawn,  acting to be Keith to throw me off. 

Decision one. Delete dawn. Just like Lauren.  

I was her playboy. Always was. 

Now to randy.  We've been texting and he said get well... don't lose the drum head, you never know....

Is he playing me? Fdont know...

Struggled month

Degenerative abilities 

Increased tiredness 

Bands avoiding me like the plague 

"Pride month"

Juneteenth becomes a federal holiday 

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???

This isn't my president

This isn't my congress

Therefore,  taxation without representation 

Time for a new Boston tea party,  but one more pertinent and would pass off congress. To hell with the rotten potato and the cackling magpie. Some form of tea party protest aimed at the congress.  One of their pet projects.  Something to rally around.

Oh well, I'm just a nobody with no ideas and I'm too old. That's why I turned off the news. It's all made up to mold Joe sixpack's ideas anyway 

Banner day... somewhat

New van. $106 day. I won't be able to do that every day,  but a couple times a week would be nice. As far as I  can guess,  the van will get about the same gas mileage as the rogue.

New floor mats and windshield wipers, plus washing fluid. My cell phone holder came.

I had mr hero for dinner.  Heather went out to dinner again with Gary tonight.  She came home only to tell me that Monday night when she spent it at Randy's,  she fucked him twice. 

I gotta find someone for me.  When this shit started 3 years ago,  I bought a drum set. Then cymbals.  Anything to make me feel better.  I need a companion 

New future

I've been rationalizing everything as of late. Truth be told,  I needed time off to just recoup. 

While I'd like to be in a band again,  the possibility of turning that page is real. I've played live in 3 bands. Knowing what I know now, Route 95 was never going to play out. The 3 of us had different agendas, in 3 different directions. I need a more like minded group to be in. 

Nowadays,  music isn't even that high on my list.  Work takes center stage.  To that end, today completed that and the ebay store.  I got a Ford transit cargo van to roadie and go picking with

Transitions

Two years ago I stopped photography.  The iPhone and rude people were the reasons. I still have 4 cameras. 

Almost 4 months ago I had a stroke,  which all but halted my return to drumming.  Although I joined a band,  practiced learning 60 songs in 3 weeks and played out, the resulting recovery was and is still going on. I still have 3 complete drum sets.  I hope to Play again in the future,  but that dream is faltering too.

I used to go out 2-3 times a week to see live music.  That has lost it's glimmer too. 

Maybe its because I've done it. It doesn't seem all that glamorous any more.  

Not the photography 

Not playing in a band 

Not watching bands.

They've all lost their shimmer.  

Late night road trips.

Rude crowds. 

Phoney people. 

The last few times I went out, I kept thinking,  I busted my ass to get here... why? Same goes for drumming,  or photography.  Why???

Now, work drives me. Target $300 per week.  Thats it. 

Declaration Day

6/10/21. 

After years of reflections, griefs about how I was left by Diana,  Cheryl's death,  Jude's 2 faced personality and Heather's multiple boyfriends,  I've decided that today is Declaration Day.

Sure, in many ways I was hurt by all listed above. It's time for them to stop hurting me. While being Declaration Day, the actual work will be done later,  in support of today's Declaration.

THESE WOMEN WON'T HURT ME ANYMORE!!!!

...and now to not let those prior defeats hurt me...

Revelation number... whatever

Today,  I learned that Heather is talking again to randy.  As a matter of fact,  she's spending next Monday night at his place because he is taking her to the clinic.  

Meanwhile,  she's bugging Gary for more money to buy a van. She dumped Jonathan from Pittsburgh and is playing the remaining 2.

I just don't know her. I never really knew her. 

My Spidey senses must have felt it though.  Just before I woke up this morning I was dreaming about being confronted by Sheri Horvath about what was going on between Mike and my "girlfriend". In that dream I was explaining that Heather and I weren't a couple since mid 2018. I explained about my E.D. starting in 2005, losing Diana,  Jude and Heather to their needs to be fucked. Cheryl and I weren't intimate the second time (2009-13), and then sheri wanted to know about  Heather's activities.  I said up to last August,  she was dating randy and booking Gary.  

It was a very realistic dream. Then Heather bombs me with the randy news. My clairvoyance has returned.  I KNEW!!

Oh well,  it's me and Dot again...

B

31 years ago tonight

There was a beer bash on the back deck at dellwood. I was 34. Working at Cuna Mutual. It was a good buzz. Mikey was born.  Mom had the girls. Little did I know that it wasn't the last.

29 years ago,  I had left handy andy, after being busted working 2 jobs. I knew my time was up at CMIG and was given a week off to reevaluate my job. 

The next few years were tough.  It was only in late 94 when my direction... and ultimately my marital future changed. 

But, at this time in 1990, it was Friday night and the party was on!

Well, I tried...

I tried out for 5 bands in the last 18 months. 

Circling Buzzards  +

Silverback + 

Barking  Bonze -

Route 95 +

Muddy River Project  +

Didn't make the cut with Barking Bonze... no loss. Didn't get far with Silverback.  Worked hardest with Route 95 but was cut short by my stroke.  Played out with the Circling Buzzards and Muddy River Project, who gave me 3 weeks - audition to gig. 

Reality is... I'm not that good.  And, post stroke,  my endurance and recovery time is nil.

But, I tried.  The future... ???... in doubt. The Muddy River Project is a blues band and wad supposed to be easier... NOT!

________________

I've resigned myself to roadies.  

I also tried to get a small cargo van to do roadies and estate sales. No dice either.  Too expensive,  despite my credit building. 

Onward.....

History starts repeating itself

This evening,  Heather had a dinner date with Gary.  The first in about 10 months.  She left here at 5:15 and didn't return until about 10:30. That's OK, I had a hero sandwich and some beers, watching the titans that built America on the history Channel. 

Then, the IMs start from Suzanne. I told her about Heather's date, and seeing other guys for 3 years. She started in saying I need a close friend and it could be her.  (Trying not to be mean), I again explained how I was damaged inside and not really looking to hook up. (While she's got pretty eyes and smile, I have no interest in a fat chick). I got out of the conversation shortly after that.

Settling in to watch the show again,  I got a call from Dawn.  First in a long time. We chatted for about an hour.  It was so nice, after I took Dot out,  I texted her thanking her for calling.  Her response was I'm impotent to her.  WOW!!!