Decades

When it turned 1960, 1970 and 1980, I lived in North Royalton with my folks.
1990, in Parma with my first ex, Nancy.
2000 with my 2nd ex, Cheryl  in Paris Twp. 2010 back as B/F to Cheryl in Willoughby.
Now, 2020, in Perry Hts Twp  in a part time cohabitation with Heather....

Life g

A review

The years end often brings reflection.

Reflections of the past:
A fling that was like fire and cost me everything;
A second fling with a lover who left me for her cousin;
A second wife who should have been a fling;
A girlfriend who was a keeper, but was too adventurous to be kept, and loved alcohol more than me;
An I'll planned reunion with ex #2 that pulled me down the emotional rabbit hole when she died;
An I'll conceived girlfriend who was also sneaky,  untrustworthy and dishonest;
A follow up girlfriend who is 18 years my junior and unable to revive my sexual prowess.

I have been a fool.
I now realize I was meant to be alone, and not lead with my heart into a relationship.  At least that part will change.

Another Weekend alone

These weekends are getting more frequent.

She goes to her fuck buddy's house. I stay home.
Yet, just last weekend, she flipped out when I went to photograph a show, and when she awoke the next morning, I was gone. I was at work. 5-9 AM. She panicked, thinking I stayed out all night. I should have been so lucky!!

I'm alone in this relationship.
Perhaps it's time I made it permanent.

Christmas reflections

2019 has been all about change.  It started in December of 2018 when I took a job at Giant Eagle.  That lasted until about February of 2019. Lack of sleep was killing me.

I kept afloat with paying photography and cleaning gigs, which lasted through the summer.  Several deciding events occurred. 
1. Heather's more frequent congical visits with her Berea boyfriend killed my feelings for her.
2. I bought a drumset in July,  cymbals in August and auditioned for and was accepted in  a band in November,  with practicing following.
3. The constant policing of Sarah  made heather stronger, finally pressing assault charges after Sarah assaulting her last time.
4. Heather's loss of HER valco job coinciding my  wellness village job, and then months later her getting the insurance gig when I left wellness and went to Menards

Yes, change is all around  me

Another Birthday

64.

Don't feel like it. Sure, some days are achey, some times I stand up too fast and get dizzy, and my drumming isn't what it once was.


However, I am moderately satisfied with my retirement,  and reasonably happy with life, but also I now have a sense that I will again be on my own soon. Can't explain it, but I have ALWAYS sensed when a change is on the horizon,  and I have that feeling again.

Don't know when.... but I suspect that since Heather's  ow going away for weekends, that her meeting his kids will soon follow.  That is when I plan to move.

However, my direction of my employment at Menards will dictate how and where I live.

Research is what I need to do.
Gonna have to put out some feelers...

Living Metamorphosis

Things are changing.

I no longer feel the need to travel all over to see my friend's bands. I no longer need to drink myself into a stupor to have fun. I no longer need to please them, which is good,  and will be discussed later.

I've gone back to drumming.  This was a "fear point" for a long time. I took the plunge and started jamming. It became clear that my confidence was building again. This needs to continue!

I have seen many sides to the move here. The benefits outweigh the negatives.  I've also grown past my sexual disability. Letting go of Heather was the first  step.  Then, stepping forward to speak to other women was the second step. Now, As the women come forward and I've had to deflect one after another. Perhaps one day, I'll find someone to click with.

With children grown, mostly on their own and mutually ignoring me back, I see that I'll be alone again and at peace with my existence.  I suspect I'm halfway through this relationship now, and soon, I shall be alone again. I can't wait for that day.

Change on the horizon?

Today feels like change. Could be the change of the seasons, but I doubt it. It feels like something more on the horizon. I felt this way before, and I've always been right. So perhaps I am poised for a new chapter.

Reflecting on the life I HAD to live

Dichotomy

What I WANTED to do vs what I HAD to do.

