Sometimes, Life hits you like a Ton of Bricks.
I've spent most of my adult life either seeking, or trying to hold onto relationships. I suddenly realized.... it ain't working. Why? When I'm with someone, I want out. When I'm not with someone, I long for someone.
Further, during the past 4 girlfriends, some 12 years now, I've been a dud stud. The very thing that fractured my first marriage, (sex), is now killing my 3rd of the last 4 relationships.
Background: my affair; the extramarital sex along with the death of trust caused the following:
The lack of trust killed my marriage to Nancy. That was my fault.
The lack of trust killed my rebound marriage to Cheryl. I couldn't trust that she wasn't cheating with old boyfriends,(like she did in her marriages before); nor could I trust that she wasn't trying to alienate me from my kids. Kids won out after a year of marriage.
I waited 16 months before meeting Diana. Sexually we were compatible at first, but 3 years in, E.D. killed my ability there. 3 years later, the itch became too much for her when she went to Michigan to spend a 4 day weekend with a guy she met on line.
I wasn't looking for Love when 4 months later, I met Cheryl for lunch. Within 2 months after that we rekindled. At the very first, we actually could recharge my E.D. plagued batteries. But that faded quickly as she got sicker. So again, another 4 1/2 year drought without sex. In the end, when she died, it pretty much ended my sex life.
After 16 months of no-one, I met Jude. The only thing we had in common was loneliness.. We never really "consummated" our relationship... those were her words. Broke up 3 months in, and rekindled in mid March 2015, she bought her house on Memorial day weekend, moved in with me until September, when we moved to Parma Hts. Within 2 months I received the ultimatum: either retry our relationship, live as roommates, or break up. I didn't realize at the time that the good old trust factor would kick in when she left one September weekend for a 2 week date. I moved in November, 2016. As a side note after that relationship, I later learned just who of my "friends" were double agents, gossiping. Both trust and sex were issues. The thing that perhaps hurt the most was that she moved on with a guy whom I had introduced her to, a trumpet player from Lorain. However, in January of 2018, that same gossiper I alluded to above then wrote me to tell me she was broken up with that guy and moved on to another guy, announcing a relationship in February, 2018. Two weeks later, another message from the gossip, telling me she's engaged. At this point, no longer caring to hear about it, I said I wished her well. That seemed to cease all her gossiping efforts and now, 9 months later I have yet to hear much of anything from her camp.
Less than a month after that wreckage of a relationship with Jude ended, I was again involved. I think I was flattered mostly. Now a year and 8 months in, sex is non existent. I've told her to go find a fling. I'm not interested. She resisted at first. Then started shopping for a side fuck. Then she stopped until just recently, (October, 2087) when she started up again.
I sense living alone again soon. Sex and trust are issues are the main reason. Cohabitation is the other. However, should I find myself moving again, I think I will shop for apartments with a further distance from Cleveland in mind. The further, the better
Wednesday, August 08, 2018
Tuesday, August 07, 2018
Monday, August 06, 2018
Retirement, so far...
Lately, I have been Reflecting where I have come since retiring.
I am achier, mentally and physically slower, clumsier, and less structured. I don't enjoy Band Photography as much as I did before. Starting over in a place that is an hour away from my gravitational center has triggered an extra 2-3 hours in drive time just to get the gig. Bands are admittedly pickier, due to their having to pay rather than get the photos for free. The bands of today want extra editing, removal of double chins; slenderization of their physiques to remove their weight gains; colorized, cartoon-like photos, distorting the original, pure shots; and so forth. But those are the negatives.
The positives include: a drastically reduced stress level. I'm down from 4, to 2 meds due to the more relaxed method in which I live my life. I wished I could have retired earlier.
My nature photography skills are INCREASING! I've done some of my best nature shots since retiring. It's funny, because Nature was where I began so long ago. Now the passion for it has returned, and with it a second income stream just on the horizon. I've shifted my marketing focus toward Agencies rather than individuals for Nature shots, and toward management and booking agents for the bands. Still, The bands still have some income availability and I still do have repeat customers.
Neither negative nor positive, just perception of fact:
The fact that I prefer solitude has risen again. The fact that I am an hour away from my friends and seeing their bands is beginning to twinge again. Bands still don't like to pay, which diminishes the field of customers.
