Reflections...
I used to be more stubborned.
Once I made up my mind, I etched my decisions in stone.
It worked for a while, when I was younger and had the luxury of time on my side.
Call it maturity...
Call it experience...
I no longer have the luxury of time when it comes to stubborned decisions.
For example, after a feud with my friends across the street over - of all things - blame for fireworks at a camp out, I vowed to NEVER - EVER invite them to a party at "the pad" again. As time crept by and our friendship all but ceased, I had to crawl out of my cacoon and find other friends to drink beer with. In doing so, on one hand, I expanded my horizons, but on the other hand I lost the friendship of three childhood friends. In my rigid stubborndness, I had closed the door. Then, a few years later when I had built my dad's office, I realized something. Not only was that chapter of my life gone forever - but it couldn't be "gotten back".
Flash forward to today...
I find myself reflecting upon the decisions that altered my life's path.
Some were very serious ones. Others were minor ones. But ALL decisions alter your life's path. My life - has been a bit reactionary over the past 3 years.
For the first time in - not just 3 years... but perhaps as long as 15 years - I am at a true cross roads.
My life will change in June.
The clock is ticking.... both on the coming change as well as the remainder of my life. Prior to this coming change, most events were built on previous events. Let's give an example, shall we?
The events of this coming June are dramatic enough to anticipate, because of rash, horney and adulterous decisions in my past. Had I just left well enough alone in November, 1994, it wouldn't have lead to December's affair starting; which wouldn't have lead to January, 2005's discovery and all the distrust, guilt and punishment for the next 4 years; which wouldn't have lead to my straying again and again; which wouldn't have lead to my deciding to separate and divorce; which wouldn't have lead to a bankruptcy, foreclosure and hundreds of thousands in child support, anger, jealousy and alienation - not just between me & my ex - but also my kids. And so on and so on....
Those events were prefaced by a spontaneous and ill conceived decision to marry my ex just after she graduated. I was feeling "left behind" as most others my age were either married or already divorced by their 25th birthday and I had yet to enter the starting gate.
So here I am - some 29 years later - wondering what it all would have been like if I had stayed STUBBORNED and NOT left the coziness of my woods, my treehouse and my then, care free life.
I don't have the luxury of time to re-make mistakes, as I doubt I have 29 more years in me to waste.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Directional Shift
In a few, very short months I have seen things invert several times.
I not only speak about our out of control, spend-thrift socialist government (who by the way will eventually clamp down on ALL of our rights - INCLUDING posts to the internet) - but also of personal revelations that have left my world with no reference points that are recognizable.
The avalanche of change began long ago.
I can't really nail it down for certain, but the "spark" that lit today's ever-shortening fuse may have been when dad died. Although professionally, I had radically shifted gears a mere 2 years earlier, all seemed OK at the time. Still other "traces" of the initial spark were lit back 7 years prior when I got engaged.
But none of that is relevent for this topic.
What IS relevent is the course I have been on for the past 12 years is about to end. Yesterday, I began the process of emancipating my youngest child. In 2 months, the entire child support ordeal will be complete and I can close the door on that chapter of my life.
What lies ahead is new ground - never before taken.
It's like being reborn.
On one hand, I have been bemoaning the fact that I had filed bankruptcy 3 times and been foreclosed upon twice. On the other hand, it could indeed become extremely liberating to have NO CREDIT!
I am currently toying with the idea of moving in June. My lease is up. My kids all grown. My child support will be OVER. I have sent my loan officer license back to the state about 2 years ago and my realtor's license is now also inactive at the state. My ill-thought out LLC that I purchased almost 3 years ago has been cancelled prior to my move, which will make the severing of that record all the easier. I should be DONE with R.I.T.A. as well. I cancelled my business website and built a sub-domain in my personal website for by 1 page business webpage - thus saving $132 per year.
Last year, I eliminated my cell phone obligations (my cell is on someone else's plan), discontinued tanning thus saving 250 per year, ceased collecting CDs Video's etc, and all but halted ALL ebay activity, saving hundreds - if not thousands.
16 months ago, I traded in a gas hog for an economical 4 cylinder car, changed over insurances and dropped my land line, also saving hundreds - if not more.
All extraneous spending has been eliminated save for one new hobby. Rock & roll photography... and note I said HOBBY!
A cornerstone is being reached.
My initial delusions of returning to the stage as a drummer have faded in the fog as well as my being a professional rock & roll photographer, which was a bigger delusion. My drumset, now dis-assembled in parts all over the livingroom, might just remain such indefinately. My willingness to give up my facebook six months ago - and in the process of down-grading and stripping out my MySpace account to all but a generic name and no information - and most importantly - eliminate my 10 year web presence (erocker.net) - is in the process. The final elimination of my website is yet to be determined, but can ultimately happen should outside influences continue on their present track.