At 14, I wanted to be a rocker.
At 16, I had to spit and polish my ways as a bus boy, then waited.
At 29, entering the business world as  a SUIT. It mandated a whole different personality. 
At 31, the Xerox 3 piece suit, PSS world, of business dinners, week long meetings and late meetings.  NOT me.
At almost 37, the Ivory Tower Banking world . Sooo NOT ME! So alone without dad's advice.
At 38, after 2 months of unemployment  - twice in one years time, another UNme move. Inside again, this time wholesale non conforming mortgage.  Better, but still UNme.
At 39, shift back outside.  Non conforming wholesale rep. UNme, but better; more money,  and away from the domestic issues with the beginnings of the collapse of my marriage. 
At 41, less UNme still. Success starts as the collapse of the marriage completes.
At 43, job jumping again to try maintaining the high income necessity.  7 jobs in less than 2 years as non conforming companies collapse repeatedly.  Failure. Moved in with mom after 2nd divorce and 2nd bankruptcy due to loss of income, but found stable work.
At 52, reality sinks in with mom's death. One year into a job that just collapsed with the economy,  I went self Employed,  closing loans. Flexibility got me there. Experience kept me there.
At 53, the harsh reality of E.D. caused the end of the relationship with Diana. I rekindled my love of music, seeing bands. I started to feel the twinges of music again, as well as photography.  I started playing my old drums and refinishing the chrome. While the drum rehab didn't work and I eventually bought a used set, I had Hope's to play again.
I also was fresh out of a relationship at 53 and didn't have plans for another.  Then, Cheryl returned.  At first, she encouraged both my rock and roll as well as photography.  However....
At age 55, she DIDN'T want me to play again, nor did she support my seeking out musicians to jam with. By the end of the first jam, she rebelled so vehemently that I conceded and quit. Within a year, the same thing happened to my photography.  She rebelled so much that she accused me of competing and she wanted me to stop.
By age 55, she'd killed my desires for music playing and photography.  I became both her and Sammy's roadie.
At age 57, she died. There were MANY endings. Within 8 months, I moved and was bankrupt again. 15 months of emotional and monetary pain ensued. I got into and out of debt with the payday loans I started with when Cheryl was alive. I picked up a weekend work at home job and started pulling out of debt.
At 58, still reeling emotionally from all that happened, I launched into dating again.  Met a couple girls, and then got hooked by Jude. At first it was light and fun. By the end of the 3rd month, I started feeling guilty about Cheryl,  and broke it off. Although I was hooked into helping her when she needed rides to and from her pacemaker surgery, I felt I needed to be alone.  That ended with a st Patrick's day date and we were trying again.
At age 59, I had already helped her find and supported her purchase of a house. We tore it apart prior to the move in together in September.  By November that good old E.D. had us in separate bedrooms. 
My 60th birthday was a double edged sword.  She and Vickie Meany had engineered a party for me at Barbarinos, but I didn't know for 3/4 of a year later that she had made friends with my future replacement on my birthday.  Later that year, after 9 months of a decaying relationship,  she announced she was going on a date and I shouldn't wait up. Two days later,  she came home. During the last 3 months of my time there, she was home a total of 2 weeks. She even moved her cat out during that time. 
At age 61, I had moved again and wasn't really interested in a relationship.  Around the same time I was moving,  Heather made her move. I was to be her vehicle for divorce. 
At age 62, I willingly left North Royalton for the more tranquil Perry Hts Twp.  I retired 3 months later.  In the two years since, my photography has exploded and I've purchased and sold 2 more drum sets,  finally getting a NEW one this last summer.
At age almost 64, after months of practice,  I am poised to jam again. I'm also poised on the embarkation of another move... as the experiment with Heather's bearing an end. 8 months ago, she sat crying on the couch, begging to go find a side guy, so she declared our relationship OPENED UP. I'm no longer intimate with her. I've found a part time job and today she declared that after she gets her job, I'm free to live elsewhere.
At this time, I have no plans for any more relationships again...

Learning a hard lesson

KEEP TO YOURSELF!!!

So often,  I open my mouth and insert about half a dozen feet.

