I felt very little

Today's events felt like turning a corner.  

Heather was on her 2nd overnight date this week. This time,  with the new guy, Bob.  I felt very little.  

Went to Cliffside key club to see impulse.  Music was good  but I felt very little. 

Suzanne was there with Skye, and her boyfriend showed up. I felt very little. 

Talked with the band, discussed selling drums. I felt very little. 

Listening to the band,  watching MMA on TV. Felt very little. 

Bottom line... I felt very little  doing everything.  Maybe it's time to turn the page

..

Exhausting week

It's Thursday.  I'm exhausted.  

Tuesday and Wednesday were slow. After a 300 mile Thursday,  I sit at 182. Not very good!

300 may be the tops this week. 

Heather finally started talking to me on Tuesday,  but Wednesday,  after Sallie left, so did Heather... for Berea. She'll return Friday morning after picking up Sallie.  Then Saturday,  she leaves for her new boyfriends weekend of river rafting.  I'll be home with Dot. 

I dropped plenty of fish.  Joined zoosk.  Getting a few contacts but I only Joined for a month.  We'll see 

Moanday

Finished off the work week at $403. That's $1700 for the past 4 weeks.  That's good 

I've figured out how to make things work for now.  Pay rent mud month... pay the entire amount  mid month.  That comes from Huntington.  So does gas and insurance.  Other bills come from friends and family.  It should work out. 

My van has license plates until my birthday 2022. The rogue is being used by Heather.  If push comes to shove, she gets a choice to buy it and get financing on her own.  

I haven't talked to her in over 24 hours.  I don't like her posting stickers on it like she did.  I never devalue a vehicle with stickers... no matter who it is. She pissed me off

it's weird

Last night,  I went to see Morrison Hotel at Cindees in Medina.  I had fun.... and way too much beer. 

I did nothing today. No roadies. No nothing. I was, and still am exhausted.  Heather took Sallie to see escape... the journey tribute band. I wanted to go out. No energy.  Too tired.  

Internet wise, Facebook is boring.  POF is boring.  Everything is boring.  

I feel like a change is going to happen soon.  That deja vu... preview... a preja vu.... if you will. 

A changing of my situation...

A change of what is unknown.  With Heather's new boyfriend,  things could go bad in a hurry. The loose end is no longer the rent. I make enough money to go it alone.  The loose end is the nissan rogue.  9200 is owed on it. 

I can't stress over it now. I'm tired.  

Evaluation

I placed myself on plenty of fish. Its different from before.  Now you have to pay...I did.  4 months worth 

I can't believe I'm getting this many rejections on my hair. 

Doesn't matter i guess.  I'm destined to be alone 

Ken contacted me about jamming again.  Its on!!!

Crazy Life

Today,  I crossed $647 in a week of roadies. Crazy part is, I didn't work Wednesday or Sunday. This will be a record week for quite some time.  It will help pay dome debts.

Crazy part 2...

Heather announced that she is on the Facebook dating site.  Apparently,  she gave up on the guy she met a few weeks ago! I just bailed in time! So I went to POF again and joined as an enhanced member.  I need someone too!

Still reeling from Randy's death. Gonna take time to get over it 

The Blink of an Eye...

 Yesterday morning, I thought I'd check up on Randy's "Stalker Nam" or "Black Ass Coffee" videos. Instead, I saw that he was killed on his bike around 11 AM Friday.

https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cantonrep.com%2Fstory%2Fnews%2F2021%2F07%2F16%2Fmotorist-dies-friday-crash-lincoln-way-w-tuscarawas-township%2F7993782002%2F%3Ffbclid%3DIwAR0QyxLmed-HvkEZ8VevNtBnB5eJLf-A-g8Czb34j16pZ8eRU8jsSaocvEY&h=AT0v_rFW19cCVbWXa1I9jwYxk6wsvg56rkCRY8Sz5m8lf-KgF8lwr31924EAtfeLfVfRpX8N85l0_WK8j1rBgk9ZcPKCUnnKi9fpugY_MQBD99G-XB9GL2cyU0Uw8dh0qOs

I immediately texted Ken Weber. He knew. He said that he'd known Randy since he was a kid, and although they had differences...(pot, Randy's house)... yeah, Randy was gone. He had his ways, never should have taken the bike out on a rainy morning... especially when he now has a car.

