Dreams

 Lately, my subconscious mind must be in overdrive.

As I am in a dream state while sleeping lately, I have had some seriously horrific dreams. Last night... a double header.
        First: I was apparently in a home with Cheryl and at least her two youngest kids. I remember getting out of bed for some reason, and showering. Headed back to the bedroom, I was apparently not dressed... or not dressed enough. Because she was off standing at the other end of the room and shielding the kids. Bitching her lungs out. 

I woke up in horror. The last thing I remember in that dream was saying I'm Outta here! Not again!


        Second: I don't know how it happened, but I was in charge of care for Donald Trump. We were somewhere up high, like a trapeze. He wanted to walk out onto a thin strip of clothlike material across to the other pole, and hundreds of feet below was water. Trump wouldn't listen to anyone... and he slipped off. He caught himself and was hanging onto the strip of cloth. That's when I woke up. Prophetic? No way of knowing for 6 weeks. However, yesterday night was the first Presidential debate, which I didn't watch. But today's sound bites sound like two 5 year olds having a yelling war.

This path

The more I think about it,  the more I realize that the path I am currently on will need to change. Since there is no real relationship with Heather,  there's no point in continuing the charade of "us". 

It's OK for her to have her flings. 

Why can't I have them as well? Except for by definition,  a fling implies sex, which I haven't felt comfortable in since 2005.

Within the confines of this living situation,  I cannot have a healthy relationship of my own.  I need to be more FREE than I am.  Free to come and go.  Free to stay out all night.  Free to entertain.  I won't have that here. 

Yet, she spends weekends away... plans vacations... talks of going away to Vegas or the Bahamas or Florida.  Meanwhile,  I work...

This path has to change 

I no longer believe

Seriously,  was I supposed to believe in happily  ever  after?

While I enjoyed the band Impulse last night,  I felt strained with the company.  Patricia was there again.  Conversation moved to Nashville Nights and it sounds like one of the broken English guys wants to buy it. Supposedly it is still opening October 1st. 

We'll see 

Heather had dinner with her benefactor after spending the day with him. Tonight she messaged that Randy is spending winter in Florida.  So she better get a fling to replace him.

I didn't work today and it felt ok not to. Got a ladder hanger built in the garage,  did laundry and went shopping.  Busy, but same day!!

Dot slept.  Now so must I 

Still reeling

After the events of this past week are settling in,  I find myself reflecting on the events of the past year.  6 solid months of nervous anxiety followed by a week of frantic lunacy and then silence.  

I'm sure it'll take a while to sink in. Sallie is quiet and sorrowful.  She lied, about everything.  Cost us $7000. Trusting her will never be the same.  

Heather now talks about going away with Randy on vacation.  What am I, sliced meat?? I won't let any grass grow under my feet.  She plays. I'll play! Wednesday,  I'll head to sly fox for Cys 69th birthday.  This weekend I'll find somewhere to go.  Maybe I'll find a lady.

I'm still looking at other places to live. She gets money from her benefactor and unemployment.  No incentive for her to work.  I, still average 250 a week, on Roadie. For me its about 31000 a year with social security.  I can get by on that.  

A new frontier

This weekend was multi faceted.  

Mostly surrounding the Kaiden Kares photo shoot Saturday.  Sallie was shipped off to Gina's for the weekend so we could do the photos. She returned home on Sunday. Heather spent most of the day talking to her afterwards. 

Results: Sallie never told the Gal she wanted to live here. A $7000 wishful presumption on Heather's part. Dropping the suit was the best decision. Huge letdown and at the same time,  relief. That life is now closed forever for me .

Heather now moves on to her boyfriends. I'm leisurely looking for another home. Either Wayne county or south to Bolivar/Navarre area.

A partner? No. Just hooking up from now on. 

I must now concentrate on me

The end

Heather cancelled her lawsuit today.  

She willingly gave up access to Sallie's phone monitoring software.  She gained nothing in return. 

$6750 was spent to do that. 6 months of turmoil.  Sallie didn't do her part... ever.

CHANGES:

1. Sallie will never regain my trust.  

2. Heather is now free to have her side men whenever she wants. 

3. When Dot dies, I go. 

I'm done with all this drama. Her family.  Her ex's dealings... which will never go away. Her in laws.  

I pay off my cards, save up some cash and go. 

No more ties to women.  I'll date, but live separate.  IF AT ALL!

The stress over the past 6 months has been as bad as when I worked at MIS... and THAT was Bad!!

Fog

They say you're in a fog...

Maybe because you're dopey.

Maybe it's because you just can't care anymore  . 

This morning Heather ceased her lawsuit. 

Quitting after she spent 6750.

She can't take the scrutiny into her mental health.  Mixed feelings result. 

No more complaints about what happened at her ex's.  No more visits here from Mike,  cheryl,  Marlene or Sarah.  All aren't allowed here... or I'm gone. Heather van go to her boyfriend or benefactor at will now

I'm done

Dot goes. I'm next

Then theres my scabbed over heart. I'm cooling dawn.