The time is now for a revelation.
The time may also be right for a revolution. Having divested myself from everything of value, I may be ripe to become one of the new Patriot foot soldiers in the new revolution.
Time will tell
In a few, very short months I have seen things invert several times.
I not only speak about our out of control, spend-thrift socialist government (who by the way will eventually clamp down on ALL of our rights - INCLUDING posts to the internet) - but also of personal revelations that have left my world with no reference points that are recognizable.
The avalanche of change began long ago.
I can't really nail it down for certain, but the "spark" that lit today's ever-shortening fuse may have been when dad died. Although professionally, I had radically shifted gears a mere 2 years earlier, all seemed OK at the time. Still other "traces" of the initial spark were lit back 7 years prior when I got engaged.
But none of that is relevent for this topic.
What IS relevent is the course I have been on for the past 12 years is about to end. Yesterday, I began the process of emancipating my youngest child. In 2 months, the entire child support ordeal will be complete and I can close the door on that chapter of my life.
What lies ahead is new ground - never before taken.
It's like being reborn.
On one hand, I have been bemoaning the fact that I had filed bankruptcy 3 times and been foreclosed upon twice. On the other hand, it could indeed become extremely liberating to have NO CREDIT!
I am currently toying with the idea of moving in June. My lease is up. My kids all grown. My child support will be OVER. I have sent my loan officer license back to the state about 2 years ago and my realtor's license is now also inactive at the state. My ill-thought out LLC that I purchased almost 3 years ago has been cancelled prior to my move, which will make the severing of that record all the easier. I should be DONE with R.I.T.A. as well. I cancelled my business website and built a sub-domain in my personal website for by 1 page business webpage - thus saving $132 per year.
Last year, I eliminated my cell phone obligations (my cell is on someone else's plan), discontinued tanning thus saving 250 per year, ceased collecting CDs Video's etc, and all but halted ALL ebay activity, saving hundreds - if not thousands.
16 months ago, I traded in a gas hog for an economical 4 cylinder car, changed over insurances and dropped my land line, also saving hundreds - if not more.
All extraneous spending has been eliminated save for one new hobby. Rock & roll photography... and note I said HOBBY!
A cornerstone is being reached.
My initial delusions of returning to the stage as a drummer have faded in the fog as well as my being a professional rock & roll photographer, which was a bigger delusion. My drumset, now dis-assembled in parts all over the livingroom, might just remain such indefinately. My willingness to give up my facebook six months ago - and in the process of down-grading and stripping out my MySpace account to all but a generic name and no information - and most importantly - eliminate my 10 year web presence (erocker.net) - is in the process. The final elimination of my website is yet to be determined, but can ultimately happen should outside influences continue on their present track.
The time is now for a revelation.
The time may also be right for a revolution. Having divested myself from everything of value, I may be ripe to become one of the new Patriot foot soldiers in the new revolution.
Time will tell
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Unexplainable Events
I seem to be adrift in an eddy of swirling changes.
In the past, much of what happened to me was directly related to cause and effect results surrounding my activities. Lately, however, things are happening in so many and unrelated areas that many of my traditional reference points are now blurred in the distance.
Some of it is directly related to every one of the 546 complete blithering Washingtonian assholes and their agents' activities. In 14 months since the crown's ASSention, nothing resembles the old republic and that concerns me. If these massive CHANGEs continue at their present pace, I may not be free enough to make my stealthy move in a mere next few months.
But it's far more than that.
My relationship has shown it's true claws. Held at bay, it could be tolerated. But I will no longer live like that with anyone - whether they be caring half the time and a bitch the remaining time - or whether they choose to drink away their brain cells in front of a fish pond. Neither situation is desirable any longer.
And it's still more than that.
My extreme dissatisfaction with the musical pursuits has left me cold in my own pursuits - wondering if my discretionary spending is more worthwhile being spent upon armaments and disappearing, rather than an extreme extravigance such as a drum set.
All I see in the future is hardship.
Every avenue I peer down - a different type of hardship.
I am wondering whether it's better to be forewarned and forearmed than to pursue my last remaining childhood desire of drumming in a live music band. Especially when bands - as well as the bars who employ them - are struggling. Seeing how all of my remaining childhood dreams and visions of my life have died a most bitter death in the past 10 years...
Perhaps time, money and efforts would be better spent learning a trade like black-smithing. Horse power... I mean LITERAL Horse power - may be the labor saving devices in the near future, once this economy and country collapse. The VERY NEAR FUTURE
I seem to be adrift in an eddy of swirling changes.
In the past, much of what happened to me was directly related to cause and effect results surrounding my activities. Lately, however, things are happening in so many and unrelated areas that many of my traditional reference points are now blurred in the distance.
