end of 2021 thoughts

The end is a lot closer than the beginning.  Probably within the next 20 years,  but more certainly within the next 10.

I'm not going to play football,  basketball or baseball again.  Most likely never going to climb a tree or a ladder.  May not even have the strength and endurance to gig again.  Not selling the drums though. 

I certainly don't have the balance to shoot photography again.  Balance just isn't there.  

I keep active by working,  driving the tires. Money's good and driving is less. If I can squeeze out 2 or 3 more years,  I should clear out the bills and maybe the cars.

I  no longer seem willing to move. I certainly won't be able to buy a home.  So, rent it is. Heather's already made plans to move in with Randy if anything happens to me. 

This kids are on their own,  without me. My sisters wouldn't make an effort to check on me after the stroke.  So those doors are closed.

The final chapter is scripted out. Now all that's required is a plot twist In the final pages. Time is the final element.  That is never a given. But if I've got 10 years,  I could gig again.  

Today's flashbacks 12/29/21

I started out flashing back to 2014-16.... Jude.

As if I'd find myself in a situation where I was forced to talk with her.
Yet, there I was, being civil.

Still, in my flashback, I knew it wasn't real, so I didn't feel threatened. Despite her being polar opposite of everything I ever stood for, I somehow knew she couldn't hurt me... or perhaps more likely, it wasn't real.

But then, I've had a lot of flashbacks lately. Virtually ALL of the east side crew... who never really knew me... just pitied me as Cheryl's widower. Virtually every one of the planet members and crew have been in my thoughts/flashbacks... but not for photography... but rather, how much I've changed. There never really was a lot in common with that crowd... just being known for taking their photos... which died off when I moved. 

For about 2 years now, the year 2014 has flashed into my head from time to time. May 16, 2014... barely, 14 months after Cheryl.. all the signals were pointing to Cheri E. (can't remember her last name). I flirted very heavily with her that night, even kissed her goodnight in a big way. We spoke on the phone several times after that... Meany's were telling me she wants to date me... green lights all over. POOF. gone.

It wasn't until the SGC gig after Linda Sheppard's death that she and I even talked, and that was after she was engaged to Horvath. Knowing what I know now... it wouldn't have worked... but it opened the door to Jude... the biggest mistake of my dating life.

Then, as of late... reflections of Lauren. Why was I ghosted? Did I get too friendly?  I felt that way because she said we'd have a STTNG Marathon weekend... and other things she said. But she wanted me to go away... no more contact and she got it! Maybe one day I'll understand,....

That's enough flashbacks. This is getting depressing.

But wait! THERE'S MORE!

Dawn.
I've made an ass of myself over her far too often. I think it's time I just be a barstool slug.

Don't look up

Tonight,  I started watching the Netflix movie Don't Look Up, as recommended by Theresa Rockface on WRQK rock 107.9.

I didn't get through half the film.

It was a terrible doomsday flick about a pair of scientists discovering a planet killing comet destined for earth. 

The story's premise might have held my interest,  but the substory of social media/ media was too view/Facebook-ish, filled with selfie- starved,  phoney social characters to hold my interest.  

If it was to be a commentary on social media divas, it succeeded.  Then I realized why Theresa Rockface loved it. She's a social media whore herself. 

Gone are the DJs I admired.Bill Lewis is retiring at the end of the week after 34 years, as did Tim Doroghty and Jeff Kinzbach.  TK and Michael Stanley died. But this new superficial breed... Spatz and Amanda,  Theresa Rockface,  Stansbury,  etc.... are all just superficial social media where's.

THAT'S what the movie Don't Look Up was filled with.  It's not that they were all gonna die. It's how good they looked doing it. Everything in that flick was about social spin.

THAT'S why I stopped watching it. There was nothing of value... no meat, all fat... no substance, all frosting.  Just like Farcebook,  Instagram and the others.... the "how does my selfie look today?" Crowd.... which I have NOTHING in common with 

flashbacks again

After a dream involving Bill Eyerdam and corporate undertakings like were at QTA/ESS 20 years ago,  I have since had Lauren flashbacks again.

QTA/ESS flashbacks are normal just as Cerino's and CUNA mutual ones were.  Lauren flashbacks are a bit out of the ordinary.  At first,  she was all for lunches and dinners. She was the one who ran with the idea of STTNG marathons.  Why then, did she suddenly ice over and ghost me? 

No matter.  It wasn't meant to be. 

I don't venture north of route 18 anyway.  

Different track.

Christmas,  I blocked all relatives except Linda, Lisa and Del. My kids have no desire to contact me anymore anyhow,  so to hell with them.

Impulse is at Nashville Nights on 1-1-22 and I'm going.  Dawn can go flirt elsewhere. Apparently,  I'm the last person to know that I am through with her.

A different type of change is in my future.  For example,  today I heard Heather say that if anything happens to me she's already discussed and agreed to move in with Randy.  She's not so hot on Bob now. Likes the looser relationship situation with Randy,  where each of them can go play with others if they want to. 

More van repairs today.  Gotta make more money now to pay the 1642 I owe credit cards on all the van work 

changes

With plans to edit my Facebook name and persona after the first of the year, complicated by my own impotence in communication skills with Dawn,  I hastened the changes after my kids very much snubbed me this Christmas.  

Blocked are Erica,  Jessica and Mike, along with Joyce and Gary.  Dropped is Brandon.  Name changed to Eric TheRecluse. Header and profile pic changed.

New years resolutions arrived a week early

Christmas eve reflections

It's 8pm. I'm in bed after a lengthy,  rather uneventful day. 

I heard back from dawn.  She said not to overthink my drunken blathering. In other words,  cool your jets, I'm not interested I you that way. 

My kids are no longer my kids. They're filthy liberals. Time to change my will before I get signatures on it.  

Jessica will be made executor in charge of disbursement.  Heather gets the nissan rogue and the camera equipment. 

After January 1st, all family gets blocked if nothing else changes.  My Facebook name will also be changed to E. Rocker and that will eliminate contact from almost everyone knowing me as E.B.Williams.  

Things are going to get changed rapidly soon. Things are not going to be status quo. 

Reevaluation

The past couple days have been... well... contemplative. 

Long talk (2 hours) with Dawn. Monday.  Nice. I could get drunk with her.  Then we'll see...

Today... call from Michelle.  Time's passed but nothing's changed.  She's still the poor me, system working cripple who smokes both cigarettes and dope.  Pontificate how others are addicted or users or thieves... almost jealous of someone who may have worked and sacrificed to get where they are at. No future there. 

Better future with Dawn'.

Hindsight

I now know a few things about 2007.