I go to a place like Nashville nights and offer up an opinion,  or day someone looks nice....Suddenly,  I'm being stalked by someone I don't care for, or driving people away with my opinions.  

I have no leg to stand on or anything... but I offer up an opinion... me and my damn big mouth. Will I ever learn??

Polarization

It could be political,  but this time it's not.  

It could be religious,  but again, it's not. 

It's personal.  My relationship with Heather is dead. No more affection,  hasn't been any sex since she opened it up to others. We've polarized.  I'd rather be alone than with her in the room. We have nothing to talk about any more. We've outgrown each other.

Three years ago,  I was moving to a new apartment and was uninterested in a relationship.  By the end of October,  she had tried to convince me I wasn't impotent,  and I spent 2 hotel bills before the apartment was ready. 

I didn't need all the stress and drama in my life. HER stress and drama associated with her kids, divorce and inability to hold a job. Now, at the end of this relationship I realized my purpose in life. I'm a fixer.

I fixed things and helped around the house when dad was alive. That continued throughout mom's life as well.  My 20 years of relationship with Nancy was to have kids, and help Jim and Ethel.

When lust interfered and my direction changed, I was a bridge between husbands for Cheryl.  But loyalty to my kids was stronger and that portion of isolation ended quickly.  

At this point, I needed to help mom again. This would last for the remainder of her life. Then, the disposal of the house.  However,  my life overlapped with Diana's  and I helped her get a house, fix up a house, get a dog, get a back yard paradise  including a privacy fence,  huge pond and drainage.

When E.D. came, the relationship faded and I learned that for some women,  sex is everything.  I hadn't been alone but 4 months when Cheryl returned. 

Cheryl's return would be for the remainder of her life.  I was there for her divorce,  her moving into her own place,  her moving again, and again; her job/career change which started her down her final path, and her last hospitalization stays. That was a tough time...

A year and a half later,  I was looking for something new in my life.  Although I was interested in Cheri, she was too close to Cheryl and ran away.  I rebounded to Jude.  

Enter the worst relationship in my life. We fought about everything.  However,  my involvement still helped her get a house she liked. That, however also drove us apart with the E.D. 

Within a month and a half,  we were in separate rooms,  and it spiraled down from there. I moved out a year later, and six months following my help after her surgery. 

I had secured an apartment and was waiting for it's completion.  Jude had long since vacated the house for Jamie while I waited. That's around the time I was ripe for some revenge and wide open to the hope that a much younger person would cure my E.D. I was mistaken. 

For 80 percent of my life,  I have been helping others. Maybe it's time for me.....

A different time..

In what has been a bit of a whirlwind,  things have evolved and escalated. 

Heather's child support was eliminated as of 10/1 and equal parenting time was granted.  Although her ex remains custodial,  it's in terminology only. Victory for her.

At the very end of the hearing time, she left valco. Was being laid off anyways due to lack of work. She applied for unemployment,  food stamps and Medicaid,  and it appears they may go through.   Also, she's been applying for jobs everywhere,  as we are about to kill each other. 

She went to Randy's and he couldn't perform.  She's worried about him. Cried a bit... so, she fell for him. I foresee an end in the near future and am ok with that. Tonight,  she said that she's seeing that no matter what, I'm never gonna be happy. Fine, ...leave.

Sarah's off abilify and on something else that doesn't make her sleepy. I've been avoiding her. 

I'm looking for a township nearby..

 Maybe Clinton township,  to rent, as it's closer to Cleveland,  but outside RITA and Echeck. 

That's all for now

Living Time Capsule

I've done a lot of posting here over the years.

The forthcoming reunion is on the horizon. This always brings back memories, thoughts of lost classmates, and realizations that this could be the last time I see someone from them.

But I chose not to attend, again. Why?

I chose not to attend the 10th due to economics and shame. I was a lowly waiter in a restaurant. I job I had not strayed very far from since high school. I had done nothing to be proud of. I had not attended a spring break, not become some millionaire tycoon or held an advanced degree in academia. In my eyes, I was nobody. Looking back, I now realize I was in a sea of nobodies, trying to be something I was not, longing to appear to be something or someone grand.

