I started thinking

Ken brought up some serious accusations when we spoke yesterday.  Randy's rants and being an asshole to the bar owner for their duo gigs. (Ironically,  Randy blamed Ken's cheating on the barmaid for losing the gigs). 

So I thought about it.  Blocked one of Randy's profiles,  and spent time tonight listening to his rants after my stroke.  Several things came to light. 

I never heard him badmouth the bar.

He's rehashing his issues with the neighbors,  the police reports, his septic,  his plants... 

In Several early videos,  he talked about the replacement drummer search,  multiple bands, but my drums were still up, and uncovered. Obviously,  they'd been played. 

But Randy's rantings made me really sad. He's lost it completely.  Same rants, same topics, day in day out. 

I was grievously in error.  He's a troubled man.

Later, he ranted about what others were saying about his buying a cycle.  A man's gotta have transportation! That didn't bother me,  as a matter of fact,  it showed me he was taking responsibility for his own transportation.... not being foolish as he was ranting about. 

But here's a man who was alleging ho about playing out, now suddenly without a band... even a duet partner. 

Ken said he'd get sick after every practice.  Whether pot, or mold, or just dirty, it was quite apparent Ken didn't like Randy's house. No wonder we never went beyond 2 hours practice!

Still,  I'm sad for randy... he seems to have back slid

That's a Surprise

Talked and texted with Ken today. He wants to start up a jam band at his house... NO RANDY!. He's got another bass player in mind. 

I'm interested,  but quite shocked.  Apparently,  Ken didn't like Randy's house, cleanliness,  the pot, his rants,and always got sick after practice.  

Ken wants a relaxed practice with softer, easier songs and just take our time and have fun. He says randy went off on the pub owner after their duet gigs, ruining it trying to scalp the guy for big bucks. 

Honestly I'm honored Ken thought of me. So that practice is on Wednesdays and then captain jack on Saturdays. It was tough for me to block both of Randy's profiles.  But I did

Triggers

There are certain events which I wished never happened. 

1980-Don Cerino asking me when I was going to marry Nancy.  I subsequently proposed.

1985- April 1st.  Flirting with the new salad girl.  I didn't conquer her, but that night got head elsewhere,  which enabled the Michelle incident later.

1994-While in California,  I came extremely close to having an affair after drinking in the sun with the front desk girl for the office.  This triggered my spontaneous affair with Michelle starting 2 months later,  and ultimately triggered Nancy's catching us.

1985- Nancy became obsessed with my talking to any girl. She spent money like crazy in the next 4 years,  leading to the bankruptcy and divorce.  Yes, I cheated.  But her obsessed behavior and telling her family caused our divorce as much as anything else. 

1998 - In many ways I wish I never met Marybeth.  Those rendezvous we had lead to about a dozen affairs during the last year of our marriage.  Ultimately it lead to meeting Cheryl. 

1999 - I wish I was stronger so not to have moved in with Cheryl.  ThT lead to 2 years of unhappiness,  divorce and another bankruptcy.  

2005- 1.I wish I never pursued the transfer in death deed. It lead to the 2009 bankruptcy. 

2. I wish we didn't drink so much (Diana and me). I might not have endured her looking elsewhere. 

2008-Cheryl part 2

2014- Although lonely, I wish I'd never have pursued Jude. 

2016- I wish my ego would have dropped the idea of Heather. 

drum sets

1969.... 1957 Ludwig club date

2008... 2007 Tama Starclassic 

2016... Gretch tiny kit

2018... Ddrum electronic kit

2019... PDP Exotic Maple 

2020...PDP Black Pearl 

2021... Tama Imperialstar Black.       Oak 

2021...Tama Starclassic Performer 

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday,  I was still in disbelief over the discovery of a new word... ghosting... and how Lauren handed it to me.  

This morning started weird with a series of messages from Randy about getting back after it with route 95. How Ken had a practice spot in Orrville in his g/f's basement.  Then I messaged Ken a copy of what I sent Randy. 

Hey Ken, it's Eric.  Randy just messaged me about practicing again.  

 I said....Wow. 

It'd be a lot of patience on your guys part. I don't have the left hand power and accuracy i used to. No sense hiding it,  it'll show up during the first song.

Ken's response was time and practice will get it back.

Funny.... I thought they wrote the band, (and me) off. I didn't tell Heather anything about it yet.  

I don't know what to think.  One week Away from an audition for captain jack....