I should have stayed at the first Pine Forest apartment.  It was big enough to keep all my possessions,  including the dining room table,  buffet,  room divider and lamps. Further,  a year later,  when I left Diana,  I should have  NOT gotten involved with Cheryl again.  

I really should have taken some time to discover me. Of course I never would have known most of my Facebook friends either,  but that's the trade off I chose. 

Janet Brickhouse

Heather had a boudoir shoot with some girl she's known for a long time: Janet Brickhouse. 

I could fall for her. She's gorgeous.  But there are two things: 1. Our agreement.  Not dating each other's friends.  2. She's just out of a 12 year relationship.  I think she's rediscovering herself, and it's exciting for her... not  to mention all the attention she's getting.  

She's a fellow sagittarius,  so we'd be fire together.  But she's on the way up in her life. I'm on the way down. Just like "a star is born's" premise: A highly successful entertainer meets a young woman just starting out in the biz. They fall madly in love. Then, as her career begins to eclipse his, he spirals into addiction-fueled despair. Eventually, he dies, ...

12.16.21

Truck in for repairs.  Did 3 morning roadies with Heather.  Then 2 tire deliveries on my own to bring the week up to 504++. 454 net.

Truck cost 1411. Put on credit cards. Don't think the personal loan will come through. 

Doesn't matter. 

Facebook dating isn't getting anywhere AGAIN!. I'm not liking the prospects and my opinions are too strong.  Oh well. 

Back at it tomorrow in my newly rebuilt van

12/15/21

Van will need some front end work.  1900+ on the credit cards. It's worth it though.  

Facebook dating app is kind of a let down.  Time will tell. 

Heather is pissed at Bob for making friends with her last sexy photo client and stayed home tonight.  

Houston, we have a problem

12/12/21

My issues post stroke continue. 

I tire. Constantly fatigued.  Balance impared. Just constantly outta gas is a great description. 

12/14/21

Still fatigued.  Busy driving making over 100 dollars a day.  Still have talking problems.... short of breath and unable to project my voice. 

121221

Stepped away from fascistbook for my birthday.  Nothing happened,  except here. Linda and Lisa texted.  So did Jessica.  Nothing from Erica, Michael or James  (ever).

When I came back to fascistbook,  SSDD.  Political,  Hollywood bullshit. No friends.  Makes leaving fascistbook all the easier 

the tide has turned

I learned a hard lesson tonight about missed opportunities.  Dawn was professionally distant. Anita was drunk and funny, but distant.

Tonight was Bronx County and although half the band is friends and the other half friendly,  I was just a face in the crowd. 

Soon, I expect that will be true everywhere.  Just an anonymous crowd member. If my plan goes the way I hope it will. 

Meanwhile,  I'll be 66 tomorrow.  No way I'll ever pay off a mortgage if I ever get one.  Time has come to face facts that I am nobody and it's never gonna be more perfect to dissappear 

A funny thing happened while driving today

As I drive my deliveries,  my mind often roams. Today's mental meandering consisted of memories of last October and November when I was seeing Lauren. 

How might the conversation go had I bumped into her now? I could see reluctant conversation,  answers that push her away, and I found myself saying out loud to myself,  "No-No-No!"

In the end, I forced myself to change the subject 

I'm tired of a lot of stuff

I'm tired of BAD MEMORIES of people.  

Nancy's brainwashing the kids and family... even Lisa. 

Everything Jude 

Bad vibes from Sammy towards the end. 

Bill and Debbie Eyerdam's scorching comments as they were heard and felt through others comments. 

Pretty much everything Gary Orloski

Snide comments from all the Mitchell clan since 1998.

Erica's negative narratives

Michael's competition comments 

Kirk's childish comments that caused the rift.

Linda's comments questioning why I don't come over. 

Lisa's political comments and bitter nuances are reminiscence of mom

Mom's jealousy,  negative comments and bitterness 

And then there's the classmates...

I just want to fade away

Shifting gears 12/7

So, yesterday,  I started driving for Gomo. All the gigs are American Tire Distributors.  Two days in, and I'm at 252 And now it looks like roadie is a thing of the past. 

But if there numbers hold, I could make 600 per week.

Roadie ignored my requests to be paid my $57.70 and also reinstate my app, neither has happened. 

Meanwhile,  the customer support of Gomo actually answered the phone.  American Tire Distributors are getting used to seeing me, and they're nice!!

When one door closes,  another opens!

12/6/21

After a tumultuous week with roadie,  I'm fed up. 12/2 had me heading for my 3rd $100 day. Then... the app quit. I knew I was heading for trouble when the phone calls rolled to a recording saying call back later.  Texts went to delayed answer and emails did the same, stating heavy volume. 

It was a $57.70 tire delivery.  Credit has yet to be given. The rest of that Thursday,  and subsequent days, my app wasn't working and Credit not given. 

I found Gomo. Delivery service for tires. Completed my application,  awaiting time to try. 

Today is Monday and I opened the app. Started getting orders. First one.  Then, 2 at a time.

7 gigs 107.60 pay. Less mileage driven than roadie.  All American Tire Distributors! Same delivery that roadie is trying to gyp me out of...  This evening, I wrote roadie a final lengthy email. 

I think I will like gomo

December 1, 2021

3rd day in a row over 100

This week 2 one last week.  Last pay week over 600. I feel like I'm getting stronger.  I go from 6 am to 2... straight through.. no problem. 

I know that some time this week  Heather's heading out to Cuyahoga Falls for a few days.  But don't know when. Friday night is Sallie.  Sunday is Heather's Melanie boudoir shoot. I just want my time alone. 

ALSO

I just reread some entries from 2008 through 2010 in live journal. 

I was more verbose then.

 The break up with Diana,  my loss of the family home, the loss of the cottage and reentry of Cheryl plus a 2011 party at Orloskis were topics.

It was a great time of change back in those years from 2008 to 2011. 

Yet not much has changed.  I still reminisce about Diana,  about Cheryl,  about the family home, cottage and the like. Am I stuck in a loop?

Time to trudge forward and move on 

Thanksgiving weekend update

I work a lot. This week should total $500.

Heather now roadies. But her income is nominal. She might make 200 a week.  She'll need more. 

I can't wait to get out of here 

 Again,  after a weekend with Bob,  she came back to announce for a third time that she and Bob are a couple. I'm not jealous.  I'm rather relieved.  I recognized that fact 3 1/2 years ago when she first announced she's opening up the relationship.  

I must pay down the bills and save money 

I work a lot

There's no getting around it. I work a lot. If I had a more conducive home environment,  I might not work so much.  But as it stands,  I've been paying the full tab on all expenses for 18 months,  I NEED to work.  

I have to get the credit cards back down as well as the personal loan. Then there's the nissan.  8800 and still in my name. I've got a lot to do in the next 6 months.  

