I'm doing it wrong

I'm glad October is over. 

I've turned so many pages.  

It's no longer 100% recollectable. 

New job. Roadie fees went down and gigs fewer and farther between.  I went to 1st American Couriers. Money will get better as I gain experience. 

I haven't seen Lauren in 2 weeks.  First weather,  then covid tests.  I don't know where I stand with her. I think that it's still good. We still text almost daily but... who knows. 

Speaking of covid,  Sallie was exposed and is quarantined for weeks

Heatheris at Randy'sfrom lastthurs to Monday afternoon I'm good being alone. 

Dawn shot me down in a friendly way a couple of days ago. I went to the birthday party . I'm quite done. She always said sugar and would sweet talked me back. And then I'd flop again.  She's outta my league anyway. 

I'm feeling alone 

Changes

Well, Lauren said she wasn't rebuffed.  

Perhaps,  perhaps not.  

While we continued to text, she postponed meeting again.  Today,  she never texted once. I feel like she's retreated.  Moving on...

Late last week,  Dawn started messaging and texted a new photo that I claimed was gorgeous and she used as her profile. She invited me to a private birthday party at Nashville Nights on Halloween.  We continued to message - even today.  She calls me sugar all the time.  I have no way of knowing what she thinks as she flirts very heavy and then drifts away.  

Saturday,  I went to Impulse.  Many were there.  Suzanne Sohar came up to me to talk. She had just refriended me the week before.  She came up to say that it was her birthday and her boyfriend was there.  I said I saw. 

Earlier that day her profile was up and her status was single.  Later that night,  her status... her profile was gone. Something must have happened.  Who knows?

Two weeks ago,  Heather hurt her back cleaning.  Initially diagnosed with ruptured disks, she bounced back way too fast for burst disks. Time will tell.

So the miraculous recovery also allows for Heather's weekend with Randy and her Herman's Hermits show. I was hoping to get a couple dates in. Who knows now. 

Sallie has been quarantined for 2 weeks due to a classmate getting covid. Heather is taking this like a vacation 

I started a new gig today. Replacement of Roadie on a positive replacement.  Time will tell...

Oops, I did it again

This is 2 parts.

Part 1

I completely opened up to Lauren. Talked about family parties,  invitations to dinner at her house.  Softball game at her house with a water balloon fight, Lauren pushing me into the pool, our make out sessions at a party and one midday visit once where we went downstairs and necked for a bit while she was on lunch. These things and others,  I distinctly remember. 

NOPE never happened.  Did She block them out? Was I hallucinating? Was it a fantasy? 

Nope.  I remember the make out sessions happening.  

She was convinced they never happened and I wasn't delusional.  Maybe I dreamt them.

They happened.  I started wondering who. Then I think.... Barb Daniels???  I can't be sure,  but that might be the answer.  She also came to parties and she and I did date some. 

But Lauren was rebuffed and repulsed.  I was even accused of being with Laura Hazen or Jeannie Dobie. Neither were friends of Lauren and she hates them as Linda dumped Lauren and even ignored her at a recent reunion.  Jeannie was Kathy Dobie's sister and I hated the stuck up bitch. I'm guessing Laura Hazen was Amy Hazen's sister,  but Amy was a popular cheerleader and not very likely to talk to me. No way on either chick. 

So I have repulsed a very nice, very comfortable feeling Lauren.  

Funny.  4 weeks ago,  I ended use of allopurinol and started tart cherry extract.  I had no returning of gout and my joints feel great! So I looked for a substitute for lisinopril and found one. Been on that for 2 weeks.  Lisinopril side effects were horrendous.  Dizziness,  dry mouth,  constant pee trips, aching joints,  stomach  problems including indigestion,  even cancer,  and loss of interest in sex. HELLO! Since I've been off lisinopril I get hard ons and am horny!!! BENEFIT!!!

But now, I've driven Lauren away.

Sigh.

Well now...

Lauren and I had our second date last weekend.  She is SO easy to talk to.  She said the same thing on Sunday night when we texted.  It's like time flies... Whoosh... when we spend time together.  I'd like to see her more, and this time,  I'm not rushing her.  I'll let her choose the place and time.  

_______________

On other notes...

I've successfully backed off of  Dawn.  Still, from time to time she'll message me,  something like last week,  "I want to kiss you all over your face" out of the blue. I suspect that she has a stable of guys who she keeps around list to message from time to time to keep her getting attention she craves.  That's kind of a sad existence,  but that's how she strikes me.  Feeling lonely,  text a guy.

That's why I backed off. There's nothing underneath the image she's trying to maintain. 

________

More when I think of it 

yesterday must have been an alignment

Last night, after almost a week of planning,  Lauren and I met at the Inn Between bar for a few beers and munchies. 

Honestly,  it was the best time I had with a girl in a long, long time.  No pretenses,  no expectations,  just talked. We have a great deal in common!