Still questioning Lauren's ghosting though.  What I did read about it was that type of person doesn't do conflict well and would rather disappear. No thought would be given to closure or the other's feelings and could include self esteem and past romantic experiences gone bad. Overall,  it reflects poorly on her. 

I said it before,  she's one screwed up whack job

Ghosted

Last fall, Lauren and I had 3 great dates and multiple weeks of quite enjoyable conversations and reminiscing.  In late November,  an awkward double date with her daughter and future son in law... and then poof. I was told not to contact her anymore. 

Today,  I learned that I was ghosted. The modern day version of disappearing. Reading up on it further,  I discovered that I may have not been perceived as a good fit by her. But what it reveals about her was more damning.  Apparently she lacks the ability to converse about what she perceived as a contrary situation.  

Apparently it is easier for her to disappear than to express herself.  This is a trait recently developed by the techno-isolated generation.  

I'm only down because it means I misjudged someone again.  But it also means that I got wrapped up in the common memories and overlooked her downfalls. 

I'll be more wary in the future.... hopefully 

Harsh Reality

Today started unsettled.  Feeling unstable,  I chose not to drive roadies. The instability lasted into the afternoon,  and I think it was due to the lack of sleep. 

So mymind wandered. Wandered to things I couldn't do in the past. The main theme was drums. All the was back to mom's discouragement of my drumming.  Nancy didn't discourage me as much as she wanted a 9-5 husband and since she disliked my day jobs, I wasn't about to try and gig at nights... especially since 1995. After that she would never leave me alone long enough. 

Cheryl was too insecure about herself and big boobed women to let me even try. The one time I did try, she didn't let me forget about it for weeks.  Too afraid it would be another Dave's planet  with women throwing themselves at me.

Diana thought it was cool i was a drummer,  but we never went out... just got drunk at home all the time. 

Jude was obnoxious and derogatory towards me at every turn.  She was a serious mistake in judgment. 

Now,, after being verbally or emotionally held back most of my life,  I have to fight back into form to play again. 

I've got to get well!!!

busy week

This week, I made more money than ever before driving roadies, $346.00 in one week. Ifi average $250 I'll be happy.  At this rate,  all my bills will be paid by the time I get my refund.  Sheesh. 

This week,  both Dawn and Suzanne were chatterboxes.  Dawn wants to make me a dinner.  Suzanne wants to know if I'm going to impulse this weekend.  

Geez....

I need to sleep

the night before.

8 years ago tomorrow is your angelversary.

It seems longer than that. It seems shorter than that.

The hole that was left has scabbard over and yet scars still pang with an occasional pain.

Your mom's Facebook account went dark, and as your children and brother don't have her as a friend,  I'm guessing that she has joined you and pop. 

I miss you still. 123

Things slowing down

Multiple topics tonight. 

First, with therapy done, I've continued Roadies.  Half are driven by Heather.  She seems to be getting better.  

I'm feeling sluggish again,  as if regressing, post therapy. 

With Rt95 over, no response from Silverback,  I'm full ahead with captain jack. But will my endurance be enough? I can play a bit... 

I sense trouble in the future with Dawn. She definitely wants more than I can give. 

I still have flashbacks from before. 

Diana... innocence of a new and fun relationship 

Jude... I am reminded of black tar... feeling the cold breath of death in my hearts memories

Cheryl... 8th angelversary on Saturday. 

All the fun talks and memories with Lauren... and suddenly the death of a slammed door and frigid static. what a whack job! Almost as bad as Jude. 

The car won't last another year with the mileage being driven... perplexed mixed feelings there. 

I NEED more money 

decisions

While I started doing roadies again, and drums are all paid off, I have a few scattered bills to pay, and poof. Car started acting up.  

I suppose the question is: do I trade in and take a bath on the trade and new payment or do I get repaired for upwards of 2000 and keep my payments as they are?

Tough questions 

Reflection, Reflection, Reflection

Sounds like Marsha, Marsha Marsha! Lol...

This blog HAS been a reflection of my life's path from the onset. But there were several points where the fires in my past grew hottest. Some weren't mentioned for personal security and some were rehashed repeatedly. 

Some if these flash points include:

Dad's heart attack 3/15/68

Kathy Demattie 4/6/74

Cheryl Tidwell 3/27/75

Dad's pulmonary adema/winters of 76 & 77

Nancy 5/16/81

House purchase in 1982

Dad's death 7/20/87

Births of each child

2nd house purchase  1989

The job changes from 1987-2000

Michelle Birinyi 1994- 2000

Divorce #1 / 2nd marriage/ divorce #2 1999-2001 / moving back home

Dianna Ellis 2002-08. Goog AND bad

Quality Title 2000-06 good AND bad

Self employment 

Cheryl's return 2008, and effects other death 2013... still.