Heather has been taking multiple mother daughter days since Sallie has been here. She'll be gone again tomorrow + night + most of Sunday,  since she's declared Bob as her boyfriend. 

Supposedly,  she starts a new job on Monday.  I'll wait and see.  

Meanwhile,  I have almost no interest in going out anymore,  which saves money.  I DID go see Mike and Priscilla Wednesday night before Thanksgiving.  We talked.  The stroke was a topic.  

I don't expect to hear again from them anytime soon.  Unless it suits them to gossip and be first with information,  I suspect they'll fade into the woodwork,  like I plan to.

Other than that,  work is on the agenda...

Decry-ers

Uncle Harry wanted to inspire me.  That's why he bought me the drums for Christmas 1969. And the cymbal in 1970. He wanted me to join Local 4 Musicians union. 

But mom didn't want me to. She belittled every effort brought forth by the Keifers. I'm certain it was a jealousy thing.  She was always jealous of others who had things better. 

When I had experience playing drums in a rock band, my parents left the house during practice.  

Nancy wanted me to put the drums up in the attic.  She didn't like the noise. I'm certain she wouldn't like the attention it would bring either. 

Cheryl didn't want me playing in public,  or practicing with a band either.  She'd ridicule everything I did in drumming or photography.  So I didn't.  I became a doorstop. 

Diana thought it was cool but by then, I'd been ridiculed too much. 

Jude had nothing but harsh ridicule for everything I did.

Heather was the only one who came to practice and to a gig. The rest just criticized

11/22/21

Another weekend plus alone. 

Heather's at Bob's from Saturday morning until Tuesday night.

I worked. 

I didn't go out over the weekend.  Too tired.  

Thought a lot about the flashbacks I mentioned in the previous post.  Although nothing happened,  last year's dating experiment shouldn't have happened.  It was a disaster. 

Further,  continuous flirtation with Dawn isn't smart either.  Yesterday I found out she has covid and has been off since the last weekend I saw her.  I kissed her as well. Although I'm not showing symptoms,  perhaps I was carrying it. 

Another flashback day

So I spent 100 on shelves and she's not even here again. I'm sore and tired as hell. One set of shelves is up. Another needs 2 people  to assemble. So I did wash instead. 

I remembered it's the 3rd week in November and next week is Thanksgiving. A year ago, I was dealing with her issues.  I looked it up.

Last year I was also in the midst of falling for Lauren.  Man, I'm glad that went nowhere.  But for October and November last year,  8 was smitten. 

Star Trek Insurection

I remember this movie.  Just finished watching it on showtime.  Diana loved this movie.  I always felt it was like an episode more than a movie. 

While watching,  I felt like I did during the first time I saw it. I was flush with memories and thoughts of good times.  For the most part,  2002 to 2006ish was the best time of my life with a girlfriend. 

New era

Today, my white silk Tama Starclassics arrived. Completing the trio of Starclassic drum sets. Also shown are the liquid metal on the left and Dark Stardust Fade in back.  

Although I have been communicating with the band TARP, they don't seem motivated to pursue me.

Oh well,  I'll connect with a band sometime. 

weekend of 11/12-14

Friday- 11/12, Armstrong Bearcats at Red Fox in Cuyahoga Falls.  Always a great time 

Saturday-11/13, Impulse at Nashville Nights.  Good show considering Ken wasn't there due to lung bacteria infection. 

Mixed messages from dawn.  Very stand offish. 

She's flirtatious on phone but cool I'm person.  Very confusing 

another Thursday night solo

Tonight made me reflect.  About 4 or 5 days every 2 weeks Heather is gone. She needs to schedule better.  I could move and she wouldn't know it.

work

All I do is drive. 

That's how I make money. 

I average between $3-400 per week. That's 18200 per year or 1516 per month. 

I will make 1601 before Medicare on my social security. 19212 annually.  

37404 gross, 3117 monthly. 

My point?

Heather has to buy the nissan.  Then I'll qualify for 571 p+i

Clarification

The older I get,  the clearer becomes the view.

I was nothing more than a basement band drummer. 

I was never an original photographer.

I was only a mildly innovative marketer, showing an occasional flash of genius. 

I always have been an extraordinarily regular guy. 

I'm no leader, but rather a dispassionate follower.

I'm comfortable being alone. 

I love the woods.

I'm ordinarily lazy and have to push myself to get going. 

I'll never have accomplished anything remarkable. 

My 40s were wasted chasing pushy. My 30s wasted trying to be an adult.  My 20s were divided  - first partying - then trying to be married... a choice that I regretfully made because I was asked when I would marry her. My 50s were turbulent,  first with the decline of my relationship with Diana,  then death of mom, then re-entry of Cheryl and then her death,  and ending with the worst decision of my life... Jude. My 60s brought me back to a simpler life,  drumming and my life changing stroke.

Next!!!??!

I just feel like bitching

I'm down to 95 Facebook friends and I don't care.  I could lose half and still not care. Some, like Sammy are throwbacks to a much different life. I have my groups and that's entertaining enough.  I'm losing interest in fascistbook/meta anyway. 

I find myself looking more at for sale signs as I drive my deliveries.  I've got such a long way to go before buying a house. 

Pay off drum loan, pay off personal loan, credit cards,  nissan loan...

That's about $11000.

I'm kinda in limbo of sorts. Driving everywhere is getting old. I get tired sooner.  I no longer drive north of Fairlawn or Cuyahoga falls.  Not even for bands.  

I might need to find a way to make money online from home. But these communists in office are legislating bullshit taxes... even on mileage. Assholes. 

I just want to move away, alone and stop dealing with bullshit. 

11/7/21

End of the weekend review. 

Heather spent the night with guy #5. Steve, guitarist for Terry T. She's also spent the night with Bob, Randy, and Eric (Canton) within the last few weeks.  She's also dated some guy who's name and location she left private.. not telling me. 

Adding insult to injury,  she got sassy with me about she could never date me now because she doesn't like long hair. 

Then, the next slap in the face: in response to my post about girls not wanting to date guys with long hair,  Rhonda Engle posted that of course not. They don't want to date girls.  BLOCKED AND DELETED!!

And finally,  after 2 years of flirtation with Dawn,  all she talked about Saturday was Nikki Storm. Time to forget her and move on. 

So then I went looking at other "friends " profiles... cutting anyone pro vax. Done. Down to 90++. 

Solitude looks good. 

I can't wait until spring. 

If I save $100 per week until spring,  I'll have about $3300 saved if I go FHA.  But a really want FMHA with zero down.   I'll also have paid off my loan and affirm by then. 