I really only knew Randy only a few short months, but in that time, he was always a friend to me. I kind of sensed it would happen, just like Miguel in 1981, when you mix that type of personality and a motorcycle, it's only a matter of time. 

 I went out to Nashville Nights to see tailspin. I liked them but Mark (sound guy) Dawn and her associate, didn't. I showed Dawn about Randy, she said THAT was what Keith Wiley was talking about the night before. She said Keith's losing friends left and right this year. Aren't we all?

  I found out what the post about no band was about. Fillmore East had broken up. In a follow up message to Ron Speck, I found out that FE  got Dan French (Impulse) to drum. I don't remember whether it was Ron or Mark (sound guy) who told me that their guitarist probably gave up and quit. Supposedly, there's a couple of the guys trying to regroup...Anyway, I reminded Mark he needed to do something about next Friday, as Fillmore is scheduled at Nash that night.

Ron was cordial about Randy. I said I'd see him at CinDees with Mo Ho next week.

At least I got Dawn to accept a friend request.,...

Unfinished business

Lately,  I've been flashing back.  To various times in my life. Recently Cheryl has been in my thoughts. We had some good times. That's why I miss her. 

Another visitor to my memory,  Diana.  Also good times. Good memories.  

When I think of Jude,  there's no real pleasant memories, and in thinking of that time, I often find myself getting aggravated.  So nothing was there really.  

When it comes to Heather,  the memories turn to rather a phase. With the 3 guys she's got, I feel like I  must find someone.  But momentary lapses turn to internet sites that are scams really and I pull the plug almost as soon as I make a profile. I'm destined to be alone... and in times of inner strength,  I'm OK with that. 

Funny thing is,  I really don't reminisce about Nancy.  Nor the kids...

Funny thing also,  apparently at least 3 of my kids are vaccinated.  Erica, Jessica and Michael.  Based on the posts on Mike's page

strange day

1. $215. How the hell can I make 60% of a week's pay in one day? I'm fatigued beyond the telling of it, but $215!!!!

2. I joined trumping, a dating site last weekend. Most all responses are from other parts of the country and a few from other countries. Locals view me, no response.  

Perhaps it's best to search in person rather then the web. Most web responses push to meet... and seek long term.

Nope Nope nope 

odds and ends

Heather's new beau is named Eric.  He's 50, semi retired and taller than me. She told me that she was going to investigate going on the pill. She told me that she wants to get a part-time job in September.  She also wants to dump Gary.  That tells me that she wants Gary out... wants to make money,  wants to fuck Eric which makes Randy disposable as well. She said she has to get her book done first...

She also wants to get me a  girlfriend... mentioned match.com.  

In other news.  I've turned the corner on taking nature photos again. Now it's just making time for them 

stay at home weekend

Both Friday and Saturday nights Heather came home after midnight.  It wouldn't have mattered, but Sallie was here. I bought dinner for her and me at subway.  Then drank 5 beers. 

Apparently,  this new guy she's dating is hot stuff. 3rd night in a week she's stayed out... plus Monday night at Randy's. 

I'm completely done with her.  No way going anywhere with her ever again.  

I'll save money and sign over the nissan as soon as it's paid for. 

Then, I have no reason to be here. 

Don't know where I'll go,  but I will!

______________

Sunday update 

She was gone again today... ALL day. Claims she went to Kim's in Cleveland,  but I doubt that this was an all girl weekend. 

But.. none of my business.  Just as when I disappear for 12 hours it's not her business 

Compounding Bad Decisions

2008 - reuniting with Cheryl. 