10 years later, it was 1994. A last minute call from either Laura Wiitanen or Deb Carlson brought me to the Friday night event where I had a blast and pursued the Saturday night event with my then wife, Nancy. I was a mere loan officer in a shaky job, attempting to appear to be something I wasn't. I'd made no fortune, had no grand life experiences and had several conversations with friends that shifted my opinion of the reunion experience. Now, it was all about recapturing my youth. We also attended the 21st impromptu party and it was there I noticed Deb and Mark Karras had gotten together. 

Nine years later, I upped for Reunion Committee duty and thought it would enhance the fun. It didn't, but I stuck it out. I wanted to quit when I thought my opinions would cause problems. The very people I had problems with talked me into staying. In turn, later, they stopped attending the meetings and were rude at the reunion. We had an after reunion campfire, and even kept in touch for a while, but that soon subsided.

Then came the 40th in 2014. I found out Deb had been ousted as Treasurer. Mark was no longer interested and Deb, hurt by her turncoat sister in law Laura's actions, wasn't either. I opted out and didn't attend.

The same is now looming this year. It's brought more reflections.
Despite growing older, few have actually grown UP. The cheerleader like cliques of high school have remained. The strong distaste I had for those people then, returned. I realized WHY I never joined many things back then. Simply put, I don't NEED them to enhance my self esteem. I've always been fine on my own, and often prefer it.

In short, give me my tree house... or better still MUSIC over a drunken frat party. And THAT's what it all boiled down to. While they were building floats, I was at band practice.

Nah, I'll not be attending the reunion. I'll keep my flag, and my 30th reunion memories and walk away. I had thought seriously about going to the bar, like a fly on the wall at their party site. But... WHY?  It's at the Middleburg Brew Garden. That's not necessarily an establishment that has live music... especially at the end of October. PLUS, that's the weekend before Halloween. I could conceivably have a photo gig that night. DIRT had originally thought of having us shoot their show at the sly fox that night. 

Nah... I'm done

Realizations

Life is still teaching me lessons.

Things don't change. You change them.

People don't change and you can't make them unless they want to.

When it comes to debilitating emotional problems,  humanity still does not have the capacity to deal with them. Drugs, therapy and other alternatives may not help. In the case of one 14 year old girl, people are now afraid of her. Perhaps it's time to institutionalize her.

Labor day weekend

Friday at noon.
Plans change.

I was going to go take pictures. Started watching Harry Potter instead. Chamber of Secrets.... specifically. 

Memories have been ignited.  Her laughter at Ron Weasley's lines... her smile... her enjoyment of her favorite movies and shows. Sometimes,  such as this, I miss Diana. Retrospectively speaking,  she may have been "the one". I did love her so...

Disdain

I understand the need to expand friends lists on Facebook when you utilize it for business. I have no problem with that when you're using facebook posts to market yourself.

But snagging "friends" to stalk someone else's posts, or requesting friends from another's friends list, especially  those you've never met, or bands you don't like borders on neurotic.  The accumulation of the maximum number of friends isn't a race. No one wins.

It has become increasingly irritating that she'll snag my new friends immediately after I started contacting them for business. I found people on her friends list, and even those she claims she doesn't like.... why have them as friends?

Over the past several months, I have been downsizing my mutual friends, deleting those I don't know over an hour away. I'm down to almost 60% of what I had and specifically targeting mutual friends, since I want to diminish the commonalities between us.

It's the first step in my divestiture and liberation

The monarchy

Over the past year, I have grown increasingly interested in the British Monarchy,  it's roots, it's relative's. Monarchies in Germany and Russia, and history's path.

Romanoffs executed; Kaiser Wilhelm, disregarded. The British Monarchy almost irrelevant...  ...to the point where they no longer rule, but as a figurehead, a periodical folly. Sad really, how a one-time institution would erode into mediocrity.

Busiest time in a long time.

