Reflecting on the life I HAD to live

Dichotomy

What I WANTED to do vs what I HAD to do.

At 14, I wanted to be a rocker.
At 16, I had to spit and polish my ways as a bus boy, then waited.
At 29, entering the business world as  a SUIT. It mandated a whole different personality. 
At 31, the Xerox 3 piece suit, PSS world, of business dinners, week long meetings and late meetings.  NOT me.
At almost 37, the Ivory Tower Banking world . Sooo NOT ME! So alone without dad's advice.
At 38, after 2 months of unemployment  - twice in one years time, another UNme move. Inside again, this time wholesale non conforming mortgage.  Better, but still UNme.
At 39, shift back outside.  Non conforming wholesale rep. UNme, but better; more money,  and away from the domestic issues with the beginnings of the collapse of my marriage. 
At 41, less UNme still. Success starts as the collapse of the marriage completes.
At 43, job jumping again to try maintaining the high income necessity.  7 jobs in less than 2 years as non conforming companies collapse repeatedly.  Failure. Moved in with mom after 2nd divorce and 2nd bankruptcy due to loss of income, but found stable work.
At 52, reality sinks in with mom's death. One year into a job that just collapsed with the economy,  I went self Employed,  closing loans. Flexibility got me there. Experience kept me there.
At 53, the harsh reality of E.D. caused the end of the relationship with Diana. I rekindled my love of music, seeing bands. I started to feel the twinges of music again, as well as photography.  I started playing my old drums and refinishing the chrome. While the drum rehab didn't work and I eventually bought a used set, I had Hope's to play again.
I also was fresh out of a relationship at 53 and didn't have plans for another.  Then, Cheryl returned.  At first, she encouraged both my rock and roll as well as photography.  However....
At age 55, she DIDN'T want me to play again, nor did she support my seeking out musicians to jam with. By the end of the first jam, she rebelled so vehemently that I conceded and quit. Within a year, the same thing happened to my photography.  She rebelled so much that she accused me of competing and she wanted me to stop.
By age 55, she'd killed my desires for music playing and photography.  I became both her and Sammy's roadie.
At age 57, she died. There were MANY endings. Within 8 months, I moved and was bankrupt again. 15 months of emotional and monetary pain ensued. I got into and out of debt with the payday loans I started with when Cheryl was alive. I picked up a weekend work at home job and started pulling out of debt.
At 58, still reeling emotionally from all that happened, I launched into dating again.  Met a couple girls, and then got hooked by Jude. At first it was light and fun. By the end of the 3rd month, I started feeling guilty about Cheryl,  and broke it off. Although I was hooked into helping her when she needed rides to and from her pacemaker surgery, I felt I needed to be alone.  That ended with a st Patrick's day date and we were trying again.
At age 59, I had already helped her find and supported her purchase of a house. We tore it apart prior to the move in together in September.  By November that good old E.D. had us in separate bedrooms. 
My 60th birthday was a double edged sword.  She and Vickie Meany had engineered a party for me at Barbarinos, but I didn't know for 3/4 of a year later that she had made friends with my future replacement on my birthday.  Later that year, after 9 months of a decaying relationship,  she announced she was going on a date and I shouldn't wait up. Two days later,  she came home. During the last 3 months of my time there, she was home a total of 2 weeks. She even moved her cat out during that time. 
At age 61, I had moved again and wasn't really interested in a relationship.  Around the same time I was moving,  Heather made her move. I was to be her vehicle for divorce. 
At age 62, I willingly left North Royalton for the more tranquil Perry Hts Twp.  I retired 3 months later.  In the two years since, my photography has exploded and I've purchased and sold 2 more drum sets,  finally getting a NEW one this last summer.
At age almost 64, after months of practice,  I am poised to jam again. I'm also poised on the embarkation of another move... as the experiment with Heather's bearing an end. 8 months ago, she sat crying on the couch, begging to go find a side guy, so she declared our relationship OPENED UP. I'm no longer intimate with her. I've found a part time job and today she declared that after she gets her job, I'm free to live elsewhere.
At this time, I have no plans for any more relationships again...

Learning a hard lesson

KEEP TO YOURSELF!!!

So often,  I open my mouth and insert about half a dozen feet.

I go to a place like Nashville nights and offer up an opinion,  or day someone looks nice....Suddenly,  I'm being stalked by someone I don't care for, or driving people away with my opinions.  

I have no leg to stand on or anything... but I offer up an opinion... me and my damn big mouth. Will I ever learn??

Polarization

It could be political,  but this time it's not.  

It could be religious,  but again, it's not. 

It's personal.  My relationship with Heather is dead. No more affection,  hasn't been any sex since she opened it up to others. We've polarized.  I'd rather be alone than with her in the room. We have nothing to talk about any more. We've outgrown each other.

Three years ago,  I was moving to a new apartment and was uninterested in a relationship.  By the end of October,  she had tried to convince me I wasn't impotent,  and I spent 2 hotel bills before the apartment was ready. 

I didn't need all the stress and drama in my life. HER stress and drama associated with her kids, divorce and inability to hold a job. Now, at the end of this relationship I realized my purpose in life. I'm a fixer.

I fixed things and helped around the house when dad was alive. That continued throughout mom's life as well.  My 20 years of relationship with Nancy was to have kids, and help Jim and Ethel.

When lust interfered and my direction changed, I was a bridge between husbands for Cheryl.  But loyalty to my kids was stronger and that portion of isolation ended quickly.  

At this point, I needed to help mom again. This would last for the remainder of her life. Then, the disposal of the house.  However,  my life overlapped with Diana's  and I helped her get a house, fix up a house, get a dog, get a back yard paradise  including a privacy fence,  huge pond and drainage.

When E.D. came, the relationship faded and I learned that for some women,  sex is everything.  I hadn't been alone but 4 months when Cheryl returned. 

Cheryl's return would be for the remainder of her life.  I was there for her divorce,  her moving into her own place,  her moving again, and again; her job/career change which started her down her final path, and her last hospitalization stays. That was a tough time...

A year and a half later,  I was looking for something new in my life.  Although I was interested in Cheri, she was too close to Cheryl and ran away.  I rebounded to Jude.  

Enter the worst relationship in my life. We fought about everything.  However,  my involvement still helped her get a house she liked. That, however also drove us apart with the E.D. 

Within a month and a half,  we were in separate rooms,  and it spiraled down from there. I moved out a year later, and six months following my help after her surgery. 

I had secured an apartment and was waiting for it's completion.  Jude had long since vacated the house for Jamie while I waited. That's around the time I was ripe for some revenge and wide open to the hope that a much younger person would cure my E.D. I was mistaken. 

For 80 percent of my life,  I have been helping others. Maybe it's time for me.....

A different time..

In what has been a bit of a whirlwind,  things have evolved and escalated. 

Heather's child support was eliminated as of 10/1 and equal parenting time was granted.  Although her ex remains custodial,  it's in terminology only. Victory for her.

At the very end of the hearing time, she left valco. Was being laid off anyways due to lack of work. She applied for unemployment,  food stamps and Medicaid,  and it appears they may go through.   Also, she's been applying for jobs everywhere,  as we are about to kill each other. 

She went to Randy's and he couldn't perform.  She's worried about him. Cried a bit... so, she fell for him. I foresee an end in the near future and am ok with that. Tonight,  she said that she's seeing that no matter what, I'm never gonna be happy. Fine, ...leave.

Sarah's off abilify and on something else that doesn't make her sleepy. I've been avoiding her. 

I'm looking for a township nearby..

 Maybe Clinton township,  to rent, as it's closer to Cleveland,  but outside RITA and Echeck. 

That's all for now