I grew tired of fighting...

It started years ago.  

I grew tired of fighting....

With Nancy... every thing became a dig.... a way to remind me that I cheated.    So I left.

With Cheryl... every thing became jealousy over my kids, my past, my ex. So I left  

With Jude... every thing was an opportunity for a fight... so I shut down until she left. Then I left.

With Quality Title... everything was about Bill and Debbie. You couldn't have a life of your own, and wouldn't make any more money. So I left.

With MIS, every thing I did was wrong,  so I waited until I was 62, and then I retired... left.

With photography,  I got tired of rude, demanding people, and stopped competing against the instant freebie photographers, with iPhones... so I left 

With bands like the Buzzards (internal politics); 95 and MRP (stroke  and slow recovery); Silverback (smoking)... things I couldn't control... so I left.

Bottom line is,  I grew tired of fighting,  so I  left. 

Now, a new adventure begins... me on my own terms, photography and bands. Let's begin 

End of May

Today is 5/30/21. 

3 days until all covid restrictions are lifted. I'm already going maskless for a week now. 15 months of lockdown are coming to an  end. Feeling reflective. 

FACT: There was a virus 

 I've lost friends to it. But the CDC especially Fauci, USED it to change America,  as well as the direction rhe government has gone. 

FACT: It's changed me, my opinion on what's important,  and my belief in people. There IS still a strong resistance to the vaccine. There were no clinclinical trials and about 60% of the front line are opposed to getting it. 

My stroke has changed me as well.  Strength and endurance are gone. My desire to play the drums remains,  but my experiences have shaped what I want to play.  

The Buzzards taught me that 4 different guys from 4 different backgrounds can't make a unified presentation or direction.

Silverback had a scattered direction that was unified between the two of them. I didn't hit hard enough for them yet, but their smoking cut me short.

Route 95 showed me that my  confidence can grow and there was a more unified direction,  even comeoderie that formed.  The musical direction was more up my alley. Had I  not been working First American,  I might not have had the stroke.

The Muddy River Project started out light, blues related, and then changed. In 3 weeks,  I went from audition to crash learning course, to collapse of everything after the gig. Pay far exceeded my expectations  but the demands on my body outweighed the benefits.  Plus, Pink Floyd??? All the Robin Trower.?? Ultimately,  my collapse was more mental than physical. I was NEVER going to get thr Trower and other bands stops.

I thought of quitting drumming after I let the word out. NOPE!

Gonna try again. In a more relaxed environment with a much more compatible genre.

Friends: Many went by the wayside. Some were shockers. Others predictable. GROUPS  of people became much less important.  The east side crowd for example: Vogrins, Yermans and respective crowds seemed irrelevant; many of the west siders also: Sosinski, Horvath and respective groups. The photography groups and clingons; as a matter of fact,  most all of my former customers for photography suddenly became irrelevant. 

The one thing I DO like is my solitude.  Been thinking about further south again. And this time,  there are even fewer things to hold me back.

Yes, it's been a productive,  yet turbulent 15 months

 

Reality Check Bounced

Today was May 28th. 

And that's about it. 

Today I notified the guys that I wasn't able to keep up with the band.  In truth,  I DID accomplish more in less time than I thought.  After the stroke,  my goal was 6 months from March 1st. That would be September 1st to start auditioning. I beat that goal all to hell!

Played out 5/22 and was paid $165 for 4 hours.  But my body rebelled. BIG TIME!

They're doing the 6/11 gig with a fill in. 

I suspect I'll play again. 

But that stop short blues wasn't something I was going to pick up soon enough for Jack.

So early this morning I pulled down my bandmix page (how jack found me). I altered my fb page removing all band references,  changed my header and profile.

On one hand, im sad.on the other,  relieved.  But, I did it. I publicly gigged a paying gig again.  Now to recover and move forward. 

Reality Check

Wednesday,  May 26th 

4 days since the gig.

Today, I ventured out, driving 2 roadies alone. It was my first ventures out since a brief store trip Sunday.  

