Echoes

The Past:

The older I get, the more reflective I become.
As much as I dislike "What If's", these past months alone have me wondering and mentally wandering in all directions. So - perhaps a moment of indulgence...

What if I had never joined that tanning salon on York Rd?

I may have never broken up several marriages!
I may have never divorced;
I wouldn't have met Marybeth; Cheryl; Diana and several other women;
We may still be living on Dellwood Drive and the house would have been about 5 years away from being paid off.
I may have never purchased the Porsche, the Mustang or the Full Size Conversion van;
I can't say whether I would even had owned a tanning bed.
I may have taken a different career route.
I most certainly would not have my drums or the fantastic camera gear I do;
I wouldn't have the group of friends I do now - that much is for certain;
My mom may have died earlier with no-one living at home to care for her;
I may have died sooner from alcohol or stress problems - or may have been forced into a gambling rehab

If I had eventually divorced, it would have been because my beliefs never really coincided with that family's, despite their requesting my help several times in their final years...

My kids would probably have turned out different.

The Realization:

Everything about the Dellwood house was unrealistic. It was doomed from the start. Kenmore was far more manageable and down to earth. Dellwood was a poor attempt at unreality. Looking back I can see certain flashpoints of freedom and reality. Almost none existed while living at the pretentious Dellwood house. Sure, it had a basement.... the bedrooms were small, the kitchen obsolete to start with and the whole thing went down hill from there. We lived on credit from the time we moved in and 9 years later the house of cards collapsed.

I was NEVER all that. ... and I never will be. Mediocre should be synonymous with my name....

As for..."What if's"?
Maybe the whole thing from 1980 onward was a lie....

REFLECTIONS....

Of all the things in my life over the past six or so years, the one constant is change.

Six years ago, I was almost six years in to a relationship with Diana.
Mom was gone less than a year.
We were engrossed in a pond expansion and a major back yard remodel that would ultimately pull us apart.
Five years and five months ago, we had broken up.

I was still self employed and still had the two bedroom apartment.

Five years and three months ago I started seeing Cheryl again, after barely being alone two months. I wasn't very strong back then. Still reeling from Diana's announcement that she wanted to go spend the weekend with a guy she met on line had my life shaken to the core. Alone and vulnerable, I turned to the trap I fell into last time my world crumbled.... Cheryl. This time, however, she seemed stronger, buffer than before and I found that attractive.

Four years and 10 months ago, I moved in with her.
I endured.



Now that she's gone almost ten months, I still miss her. I still feel sad. I wished she hadn't died.

Do I feel alone? At times....

Will I ever see anyone again?
I sometimes wonder....
I do enjoy my solitude - a reward if you will for all the servitude I endured most of my life. I now find that I could just about settle here. This would feel like home for the first time since 2007.

I wonder....
... could I gather the $50k to buy here?
... could I find a job less stressful that would be closer to home?
... and could I somehow convert my pastime of photography into a money maker?

Do I need female companionship for that? Not hardly. As a matter of fact, at 10 PM on 2/5/14, it's not even on the radar!

What's that mean?