end of 2021 thoughts

The end is a lot closer than the beginning.  Probably within the next 20 years,  but more certainly within the next 10.

I'm not going to play football,  basketball or baseball again.  Most likely never going to climb a tree or a ladder.  May not even have the strength and endurance to gig again.  Not selling the drums though. 

I certainly don't have the balance to shoot photography again.  Balance just isn't there.  

I keep active by working,  driving the tires. Money's good and driving is less. If I can squeeze out 2 or 3 more years,  I should clear out the bills and maybe the cars.

I  no longer seem willing to move. I certainly won't be able to buy a home.  So, rent it is. Heather's already made plans to move in with Randy if anything happens to me. 

This kids are on their own,  without me. My sisters wouldn't make an effort to check on me after the stroke.  So those doors are closed.

The final chapter is scripted out. Now all that's required is a plot twist In the final pages. Time is the final element.  That is never a given. But if I've got 10 years,  I could gig again.  

Today's flashbacks 12/29/21

I started out flashing back to 2014-16.... Jude.

As if I'd find myself in a situation where I was forced to talk with her.
Yet, there I was, being civil.

Still, in my flashback, I knew it wasn't real, so I didn't feel threatened. Despite her being polar opposite of everything I ever stood for, I somehow knew she couldn't hurt me... or perhaps more likely, it wasn't real.

But then, I've had a lot of flashbacks lately. Virtually ALL of the east side crew... who never really knew me... just pitied me as Cheryl's widower. Virtually every one of the planet members and crew have been in my thoughts/flashbacks... but not for photography... but rather, how much I've changed. There never really was a lot in common with that crowd... just being known for taking their photos... which died off when I moved. 

For about 2 years now, the year 2014 has flashed into my head from time to time. May 16, 2014... barely, 14 months after Cheryl.. all the signals were pointing to Cheri E. (can't remember her last name). I flirted very heavily with her that night, even kissed her goodnight in a big way. We spoke on the phone several times after that... Meany's were telling me she wants to date me... green lights all over. POOF. gone.

It wasn't until the SGC gig after Linda Sheppard's death that she and I even talked, and that was after she was engaged to Horvath. Knowing what I know now... it wouldn't have worked... but it opened the door to Jude... the biggest mistake of my dating life.

Then, as of late... reflections of Lauren. Why was I ghosted? Did I get too friendly?  I felt that way because she said we'd have a STTNG Marathon weekend... and other things she said. But she wanted me to go away... no more contact and she got it! Maybe one day I'll understand,....

That's enough flashbacks. This is getting depressing.

But wait! THERE'S MORE!

Dawn.
I've made an ass of myself over her far too often. I think it's time I just be a barstool slug.

Don't look up

Tonight,  I started watching the Netflix movie Don't Look Up, as recommended by Theresa Rockface on WRQK rock 107.9.

I didn't get through half the film.

It was a terrible doomsday flick about a pair of scientists discovering a planet killing comet destined for earth. 

The story's premise might have held my interest,  but the substory of social media/ media was too view/Facebook-ish, filled with selfie- starved,  phoney social characters to hold my interest.  

If it was to be a commentary on social media divas, it succeeded.  Then I realized why Theresa Rockface loved it. She's a social media whore herself. 

Gone are the DJs I admired.Bill Lewis is retiring at the end of the week after 34 years, as did Tim Doroghty and Jeff Kinzbach.  TK and Michael Stanley died. But this new superficial breed... Spatz and Amanda,  Theresa Rockface,  Stansbury,  etc.... are all just superficial social media where's.

THAT'S what the movie Don't Look Up was filled with.  It's not that they were all gonna die. It's how good they looked doing it. Everything in that flick was about social spin.

THAT'S why I stopped watching it. There was nothing of value... no meat, all fat... no substance, all frosting.  Just like Farcebook,  Instagram and the others.... the "how does my selfie look today?" Crowd.... which I have NOTHING in common with 

flashbacks again

After a dream involving Bill Eyerdam and corporate undertakings like were at QTA/ESS 20 years ago,  I have since had Lauren flashbacks again.

QTA/ESS flashbacks are normal just as Cerino's and CUNA mutual ones were.  Lauren flashbacks are a bit out of the ordinary.  At first,  she was all for lunches and dinners. She was the one who ran with the idea of STTNG marathons.  Why then, did she suddenly ice over and ghost me? 