Now, all that's needed is for Heather to buy out the nissan 

weekend of 11/5-7

Normally I have something specific in mind when I start a post. This time,  I don't.  A lot of things have transpired for me to get here. 

18 months ago we started lockdown.  I left menards and started roadie.  There's been a lot of personal freedom in doing so. 

I have more inner strength due to all the adversity.  I've lost friends due to covid,  and I've had it myself.  The biggest change though was my stroke.  It's changed my way of thought. I don't go out nearly as much.  

Speaking of going out... the pangs to do so are gone. I make plans.. then don't go.  The music side of things has withered.  It's no longer fun to go see bands. Partly because of what happened with Route 95, where we had strong promise, and then Muddy River Project,  where in 3 weeks we turned promise into reality. 

Then, when my endurance crashed,  so did my desire.  I had been through the work, the play and the pay. My respect for the musicianship grew. My enjoyment however crashed.  My mind and heart had said... been there done that.  My focus moved on. 

For years,  I was convinced that I couldn't live anywhere but rentals. Truth was,  now, I could.  I will. I just have to get Heather to buy out the nissan.  By February,  my loans will be paid and money will be well saved. I should make my move.

I'm still preparing,  but focused 

that chapter closed

I've been researching things pretty hard. Housing, for example.  My latest flirtation with a house in Diamond,  Ohio is over. I went by the house.  It needed lots of work. 

Finances will have to wait until April,  when my roadie income will be 2 years old and my bankruptcy will be 4 years ago.  Plus, Heather has to find a job that can support her,  and she can take over the nissan. Only then, I'm free.

But my foree into finances has taught me that I have the right idea using a  USDA loan with no down payment.  Meanwhile I have amassed 1000 in savings.  Big help! 

Waiting until April will make that number quintuple. 

I can't wait til April 

Another weekend alone

October 29-31..... solo

I'm seriously looking into buying a home. I need cash NOW.

But, time will tell 

well... alone again

Today is October 29. Heather and Sallie are spending the weekend at Randy's.  

I'm tired,  and headed to bed at 8pm. Not much happening except work.  Starting to investigate financing for a purchase.  Looking at a couple houses on zillow in Diamond,  near Ravenna.  

Also, Connie Eichenser died of covid.  Makes me not want to go out any more.  

cars I owned

On October 25th.

1968 Plymouth Fury II

1966 Ford Galaxie 500

1970 Chevy Camaro 

1970 Plymouth Fury III

1977 Chevy Monte Carlo

1979 Chevy Monte Carlo

1980 Chevy Citation 

1984 Dodge Charger 

1970 Dodge Polara

1975 Ford Ranchero

1985 Dodge D50 pickup 

1985 Ford Station wagon 

1990 Dodge Caravan 

1992 Ford Escort

1989 Ford conversion van

1995 Dodge Caravan

1989 Ford Tempo

1987 Porsche 924

1985 Buick winterbeater 

1995 Ford Mustang 

1996 Ford Taurus 

2002 Dodge 1500

2006 Dodge Dakota

1996 Dodge Neon

2005 Ford Ranger

2009 Dodge Caliber

2013 Hyundai Santa Fe

2005 Chevy Blazer 

2004 Chevy Trailblazer 

2015 Nissan Rogue 

2012 Ford Transit 

I used to be angry

When Diana announced that she was going to Michigan,  and for months after,  I was angry.  I wanted to know why she would do such a thing. You know what? The anger faded. So much that I often wondered what would it be like to meet with her again. 

When Jude turned turncoat,  I was not only mad, I did not forgive.  I just chose to walk away and vowed to myself to not return to that area, nor remain friends with mutual friends.  That second part is still being worked through. 

My departure here will be more methodical,  calculated and planned.  I've effectively honed down the drum sets. I've been saving money and shopping for houses. I figure another 6 months and then reevaluate. 

In other news...

George Yunis passed over the weekend . I also went to see Bronx Country at Nashville Nights.  They kicked ass. Anita Jett was there.  She got fat!!!! Ugh.

Friday, October 22nd

Been a busy week. 

Last Saturday,  Dan French picked up the PDP Exotics.  This was the Buzzards and Muddy River Project kit. Yesterday,  I sold (and drove) the PDP Black Pearl kit to a guy working in lordstown, living in New York.  That was the Route 95 kit. 

I still have both Tama Starclassics, and wouldn't be opposed to getting a third,  if the right one presented itself. 

I've begun paying the bills aggressively as well as saving money like crazy.  I want a house of my own,  alone. 

More later...

I just don't know anymore

Things are swirling. 

You know,  when one day blends into another,  events become indistinguishable,  and time flies by...

All I do is work. Then, I pay bills. Then I work some more.  I've sold the PDP Exotics and the PDP CX series is currently up for sale. I've sold the drum mikes and the Remote HiHat. None of that stuff was being used.  I purchased another Tama Starclassic Performer set to replace the PDP gig kit I am having difficulty selling.  

When all's said and done I'll be down to 2 kits, I guess.  We'll see. 

Getting back to work, paying bills and work... the irony  is I don't even have fun going to see bands any more.  Dating seems out of the question.  Prospects are slim. Dot enjoys my company though. 

Meanwhile, Heather added another guy to her stable.  I think she's up to 6 now: Randy (Berea),  Bob (CuyahogaFalls),  Jonathan (Pittsburgh),  Gary (Cleveland),  Eric (Canton), and Adam (Norton). Another guy wants to date her as well... he played with Terry. T.

Am I jealous? Maybe.  

But I've also been consumed with death. Cheryl's 62nd birthday would have been tomorrow.  Randy died July 15th.  Naomi died September 29th.  Vernon Vaponik died 2 weeks ago.  A LOT of people I know died in the last 20 months.  More will happen soon. UPDATE 10/20: Phil Senko died 10/13 due to complications of Covid 

 It's hard to be horny when you have E.D., no confidence and are surrounded by death... especially when you had a stroke 8 months ago. 

For now, I find myself planning and saving.  Let's see what the spring brings. 

10/17/21 premonition

While showering,  I often think about stuff. For a while now,  the year 2014 has more than once popped in my head.  I'd been pondering the significance of that year.... the year I met Jude and my life started tailspinning. I had hoped that it wasn't a constant reference to a very bad time of my life. 

Today, 2014 became 2041. Then it made sense.  2041 could very well be the year of my death.  

But it'll take diligence and health monitoring.  

But now those digits make sense.

October 17 update

Today was a day off.

I was exhausted,  off balance and just no ambition. 

However,  today,  Dan French picked up the PDP Exotics he paid for on Friday.  So I listed my other PDP Black Pearl kit on Craigslist.  Cross posted on Facebook.  Also I listed the Pearl Eliminator Remote HiHat on Facebook marketplace. 

