Sometimes, Life hits you like a Ton of Bricks.
I've spent most of my adult life either seeking, or trying to hold onto relationships. I suddenly realized.... it ain't working. Why? When I'm with someone, I want out. When I'm not with someone, I long for someone.
Further, during the past 4 girlfriends, some 12 years now, I've been a dud stud. The very thing that fractured my first marriage, (sex), is now killing my 3rd of the last 4 relationships.
Background: my affair; the extramarital sex along with the death of trust caused the following:
The lack of trust killed my marriage to Nancy. That was my fault.
The lack of trust killed my rebound marriage to Cheryl. I couldn't trust that she wasn't cheating with old boyfriends,(like she did in her marriages before); nor could I trust that she wasn't trying to alienate me from my kids. Kids won out after a year of marriage.
I waited 16 months before meeting Diana. Sexually we were compatible at first, but 3 years in, E.D. killed my ability there. 3 years later, the itch became too much for her when she went to Michigan to spend a 4 day weekend with a guy she met on line.
I wasn't looking for Love when 4 months later, I met Cheryl for lunch. Within 2 months after that we rekindled. At the very first, we actually could recharge my E.D. plagued batteries. But that faded quickly as she got sicker. So again, another 4 1/2 year drought without sex. In the end, when she died, it pretty much ended my sex life.
After 16 months of no-one, I met Jude. The only thing we had in common was loneliness.. We never really "consummated" our relationship... those were her words. Broke up 3 months in, and rekindled in mid March 2015, she bought her house on Memorial day weekend, moved in with me until September, when we moved to Parma Hts. Within 2 months I received the ultimatum: either retry our relationship, live as roommates, or break up. I didn't realize at the time that the good old trust factor would kick in when she left one September weekend for a 2 week date. I moved in November, 2016. As a side note after that relationship, I later learned just who of my "friends" were double agents, gossiping. Both trust and sex were issues. The thing that perhaps hurt the most was that she moved on with a guy whom I had introduced her to, a trumpet player from Lorain. However, in January of 2018, that same gossiper I alluded to above then wrote me to tell me she was broken up with that guy and moved on to another guy, announcing a relationship in February, 2018. Two weeks later, another message from the gossip, telling me she's engaged. At this point, no longer caring to hear about it, I said I wished her well. That seemed to cease all her gossiping efforts and now, 9 months later I have yet to hear much of anything from her camp.
Less than a month after that wreckage of a relationship with Jude ended, I was again involved. I think I was flattered mostly. Now a year and 8 months in, sex is non existent. I've told her to go find a fling. I'm not interested. She resisted at first. Then started shopping for a side fuck. Then she stopped until just recently, (October, 2087) when she started up again.
I sense living alone again soon. Sex and trust are issues are the main reason. Cohabitation is the other. However, should I find myself moving again, I think I will shop for apartments with a further distance from Cleveland in mind. The further, the better
