Last day...

Several things are coming to a close this month. 

Most recently,  I've all but closed the door on Lauren.  Her attitude towards me on Saturday was the first and final blow. I will not step back into a Jude or Cheryl like guillotine again. I'm worth more than that.

Tonight marks the end of my private health insurance life. Tomorrow is my first day on medicare. 

November marks the last full month of my age at 64. In 11 days I'm 65. Things will change. Within that time, I will deactivate Facebook in that timeframe. My later return will be unceremonious. 

In short, along with covid,  deaths of personalities,  and friends,  closing of businesses, restaurants and bars,  its been a horrendous year. Perhaps changing lifestyles in the future as well.

And so it played out. ..

Saturday cemented the future. 

Lauren introduced me to her daughter, Sarah and her boyfriend,  Joe. They were very nice.  Lauren was not, however.  Her comments were almost caustic. 

Her snide comments were very Jude like or Cheryl like. Almost always converse to everything I said.  Or very quiet. She became sharp and even nasty once during a conversation about her chances of work prospects in the future.  

I don't need that attitude.  I don't need to walk on eggshells when I talk.  As much as it hurt to hear her talk to me that way,  I realized a future of that is not what I wanted 

The end of a long, short week.

Just days ago,  Lauren texted about Saturday.  4 pm. Meet at her house and then her daughter and bf would take us to go see Christmas lights.  Lauren said her daughter wants to meet me.  

On one hand... OYE. 

On the other hand... silence from Lauren since.  I feel like I am bothering her.

I can't take much more of this. 

I think after Saturday,  I'll resign into my cave 

This week's wrap up.

Yesterday,  I had  wonderful lunch with Lauren.  Time always flies so fast when I'm with her. Then,  we chatted back and forth throughout the afternoon and evening.  Simply wonderful. 

Then I remembered as she got out of the car,  when we hugged,  she kissed me on my cheek.  I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.  That didn't last long though.  Last night,  after a half dozen beers,  I texted her. Probably made an ass of myself.  Probably ruined the friendship.  

I'm such an ass

a longer follow up week.

After an exceedingly long weekend,  a longer week.

The multiple trips to the ER only yielded more anxiety and 2 more trips to the hospital..

 By way of ambulance.  The first,  she was kept overnight and a much stronger anxiety med proscription issuesd. She refused to get it. After our dinner at B&K she headed to her bedroom right away. I went to bed at 8pm. 9:30, she was up again,  pacing,  shaking an saying she was sorry that she killed me, Sallie, Randy and Gary.  She self diagnosed herself into a frenzy thinking that she has spinal meningitis. 

She was inconsolable 

 Paramedics took her away.  Two days later,  since the hospital wouldn't tell me anything,  I tried to sign out a missing persons report. 

A dat later, they said they know where she is and she's not lost or in any danger.  

I contacted Gary and Randy.  Neither know where she is.  I contacted Gina,  who called the hospital and found out that Heather's in Willoughby,  the same mental place where Sarah was one time.

A very long weekend

In 3 of the past 6 days,  Heather has had 5 hospital trips. This is really getting old.

Possible causes to back, feet, shins, neck, skin, mouth and throat pain:

After 6 vials of blood, new drugs, an MRI,  and more pain, antibiotics,  anxiety meds, claritin,  and countless consultations,

Possibilities include; STD's, covid, herpes,  some yet to be diagnosed virus, old back injuries,  meningitis,  and anxiety  with bi-polar disorder. 

Front runners are now gonnahria,  meningitis,  (the latter self diagnosed thru Google and Facebook, by her).

She hasn't really slept in a week. She's erratic with her meds. Takes for a day and stops. Paces around the house, freaking out Dot and me. She pees her bedding and underwear all the time.

I've done 12 loads of laundry,  some clothes 3 times already. I've done Dozens of trips up and doing stairs,  listening to her moan, seeing her rock back and forth,  shaking hands and arms. 

The latest trip to the hospital resulted in no new disease estimates but severe anx, bi-polar disorder and was given an antibiotic,  claritin and a stronger anxiety med. 

Any more of this and I'll have to make a break for it to save my own sanity. 

On top of all of it, she broke up with Randy and is holding Gary at bay. She thinks Randy gave her gonnahria,  and hasn't spoken or texted him after he admitted being with someone else a month ago. 

I didn't text Lauren from early Friday night until tonight after dinner.  I'm a bit pissed because she cancelled our date for the 3rd week in a row.  I've stopped asking and closing my heart to her the same way I did with Dawn 

Now... sleep,  if I'm permitted 

turning the page, AGAIN ???

Last weekend,  I was to go out with Lauren, again.  Too bad of an air quality.  Let's try next week.  Tonight, another cancellation. There was at least one more cancellation before. 