Some of it is directly related to every one of the 546 complete blithering Washingtonian assholes and their agents' activities. In 14 months since the crown's ASSention, nothing resembles the old republic and that concerns me. If these massive CHANGEs continue at their present pace, I may not be free enough to make my stealthy move in a mere next few months.
But it's far more than that.
My relationship has shown it's true claws. Held at bay, it could be tolerated. But I will no longer live like that with anyone - whether they be caring half the time and a bitch the remaining time - or whether they choose to drink away their brain cells in front of a fish pond. Neither situation is desirable any longer.
And it's still more than that.
My extreme dissatisfaction with the musical pursuits has left me cold in my own pursuits - wondering if my discretionary spending is more worthwhile being spent upon armaments and disappearing, rather than an extreme extravigance such as a drum set.
All I see in the future is hardship.
Every avenue I peer down - a different type of hardship.
I am wondering whether it's better to be forewarned and forearmed than to pursue my last remaining childhood desire of drumming in a live music band. Especially when bands - as well as the bars who employ them - are struggling. Seeing how all of my remaining childhood dreams and visions of my life have died a most bitter death in the past 10 years...
Perhaps time, money and efforts would be better spent learning a trade like black-smithing. Horse power... I mean LITERAL Horse power - may be the labor saving devices in the near future, once this economy and country collapse. The VERY NEAR FUTURE
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Circle of Life
Recently, my kids' only living grandparent died. She was 71.
I'd known her and her late husband since 1972, along with their 2 oldest girls a set of twin brothers and their youngest daughter. The situation revolving around how I met my kids' mom is perhaps left for another time - but isn't relevent to this diatribe. What IS important is a recognition that a transition that began in 1987 is now nearly complete. Their first grandparent (my dad) died in that year. My girls were 4 and 1.
The last portion of this cycle of my life will end in less than three months. That is when my youngest is finally out of high school and out from under my child support. That is also when some very specific changes COULD take place. My lease is up within weeks of his graduation and I could find myself moving on. That would be the ideal for me - but my income would have to take a sharp upturn starting NOW in order to save for the next security deposit. Needless to say - ANY move would HAVE to take me OUT of Cuyahoga County as I can no longer STAND it here.
Many of the dreams of my youth have come crashing into rubble over the past few years.
I have NO income to speak of.
I have NO possessions of any merit for my age.
I have NO real estate.
I have NO savings.
I have NO retirement plan
I'll have a remaining life similar to that of an early settler... no job security... no days off ...
But for now - at least - I have my health.
Ideally, I would LOVE to live in a Township - with NO income taxes.
I must begin anew.
Recently, my kids' only living grandparent died. She was 71.
I'd known her and her late husband since 1972, along with their 2 oldest girls a set of twin brothers and their youngest daughter. The situation revolving around how I met my kids' mom is perhaps left for another time - but isn't relevent to this diatribe. What IS important is a recognition that a transition that began in 1987 is now nearly complete. Their first grandparent (my dad) died in that year. My girls were 4 and 1.
The last portion of this cycle of my life will end in less than three months. That is when my youngest is finally out of high school and out from under my child support. That is also when some very specific changes COULD take place. My lease is up within weeks of his graduation and I could find myself moving on. That would be the ideal for me - but my income would have to take a sharp upturn starting NOW in order to save for the next security deposit. Needless to say - ANY move would HAVE to take me OUT of Cuyahoga County as I can no longer STAND it here.
Many of the dreams of my youth have come crashing into rubble over the past few years.
I have NO income to speak of.
I have NO possessions of any merit for my age.
I have NO real estate.
I have NO savings.
I have NO retirement plan
I'll have a remaining life similar to that of an early settler... no job security... no days off ...
But for now - at least - I have my health.
Ideally, I would LOVE to live in a Township - with NO income taxes.
I must begin anew.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Do you hear that?
Do you?
That is the dying pulse of the nation.
Out of work
Out of money
No credit
No leadership
It's TIME.
Time to become INCONSPICUOUS
Dump your debt
PREPARE!!!!
It's time to get back to self sufficiency
Self Employment is mandatory on a cash only basis
Bartering will become more prevelant when the dollar crashes
Return to the land... plow... grow...
Self Sufficiency is necessary if you are to survive the coming crash, insurrection and dictatorial crackdown.
Today is 3/9/10.
You've been warned.
Do you?
That is the dying pulse of the nation.
Out of work
Out of money
No credit
No leadership
It's TIME.
Time to become INCONSPICUOUS
Dump your debt
PREPARE!!!!
It's time to get back to self sufficiency
Self Employment is mandatory on a cash only basis
Bartering will become more prevelant when the dollar crashes
Return to the land... plow... grow...
Self Sufficiency is necessary if you are to survive the coming crash, insurrection and dictatorial crackdown.
Today is 3/9/10.
You've been warned.
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