The age difference has crept into my doubtful file again. Since she is now working two jobs, her income and self esteem have crept up. I suspect her comment the other day about getting an apartment at one of Gary's places (if something happened to me), and her potential for hospitalization with Eve, doing a job working for a company she loves, making 150% of what she used to make there has grown not only her income, but her self esteem as well. I also expect her ex's situation will cause her to eventually leave. She now talks about leaving this house one day instead of buying the place. The possibility of moving northward again has dramatically increased over the past weeks.
I'll write more when I formulate it
I am achier, mentally and physically slower, clumsier, and less structured. I don't enjoy Band Photography as much as I did before. Starting over in a place that is an hour away from my gravitational center has triggered an extra 2-3 hours in drive time just to get the gig. Bands are admittedly pickier, due to their having to pay rather than get the photos for free. The bands of today want extra editing, removal of double chins; slenderization of their physiques to remove their weight gains; colorized, cartoon-like photos, distorting the original, pure shots; and so forth. But those are the negatives.
The positives include: a drastically reduced stress level. I'm down from 4, to 2 meds due to the more relaxed method in which I live my life. I wished I could have retired earlier.
My nature photography skills are INCREASING! I've done some of my best nature shots since retiring. It's funny, because Nature was where I began so long ago. Now the passion for it has returned, and with it a second income stream just on the horizon. I've shifted my marketing focus toward Agencies rather than individuals for Nature shots, and toward management and booking agents for the bands. Still, The bands still have some income availability and I still do have repeat customers.
Neither negative nor positive, just perception of fact:
The fact that I prefer solitude has risen again. The fact that I am an hour away from my friends and seeing their bands is beginning to twinge again. Bands still don't like to pay, which diminishes the field of customers.
The age difference has crept into my doubtful file again. Since she is now working two jobs, her income and self esteem have crept up. I suspect her comment the other day about getting an apartment at one of Gary's places (if something happened to me), and her potential for hospitalization with Eve, doing a job working for a company she loves, making 150% of what she used to make there has grown not only her income, but her self esteem as well. I also expect her ex's situation will cause her to eventually leave. She now talks about leaving this house one day instead of buying the place. The possibility of moving northward again has dramatically increased over the past weeks.
I'll write more when I formulate it
Wednesday, August 01, 2018
Wreckage
The wreckage that is my so-called life has been strewn everywhere.
My first move in 1981 was to make a household for my new wife. Just 15 days before my 1st marriage, Grandpa died. I went into that marriage emotionally wounded, now wrought with familial guilt, knowing Grandma would still need help as well as my father's first step upon what would become his downward spiral for the next 6 years.
For the remainder of the time that my grandma lived in Parma Hts, which was basically as long as Dad was alive, I often took her back and forth to my parents house several times a week until dad died in 1987. It was at that juncture that grandma was institutionalized as the dementia had so completely taken over. After dad's funeral, I never saw grandma again. She died in 1989.
My divorce from Nancy left huge craters in many lives. My sisters were completely unsupportive at first. My mother was "ashamed" and mad when in less than a year, I married Cheryl. Everyone thought Cheryl was the reason. I think my ex and my girls still believe that. However, I couldn't stand the intense fighting between Cheryl and me over the kids, and divorced her for good on 9/14/01, three days after 9/11. I left no personal belongings behind when I left her abruptly on 1/19/2001, just shy of our first anniversary.
However, I left my trust of women on that day. I learned several things from that marriage:
1. second or subsequent marriages have BAGGAGE.
2. I can NEVER completely trust women - or outsiders, again.
3. The PAST of your subsequent partners will ALWAYS rear it's ugly head.
4. MY Past will always do the same for my subsequent partners.
5. I have a rather low "bullshit" threshold - whether her past lovers, husbands or fuck buddies.
Yet, I kept going back to the well.
In 2002, about 8 months post divorce of Cheryl, I met Diana.
In August 2008, and after 6 years and 4 months after hooking up with Diana, I left her when she wanted to go to Michigan to spend a 4 day weekend with a pond guy she met on line. I left a great deal of physical possessions there, not really having the time to plan that get away. In retrospect, I know now that she was much more openly promiscuous than I. Just prior to our meeting she had a fling with a native guy the Dominican republic. Had I been more alert, I would have recognized the brewing undercurrents of her lust at the first time he called her back. She had spent about a half hour giggling on the phone with him and when she hung up, she giggled and sighed, "men". I inquired what that was all about with a high jealousy factor in my voice. Her response? "Don't worry, it'd only be a fling". Later that fall, when her Buffy the Vampire Slayer group came to Akron (some from as far away as England), she offered up her home to one of the cute guys from England. Her response? Well, you can't blame an old girl for trying to fulfill a fantasy."