Even the night time texts and later this morning were fun. Again,  no expectations and no pretenses.  It was a good night.

Then, out of nowhere,  Dawn starts messaging me. She said she always thought I was gorgeous and wants to kiss me all over my face. Hmmmm.

...

Why do I doubt her???

I'm on vacation

So, it's Saturday morning.  Heather's been gone since yesterday at noon. Won't be back until sometime Monday 

That's a 3 day weekend for me 

Dreams

Not the Fleetwood Mac kind.

Vivid dreams.

My mind has been busy the past few days. Whether Eddie Van Halen's death, or work concerns, I've been mentally busy. I didn't sleep much last night either.  However just before awakening,  I must have slept enough to get a dream in.

It involved Jude. She and I were talking very nicely and just as I woke up she kissed me goodbye at the end of our conversation.  We were at the sly fox and I was leaving when it happened.  I only remember that and waking up thinking "what the hell happened??"

Perhaps it's because I have been chatting with Lauren and we started talking about meeting up for a couple of beers. 

It could have been Eddie Van Halen's death and feeling a subconscious need to wrap up any unresolved feelings from the past. 

Whatever it was,  I woke so disoriented that I missed a day of gigs.

10/6/2020

The day that EVERYONE felt like they were punched in the stomach. 

Eddie Van Halen died on 10/6/2020

Cancer sucks.

2020 sucks.

Cancer = 2020

2020 reflections - so far

2020

The year that will forever be synonymous with shit. Music shutdown.  Bars shutdown.  Jobs shutdown.  Economy shutdown. 

It's been an emotional nightmare. 

It's been an emotional readjustment. 

I think I've been cured of playing music live.

I KNOW I've been cured of photography of live events and weddings. Those doors are all but closed. 

Additionally,  the women front has resurfaced on many areas. With Heather now juggling two men,  I've begun searching for myself. 

Lonely nighttime conversations began with the following women:

Dawn: almost desirable in every way.  Blond, blue eyes,  tall and slender yet shapely.  We talked a lot. A LOT!! Confessed crushes on each other,  considered meeting.  Never did. The more we talked, the less deep she was. While she was devoted to her family,  men seem to be a toy for her momentary amusement.  I backed off and the feelings subsided. The downside was smoking,  her teeth and her shallowness.  

Anita: we chatted a bit. I got scolded on the importance of her family and how she reevaluated the bar scene. Pretty blue eyes and gorgeous smile plus her dancing abilities were offset by her smoking and condescending attitude. 

Patricia from Nashville Nights: She started hitting on me again at the Red Fox during an Impulse show. Again at Cliffside Key Club.  She started holding my arm, and staring at me during my watching of the show. It was uncomfortable as hell. She's nice as a friend but that is all. 

Suzanne Sohar: she's got a cute face and smile, huge tits that she flaunts but a large body as well. She's flirtatious as hell, sexually suggestive and a sweet voice.  She had flirted harder than anyone else did late last year, then dropped friendship and even blocked me until I started going to see Impulse again.  Recently refriended me and I scoped out her profile. She had a boyfriend earlier this year but now lists as single again.  I guess that's why she blocked me and then refriended me now that she's single again.  I must resist the urge to hit on her because I suspect she has a stability problem. I don't need another Heather. 

Lauren Wojciechowski (Kroggle): Very recently we started texting and discovered we have similar disasters in our pasts.  Multiple bad relationships,  etc.

We exchanged phone numbers and talked about going out for a beer to catch up in person.  Might do it, but she has a few downfalls.  She is incredibly thin... looking almost sickly.  Her teeth are dark in spots and she smokes,  apparently a lot. Her face is wrinkled and drawn and she keeps her hair unkempt.  Perhaps nothing more than a friend. 

_____________________

Perhaps with all the Heather drama going on, I will also be distancing myself at home as well.  She's getting lazy again. Last week was all gung ho on cleaning,  now talking about changing careers again.  I'm tired of it with her. Truly tired.  Emotionally she bounces all over the place and I no longer have it in me to boost her up to a stable level.  Heather and I are done in so many ways!

I need a clean break 

time's up

Been thinking about emotionally releasing the past. Just letting it go. However,  isolating the problems are difficult. 

Cheryl triggered me with her emotional screaming outbursts.  Then her demeaning,  condescending words. 

The same thing happened with Jude. 

I believe it started with Nancy's ranting after the affair.  The subsequent spending spree bankrupted us into a point of no return. 

When a girl starts screaming,  I get tense, and want to head for the hills. In the past, even Diana yelled and I subsequently spent money on rocks, sump pump and drain tile. 

Either I have to isolate from girls or hibernate.  

Now, a funny chain of events.  

A ghost from the past refriended me last night. After half a year's absence,  and 2 recent trips to see Impulse,  Suzanne Sohar popped up.  Funny thing is,  I had thought about her sexual texts and messages just recently.  Thought I might try to take her up on her propositioning me this time. See if I can finally climax in a girl. We'll see