Vivid Dreams

Over the last weeks, I've had some very strange, vivid dreams. Some tied to my distant past, even including my parents. Some were not so far back, including some work acquaintances, including bosses and situations from 33 and 18 years ago.

Others, more recent, including most recent history. Still, none were as terrifying as in the past; ie. Making quota or falling behind.

Still, it encapsulated my own time line with no partners mentioned.

Perhaps I have reached a degree of acceptance. All my failures, all my losses, all my changes.... Nothing mattered any more.

Might this have been the turning point in my life? Accepting failed jobs and relationships, permitting me to finally move On?

I'll have to wait and see

2018 in the rear view mirror

This year brought some of the most dramatic changes in my life.

13 months ago... Moved. Dealing with the last months of my MIS career... long commutes to a job I truly loathed... 11 hour stressful days... and then, in January... poof!

a year ago, was an attempt by Jude to contact me - through Heather. Heather started reading the message and I told her to stop and delete it, as I didn't want to know - or hear from her.

Then Vicky Meany... First in January, telling me she broke up with Jaime... and exactly 2 weeks later... she's engaged. Again, I didn't want to hear. But I let her know gently, by stating I wished Jude all the happiness in the world.

Then, Heather informs me a month ago, that their break up was acrimonious, and there were harsh words on either side... publicly. Again, didn't care, although felt bad for Jaime, because his problem was medical.

June brought the hottest weather of the summer and a part time, off the books job that I had to quit after a week. I was so out of shape.

Then, helping with the apartments. I got pretty good at that. extra money flowed in.

I sold the drum set in April or May. I didn't like it and replaced it in July with an electronic one. Didn't like it either, and I sold that in November. Next drum set I buy will be a Tama Superstar Hyper drive or Star Classic, with Evolution Hi Hats.

The apartment cleanings became more contentious between me and Heather. I started looking for a job so I can produce additional income. That will start Wednesday with Giant Eagle in overnight stocking. This should supply about $200 additional weekly. Hence, this will provide me the funds for my new drum set.





Last summer, after battling with her ex regarding extra time with the girls, Heather contacted an attorney. We spent about $700 in fees, only to hold off all proceedings after catching up due to Sarah's getting worse. Her outbursts became very regular, and Mike decided enough was enough. After a half dozen calls to the police on his daughter - plus several ambulance rides to the hospital, Sarah is now in a mental hospital. (I called that one a year ago). Previously, she had attacked Mike's Girlfriend, Cheryl, and also attacked her grandmother. Today marks her 5th day in the mental hospital in Youngstown. Heather goes there tomorrow to get a report/evaluation. I am grateful we NEVER spent any additional money trying to get equal custody.3 months ago, when we ceased all proceedings, I told heather, she will have to apply for a loan to pay an attorney, because I won't do it.

Early in January, I set Heather up on a payment plan to catch her delinquent school loans up. That broke down and Heather never pursued it. I'm done trying to keep her afloat. Hence, another reason for my job. PLUS...

In the spring, she ashed if she could have a boyfriend, to be a fuck buddy. At first I conceded, and cut her off. She pursued it, and then stopped. Late in the summer she picked up her contacts again, actually meeting him for coffee to see if they could click. I completely stopped all attentions to her. She let me start going out every weekend, because I couldn't take Sarah, who had begun to be here almost all the time because Mike hated his mom's brainwashing of the Sarah. I started feeling as if she had emotionally moved on... as she was sleeping on the couch every night since mid summer.

She started going out after work during the week, going out with her "girlfriends" and so forth on weekends... I was fairly sure she started her fuck buddy routine, although during our most recent conversation on it, she said no. I still don't truthfully believe her. Her sex drive is far too high and I haven't touched her in a year. If she strays, she strays... it'll make moving easier.

I started looking for an apartment. While her conversation last week had me halt my search, I still will not entirely give up the idea I will one day be back up north in my own one bedroom apartment, alone. I'm looking forward to it. If I still have the job at Giant eagle overnight, I could still work, and live quite comfortably. That is my goal.

Time will tell....

Further Delusions of my Family

My maternal grandmother was a closet NAZI. I became convinced of this when back in 1969, while touring Germany, she bragged about M.A. Schneider's brother being a former S.S. officer. She stood there with pride as she proclaimed it. Looking back, I wasn't impressed, rather I was shocked that she made such a declaration with such pride.

Grandpa was a racist, but not a NAZI. Born here, he was outcast by his family in Wisconsin and sent to Cleveland as a family delinquent. He never spoke of that side of the family until after his sister's funeral, and then we knew of cousins, (Esh, Eddie, etc).

Mom was also a closet NAZI. Her first language was German, but that meant nothing. What finally bled through after all the years passed was her emmense double standard and bigotry; her harkenin back to the Von Kelp coat of arms and the Fiefdom that she continually pounded home stating I would be the Heir of. This was pure bullshit!

The facts get lost upon them that WWI erased the last vestiges of the AustrioHungarian empire. There WAS no remaining fiefdom. The Coat of Arms most likely never physically survived WWI. Why would you send your own  14 year old daughter, ALONE, on a student visa during the Auslicz in 1938. Talk about frickin' insane!!! That was grandma for you.

To hear the female side of the Weishaar's boast about the Von Kelps, with the same Arian Zeal .... it's all just so much crap! It was a nice story maybe before 1914... when grandma still lived there before emigrating to the US... but Opa already moved here. What's THAT tell you??

Opa was a working man. A tool smith that worked between Cleveland and Pittsburgh for years before he sent for Oma and Grandma.  When grandma arrived it was 1912. Why would Opt to leave a fiefdom to go to the U.S. if he were an Heir to the Fiefdom? He wouldn't. Our family history was bullshit.

Opa came to the U.S. because of opportunity... PERIOD! If there ever were a fiefdom, it would have fallen on MALE heirs. Not me... not even uncle Julius. Grandma and aunt Emma were cousins, and allegedly couldn't inherit, due to no heir.

The big lie was that Opa couldn't inherit because he was not royal. He was, however, a very good tool smith. THAT is the extent of that side of the family royalty. His claim to fame was that his employers here in Cleveland as well as Pittsburgh did not want him to retire and, as a master tool smith, he worked well into his 80s. He died in 1957 after working a very long time as a hard working immigrant.

That other bullshit fed by Grandma and mom was Arian Arrogance. After years of memory sorting through grandma's stories, I'm convinced grandma was a Hitler sympathizer, and she bred the Naziesque thinking into my mother through mixed up beliefs against the results after the dust settles from WWI, as well as the restructuring of nations after it's end in 1918. THAT was the extend of our royal blood..... but it was also the onset and predisposition towards grandma's sympathizing with the NAZI government of the 1930s.

In the end, grandma's delusions reverted to singing pre-war NAZI marches, babbling in German making no sense, and much the same for mom.