Reflections...

I used to be more stubborned.
Once I made up my mind, I etched my decisions in stone.
It worked for a while, when I was younger and had the luxury of time on my side.

Call it maturity...
Call it experience...
I no longer have the luxury of time when it comes to stubborned decisions.

For example, after a feud with my friends across the street over - of all things - blame for fireworks at a camp out, I vowed to NEVER - EVER invite them to a party at "the pad" again. As time crept by and our friendship all but ceased, I had to crawl out of my cacoon and find other friends to drink beer with. In doing so, on one hand, I expanded my horizons, but on the other hand I lost the friendship of three childhood friends. In my rigid stubborndness, I had closed the door. Then, a few years later when I had built my dad's office, I realized something. Not only was that chapter of my life gone forever - but it couldn't be "gotten back".

Flash forward to today...
I find myself reflecting upon the decisions that altered my life's path.
Some were very serious ones. Others were minor ones. But ALL decisions alter your life's path. My life - has been a bit reactionary over the past 3 years.

For the first time in - not just 3 years... but perhaps as long as 15 years - I am at a true cross roads.

My life will change in June.
The clock is ticking.... both on the coming change as well as the remainder of my life. Prior to this coming change, most events were built on previous events. Let's give an example, shall we?
The events of this coming June are dramatic enough to anticipate, because of rash, horney and adulterous decisions in my past. Had I just left well enough alone in November, 1994, it wouldn't have lead to December's affair starting; which wouldn't have lead to January, 2005's discovery and all the distrust, guilt and punishment for the next 4 years; which wouldn't have lead to my straying again and again; which wouldn't have lead to my deciding to separate and divorce; which wouldn't have lead to a bankruptcy, foreclosure and hundreds of thousands in child support, anger, jealousy and alienation - not just between me & my ex - but also my kids. And so on and so on....

Those events were prefaced by a spontaneous and ill conceived decision to marry my ex just after she graduated. I was feeling "left behind" as most others my age were either married or already divorced by their 25th birthday and I had yet to enter the starting gate.

So here I am - some 29 years later - wondering what it all would have been like if I had stayed STUBBORNED and NOT left the coziness of my woods, my treehouse and my then, care free life.

I don't have the luxury of time to re-make mistakes, as I doubt I have 29 more years in me to waste.