Other "hints" arose prior to her planned Michigan fling. The way she blended into the male classmates during my 2004 reunion, picking up guys left and right during both nights. Some of the classmates came forward after news spread that we had broken up in '08. It was sobering to hear that she was seen on the arm of three different guys at the reunion, and she admitted to me that she kissed one of the band members in a dark corner. I was never sure where I stood with her. She had the honor of being the hottest girlfriend I ever had. BUT: speaking of "sobering", she was an alcoholic. Bottle of Kahlua every night, kind of alcoholic!! I couldn't keep up with her sex drive, or her drinking. In leaving her, I left a number of possessions.
3 months after my departure from Diana, Cheryl and I rekindled. It lasted from November when we first met for lunch until she died 4/17/2013. There was all kinds of wreckage from her death, and over 5 years later, I still feel it. Since Cheryl, both girlfriends felt as if they couldn't hold their own with a memory.
A year and 3 months after Cheryl's death, I guess I had been lonely. I met and started dating Jude. We had fun at first, but I broke it off in November, having too much post Cheryl guilt. We rekindled again on St Patricks day, 2015. I helped her buy a house, and was the chief floor fixer upper. However, one month after moving in, and with the death of her cat, our relationship died when she recommended I sleep in a second room. I later found out, she befriended one of the musicians I introduced her to on my birthday. This coincided with her ultimatum of: Continue the relationship; break up and remain roommates; or go our separate ways. I resisted the ultimatum until around may, after she had sufficiently recovered from her surgery. By June, 2016, she was going out on her own. By September, she started dating him, and was home approximately 14 nights from 9/21/16 until my departure on 1/16. Bit by bit, she had moved her possessions and cat out to his house until I left. This break up was strangely reminiscent of my last 2 break ups, only this time, I was the one already dumped.
I moved back to Royalton with NO INTENTIONS OF EVER DATING AGAIN. Relationships for almost 20 years had not been my forte.
Then, Heather busted into my life. It seems I had come to the conclusion that with her entrance, and need of advice, I had found my spot in life: Since the age of 12, I was a caretaker of sorts. I helped Cheryl with the farm; Diana buy a house, fix up the house, dug her a pond, interviewed and finally booked the contractor for the fence; adopted a pet for her, and so much more. Rekindling with Cheryl was a lengthy rehelping her: to get divorced; bankruptcy to keep her car; introduced her into taking band pix and find her second condo as well as her third; and finally, holding her while she died; Jude I helped her get a house as well as worked her yard; Heather needed divorce advise, and use of a computer to find countless jobs. I'm still helping her today, with her custody issues.
Mow, retired for going on 7 months, I never see and seldom ever hear from my family. I've moved an hour away and honestly, have lost almost all interest in shooting band photos. I seek ways to make money off my nature photography. Pretty much everything in my life has been wrecked: I've had 3 chapter 7 bk's; 3 chapter 13 Bk's; 2 of 3 homes were foreclosed; many possessions gone: tools, ladders, even car ramps left behind, and 3 drum sets sold in order to make ends meet.
In a lot of ways, I'm a failure. In other ways, an explorer of life's roads. ..... AND A LOT OF WRECKAGE left in my wake.
My first move in 1981 was to make a household for my new wife. Just 15 days before my 1st marriage, Grandpa died. I went into that marriage emotionally wounded, now wrought with familial guilt, knowing Grandma would still need help as well as my father's first step upon what would become his downward spiral for the next 6 years.
For the remainder of the time that my grandma lived in Parma Hts, which was basically as long as Dad was alive, I often took her back and forth to my parents house several times a week until dad died in 1987. It was at that juncture that grandma was institutionalized as the dementia had so completely taken over. After dad's funeral, I never saw grandma again. She died in 1989.
My divorce from Nancy left huge craters in many lives. My sisters were completely unsupportive at first. My mother was "ashamed" and mad when in less than a year, I married Cheryl. Everyone thought Cheryl was the reason. I think my ex and my girls still believe that. However, I couldn't stand the intense fighting between Cheryl and me over the kids, and divorced her for good on 9/14/01, three days after 9/11. I left no personal belongings behind when I left her abruptly on 1/19/2001, just shy of our first anniversary.
However, I left my trust of women on that day. I learned several things from that marriage:
1. second or subsequent marriages have BAGGAGE.