The last 2 weekends I've had 4 photography gigs. 3 bands and one senior pictures.  Next weekend there's another band gig. Then one weekend off. Then 3 more weekend photo gigs. All in all, that's more than I've had in years. PLUS cleanings. We also ha e a real estate photography gig for  a couple apartments  in the coming week.

Busy time also for apartments.
Gotta get while the getting is good

Another night alone...

What has become a weekly occurrence,  even more when she's given a  chance, she is spending the night at his place again.

Meanwhile,  I do laundry, shopping and home duties after a whirlwind of 3 weeks of apartment cleaning and photography.

I'm tired.

And to further the drama, I am subjected to her and her daughter's tirades about the kid's lesbianism fantasies with the same girl who rejected her last year. She still follows her, bothers her, bothers others by touching them... despite the school's no contact order carried over from the middle school. 

And on top of that, a court date about a week and a half away.... process server now to be sent as the registered mail was ignored. 

Xanax anyone? Shit's about to get real. Sarah will absolutely become unhinged when confronted with the whole Ariel fantasy. Mike will become unglued. Sallie will go into hiding and Marlene is banished again.

Gonna be  a shitstorm couple weeks!

Best Revenge

I see all these Facebook memes regarding revenge for a cheating ex.

I suspect my revenge has already been played.  Why? The same little birdie who first chirped about Jude's departure  later sang again when she dumped Jamie.  Two weeks later, she chirped again stating Jude found a new guy, and another two weeks when their engagement was made public.

But all that chirping wasn't the dead giveaway.

It was our first Christmas here. Heather received a very lengthy PM from Jude wanting to contact me. Allegedly, I'd left things behind...??? I refused and then two weeks later chirpy bird PMs about the break up with Jamie.  Heather was worried Jude was trying to get me back.

I am a slow learner at certain things.  Perhaps I just needed space to distance myself from her as well as the event. But now, that's exactly what I think happened.

My silence, coupled with no reaction whatsoever was exactly what was needed at that time, and how i hope i w Bruggemeier all play my cards from here, on.

Well played...

Visiting the past

I've heard it said, that when you go places that you went to when your partner was alive, it says if there with you in spirit. Today's visit to Cuyahoga Valley National Park was a bit different. It seems that her presence is no longer here. It's as if enough time has elapsed, and she's moved on. I don't know that that's true however I didn't sense her presence here today.

Some people say that your mind gets busy as you return to Everyday Life, you return to normalcy if you will. If that is possible as my life has changed then perhaps I've turned the corner. However, six and a half years out, I used to still feel her presence. But not today...

Well now...

That job I referred to earlier, never transpired.  I suspect age again.  No matter.

We are now entering the second week in waiting on Heather's modification.  Time moves slowly right now. Last Saturday was an exercise in driving.  14 hours on the road bringing Sallie back from Green Bank observatory.  What a trek.

I'm currently immersed in a marathon 3 apartment cleaning, with back to back weekend photo shoots. In this time frame I'll supplement $625 to our income. That's a month and a half at Giant Eagle!

There are increased publications from the reunion committee on the late October gathering for the 45th. Hmmm...

My mind has been otherwise occupied with money... bills...  drumming... Heather's escapade... Heather's modification... lots of uncertainty to say the least.

Time will tell in all things...

Update

For the 3rd night in a week, I'm alone.
Last Sunday and Monday nights  and last night (also Sunday). It averages 2 nights a week now she's with him.

Today, I start a part time job. I hope it lasts at least 6 months. I need to pay off my bills. I also need to stash away some saved cash.

November approaches marking the 2nd anniversary of moving here. By that time I'll  need to have the drums paid off and credit cards paid, plus be better rehearsed up. Then maybe I can join a band and bring in extra cash.

I hope I'm going to find an affordable place for myself and get moved. I'd rather  live alone than with someone who fucks another  man.  I'm worth more than that.

Transitions

July 4th's discoveries and the conversations afterwards lead to one final revelation: He's the paralegal who's been assisting her. I laughed out loud when I heard that.

Following a weekend of her basically crying in bed, my spending as much time away as possible, and girls elsewhere even though it was her weekend, we're now staring down the barrel of the Blues Cruise.