No matter.  It wasn't meant to be. 

I don't venture north of route 18 anyway.  

Different track.

Christmas,  I blocked all relatives except Linda, Lisa and Del. My kids have no desire to contact me anymore anyhow,  so to hell with them.

Impulse is at Nashville Nights on 1-1-22 and I'm going.  Dawn can go flirt elsewhere. Apparently,  I'm the last person to know that I am through with her.

A different type of change is in my future.  For example,  today I heard Heather say that if anything happens to me she's already discussed and agreed to move in with Randy.  She's not so hot on Bob now. Likes the looser relationship situation with Randy,  where each of them can go play with others if they want to. 

More van repairs today.  Gotta make more money now to pay the 1642 I owe credit cards on all the van work 

changes

With plans to edit my Facebook name and persona after the first of the year, complicated by my own impotence in communication skills with Dawn,  I hastened the changes after my kids very much snubbed me this Christmas.  

Blocked are Erica,  Jessica and Mike, along with Joyce and Gary.  Dropped is Brandon.  Name changed to Eric TheRecluse. Header and profile pic changed.

New years resolutions arrived a week early

Christmas eve reflections

It's 8pm. I'm in bed after a lengthy,  rather uneventful day. 

I heard back from dawn.  She said not to overthink my drunken blathering. In other words,  cool your jets, I'm not interested I you that way. 

My kids are no longer my kids. They're filthy liberals. Time to change my will before I get signatures on it.  

Jessica will be made executor in charge of disbursement.  Heather gets the nissan rogue and the camera equipment. 

After January 1st, all family gets blocked if nothing else changes.  My Facebook name will also be changed to E. Rocker and that will eliminate contact from almost everyone knowing me as E.B.Williams.  

Things are going to get changed rapidly soon. Things are not going to be status quo. 

Reevaluation

The past couple days have been... well... contemplative. 

Long talk (2 hours) with Dawn. Monday.  Nice. I could get drunk with her.  Then we'll see...

Today... call from Michelle.  Time's passed but nothing's changed.  She's still the poor me, system working cripple who smokes both cigarettes and dope.  Pontificate how others are addicted or users or thieves... almost jealous of someone who may have worked and sacrificed to get where they are at. No future there. 

Better future with Dawn'.

Hindsight

I now know a few things about 2007.

I should have stayed at the first Pine Forest apartment.  It was big enough to keep all my possessions,  including the dining room table,  buffet,  room divider and lamps. Further,  a year later,  when I left Diana,  I should have  NOT gotten involved with Cheryl again.  

I really should have taken some time to discover me. Of course I never would have known most of my Facebook friends either,  but that's the trade off I chose. 

Janet Brickhouse

Heather had a boudoir shoot with some girl she's known for a long time: Janet Brickhouse. 

I could fall for her. She's gorgeous.  But there are two things: 1. Our agreement.  Not dating each other's friends.  2. She's just out of a 12 year relationship.  I think she's rediscovering herself, and it's exciting for her... not  to mention all the attention she's getting.  

She's a fellow sagittarius,  so we'd be fire together.  But she's on the way up in her life. I'm on the way down. Just like "a star is born's" premise: A highly successful entertainer meets a young woman just starting out in the biz. They fall madly in love. Then, as her career begins to eclipse his, he spirals into addiction-fueled despair. Eventually, he dies, ...

12.16.21

Truck in for repairs.  Did 3 morning roadies with Heather.  Then 2 tire deliveries on my own to bring the week up to 504++. 454 net.

Truck cost 1411. Put on credit cards. Don't think the personal loan will come through. 

Doesn't matter. 

Facebook dating isn't getting anywhere AGAIN!. I'm not liking the prospects and my opinions are too strong.  Oh well. 

Back at it tomorrow in my newly rebuilt van

12/15/21

Van will need some front end work.  1900+ on the credit cards. It's worth it though.  

Facebook dating app is kind of a let down.  Time will tell. 

Heather is pissed at Bob for making friends with her last sexy photo client and stayed home tonight.  

Houston, we have a problem

12/12/21

My issues post stroke continue. 

I tire. Constantly fatigued.  Balance impared. Just constantly outta gas is a great description. 

