On the verge...

In my past, I could "sense" when there were changes on the horizon.
Late 1979 for example. My life was about to change and by mid February, 1980, the course was set. I didn't know where or what.... but I just knew my life would be different. I now had someone by my side.

Late November, 1987. After a whirlwind 6 months - through the final sickness and death of dad - I sojourned on through resignation, hiring and resignation again, followed by months of unemployment until I landed the job at CUNA Mutual. Not much income, per se, but still... a job.

January, 1998 felt like changes coming. Little did I know they would be on all fronts... Job... Marital... places I lived... It took 4 more years for the tidal wives of life to subside... And even then, the seeds of change were planted. Still, there was a tranquility that settled in for about 5 years between 2002 and 2007, except for a couple job changes and experiences falling into place there.
By Christmas, 2007, I had been self employed for 3 months, generating income, in a new apartment and the boys were still coming by. Life was still pretty good.

June, 2008. After staring the pond expansion the previous labor day, and Diana wishing to enclose the back yard for Lily with privacy fence, her pond was finally coming together. However, it seemed futile. I knew, the harder I worked, the less we would have in common after it's completion. By the July 4th weekend and Diana's mom's visit, the strain between her and I was very apparent. In less than 2 months we would be finished. I can honestly say I contributed a great deal to driving her to seek out other men. Hurt and yet thrilled by my new bachelorhood, I sojourned on again.

December, 2008 opened the door to the seeds planted in 2000. Cheryl and I re-connected. For the next 4 1/2 years she assumed my band photography, and I backed down again - this time twice.
In 1982, I gave up drumming to become a husband and father. While that interest rekindled in 2009, those seeds never were given the chance to germinate via Cheryl's negative reinforcement.  She was so insecure about the fact that I may be stolen away by a groupie that she perpetually was derogatory toward my ambitions there. She even accused me of competing with her photographically and told me to stop it.

On the employment front, she practically bitched me into abandoning my self employment for a desk job, and then immediately bitched about me being gone all the time. I switched jobs to a closer one, and pushed the envelope to make more money and she still was not happy. When the opportunity of overtime finally presented itself in October, 2012, I jumped at it.For the next year, I slaved at work in order to stay away from her. I wasn't going to leave... I was just not going to be there.

About the same time that I was hired on full time (from temp status), I sensed the ending of life as I knew it. She had begun the battery of tests, even teeth pulled, for the transplant. I knew some big changes were on the horizon. I just didn't know what. As her health declined, we thought the transplant would now come sooner than later. By the second week of April, 2013, innocence turned into reality. I never expected what it would be like to lose someone to death. Now, I reflect upon memories and fondly recall the little things... a smile that was emblazoned in my memory... the cute way she used to grab my hand for no reason at all...  

By November 2013, more changes were on the horizon. I had always taken work for granted. Layoffs had begun. The weeks of not knowing... the seeing of others let go. The guilt. A great deal of my ambition had died by the time the layoffs were done. For the first time in years, I reactivated my resume and began to look, anew. 2013 also ended with a new home for me. A home that I now feel like I belong in after a year.

My energies and focus got blurred for a great amount of time in 2014. Dismay over work and the loss of overtime. The increased reliance on pay day advances through out two thirds of 2014. The meeting of someone (Jude) and the cutting of the ties with her after 2 months... Not only was I not ready - I wasn't likely to enjoy the negativity she expressed continuously toward me after two months together. We were far less compatible than initially expressed and I nipped it in the bud before getting stuck again in a dependency situation.

Now, as 2015 approaches, I have a sense of eminent change again. I'm hopeful it is a career change. I can not endure the anxiety every Sunday night, or the dread I have for work in general. I need to do something I like for a change. That means, NO INSURANCE - NO MORTGAGES - NO REAL ESTATE - NO TITLE!

Time will tell....
Stay tuned

The Renaissance

9/24/14

This past summer was all about endings and beginnings...

Before Summer even began, in early May, I acquired a part time job that helped me through the financial situation revolving around those cancerous Pay Day Advances. It pretty much sealed my ability to partake in any Saturday and Sunday activities. That job ended September 8th.

During that time, I spent a great deal of time watching videos.Sooner or later I got around to the Star Trek Franchise. Dispatching the original series happened quickly. Then TOS movies. Then the Next Generation, which is 2 1/3 times longer.

