I'm tired

Driving all the time, then coming home to cook dinner, clean up dishes and shower.  It gets old, especially when she just sits home and cries all day.  If she wants to get better,  she'll have to do something, instead of nothing all day. 

I looked up addiction to atavan,  and she demonstrates the symptoms!

I'm tired of worry, stress, work nonstop and lack of fun. Wednesday is my audition with the route  95 band. I still need my equipment to arrive and she wasn't here today to receive it. If she's gone again tomorrow,  I'm gonna get pissed

a roadie day

Nearly $100 today.

I'm tired. Much driving.  

Need the cash.

Christmas 2020

The domestic drama ceased for a while when Sallie was here. Toward the end of her stay,  Heather started getting achy again.  Meals were good. No roadies today. 

Got Merry Christmas messages from Del, Erica,  Jessica,  Linda.  Messaged others.

Drums came in yesterday and I set up  the basics today

 Ordered a snare, stand and 3 cymbal stands from sweetwater yesterday.  Hopefully here soon. Then, the new drumhrad will cost 94.

I WILL gig again... soon!

2020 sucks

I started weekend roadies to make extra money.  Now I do it to stay away from the house.  Today I got a call from Heather's phone as I pulled into the car shop to get my tires retorqued. It was Rachel next door. She and Mike were babysitting Heather during one of her meltdowns. 

Oh joy. Heather can't be left alone. 

_________

I hear from Lauren less and less.  

I'm letting her fade away.  2031 better be better than 20 was. I need some happiness in my life.  I'd like a slender,  confident blue eyed woman in my life who wants to love me both emotionally and physically.  

Heather can go to Gary for all I care.  I'm tired of being the caretaker in my relationships. 

12.20.20

Only 11 more days in this God forsaken year.

Today was an exercise in stress.

So so breakfast followed by fruitless antiquing.  Strenuous arguing over did she take her meds... one minute yes... the next, no. Tired of pills... refusing to nap... crazy eyes bulging... erratically moving arms and legs... hunchback limp... moaning and coughing.  

I missed morning roadies.  Wasted time

Started wash. Went grocery shopping,  cooked dinner only to have her gag and moan she can't eat it. 

Put up tree trying to alter her mood. 

She finally collapsed at 7:45 pm.

I'M FUCKING EXHAUSTED 

12/17/20

Apparently,  I'm undesirable. 

Except for Heather who is acting like she is trying to rekindle.  I don't want that.

I guess I will just keep working.  It's all I've ever been good at.  Relationships no. Work yes. ALWAYS been that way.  ALWAYS!

I don't find joy in Facebook,  messenger or texts.  I used to get a charge out of getting texts from Lauren.  Now I don't even get texts.  She's done and I'm gone. 

Life's taken more twists and the only constant is work.  

I also fill in with roadies and that too is a bit dull. I need a break... from life

its it's been a weekend . ..

First, I find out that John Raab is hospitalized for the 2nd time for covid. Sounds like his blood O2 level is the last thing to clear before his release. 

Then, I find out that the Boneyard Mayfield was razed to the ground last month.  The best venue in Cleveland now is gone. Quite sad.

Tonight, I heard Rick Starnoni,  former Jake Blues of the Brothers Blues Band,  R-Kive and Deja Vudoo Band has passed away from covid earlier today.  His last post on Facebook was on 12/4, saying  Pray for me". 

Judging that Cy Sulak also had Covid earlier in the fall, this virus is now hitting way too close to home. 

Furthermore,  with only duos and solos surviving and larger venues closing,  plus those who've now been lost or sick, I suspect the music scene is changed forever 

Farcebook

This year,  I left Facebook 5 days before my birthday.  Staying away until now. Noone messaged,  noone missed me. Not even a where are you?

Business went on as normal.  Real friends messaged with texts.  It was as if nothing had changed.  

Well that's wrong.  I changed.  

I'm going back to Facebook and deleting my Farcebook account again because I've grown past it 

12/4/20

Lauren stood her ground and on one hand, I'm let down (my own doing). On the other hand,  I'm relieved.  Reprieved.  Let off the hook.

Lesson learned 

She's in there again

Wednesday evening,  Heather asked me to call 911.

This time, blood pressure was the culprit.  

I'm really tired of this drama 

I'm a yoyo

Yesterday,  Lauren and I chatted nicely for about an hour. Crazy chick. I kept it light and noncommittal.  We each talked about our snowy days.  Still it was nice

She opened up the conversation.  I didn't think I would hear from her. But she did. It was nice. 

I overstepped a bit when we were talking about ENT drs.  She works for one. I said my crooked nose was beneficial to kiss her without poking her eye out.

So, I apologized today.  Haven't heard back. Maybe she had to work tonight,  or has other plans. 

If it's meant to be,  I'll hear from her. 

If not, I've already pulled back from her emotionally 

We'll see. 

In the meantime,  Heather is back In the hospital again.  I think I'm done there