It proves I'm not interesting enough to travel for weekend booty calls across the state for 4 years. As well as the Washington DC guy, newspaper guy, or even Jonathan Hillstrand a couple times. 

I was interested.  Now I'm rejected... again. Just like Dawn, who told me that her hair Is blond everywhere,  and how she really liked sex. Then... poof.

Perhaps it's time for me to dissapear.

Whew, what a couple of days!

On the vivid dreams heels of the last post came some wild ass shit. 

Yesterday,  started early enough,  me taking a package to a place that was shut down on Tuesdays delivery.  And somehow I was late to work by an hour. Got done on time.

What I didn't know was that Heather went to a doctor later in  the day to get STD tests, because she cornered Randy on who else he'd been with recently.  The response was even more ominous than what I had earlier predicted. 

He'd been with several people,  by his nonchalant response,  leading Heather to let her mind run away with her again.  

Had a GREAT conversation with Lauren last night.  Went to bed early.  

Left early this morning after a night of screaming in pain by Heather.  This was the 2nd in a row. Heather stopped me on the way out to take her to the main Aultman hospital,  where she had an MRI, drug infusion for pain, and more scans regarding STDs and pain management.  No fractures was the good news.

Bad news was that she most probably has climidia or gonnahria  and perhaps for a while.  Randy never called once. Gary,  her benefactor,  blew up Heather 's phone. 

She's got more work to do, but in Heather's own words,  she saw a different scenario playing out before her eyes, with Gary moving up front. 

I was tired all day as a result.  Sleep is not far off now.

A rush of activity that will culminate on Tuesday with the lab results on her std. She also got some drugs that will make her sleep. 

Wonder who'll star in my next vivid dream?

Another vivid weird dream

Last night,  I was riding in a 2 seater convertible as a passenger with presumably having Jimmy driving. We were on a suburban side street,  going slow. Up from behind us walked Diana, following and catching the car. I saw her and said hi. She reached out and holding onto my hand,  asked us to stop, as she wanted us to be friends. 

We stopped at a diner. While Jimmy ate, I sat across the table and talked to Diana.  She said she didn't like how we ended and wanted to be friends.  We talked some more. always holding hands as she played with my fingers.  The words spoken but I don't remember,  other than feeling heartfelt warmth from her.  

She stepped away for a moment, talking to a lady..

 Some kind of consultant.  I heard Diana say, well I'm a truck driver now and they owned 2 houses between them so her house would have to go. 

During her conversation with the consultant,  I saw her glancing at me several times. 

Then her voice got soft as she was privately talking to the consultant.  Still glancing at me once in a while. During this time,  I got the feeling that she was speaking to a wedding consultant and was getting married.  Then I got the feeling that her trying to make amends was so she could go into a marriage without any guilt. 

I felt dazed when I woke and a bit foreboding.  As if I had a glimpse of the future here. Of course I felt a sense of loss,  and yet knowing it wasn't my path, I was OK with it.  

As it was time to go, we slowly drove off, we were suddenly on  Diana's road as she walked adjacent to the car, smiled and waved as the whole dream faded.

Sad, but completed. I was reminded of how much we were in love with each other for a time. A time gone, but we were once very much in love 

November crossroads

On Halloween,  Dawn invited me to a private party at Nashville Nights.  I showed up and was told tho opposite of everything she said previously. I got stares and glares from the owner's family. Said hi to Dawn as she promenades in and then she starts setting up.  I recognized a few people but left very early, feeling out of place. 

We chatted for a couple days afterwards,  but I stopped chasing someone who keeps me around for her own attention when others stop chasing her after a while. That was a week ago and nothing since. 

_________________

Meanwhile,  Heather strolls in on Tuesday,  after being gone since Saturday.  The ensuing week was appointment after appointment,  doctor after doctor,  descending worse into the emotional abyss of rants and crying.  I'm at the end of my rope. 

_________________

Meanwhile,  Lauren had a daughter scare  with covid.  Negative. We chatted all throughout the time, and she agreed to another meeting tomorrow.  This time I pick her up at her house.  Then off to Wallace lake for a couple hours. She said she's looking forward to it.

During our talks, she and I have gotten closer.

I'm looking forward to it too. Just us. No music or loud distractions.  Maybe I'll even get to hold her hand!

cold November 1st

Rain again today. Windy and cold too.

The ugly part of November came early.

Dot and I stayed in watching movies. 

Fell asleep in the process.  Now I dread Heather's return tomorrow afternoon. 

I'm still talking to Dawn.  Thought it was over.

Had fun talking to Lauren.  She opened up a bit more today.  I like her. Maybe some day...?

Who knows.  I'm tired now