As I approach the finale of the 7th season, I began to see closure. Main characters being "written out" or concluded. I even saw several episodes I do not remember ever seeing, which was unsettling to me as I remember Star Trek being VERY involved in my life and my young sons' lives. We had models (20+ in all), Figurines (63 of them); Christmas Ornaments and posters along with Tricorder and hand phasers. And now I stare down the series finale.... with a sense of regret.

Reflection comes to mind.
Reflecting on the events of the time, the hardships and joys, and the innocence of life before the implosion. I look back on that time as the last great part of my life. Star Trek the Next Generation ended in June of 1994. A mere 6 months later would be the end of my innocent happiness and the beginning of self loathing.

Flash forward 20 years.
I am married Twice; Divorced Twice; Burned twice and "widowed" once, not to mention Foreclosed on Twice and Bankrupt now 5 times. I went from over worked and under paid - to over played and over paid and back to over worked and under paid.

I've come full circle and on the precipice of a new (and FINALLY) exciting career that started from an Avocation. Maybe by the time I am retired - if THAT ever happens - I can supplement my income through Photography. That's Exciting! Doors are finally opening and that 9-6 job seems less and less like something I ever want to do again!

The same "closure" that is happening on the Star Trek series, is also happening to me. I let go a great deal of my old life about a month ago. The weight being lifted, things seemed to improve almost instantly. Doors closed. Windows opened.

and life goes on...

I hope the next chapters return to a simpler, more innocent way of life.
20 years... One Score... Two Decades ... of drama are more than enough for one lifetime!

Open the next chapter already and close the dark past!

New Horizons

A dozen years ago, I wrote about the First Breath of Spring. I was in love with a sexy blond who was the hottest woman I had ever had the fortune of being with.

Enter: The whirlwind of life.
Now, a new direction with the hope of possible happiness.
...Perhaps...

Sadly, the legacy is baggage that may not be appealing to her.
While she has expressed interest to three different people, she is standing off due to what others may think.

It's possible that I may have to step outside my usual circles. Too many people know me - know of my legacy - and thereby not wanting to cross that threshold.

Week of Reflective Anniversaries

As this weird week of transition opened, the surreal memories from the past burst forth.

Monday.
5/5/14.

Started with a Facebook invite. An invite to attend the 40th reunion. 10 years ago, I was on the 30th reunion committee. Apparently, I burned friendship bridges back then, and didn't even realize it until now. I accepted the invite, but am not certain about attending. I accepted the invite and went about my day... unphased, for now...

______________________________________________________

Later, the most unique thing about this day was that I would be driving directly from work to a gig with some of my best friends' band to take pictures. In many regards, I was only mildly conscious of the other aspect of things.

A text came in. 
WHOOSH!

An often silent reminder of an error I made nearly 20 years ago. An error that would, and did trade my life, my family, my scope of friends, my financial security and my entire way of life in a moment of lust. Cinco De Mayo was the 19th anniversary of my decision to end an affair. It was a day of pleasure that has since been both a sexual benchmark and a reminder of the wrong path taken. While the actual beginning took place six months earlier and the end would sputter for years and endure the end of both of our marriages, 19 years ago May 5th was the pinnacle, and the anniversary.

One text: "Happy Cinco De Mayo", told me something I did not want to know. She was still thinking of it fondly. Crazy part is... I reflect on that time myself. But my reflections are quite different. My reflections are ones of reminiscing on what I ruined: my wife's trust and ultimately the marriage because I couldn't live with myself. My kids very lives - all of whom still rightfully blame me. My reflections on not so much that day - but that TIME - are feelings of remorse. 20 years wiser, I should have never gone down that path. 

Positive reminder, however - Had I not gone through hell, I'd not have the friends I do now. And I do have some very good friends!

______________________________________________________

May 9th.
This week, it was a Saturday.
Twelve years ago, it was a Thursday.
An internet date from Yahoo personals. 
Her name was Diana and I saw a pic of her. Blond hair, Blue Eyes, fit... I wanted to meet her. We fell hard and were together 6 years, 3 months and 3 weeks. 

More recent in my past, this one still hurts some. We grew apart together and, in truth, probably each of us held on, hoping the other would come around. We were on different directions together for the last couple of years and didn't choose to recognize it. It seemed that the only time we laughed any more was when we were drunk - which was 4 nights a week toward the end. I drank more during those six years than I had in my entire life. Looking back, the sheer volume of cash I pissed away drinking can only be guess-timated. It's staggering. However, we had fun for a few years, she got her dream... a home, (which I was influential in assisting with), she got her landscaping, her golden retriever, her privacy fence and her pond thanks to efforts by me as well.