While gigging would be great,  I fear I'm not 100% enough to load in, gig and load out  after a 4 hour set. 

Whereas roadies are at my choice, my schedule,  and make me weekly money. 

I may have to retire from gigging.  I'll let the guys know about my concerns.  See how the next 2 weeks go,  and take it from there.

1st step

Yesterday was huge.

Exactly 3 months after my stroke,  and e weeks after joining the band, I played my first gig.

That's a HUGE step.

Even just 2 months ago,  i wasn't even in a band.  I was barely functional enough to drive roadies.  I thought my gig playing days misfired and I was done before I got started.  Not true!

I ache. Fatigued.  But survived.  

4 hour, 4 set gig. $150 pay. Not bad since my last paying gig was March 16th 1974 for $20. The last time I played out was February 29, 2020, playing a set for free. Covid killed the follow up gig 2 days before it was scheduled. 

The Buzzards made it further than Route 95. The Buzzards played out.Route 95 was a glorified garage band, complete with pot and beer.

With the Muddy River Project,  I came into a working band. There was a 6 year history gigging. 

Lesson learned.  Mountain scaled. Now the learning starts!

But take a sore moment to bask in the accomplishment. 

Review... so far

Turbulent year.  

2nd band in 5 months,  stroke ends a job and a band on the same day. 

Facebook bots end my old profile and a new one starts on 5/4. 

Reflections are many.  What's important changed. I thought with Ohio's end of masks and restrictions effective 6/2. the party was ON!... NOPE

Not only have I changed,but so has society.  Now the masters are pushing as vaxers. You won't be able to travel abroad,  go to Disney,  go to certain events without showing your vaccine passport.

Which is in conflict with hipaa laws. It's fucked up. 

Then, women-folk.

I am still feeling gaslight by Lauren's ghosting last year. I did not re-friend her with my new profile. But What's worse,  I realized I was also ghosted by Suzanne Sohar last year as well. She was on me like white on rice and then poof. Same with dawn from Nashville Nights.  What is this phenomenon?? It's almost like a one night stand flirtation and poof. 

I give up in that department!

Last pre gig practice

I'm exhausted.  Yet proud.  I made it through 4 sets

  

Sure, I'm tired,  but, I made it. Saturday's load in is at 11:00 AM. Hig starts at 12.

The guys seem happy.  

But, I made it!!

And, Saturday marks my 3 month anniversary of my stroke 

Another milestone to put behind me 

In a few short hours...

In a few short hours,  it will be 40 years ago I first got married. 40 FUCKING years!

A lot has happened since then. I could rehash everything  now but I won't.  Almost all of it is downfall after downfall. 

I shouldn't have gotten married then. I shouldn't have been a father,  especially 4 times!

I shouldn't have involved myself with the Mitchell crowd.

The stumbling blocks built one trap after another for me and I blasted through them all. 

Then, when I was divorced,  I shouldn't have done it all again.  The best feeling relationship seemed to be Diana,  for about 3 1/2 years.  Even that crumbled.  So did subsequent relationships.  

Jude shouldn't have happened.  She was a rebound from Shari Equist, who shouldn't have happened either.  Heather was an unwanted experiment to see if I could still get it up.

Lately,  extensive flirtation from Lauren,  then Dawn, then Suzanne,  have lead me to believe that I am hopeless.  

Floodgates.

Since starting up with MRP on 5/1/21, and the changeover from my old profile at Farcebook on 5/4/21, several things occurred. 

1. I'm down 300 FB friends and some that friended me aren't the same as before, some can't be re-friended because about 40 of them are dead.  Case in point, Jen Oddo from MIS committed suicide in 2019. 

2. There seems to be a sudden change in my attitude about going out. Time was, I was out every night watching another band,  but that's changed. I don't want to go out any more.  Anyone nights i do, I'm home early anyway.  

3. Sudden memories flooding in.... Jude or Diana being case in point. The other night,  I was building a child playhouse and Gary was assisting. These could also be concerns because Jude or premonitions even, due to MRP. Who knows?