The Jude fiasco

The continuing drama of Heather. 

My return to drumming,  Buzzards and route 95.

My stroke 

Enough already! Let's just play the drums!

35 years ago

35 years ago yesterday, Jessica was born, I tiled Kenmore's bathroom and fucked Mick afterwards.  Times were tough income wise but life was much simpler in 1986. I was. 30 and working at colonial penn. I was beginning to become the arrogant son of a bitch that propelled me the next 10 years.  

Now things are on a different life plane than could have been perceived beck then. Both parents and in laws were alive. I felt confident in my life path. In truth,  it had already been fraying and I hadn't even realized it. 

3 more years hence I'd be at cuna mutual,  our house would be for sale and the pressures of sales would be weighing down on me. 

Then the real fraying would begin.  More business trips fractured the marriage with Nancy. Additional flings mounted when I went to ncs, despite being the most successful i ever was. Divorce,  remarriage and divorce followed between 1998 and 2001, along with 2 bankruptcies and a foreclosure.  

By 2004, the 2nd bankruptcy ended and the issue of child support on the forefront.  I took Nancy to court because she lied her ass off, trying to bleed money she wasn't entitled to. 

In 2005, with court cases settled, I paid Nancy off, only owing for the boys. Bill's enthusiasm got to me and the transfer on death deed placed me directly in front of another foreclosure when mom died in 2007. My 2nd Chapter 7 ensued. 

Self employment was great for a time, but I had to shield the car ina Chapter 13 in 2012. Cheryl's death brought a reorganization of a third 13, which rolled in to a 7 right after my retirement in 2018. That tended 20 years of financial problems. 

Today, I began to reminisce about what Mike said 10 years ago... that Greg was beating me at the grandpa game.

That riled me up a bit.  I was shamed out of the family by Nancy, and the kids' loyalties followed.  Nancy's comments even polluted mystery and mom for a while.  Then, my sister's bitterness,  and brother-in-law's partisan bitchiness ultimately drove me away. I doubt any bridge will cross the chasm that developed.

The past 25 of 35 years has painted the blood red road I'm on now. There's no turning back. 

today

Lazy day. No roadie gigs. Instead I waited all morning for this guy Derek to come buy thr tama Imperialstar Black Oak kit. Sold it for $300, which was down from 375 listed.  He was a nice kid,honest kid and grateful to buy it. Since I Was never going to use it,this worked out for all.

April 6th milestone

6 weeks ago I was in the hospital.  Today I am finished with therapy. 

Back doing Roadie gigs, and feeling better about the drums, things are normalizing.  

Need to get stronger and faster on the drums.  Spring has sprung and it feels good.  

Former stomping ground

Today's trip to lakewood for Heather's dentist brought back memories. Over 8 years ago when Cheryl and I came here for bands. It's not any better,  neighborhood wise.

In fact  it makes me realize how much more I like the wide open spaces. 

Speaking of memories,  Today's April 5th. 47 years ago tomorrow I went out with Kathy DeMattie. Not that it means anything...

8 years ago, Cheryl was headed in for her last hospital visit....

20 years ago I was living at moms house and filed for bankruptcy as well as headed for divorce. Funny.... that was a pivot point in my life and I wouldn't have been able to make a change of venue,  job change or life change at that time.  I wasn't emotionally strong enough.  But THAT would have been THE time to do it!

My life has had too much baggage, forever. I've always made decisions based on what other's needed and not what I needed.  I still do. Nearly 40 years of putting others first, with one exception: my first divorce... when I cut and ran. 

All this,  triggered by memories here in lakewood.  

Speaking of lakewood, Bob Perko and I spent many a night drinking and movie visiting here.... funny... simpler times and we didn't even know it.

Round the corner headed for home

I missed my physical therapy today due to Heather's throat ct scan. Did one roadie,  but need to do more.  

Found a lead for a band at band mix. Gonna try again.  It may not happen if I don't regain my strength and balance. Right now I'm driving less than 25% of the time.  Maybe this time progress is slower.

Chatted with randy today. He doesn't blame me for the band's break up. ....maybe???

Who knows? Progress now slows down....