I'll finish the week tomorrow and at 300 to 350. Social security comes in this week too. I have to keep working. I'd like to keep putting 100 per week in savings.  If I keep this up,  I'll have over 1200 in savings by the end of the year.  

Goal is to have enough for an FHA down payment some time next year.  Goal is 5000!

This weekend was also Marlene's wedding.  She's now living at her 96 year old's house. Sarah is going to live with them. 

Supposedly,  Mike and Cheryl are breaking up leaving Sallie alone with her dad. Now both Bob and Randy are going to help Heather try to get Sallie again.  

Time for me to move on. 

weekend update

Actually,  it's October 11th,  a Monday.  

I'll try to catch things up. 

After a relatively quiet week, Heather's back. She spent the weekend at a hotel,  paid for by Randy, using many items paid by Gary's Amazon card, and then went to Bob's on Sunday. Meanwhile,  Dot and I were home having quiet weekend shows in the background while sleeping on the couch. 

Heather will most likely spend at least one week night at Bob's again this week and then the weekend at Randy's. More alone time.

I found myself irritated at Heather's presence at dinner.  I am enjoying my solitude. 

During my daytime work excursions,  I am scoping out the neighborhoods as I travel.  It is increasingly likely that I will purchase a home rather then rent once I leave here. So I'm preparing. 

I've started saving money.  I'll need 3 1/2% down payment.  

And I have ambitions on paying off my drums and consolidation loans ASAP.  

The wheels are turning!

Tonight I got texts from Linda and Lisa.  Vernon Vaponik died 9/24. He was 3 years younger than me. 

a flash memory

Memories are funny. Suddenly,  you remember something and the floodgates open. This applies to my recent flash memory. 

1995. Michelle and my affair is in full swing. Each morning before work,  I'd get a  blow job. At lunch,  a quick fuck in her van. After work, another quickie .

This went on from mid January thru May or June. 3 times a day. It muse have been more than about 1000 orgasms that year

Weekend in review

Heather has taken to teasing me about dressing up to go out.  I'm not liking it.  She's got 5 boyfriends and has the gaul to tease me?

I've been thinking about getting my own place again.  I pay close attention to houses for sale, when I'm out and about. A reverse mortgage purchase is the way to go, but I'll have to save more money for the 3 1/2% down payment.  For a $150k home I'll need $5250. It'll be a while. 

I had more sadness this weekend.  Missing Randy Frazier and Naomi Lawler,  who both left earth too soon.  Randy I'm getting used to.  Naomi,  however,  is a different story.  I never really got to know her and that makes me sad. 

10/2/21

A lazy Saturday,  another friend lost.

Last night was Armstrong Bearcats at Nashville Nights. Always a good time. I paid for it all  day.  Too much beer, not enough sleep.  I'm achey everywhere. 

Naomi Lawler died on the morning of the 26th.  I just started talking to her in July or August.  She was on the same dating site and we started messaging.  She was very cute, slender and had a very big smile. You could even see it in her  eyes.  

She had stage 4 lung cancer and was using a new drug infusion to avoid chemo and radiation.  She was very upbeat despite her illness.  I wish I knew her longer.  We might have actually met.

I sold my PDP Exotic Maples to Dan French yesterday.  He still owes 400 but put a deposit of 100 down. I listed the other PDP black pearl set as well. Got a couple nibbles. Meanwhile,  I wanted to replace the PDP kits with a Tama Starclassic,  and did that last night on reverb. They should be coming next week. 

On the domestic front,  Heather was at Randy's all last weekend until Tuesday,  then Bob's Wednesday night.  While I was out last night,  she left Sallie here and went out for a while. 

I've started looking at zillow to buy a home using a reverse mortgage.  I don't want to put up with this much longer.  More when I have it 

End of September, 2021

Reflections

July 15, 2021. Randy Frazier rode off into forever.  

September 26, 2021. Naomi Lawler had gone to rest. She was a recent friend i met on a dating website.  We struck up a conversation detailing our maladies. Her ambition was to find a friend to do stuff with.  Much like Cheryl,  with her cramming life into her last year, so was apparently Naomi's plan. I never met you Naomi,  but you touched my soul.

I'm selling my brown PDP kit to Dan French on Saturday.  I've listed my black pearl PDP kit, and started getting action on it. If both sell, that clears the way to get a Tama Starclassic wrapped kit of some kind. I'm going back to Tama. 

I'm still roadie-ing.  If I can maintain a few months of constant work like last week, I'll also try to pay off the personal loan I took out... before the end of the year. 

Recent Reflections

I'm moving in to a period of transition.  Not even caring about past relationships,  or past jobs, or even past bands. All of these were covered in past reflections.

I'm transitioning to the future place where I will live.  Studying more about using a reverse mortgage for a purchase,  and how to go about it.

I also want to live alone. No roommates to clear things with. 

I find myself paying attention to houses as I drive. Wayne County looks like the spot. We'll see. 

But no remorse for spoiled relationships. No dreams about former jobs, no nothing.  Just looking forward to home ownership and living alone 

Another Friday night

Well, my plans fell through.  I was going to try to get to Nashville Nights tonight.  It didn't happen. 

Instead,  another Friday night at home.

It's funny how I've changed.  I'm too lazy to drive an hour and a half one way to spend a set listening to a band. I KNOW it's me that has changed because it doesn't matter who's playing,  I'm bored.  I used to get into the music,  but now am bored with it. 

I started to empathize with the hours a band puts in practicing,  and the joy of their performance flies right out the window.  

Another reason I'm having trouble is the people.  Half are on their phones. Some are talking over the band.some are just distastfully drunk. I notice that more now.

Yup,  I've changed 

flashbacks

I don't know why, but over the past few months I have been flashing back to the year 2014.

No specific memory,  but 2014 keeps popping in to my head. Perhaps it's because that was a turning point year. I had a new place to live,  no woman in my life until after July,  and other issues were turning around.  That was the year when I kicked all the payday loans to the curb. 

The eternal downside was Jude.  I should have skipped meeting her. Then 2015/16 wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have had that entire heartache experience.  I might have also avoided this entire Heather experience as well. Perhaps it's time to sever the ties here too. But I must save up funds to make that happen too.

9/17 my hermitage

I barely go anywhere anymore. 

Today I went to Clinton Towpath to walk and take pictures.  Kicked my ass! I'm severely out of shape.  

But, at least my weight is down.  According to the doctors office I weigh 235. That's down 30 pounds since my stroke.  If I drop more, it'll surely help the blood pressure.  My lipid count was 80, which he said was excellent.  

I'm not working anymore so I'll save about 150 a week on gas. I just need to find out how to bring in 800 a month to cover the cars and utilities. 