2. I can NEVER completely trust women - or outsiders, again.
3. The PAST of your subsequent partners will ALWAYS rear it's ugly head.
4. MY Past will always do the same for my subsequent partners.
5. I have a rather low "bullshit" threshold - whether her past lovers, husbands or fuck buddies.
Yet, I kept going back to the well.
In 2002, about 8 months post divorce of Cheryl, I met Diana.
In August 2008, and after 6 years and 4 months after hooking up with Diana, I left her when she wanted to go to Michigan to spend a 4 day weekend with a pond guy she met on line. I left a great deal of physical possessions there, not really having the time to plan that get away. In retrospect, I know now that she was much more openly promiscuous than I. Just prior to our meeting she had a fling with a native guy the Dominican republic. Had I been more alert, I would have recognized the brewing undercurrents of her lust at the first time he called her back. She had spent about a half hour giggling on the phone with him and when she hung up, she giggled and sighed, "men". I inquired what that was all about with a high jealousy factor in my voice. Her response? "Don't worry, it'd only be a fling". Later that fall, when her Buffy the Vampire Slayer group came to Akron (some from as far away as England), she offered up her home to one of the cute guys from England. Her response? Well, you can't blame an old girl for trying to fulfill a fantasy."
Other "hints" arose prior to her planned Michigan fling. The way she blended into the male classmates during my 2004 reunion, picking up guys left and right during both nights. Some of the classmates came forward after news spread that we had broken up in '08. It was sobering to hear that she was seen on the arm of three different guys at the reunion, and she admitted to me that she kissed one of the band members in a dark corner. I was never sure where I stood with her. She had the honor of being the hottest girlfriend I ever had. BUT: speaking of "sobering", she was an alcoholic. Bottle of Kahlua every night, kind of alcoholic!! I couldn't keep up with her sex drive, or her drinking. In leaving her, I left a number of possessions.
3 months after my departure from Diana, Cheryl and I rekindled. It lasted from November when we first met for lunch until she died 4/17/2013. There was all kinds of wreckage from her death, and over 5 years later, I still feel it. Since Cheryl, both girlfriends felt as if they couldn't hold their own with a memory.
A year and 3 months after Cheryl's death, I guess I had been lonely. I met and started dating Jude. We had fun at first, but I broke it off in November, having too much post Cheryl guilt. We rekindled again on St Patricks day, 2015. I helped her buy a house, and was the chief floor fixer upper. However, one month after moving in, and with the death of her cat, our relationship died when she recommended I sleep in a second room. I later found out, she befriended one of the musicians I introduced her to on my birthday. This coincided with her ultimatum of: Continue the relationship; break up and remain roommates; or go our separate ways. I resisted the ultimatum until around may, after she had sufficiently recovered from her surgery. By June, 2016, she was going out on her own. By September, she started dating him, and was home approximately 14 nights from 9/21/16 until my departure on 1/16. Bit by bit, she had moved her possessions and cat out to his house until I left. This break up was strangely reminiscent of my last 2 break ups, only this time, I was the one already dumped.
I moved back to Royalton with NO INTENTIONS OF EVER DATING AGAIN. Relationships for almost 20 years had not been my forte.
Then, Heather busted into my life. It seems I had come to the conclusion that with her entrance, and need of advice, I had found my spot in life: Since the age of 12, I was a caretaker of sorts. I helped Cheryl with the farm; Diana buy a house, fix up the house, dug her a pond, interviewed and finally booked the contractor for the fence; adopted a pet for her, and so much more. Rekindling with Cheryl was a lengthy rehelping her: to get divorced; bankruptcy to keep her car; introduced her into taking band pix and find her second condo as well as her third; and finally, holding her while she died; Jude I helped her get a house as well as worked her yard; Heather needed divorce advise, and use of a computer to find countless jobs. I'm still helping her today, with her custody issues.
Mow, retired for going on 7 months, I never see and seldom ever hear from my family. I've moved an hour away and honestly, have lost almost all interest in shooting band photos. I seek ways to make money off my nature photography. Pretty much everything in my life has been wrecked: I've had 3 chapter 7 bk's; 3 chapter 13 Bk's; 2 of 3 homes were foreclosed; many possessions gone: tools, ladders, even car ramps left behind, and 3 drum sets sold in order to make ends meet.
In a lot of ways, I'm a failure. In other ways, an explorer of life's roads. ..... AND A LOT OF WRECKAGE left in my wake.
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