We had two weeks of intense cleanings of 2 houses and 2 apartments. Heather's trying to build up the house cleaning business and my mind is now on the statement by Terry that he's looking for a full time drummer for the T-Dog 3. Mentally, I am ready. I still need songs to practice, but for the first time in a long time, I am committed.

On the home front, things are weird. I suspected she would develop feelings for Randy as the physical gratification ensued. I suspect last weekend's bed cry was part of it. Although Heather also said she had another big row with Sarah. Perhaps... but there's more...

Heather has let slip that Randy, being an accomplished author himself, is going to assist Heather in getting her books published. He's supposedly taking Heather to California in September to meet with a publisher. Surprisingly, I am no longer Jealous. I can use that time to get my affairs in gear and find a place to live, as I think my time here is coming to a rapid end. More when I have it.

July 4th - a day for discovery

A bit of background...

As mentioned previously, Heather's been making noise for six months about her need for sexual release.
I listened to her complaints, and then listened to her sexploits.

I listened and listened.
Her guilty feelings eventually betrayed her. Using the facts I pieced together by listening  to the fragmented facts she did reveal, I found Randy Nygeris (close to his last name's spelling), of Berea, OH.

I didn't want to know. Now I am quite sure. The final bit of info, just today was about his Phone. He posted verbatim on his page just days ago, and I found traces of Heather's likes and responses on his page, including a very recent reference to a baseball game attended.

She wanted to talk this evening
 I kept saying I don't want to know, or hear anything. She persisted, so I  told her how this has impacted my life:
1. It now limits where I can go take photos.
2. It now limits which bands I can see and where. He and I have multiple overlapping friends.

She said it doesn't matter. No one knows. If I  was able to put two and two together, others will too. I don't want to face another public outing like with Peg or Vicky when Jude went public with Jaime.

I know his name, where he's from and i know who his friends are. Some are VERY GOOD FRIENDS of mine.

While I'm quite proud of my powers of deduction, I'm also realizing the limits now placed on me.

When I revealed my findings, she finally revealed herself. Last week, she broke down and cried. It wasn't for me as she feigned, and neither was tonight's tears.  In 3 different instances, she's shown she's developed feelings for him. Both times crying and when, in her bragging, she stated he better NOT be screwing someone else!

Her abilities to cover are getting more and more frail. And honestly, I'm beyond jealous. I wouldn't want her back sexually now at all. That opportunity is now gone.

God, I hate the idea of moving those albums again....

How the hell did this happen?

1998: I was a hoe.
Simply put, I used theGlobe chat rooms as a way to get laid....  ... a LOT.

10 years later, having tripled my "notches" in my headboard, I was  dealt death blow to my libido. E D. had crept in. I thought it was due to the volumes of  alcohol Diana and  I  were drinking. And at first, it may have been.

Diana, however, was a roamer, and was on track to spread her wings again. By September, I was alone and roaming, myself. It didn't matter. I couldn't get it up for the class of swine I had been swilling.

The return of Cheryl brought my libido back for a while, but her sickness took over and we were cut short. I think that end also ended my sexuality.

The resulting trolls were just that... trolls. Jude should  have  never happened. She was a complete meltdown of anything resembling sanity. Her abrupt change of heart indicated she needed sex I couldn't give. Still, her usury of my emotions left another scar.

I should have remained single. I know that now. Heather's subsequent pursuit of me was more flattering than real. Her being born the year I graduated was a big ego boost, even though I never had the ability to follow through.

Ironically, the last two were told about my sexual inadequacy ahead of time. They were warned. In retrospect, it started with Diana in about 2006, and one of her reasons for trolling was lack of intimacy. Jude trolled as well. All the while she was planning my 60th birthday party, she was trolling, and in fact made friends with the guy she left me for on that very birthday.

Heather had been making noises about sex with others as far back as a year ago. Had I stood my ground and not gotten involved, I'd not be alone so many nights now.... I wouldn't  have a relationship to be alone in.

So, this is karma, huh? I suspect they too, will be paid a karmatric visit some day as well...