March 15, 2020 to June 2, 2021

444 days under seige. Masked, politically stifled, and sequestered. 

Deweenie lifted all restrictions effective June 2, 2021. How utterly nice of him!  Now, get the hell out of office!!

wasted time

I'm beginning to see certain checkpoints in my life. For example: February,  1980. I could have just walked away  and not take Don Cerino's goading.  

1989: we could have just made do with Kenmore Avenue.  

1994- I could have ignored Michelle. 

1998-  I could have stayed away from. Theglobe.com and all the women. 

1999: icould have just let Cheryl be a fling. I would have avoided multiple moves, a foolish 2nd marriage and divorce. 

2001: This could have been a major breakaway point. I could have moved away from northeast Ohio. 

2004-8: I could have seen that the alcohol was driving us apart. Then I may have handled 2008 differently. 

2007-08. I missed another breakaway point. Later in 2008,I wished I never wrote Cheryl that email. The subsequent 5 years downward would have been avoided.

2014. I wish I never pursued Jude.  The subsequent 2 years would have been avoided. 

2016. I wished I never responded to Heather and her messages. 

Lots of choices gone wrong!!!

wasted efforts

During my life,  I've done some stupid shit. For example:

DJing. I never really got good at it. I could speak in front of people because of the restaurant.  I had quick jokes an could project a DJ quality voice. I had a large album collection to draw from.. ... but people are assholes. 

Photography... I was delusional  that I was good.  There's always someone coming up with a different eye, perspective and equipment.  Then came the iPhone and overnight the game changed.

Besides... people are assholes. 

Graphics... I was a big fish in a very small pond. I got good at making flyers for work   Sheer arrogance brought me to the point of breaking out, but.... people are assholes. 

a bit down

On May 4th, I shutdown my Facebook page from 2008. I was being hounded by Facebook bots and getting jailed for free speech.  I created another.  This time I was more selective in my friends.  Sadly,  Dawn did not respond to me.  I chose to not invite Lauren as well as others.

Still,  I am saddened by the friends who have crossed over  and I can't refried them. 

---------

Its a difficult time because there's a lot weighing on me. I need to make more money,  despite credit, except for the car, being paid off. 

I don't sleep well and that causes fatigue.  So does stress.  Some retirement. Huh?

Gotta keep moving forward 

the NEW Segregation

I see a whole new type of segregation forming. 

Vaxers vs non vapors

They're already developing a card you will carry showing you vaccinated.

The radio and TV are blaring compliance ads... "if we all don't get vaccinations than this virus isn't going anywhere "

Kids being brainwashed at school... masking even outdoors walking home from school.

Airlines won't let you fly without proving you've been vaccinated.

Other countries won't let you in without it.

Pretty soon there will be segregation according to whether you are vaccinated or not.  

HYSTERIA will show up. 

Guns and ammo. Thats what is needed to survive 

the tent campouts

Tonight I was suddenly reminded of my teens... tent campouts. 

It all started with Dan Michl's. I was in 6th grade and we camped out in his tent in the back yard.  

Our tent campouts started once the pool was in , 7th grade. First, next to the house. Then on a tent platform I built.  Then further Southwest if the pool. It went from the old, brown and yellow tent, to the bigger green tent. 

In summer 74, the old brown and yellow tent was the vehicle we used to camp in woods. Hence, the baked bean story. 

The woods camping hay day was from August 74 until about September 77. Then the woods was demolished for the new streets going in. 

But in that 3 years we camped in every month but January and February.  These days wererge end of my innocence.  Just us guys, getting drunk in the woods. 

There was even one time, no tent, just sleeping bags under the stars. Perko woke up that time with slugs in his beard after a night of beer drinking.  

In spite of our teenage arguments and rivalries,  I had a darn good childhood in those woods

4-2-21 the Muddy River Project

Yesterday kicked the shit out of me, but I'm now in the blues rock trio named the Muddy River Project 

More when I have it