Reflectively, I feel that I have only been that deeply in love that once. My two marriages were more about "conquests" and "saving the damsel". I did love them, and still love all of my past loves (even the short flings, strangely), but this one was, I sense, THE one. I suppose you could say it was also the one that paved my present path as well.

So May 5th was a 19th anniversary and May 9th a 12th anniversary.

With those reflections out of the way, I turn about 180 degrees and face the future. Today is day one of a 2nd job (this one from home) that will cut 12 hours a week out of my free time, but hopefully help right my financial ship. I should know by month's end. 

It's Been...

It's been almost a year since Cheryl departed. 

It's been over 5 years since the reunification. 

It's been 6 years since the beginning of the end (Diana)that lead to reunification. 

It's been 15 years since the beginning of the wandering journey on the net (the Globe). 

It's been 19 1/2 years since the beginning of the initial fall (Renee leading to Michelle). 

It's been 27 years since the beginning of the end of dad's journey. 

It's been 31 years since St. Patty's day at Moriarity's. It's been 38 years and 51 weeks since Cheryl Tidwell.

It's been....

I wonder what it would have been like if I had just changed things up a bit at some point way back when. Repeating the same mistakes and doing the same things does not mean attaining different results!

Echoes

The Past:

The older I get, the more reflective I become.
As much as I dislike "What If's", these past months alone have me wondering and mentally wandering in all directions. So - perhaps a moment of indulgence...

What if I had never joined that tanning salon on York Rd?

I may have never broken up several marriages!
I may have never divorced;
I wouldn't have met Marybeth; Cheryl; Diana and several other women;
We may still be living on Dellwood Drive and the house would have been about 5 years away from being paid off.
I may have never purchased the Porsche, the Mustang or the Full Size Conversion van;
I can't say whether I would even had owned a tanning bed.
I may have taken a different career route.
I most certainly would not have my drums or the fantastic camera gear I do;
I wouldn't have the group of friends I do now - that much is for certain;
My mom may have died earlier with no-one living at home to care for her;
I may have died sooner from alcohol or stress problems - or may have been forced into a gambling rehab

If I had eventually divorced, it would have been because my beliefs never really coincided with that family's, despite their requesting my help several times in their final years...

My kids would probably have turned out different.

The Realization:

Everything about the Dellwood house was unrealistic. It was doomed from the start. Kenmore was far more manageable and down to earth. Dellwood was a poor attempt at unreality. Looking back I can see certain flashpoints of freedom and reality. Almost none existed while living at the pretentious Dellwood house. Sure, it had a basement.... the bedrooms were small, the kitchen obsolete to start with and the whole thing went down hill from there. We lived on credit from the time we moved in and 9 years later the house of cards collapsed.

I was NEVER all that. ... and I never will be. Mediocre should be synonymous with my name....

As for..."What if's"?
Maybe the whole thing from 1980 onward was a lie....

REFLECTIONS....

Of all the things in my life over the past six or so years, the one constant is change.

Six years ago, I was almost six years in to a relationship with Diana.
Mom was gone less than a year.
We were engrossed in a pond expansion and a major back yard remodel that would ultimately pull us apart.
Five years and five months ago, we had broken up.

I was still self employed and still had the two bedroom apartment.

Five years and three months ago I started seeing Cheryl again, after barely being alone two months. I wasn't very strong back then. Still reeling from Diana's announcement that she wanted to go spend the weekend with a guy she met on line had my life shaken to the core. Alone and vulnerable, I turned to the trap I fell into last time my world crumbled.... Cheryl. This time, however, she seemed stronger, buffer than before and I found that attractive.

Four years and 10 months ago, I moved in with her.
I endured.



Now that she's gone almost ten months, I still miss her. I still feel sad. I wished she hadn't died.

Do I feel alone? At times....

Will I ever see anyone again?
I sometimes wonder....
I do enjoy my solitude - a reward if you will for all the servitude I endured most of my life. I now find that I could just about settle here. This would feel like home for the first time since 2007.

I wonder....
... could I gather the $50k to buy here?
... could I find a job less stressful that would be closer to home?
... and could I somehow convert my pastime of photography into a money maker?

Do I need female companionship for that? Not hardly. As a matter of fact, at 10 PM on 2/5/14, it's not even on the radar!

What's that mean?