50 Years

Watched a documentary  named Apollo 11. It opened the childhood  floodgates. When I was a kid, I was completely enthralled with the space program. I belonged to the Science  Club of America and received monthly magazines, models to build and all sorts of goodies. I was into model rocketry and had about a dozen rockets, two launchers, engines and the like. I belonged to the Science Fiction  Book Club, and of course, watched Star Trek.
Then, POOF! The space program ended.

Although I  had started  drum lessons in 1968, drumming took center stage and science took a back seat. For a brief hour and a half today, I was 12 again and everything  seemed possible.

Now I have  to  go  back  to  being a fucking grown up, with all the  stress, guilt and regrets. But for a brief  hour and a  half today, I was  a  kid  again. Sure felt wonderful.

Another Vivid Dream

Telemarketing.

I've ALWAYS hated it.
Just awoke from a dream, nightmare, where I worked for an insurance company...
The leads had dried up.
lists of names were handed down. We were expected to make phone calls.
$700 in premium per day was our goal.

Guys, all around me in 3 piece suits. None were calling.
I looked several times at my list.
Looked to my left, I had 3 trainees blinking wide eyed at me,m waiting for me to start training them, all the while I had thoughts of walking out.

Dredging

The mind can be a not so funny thing.
Last night, i had a vivid dream. Not odd for me as many of my dreams are vivid. But this one was straight out of left field.

I was back with a former employer as if I'd never left, being my boss's lieutenant. In regards to my work relationship, i often took calls at home and did an enormous amount of work on my time.

This time was no different, I was taking  instructions, performing tasks as if I never left 13 years ago. Yet everyone knew i did, including his wife, the company President. I felt both the stress and duress of all so many years ago.

Its all so strange, even though in my dream I knew it wasn't reality. Very odd!

Changes...

Last Saturday marked a change in direction in my life. I drove to Guitar Center in North Olmsted and used my pre approval to buy a brand new drum set. Pacific Drums, a division of DW.

I also bought a pedal and boom stand on line. Now, i must pay it off to use it to buy a set of cymbals. But I've started again! Now to practice daily. Dot doesn't like it.

I'm also thinking about part time work. Cleaning apartments is great, but not steady. I need a steady, stable part time income....

What was...

15 years ago today, a new relationship started. It was - for the most part- good for the first 3 years.

After the death of my libido, it died. What wondrous times they were. But i was happy once....

______________________

Flash forward to 2014.
Cheryl was gone for 15 months.
I was lonely and thought I'd try again.
I was wrong and broke it off, only to give it a second try on her on 3/17/15. Big mistake.
Importance took over and within 8 months she was already going through the break up scenarios. 8 months!! All due to my importance.
______________________

2016
Rebounding from my worst nightmare, Heather stalked me down. I must admit, I was flattered by the age difference.

Two and a half years later, reality slaps back. Unable to sexually satisfy her, she sought sex outside. Today marks the 3rd overnight with an outside lover. Her whole argument is its just sex, not kissing.

Ive decided it's time....

Again a change

March 31, 2019. The last night I slept in the king size bed. April 1st, I bought a single twin bed for the office, and moved the other computer out.

She claims to be happy having her own room now. Let us hope that it staves off further issues

Signs

Somewhere between 2009 and 2010, while I still had a one bedroom apartment in Pine Forest, I got my first sign. Cheryl's electric was cut off at the precise time she was at a divorce hearing. I remember this because the power was cut while I was in the condo.

I should have recognised that there was an issue, but she was always good at hiding things. That was an awakening moment.... a $1600 past due electric bill. That equates to about 8 months (maybe more) of unpaid electricity. She simply ignored it. The same thing later happened to the cable. 

This "sign" was not new. She did the same thing back in Paris Twp, however, her parents owned the property and repeatedly bailed her out. Cheryl was NOT a conscientious bill payer. She would rather spend money on cameras and equipment then pay her bills. 