Another weekend alone

Today is 9/10/21. Early this morning,  Heather was out to work at sisters tag sale.  I've been home alone and sick all day. She's spending the weekend at Bob's.  

This is getting old 

updated vision of the future

As stated in the past,  from time to time I glimpse a vision of what may transpire in the future. 

Recent developments indicate the following:

1. Heather's relationship with Bob is progressing.  He's feeling comfortable here, likes the wide open back yard and Heather feels comfortable with his overtures with Sallie. 

2. Bob's mom is still alive, but at 90, I can't figure she'll be in the picture very much longer.  Bob's retirement is now inevitable,  and if his mom goes, he'll have no need to stay in Cuyahoga falls,  and Heather won't want to live there.

3. Sallie is a year and a half away from graduating and that time will pass quickly. 

4. I won't want to be here if Bob moves in.

Suddenly,  the future of my being here has been given a window out.

Today was Labor Day

The traditional end of summer.  Until late afternoon it was gray, gloomy and wet... all weekend. 

Traditionally,  this weekend was spent at 519 Twilight Trail in Gloria glens. We would be spending the weekend celebrating mom's birthday,  which was yesterday.  She'd have been 98 yesterday. 

I think the last time we went to the cottage on her birthday was 1977. I took the monte carlo, Maria was there and Frank Tortorella and his buddy drove by as we were playing Frisbee. The last time I stepped foot in side the active park, was for the rats/rapscallion show at the Zeppelin  - the old dance hall. Although the next weekend,  Bob peeko and I tried to get in to see Michael Stanley,  we never made it in

Fast forward to 2004, when Diana and I took mom to show her the new construction that was done on the cottage 

 

Flash forward again when Cheryl and I took photos of the last showing of the park, and we went to Twilight trail where the entire block of cottages was leveled due to mold. 

Gone was mom and dad

Gone was the amusement park 

Gone was the entire block of Twilight trail.

oye

Today's 9/3 and it's the 3rd day i have the chills in the evening.  Also, Heather's got covid and strep. I'm keeping my distance while I go through my usual ibuprofen and benadryl along with my prescriptions.

I've still done a few roadie ls but it looks like 200 will be the max this week. Time will tell. 

not what I thought

Yesterday was an awakening of sorts. In reading through Facebook,  I noticed that Muddy River Project has a new drummer.  

Then, I read that Ken got a new jam drummer.  

Two doors closed in a matter of minutes.  I can't blame them.  It's become painfully obvious that part of my life is over . Perhaps I should sell the PDP kits and call it a career.  I need to think about it 

change on the horizon

8/27/21

I've had these premonitions before.  I "feel" when a change is about to occur.  It feels that way again.  As if a page is turning.  

I think it's the domestic situation.  I am about done with Heather's sloppiness.  Plus,  she's gone more than here, not generating any income, and I'm left carrying the weight.

8/26/2021

Today was busy driving.  

Lots of longer gigs.

Tonight,  I took Dawn's photo poster to her. She was really happy.

Heather is at Bob's again.

Meanwhile,  she's not bringing in money,  she keeps spending, the Rogue has no air conditioning now. It'll cost 900 to fix. She's going to have to fix it. I can't. 

Meanwhile,  the house is a disaster area. She's now got messes on her side of the upstairs,  her side of the basement,  the living room is almost unpassable, as is the dining room.cant get near the couch or dining room table. Garage is full of boxes, a table project (she never sold the one downstairs), kitchen sink gets full of dishes she never does, living room carpet never got ripped up, antique record player never got sold, she never continued on her book,  she never started listing and selling the items she bought for her web business. She bought a $200 clawfoot tub thats on hold while she finds movers tomorrow it. She never started back cleaning, she never went through with booking her boudoir photos.  In short, she starts but never finished ANYTHING! She better start finishing these projects or she'll be alone.  I can't live with another hoarder.

I need to step up my dating game. 

8/24/21

Charlie Watts died today. He was 80.

Joe Biden continues to be incompetent on all fronts.  Media...even CNN is bashing him.

I made a poster out of one of my moon photos for Dawn. I'll take it to her later this week. 

Heather's busy boinking Bob, her new boyfriend.  Spending many nights there.

I chose to opt out of Advanced Auto Parts.  Too long of hours for a declining guy like me. Too structured.  Roadie fits better all around. 

My thoughts lately have surrounded Lauren,  and how I blew it. Oh well... move on.

August 20, 2021

Weird day

I seem to be getting lazier with my roadies.  Down to 2 a day, and then I feel tired.  How am I gonna work 8 hours?

Tonight was supposed to be Armstrong Bearcats at Nashville Nights.  Butch's mom died, so there was some substitute band. Lame in caps would be more accurate.  

I'm going to sleep 💤 

The I-team

The I-team is when

#1 is Incompetent 

#2 is indisposed

#3 is insane

August 18, 2021

Well, the absurd is abundant. 

I've been reinstated with roadie,  but haven't done any gigs. I'm waiting to see if I get paid for last week. 

I start with advanced auto parts Monday.  I am glad I can still get hired for jobs, but I'll have to see what happens with them. 

Heather is over at Bob's again. Randy finished my will, preliminary.

 I'm quite spinning with world events... Afghanistan is now alkiada run. Biden impotent.  Kamala is awol and so is press sec'y psacki. Military is pissed.  Clandestine services embarrassed.  It's all a cluster fuck. 

Friends are divided into factions by vexing. Theres now a 3rd shot for those who want it. Some of the vaxers are asking why. I now have a friend who had 2 shots,  get covid, Erol Summer.   To me,  it's just more fuel not to get it. How much more  chemicals are you gonna put in your body, when the first 2 shots didn't work?

Restaurants and entertainment bars requires proof of vax... I won't be going. 

Unraveling has begun

First... personal.  I lost my roadie gig. Saturday,  delivery to west bumfuck

 Google and Wales both directed me down a street where I left packages. Sunday,  roadie support calls... gotta return it to home depot, cuz buyer never got them.  Of course after my hour drive, they're no longer there. 

Roadie account frozen. 274 in account.  No one responds to me.  

I'm pissed.  So, I go out. Job hunting... 3 offers.  I took advanced auto parts. Less driving.  10/hr..30 hours, 4 days. Probably save 100 to 120 a week on gas.

Second... biden. Pulls out of Afghanistan reminiscent of the end of Nam. Refugees hanging off planes taking off, falling to their deaths. Vp kamala bails... leaves Washington for a week as does press secretary jen piano. Congress is silent because they were complicit.

Biden a senile ass. Military let out to dry while  oneness votes themselves a 2000 per month raise and then decides how to spend 5 trillion in stimulus. 