Decision

Between yesterday and today,  I made a decision.  I need to start saving money to get outta here. 

Heather came home today instead of tomorrow or Monday.  My blissful weekend is now disrupted.  I have to put up with her bitching and whining tonight and all day tomorrow.  

No cleanings still. No more income and yet she runs up more Bill's. Tonight she subscribed to CBS all access and is watching some Kardashian like movie. I've retired to my room. 

I need to work MORE so I can start stashing 100 per pay in savings.  That way I'll soon have my security deposit for a new place.

I think the custody thing will be going south. Then, for the next 2 1/2 years, I'll have to hear all of both Sallies complaints as well as Heather's.  I'm beyond my patience Limit here.

Time to GO!

Moving on

Last night, as I was readying to go out I got a text from Patricia of Nashville Nights,  inviting me out... she didn't know who or where they were headed. I declined when she mentioned some DJ. 

After the night was over and I reflected on some older texts, I began to realize my own folly. I read some of Dawn's words... and what she really DIDN'T say. I read Anita's almost scolding words about no longer being one to go out. And there was Patricia's text. 

I realized that I was the fool. The chump, the one being played. Dawn's only looking for attention.  Anita's just looking to be left alone.  Patricia is looking to get a man.

I was blind

Wierd

I went to the Sly Fox last night to see PVP. About 50 people attended. The strangest thing was when Tom and Barb arrived  Tom came over. Daid he had to ask if Heather and I were still together.  I didn't hesitate and said, not in that way. We're still roommates but she's had a boyfriend in Berea for 2 years. 

He said that since Heather unfriended both of them they both surmised we were no longer a couple. Later, I had a chance of an in depth conversation and really filled in the gaps...

 Staying until Dot dies... stress involved with the trial and how there's only a matter of time for me. Etc...

Smart couple! They deduced it on their own 

Sleepless Thoughts

So I drove a ton today and at 3:19 am I'm wide awake after about 2 hours sleep.  Thinking about work, drumming,  moving. All sorts of unresolved issues with prior women, former friends and so on. 

Funny... as soon as I start typing,  my eyes get sleepy. 

A Sense

In my life, I've been able to tell when a change was going to happen.  A "Sense" if you will. 

The undercurrent is swirling and foundations are getting ready to shift.  I can feel it.  What does it mean?

The custody case is coming up on two hearings this month.  Perhaps that.

My tolerance for Heather's moods is at it's end. Perhaps that. I HAVE been contemplating a move much more recently. 

I can't see Ohio loosening it's guidelines on coronavirus any time soon. There's just too much power that Deweenie would have to give up.  I feel that these restrictions will continue on into next year. So that's not it.

With the lockdown continuing,  I suspect all band activity to be minimal for the near future,  as well. I should practice more.

I've got this "sense" however that change of some kind is eminent.  

Limbo

2020 is a year in limbo.

EVERYTHING is on hold. 

Yesterday afternoon,  I  went out to take photos.  It was only the second time this year.  It felt good, but now I must be going back to work.  I need to make more money to pay off bills.  

I don't like where I am at emotionally either. I seem to be "on hold". I DID get to play out again,  which was something I thought I would never do again. Now, I'm at an emotional cross roads with it. Music is good but the environment to play out is not. I now feel that it'll be 2021 before we see some form of normalcy in this world. 

What will definitely HAVE to happen will be housing.  Where will I live when this is over? Heather is all wrapped up in her boyfriend and beneficiary.  She's not working much.  Her future will be dependent upon the outcome of her trial.  

Whatever happens with the trial,  my future is not with her.  I see us parting ways sooner rather than later.  Because once the trial is over,  there will be some other form of drama that she'll drum up, and I can't live that way.  I want peace and solitude.  

I'd love to live in a smaller town anyway.  There's already too much hustle and bustle here.  I'd rather be further away. 

Time will tell I guess.  Nothing to do but work and pay off bills right now 

A simple task...

Simply put, I must distance myself from Dawn. She's a game player.  I bit on one of her posts again tonight.  

Why DUMBASS why?

You'll NEVER get her.

She is cute. She knows it

She knows how to play games far better than I ever could learn to. 

Apparently,  she places slightly suggestive posts and then sees who bites. She insinuates stuff and would let you gush to feed her need for attention.  

She repeats the process regularly.  She's a big game player.  To hear her talk, she repeats the same stories over and over, but never expands nor continues them. 

Her conversation is almost mindless,  as if she's repeating something someone else said without any originality or forethought on her own. 

I suspect that there is nothing behind that pretty face other than a vapid vacuum. 

I must cure my infatuation with her 

Labor Day and Chippewa Lake

519 Twilight Trail. 

The cottage. 

So many summers. So many trips to the park. Now the park is gone. Now the cottage is gone.  Now the entire block of Twilight Trail is gone. 

The memories remain. 

Summer 

Memorial Day 

4th of July 

Labor Day 

All had fireworks. 

Mom's birthday was always celebrated there.  Tante Emma always made mom a cake. 

I grew up having a great childhood. 

Period.