Lead to the eternal heartbreak I currently endure 

2014/15/16 Jude all the time. Every level One of the worst decisions EVER!

2017-21. To a much lesser extent is Heather.  First being in the midst of a divorce,  then her insane ex andkid. Plus the age gap. Then, 8 months after moving here,  tolerating her request to open up the relationship.  It died that day and she became a sister  

-------------------

Addendum 11:06 pm

Heather had a date with Gary.  An alleged text saying she waS headed to her illustrators came in. I watched a movie. The entire house is now a disaster area as Heather sprawled her mess into the dining room. 

Today, I caught up a bit on my week's income. But I've got 4 days to go. It'll take a lot of work to make 2 car payments a month. 

Today, I closed the door on dawn.  My heart is worth more than an occasional flirtation.  

I'm closing doors in a lot of areas. More when I have it

7/7/21

Slow roadie day. 

Only 1 down to Carrollton for not enough money. 

Rested. Went to Towpath tavern and home. Heather is serious about hooking me up. Threatens to make me a dating profile. 

In addition to Gary and randy,  she met a guy she has a date set up for this weekend.  

All I want is sleep. 

Suzanne invited me to a wedding in August but I declined.  I get lots of messages on trumping, nothing interesting 

I messaged dawn that I have a new phone number.  She saw it but no response.  I'll give her a day and then she's written off

Eye opener

Tonight,  Heather said she wants to fix me up so she can go pursue someone else.  NOT Randy, NOT Gary... she gave out her phone number to a guy on Friday when she went out. 

Meanwhile,  I'm most comfortable at home alone

Different take

I've been on the road a lot. When Heather's home, I prefer to be roadie-ing.  I'm not fond of her coming home from a three day fuck fest,  bragging about sexual exploits. So I stay away as long as I can when she's home. 

But upon her return the past few times.,  she has been  dropping hints about getting me a girlfriend.  WHAT???

weird shit ensues...

Gonna Have to change

Today was a cluster fuck.  In short, the phone cost me $130 to stay with the same service and change numbers.  CLUSTER FUCK!!!!!

This evening I'm angry.  Working so hard that I was too tired to go out. In retrospect,  thats not a complaint,  it's part of the change. 

I'm seldom going out for bands anymore.  It no longer feels like me.  I'd like to get back to nature photos soon.  I felt like I need the inner peace.  

Since Heather has gone so much again,  I'm alone.  She left Wednesday morning thru Friday morning,  then went out Friday night.  Left this morning and won't be back til Monday some time.  

I'm on my own right now. 

Today was the first day I actually contemplated selling my PDP kits. Doesn't sound like I'll ever drum again. 

Change is coming 

Yesterdays

My yesterdays are becoming irrelevant. 

 

Photography 

Drumming 

Clubbing

Camping 

Things I looked forward to; things I couldn't wait to do; things I dreamed about; things I planned half the summer for.....

All memories... insignificant memories. 

Now... I don't have a life,  I have an existence ...paycheck to paycheck,  that which I am earning all alone for the entire household,  while Heather scams and sleeps her way through 

Priorities

Things have changed. 

Two years ago I was busy planning weekend bands to see. Sometimes several stops in a night.  

February 22nd changed all of that. 

--------------

20 months ago I was busy being in or auditioning for,  bands. 

October,  2019... Circling Buzzards 

Lasted until just after covid.

June, 2020... Silverback 

Lasted about a month 

August,  2020 auditioned for Barking Bonze... failed.

December,  2020... Route 95. We were to gig on 3/20. My stroke on 2/22 killed that band.

May, 2021... Muddy River Project.  Gig recovery killed me.

My band future depends on my strength and endurance building up.

-------------

 Now???

Roadies take all my energy. While Heather is still not bringing in money,  its all up to me. 

Recently,  I've begun thinking about selling my drum sets and returning to photography.  Strength and endurance play a part there too.

Time will tell