Seeds of Change

Not every path can be seen.
Not every change, envisioned.
The seeds of change can often be planted years ago. Just because nothing happens on the surface doesn't mean that the change isn't transpiring beneath.

These posts here can be - and often are - reflective.
Sometimes the past is all that we can see clearly.
Often, the further back you go, the clearer you see.

Such is the case in point for this post.
Today I read some words that were posted on October 10, 2008. It was shortly after a transition point in my life. The feelings these words brought back were of that time period. Pain. Sorrow. A sense of loss.
Occasionally, when in a reflective mood, I re-visit the mental images of the past and re-visit those same feelings as well.

Today's visit was different, however.
I remembered the fun, the projects, the laughter and even the love of a past partner.

__________________________________________________________

The road that lead to the end of that relationship was long... ...and for a while - care free.
As sobriety and mental clarity have returned, however, I now see where the road became frought with "Life's IED's" along the road. From our very first date, the common ground laid was alcohol and secrets on either side. The outcome, although perhaps delayed by several years, was inevitable.

Each of us strong willed and stubborned, I heard the "re-evaluate our relationship speech" several times throughout our early years (2002 - 2005) and then it disappeared from her lexicon. Perhaps that is why, when the end did come, it hurt so bad.

Still... the end DID come.
It was - as I said - inevitable.
People's life patterns, no matter how buried, do re-surface in time. There's a saying in life for that: "Old Habits Die Hard". Her internet activities seemed to increase, but maybe they never really went away.
The toxicity of the relationship had come full circle, and the relationship that never was more than just an extended fling, ended.

I have an uncanny pattern to continually make the same mistakes in life.
Either I am an incredibly naive optomist, or I maintain a lifelong membership on the short bus of life's lesson learning abilities. My credibility is nil.

So...
Where does that leave me?
Seeing how my kids are now all grown, doing their own thing, and my family scattered after my move, I'd say for the first time since 1980 - AT A CROSSROADS. I have some decisions to make and no timetable - other than life's own clock - to make them.

This may very well become my life's pursuit, after a 30+ year absence:

THESE Seeds began sprouting roots in October, 1968.
THESE Seeds are about to bear fruit after a 30 year stretch of hibrination.
Bout Damn Time!

Another reflection....

It is always bitter-sweet when someone who had done you wrong gets their own.
On one hand, justice prevails.
On the other hand, you reflect upon a "better time" and realize that taking solace in somone else's loss(es) isn't the right way to feel.

In fact, it is the latter way I feel about my former boss.
During a rather indebted period of my life, while I was literally struggling, as was my mom, my employer for 6 years took me under his (and his wife's) wings and sheltered me from the financial pain. I did not get rich - but I existed.

Within the last month, I discovered the first concrete evidence that they too, had come under some financial strife, even being forced to take a substantial loss in the sale of their million and a half dollar home. I had been through the house during it's construction. A massive 5000+ sq ft showpiece with ALL the bells and whistles, granite and amenities that you could imagine.

A sinking, sickening feeling ensued as I looked at the home's photos from the sale on Realtor.com. It was to be their end-all home. The housing crash took their customer base.... diminished their business... and eventually they lost both their home and their livelyhood - both within 3 months time.

While my memories of that time now include good memories, the sadness I feel for them and the loss of their home outweighs any resentment I once felt.

This is a very sad reflection....