USA is going down.  Tala and took cobbel Afghanistan and has all our armaments we hitailed outta there without.

addendum, continuation

Still visiting the past work in my dreams.  Each time,  I either consciously add my retirement to the dream or wake up disbelieving it.

I've also been revisiting people from bands i know.  Mike binder and Priscilla,  Marc alu, even Jude are visiting.  Also cherish estrich(?) 

Not certain what is getting resolved by these dreams,  but I imagine that they have some purpose.  

I vaguely remember drumming dreams too. 

It's all too weird.  

I'm also certain it has to do with my boredom with seeing bands lately as well.  

Perhaps this is all leading up to a change in direction of sorts. 

update of sorts

Well, I've prepaid my cremation and the will is being completed. I've stopped speaking to Erica because of her radical ideas. Now Mike seems to be affected by the same ignorance. 

Right now I can't be concerned with that however.  That's for Jessica to sort out. All I can do is work to pay off the credit cards and cars.  That's my purpose. 

I can't put my finger on it, but I've been revisiting the past during my dreams in the past days.  Everything from closings to real estate to lending and insurance.

Quite odd really.  I find myself waking up, thinking wait!! I'm retired.  I don't need this.....

Seems like I'm wrapping things up in my head,  heart and life.

Time will tell...

August 10, 2021

In a couple weeks,  it'll be 6 months since my stroke.  That's an astounding fact. I've accomplished a great deal since then. I'm working every day. My roadie income has replaced first American.  But first American is a job i never should have taken.  

The stroke altered the direction of my life. 6 months ago,  I was in a  pretty solid band, readying for a gig. When the stroke took that away,  I think it did more than destroy me. I think it destroyed Randy and Ken too. 

Ken and Randy apparently parted ways. Ken moved on with his new girlfriend,  as said by Randy. But Ken hinted at Randy's poor living conditions,  dirty place and excessive pot use as the reason.  

Randy had plans to replace Keith as King's bass player, and perhaps run sound. 

But then,  Greg King died. Whether it was covid or just pneumonia,  I'll never know.  But Route 95 falling apart and then Greg's death  i think took Randy as much as the motor cycle accident did. His las Facebook posts were almost resigned to plants, and not nearly as many "Stalker Nams" as he used to rant about.

I never realized,  until he was gone,  that the car accident,  his sister's taking his mom's house,  and his mom's death all occurred within the last year before our meeting.  He had it pretty tough in his last year.  RIP Randy.

Additionally this year,  I upped my bills to add the cargo van. Extended some credit card debt to make a lot of this happen.  It'll go down slower, because I don't think we'll get another stimulus check.  But if we do, I hope to eradicate the credit cards. I'm going to need Heather to start paying something again. 

Time will tell 

weekend review

Friday was quiet. Saturday night was at Nashville Nights with impulse.  Both Suzanne and Skye did a full court press. But dawn won out as we chatted a lot Sunday morning.  

8/4 update

Today was tiring.  Only small potatoes gigs Today so I'm behind the 8 ball now. helped Heather dismantle the day bed and took upstairs.  

Last time I had decided to sell the PDP brown kit... abandoned that idea. Keeping it now 

I'm exhausted 

Oh, masks are coming back too.  Home depot,  lowes, giant eagle,  i image menards too.

I made contact with Rob grass from the money store.  He and Sherri are still together...in Florida... he's still in mortgage but thinking about getting in with Sherri on her new processing company.  Funny what memories do...

Charlie Watts was rushed to the hospital yesterday for emergency surgery.  He'll miss the US tour.  At 80, still drumming.  God bless.

I am better off alone

I dislike Heather more and more.  She has no ambition to get a job,  just going on as status quo. Playing with her men while I work.  And me? Alas,  I'm destined to be alone

I felt very little

Today's events felt like turning a corner.  

Heather was on her 2nd overnight date this week. This time,  with the new guy, Bob.  I felt very little.  

Went to Cliffside key club to see impulse.  Music was good  but I felt very little. 

Suzanne was there with Skye, and her boyfriend showed up. I felt very little. 

Talked with the band, discussed selling drums. I felt very little. 

Listening to the band,  watching MMA on TV. Felt very little. 

Bottom line... I felt very little  doing everything.  Maybe it's time to turn the page

..

Exhausting week

It's Thursday.  I'm exhausted.  

Tuesday and Wednesday were slow. After a 300 mile Thursday,  I sit at 182. Not very good!

300 may be the tops this week. 

Heather finally started talking to me on Tuesday,  but Wednesday,  after Sallie left, so did Heather... for Berea. She'll return Friday morning after picking up Sallie.  Then Saturday,  she leaves for her new boyfriends weekend of river rafting.  I'll be home with Dot. 

I dropped plenty of fish.  Joined zoosk.  Getting a few contacts but I only Joined for a month.  We'll see 

Moanday

Finished off the work week at $403. That's $1700 for the past 4 weeks.  That's good 

I've figured out how to make things work for now.  Pay rent mud month... pay the entire amount  mid month.  That comes from Huntington.  So does gas and insurance.  Other bills come from friends and family.  It should work out. 

My van has license plates until my birthday 2022. The rogue is being used by Heather.  If push comes to shove, she gets a choice to buy it and get financing on her own.  

I haven't talked to her in over 24 hours.  I don't like her posting stickers on it like she did.  I never devalue a vehicle with stickers... no matter who it is. She pissed me off

it's weird

Last night,  I went to see Morrison Hotel at Cindees in Medina.  I had fun.... and way too much beer. 

I did nothing today. No roadies. No nothing. I was, and still am exhausted.  Heather took Sallie to see escape... the journey tribute band. I wanted to go out. No energy.  Too tired.  

Internet wise, Facebook is boring.  POF is boring.  Everything is boring.  

I feel like a change is going to happen soon.  That deja vu... preview... a preja vu.... if you will. 

A changing of my situation...

A change of what is unknown.  With Heather's new boyfriend,  things could go bad in a hurry. The loose end is no longer the rent. I make enough money to go it alone.  The loose end is the nissan rogue.  9200 is owed on it. 

I can't stress over it now. I'm tired.  

Evaluation

I placed myself on plenty of fish. Its different from before.  Now you have to pay...I did.  4 months worth 

I can't believe I'm getting this many rejections on my hair. 

Doesn't matter i guess.  I'm destined to be alone 

Ken contacted me about jamming again.  Its on!!!

Crazy Life

Today,  I crossed $647 in a week of roadies. Crazy part is, I didn't work Wednesday or Sunday. This will be a record week for quite some time.  It will help pay dome debts.

Crazy part 2...

Heather announced that she is on the Facebook dating site.  Apparently,  she gave up on the guy she met a few weeks ago! I just bailed in time! So I went to POF again and joined as an enhanced member.  I need someone too!

