Not every path can be seen.
Not every change, envisioned.
The seeds of change can often be planted years ago. Just because nothing happens on the surface doesn't mean that the change isn't transpiring beneath.
These posts here can be - and often are - reflective.
Sometimes the past is all that we can see clearly.
Often, the further back you go, the clearer you see.
Such is the case in point for this post.
Today I read some words that were posted on October 10, 2008. It was shortly after a transition point in my life. The feelings these words brought back were of that time period. Pain. Sorrow. A sense of loss.
Occasionally, when in a reflective mood, I re-visit the mental images of the past and re-visit those same feelings as well.
Today's visit was different, however.
I remembered the fun, the projects, the laughter and even the love of a past partner.
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The road that lead to the end of that relationship was long... ...and for a while - care free.
As sobriety and mental clarity have returned, however, I now see where the road became frought with "Life's IED's" along the road. From our very first date, the common ground laid was alcohol and secrets on either side. The outcome, although perhaps delayed by several years, was inevitable.
Each of us strong willed and stubborned, I heard the "re-evaluate our relationship speech" several times throughout our early years (2002 - 2005) and then it disappeared from her lexicon. Perhaps that is why, when the end did come, it hurt so bad.
Still... the end DID come.
It was - as I said - inevitable.
People's life patterns, no matter how buried, do re-surface in time. There's a saying in life for that: "Old Habits Die Hard". Her internet activities seemed to increase, but maybe they never really went away.
The toxicity of the relationship had come full circle, and the relationship that never was more than just an extended fling, ended.
I have an uncanny pattern to continually make the same mistakes in life.
Either I am an incredibly naive optomist, or I maintain a lifelong membership on the short bus of life's lesson learning abilities. My credibility is nil.
So...
Where does that leave me?
Seeing how my kids are now all grown, doing their own thing, and my family scattered after my move, I'd say for the first time since 1980 - AT A CROSSROADS. I have some decisions to make and no timetable - other than life's own clock - to make them.
This may very well become my life's pursuit, after a 30+ year absence:
THESE Seeds are about to bear fruit after a 30 year stretch of hibrination.
Bout Damn Time!