That trend later surfaced again. In 2011 and 12, she was forced to have me take over the bills because she couldn't get any utility in her name: Not cable, not electric, not cell phone. Eventually, I carried the financial ball and my apartment in North Royalton was foregone, due to those expenses in 2010. By June of 2012, she was sidelined from work due to a bladder infection and by August, her doctors disabled her. 

Her car was next. Once, in the evening, late in 2012, came a knock at the door. She sat upstairs, denying any problems but also said DON'T ANSWER IT!!! "It" being of course, a repo man. She was defiantly denying any problem and I had to tell her about my current chapter 13 BK, and how it saved my car... but also how she could save hers. She eventually conceded and let me give the tow truck man a business card for my BK attorney, stating she just filed bankruptcy and was therefore protected. She followed through meeting him, and borrowed the money for his fee from Kristin, Chris' girlfriend. She was paid back by the second (and final) social security check Cheryl received in April. 

Throughout Cheryl's life, she ignored bills, lending laws and even divorce paperwork, unless it suited her needs. (even cashed a tax refund of her ex back in 2000), which should have been my awakening even back then! Those lessons learned back then are the reason I won't utilize joint credit with Heather, who demonstrates similar tendencies, (ie School Loans). 

“How did it get so late so soon?” ― Dr. Seuss

Time is constant.
Perception is not.

I once believed I'd never make it to 40.
I was wrong.
Time proved that.

I once believed my grandfather was old and I'd never see that day.
I was wrong.
Time proved that.

I once believed I could control things in my life.
I was wrong.
Time Proved that.

Bottom line: I was wrong. I was flawed.
Time was not.

_____________________________________________

I once believed I would make a great deal of money in my life.
I once believed I would be a great drummer.
I once believed I would own my parents home and live there the rest of my days.

POOF
Half a century later..
I made good money for a couple years
I was able to sight read my drum lessons and yet too timid to venture forth beyond the garage...
I briefly owned my parents home, and due to my own ignorance and arrogance, lost it.

_______________________________________________

I once believed in the accumulation of things... that things would make me happy.
Records; cars; antique German beer steins; Books; Drum Sets; even cameras.

All that remains of my former life are records and cameras. I've often questioned the keeping of my record collection. I don't listen to them any more....

_______________________________________________

As TIME moves on, I am beginning to see that 40 was the tipping point.
I was in a new job that I was just learning. It wasn't yet my money making career, and I had a ways to go before I learned the value of being an account executive in the lending industry. It would be a couple more years, but the worst was behind me.... or so I thought.
I had just been busted by my ex for my infidelity. Her relentless digging and prodding divided us further. Her vindictiveness closed the door on us.
My mom was beginning to show her mental frailty and thus become a greater portion of my free time in the next dozen years.

My life was being shaped.

________________________________________________

Time was the ultimate teacher.

At the age of 60, it started to come into focus.
The first 12 years were childhood.
I became the man of the house at age 12 when dad had his heart attacks. from 1968 - 87, I was dad's "helper". Even long after I got married and moved out.

Upon Dad's death, I helped mom. First with the will and insurance.
I helped mom refinance when she accumulated $40K in credit card debt (1996). Mortgage now $60K.
I helped mom get her oxygen. I helped mom refinance onto a reverse mortgage (2002) when she had another $70,000 in Credit card debt to add to her mortgage balance and thusly make the house more affordable. (No house payments). For the last 5 years, she struggled further. She loved her charge accounts.

I helped Nancy get her dream home... constantly remodeling. More furniture...more home improvements... more "toys", fancy cars... baubles of every nature...

I helped Cheryl with her farm until our hasty marriage derailed.

I helped Diana buy a house, improve the house, attain her enclosed privacy fence, refinance her house, dug her pond, rewired her house, installed her dishwasher;

I helped Cheryl again find a condo; find a second condo; find a third condo; rewire one condo; launch a photography business.

I helped Jude get her house; work on her house; refinish all the hard wood in the house; was her nurse after both her surgeries; even in introducing her to my replacement.

I've helped Heather get her house; begin the process of getting her kids back.

Time taught me that I am a flawed person and everyone's "helper".