12/14/21

Still fatigued.  Busy driving making over 100 dollars a day.  Still have talking problems.... short of breath and unable to project my voice. 

121221

Stepped away from fascistbook for my birthday.  Nothing happened,  except here. Linda and Lisa texted.  So did Jessica.  Nothing from Erica, Michael or James  (ever).

When I came back to fascistbook,  SSDD.  Political,  Hollywood bullshit. No friends.  Makes leaving fascistbook all the easier 

the tide has turned

I learned a hard lesson tonight about missed opportunities.  Dawn was professionally distant. Anita was drunk and funny, but distant.

Tonight was Bronx County and although half the band is friends and the other half friendly,  I was just a face in the crowd. 

Soon, I expect that will be true everywhere.  Just an anonymous crowd member. If my plan goes the way I hope it will. 

Meanwhile,  I'll be 66 tomorrow.  No way I'll ever pay off a mortgage if I ever get one.  Time has come to face facts that I am nobody and it's never gonna be more perfect to dissappear 

A funny thing happened while driving today

As I drive my deliveries,  my mind often roams. Today's mental meandering consisted of memories of last October and November when I was seeing Lauren. 

How might the conversation go had I bumped into her now? I could see reluctant conversation,  answers that push her away, and I found myself saying out loud to myself,  "No-No-No!"

In the end, I forced myself to change the subject 

I'm tired of a lot of stuff

I'm tired of BAD MEMORIES of people.  

Nancy's brainwashing the kids and family... even Lisa. 

Everything Jude 

Bad vibes from Sammy towards the end. 

Bill and Debbie Eyerdam's scorching comments as they were heard and felt through others comments. 

Pretty much everything Gary Orloski

Snide comments from all the Mitchell clan since 1998.

Erica's negative narratives

Michael's competition comments 

Kirk's childish comments that caused the rift.

Linda's comments questioning why I don't come over. 

Lisa's political comments and bitter nuances are reminiscence of mom

Mom's jealousy,  negative comments and bitterness 

And then there's the classmates...

I just want to fade away

Shifting gears 12/7

So, yesterday,  I started driving for Gomo. All the gigs are American Tire Distributors.  Two days in, and I'm at 252 And now it looks like roadie is a thing of the past. 

But if there numbers hold, I could make 600 per week.

Roadie ignored my requests to be paid my $57.70 and also reinstate my app, neither has happened. 

Meanwhile,  the customer support of Gomo actually answered the phone.  American Tire Distributors are getting used to seeing me, and they're nice!!

When one door closes,  another opens!

12/6/21

After a tumultuous week with roadie,  I'm fed up. 12/2 had me heading for my 3rd $100 day. Then... the app quit. I knew I was heading for trouble when the phone calls rolled to a recording saying call back later.  Texts went to delayed answer and emails did the same, stating heavy volume. 

It was a $57.70 tire delivery.  Credit has yet to be given. The rest of that Thursday,  and subsequent days, my app wasn't working and Credit not given. 

I found Gomo. Delivery service for tires. Completed my application,  awaiting time to try. 

Today is Monday and I opened the app. Started getting orders. First one.  Then, 2 at a time.

7 gigs 107.60 pay. Less mileage driven than roadie.  All American Tire Distributors! Same delivery that roadie is trying to gyp me out of...  This evening, I wrote roadie a final lengthy email. 

I think I will like gomo

December 1, 2021

3rd day in a row over 100

This week 2 one last week.  Last pay week over 600. I feel like I'm getting stronger.  I go from 6 am to 2... straight through.. no problem. 

I know that some time this week  Heather's heading out to Cuyahoga Falls for a few days.  But don't know when. Friday night is Sallie.  Sunday is Heather's Melanie boudoir shoot. I just want my time alone. 

ALSO

I just reread some entries from 2008 through 2010 in live journal. 

I was more verbose then.

 The break up with Diana,  my loss of the family home, the loss of the cottage and reentry of Cheryl plus a 2011 party at Orloskis were topics.

It was a great time of change back in those years from 2008 to 2011. 

Yet not much has changed.  I still reminisce about Diana,  about Cheryl,  about the family home, cottage and the like. Am I stuck in a loop?

Time to trudge forward and move on