Still reeling from Randy's death. Gonna take time to get over it 

The Blink of an Eye...

 Yesterday morning, I thought I'd check up on Randy's "Stalker Nam" or "Black Ass Coffee" videos. Instead, I saw that he was killed on his bike around 11 AM Friday.

https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cantonrep.com%2Fstory%2Fnews%2F2021%2F07%2F16%2Fmotorist-dies-friday-crash-lincoln-way-w-tuscarawas-township%2F7993782002%2F%3Ffbclid%3DIwAR0QyxLmed-HvkEZ8VevNtBnB5eJLf-A-g8Czb34j16pZ8eRU8jsSaocvEY&h=AT0v_rFW19cCVbWXa1I9jwYxk6wsvg56rkCRY8Sz5m8lf-KgF8lwr31924EAtfeLfVfRpX8N85l0_WK8j1rBgk9ZcPKCUnnKi9fpugY_MQBD99G-XB9GL2cyU0Uw8dh0qOs

I immediately texted Ken Weber. He knew. He said that he'd known Randy since he was a kid, and although they had differences...(pot, Randy's house)... yeah, Randy was gone. He had his ways, never should have taken the bike out on a rainy morning... especially when he now has a car.

I really only knew Randy only a few short months, but in that time, he was always a friend to me. I kind of sensed it would happen, just like Miguel in 1981, when you mix that type of personality and a motorcycle, it's only a matter of time. 

 I went out to Nashville Nights to see tailspin. I liked them but Mark (sound guy) Dawn and her associate, didn't. I showed Dawn about Randy, she said THAT was what Keith Wiley was talking about the night before. She said Keith's losing friends left and right this year. Aren't we all?

  I found out what the post about no band was about. Fillmore East had broken up. In a follow up message to Ron Speck, I found out that FE  got Dan French (Impulse) to drum. I don't remember whether it was Ron or Mark (sound guy) who told me that their guitarist probably gave up and quit. Supposedly, there's a couple of the guys trying to regroup...Anyway, I reminded Mark he needed to do something about next Friday, as Fillmore is scheduled at Nash that night.

Ron was cordial about Randy. I said I'd see him at CinDees with Mo Ho next week.

At least I got Dawn to accept a friend request.,...

Unfinished business

Lately,  I've been flashing back.  To various times in my life. Recently Cheryl has been in my thoughts. We had some good times. That's why I miss her. 

Another visitor to my memory,  Diana.  Also good times. Good memories.  

When I think of Jude,  there's no real pleasant memories, and in thinking of that time, I often find myself getting aggravated.  So nothing was there really.  

When it comes to Heather,  the memories turn to rather a phase. With the 3 guys she's got, I feel like I  must find someone.  But momentary lapses turn to internet sites that are scams really and I pull the plug almost as soon as I make a profile. I'm destined to be alone... and in times of inner strength,  I'm OK with that. 

Funny thing is,  I really don't reminisce about Nancy.  Nor the kids...

Funny thing also,  apparently at least 3 of my kids are vaccinated.  Erica, Jessica and Michael.  Based on the posts on Mike's page

strange day

1. $215. How the hell can I make 60% of a week's pay in one day? I'm fatigued beyond the telling of it, but $215!!!!

2. I joined trumping, a dating site last weekend. Most all responses are from other parts of the country and a few from other countries. Locals view me, no response.  

Perhaps it's best to search in person rather then the web. Most web responses push to meet... and seek long term.

Nope Nope nope 

odds and ends

Heather's new beau is named Eric.  He's 50, semi retired and taller than me. She told me that she was going to investigate going on the pill. She told me that she wants to get a part-time job in September.  She also wants to dump Gary.  That tells me that she wants Gary out... wants to make money,  wants to fuck Eric which makes Randy disposable as well. She said she has to get her book done first...

She also wants to get me a  girlfriend... mentioned match.com.  

In other news.  I've turned the corner on taking nature photos again. Now it's just making time for them 

stay at home weekend

Both Friday and Saturday nights Heather came home after midnight.  It wouldn't have mattered, but Sallie was here. I bought dinner for her and me at subway.  Then drank 5 beers. 

Apparently,  this new guy she's dating is hot stuff. 3rd night in a week she's stayed out... plus Monday night at Randy's. 

I'm completely done with her.  No way going anywhere with her ever again.  

I'll save money and sign over the nissan as soon as it's paid for. 

Then, I have no reason to be here. 

Don't know where I'll go,  but I will!

______________

Sunday update 

She was gone again today... ALL day. Claims she went to Kim's in Cleveland,  but I doubt that this was an all girl weekend. 

But.. none of my business.  Just as when I disappear for 12 hours it's not her business 

Compounding Bad Decisions

2008 - reuniting with Cheryl. 

Lead to the eternal heartbreak I currently endure 

2014/15/16 Jude all the time. Every level One of the worst decisions EVER!

2017-21. To a much lesser extent is Heather.  First being in the midst of a divorce,  then her insane ex andkid. Plus the age gap. Then, 8 months after moving here,  tolerating her request to open up the relationship.  It died that day and she became a sister  

-------------------

Addendum 11:06 pm

Heather had a date with Gary.  An alleged text saying she waS headed to her illustrators came in. I watched a movie. The entire house is now a disaster area as Heather sprawled her mess into the dining room. 

Today, I caught up a bit on my week's income. But I've got 4 days to go. It'll take a lot of work to make 2 car payments a month. 

Today, I closed the door on dawn.  My heart is worth more than an occasional flirtation.  

I'm closing doors in a lot of areas. More when I have it

7/7/21

Slow roadie day. 

Only 1 down to Carrollton for not enough money. 

Rested. Went to Towpath tavern and home. Heather is serious about hooking me up. Threatens to make me a dating profile. 

In addition to Gary and randy,  she met a guy she has a date set up for this weekend.  

All I want is sleep. 

Suzanne invited me to a wedding in August but I declined.  I get lots of messages on trumping, nothing interesting 

I messaged dawn that I have a new phone number.  She saw it but no response.  I'll give her a day and then she's written off

Eye opener

Tonight,  Heather said she wants to fix me up so she can go pursue someone else.  NOT Randy, NOT Gary... she gave out her phone number to a guy on Friday when she went out. 

Meanwhile,  I'm most comfortable at home alone

Different take

I've been on the road a lot. When Heather's home, I prefer to be roadie-ing.  I'm not fond of her coming home from a three day fuck fest,  bragging about sexual exploits. So I stay away as long as I can when she's home. 

But upon her return the past few times.,  she has been  dropping hints about getting me a girlfriend.  WHAT???

weird shit ensues...

Gonna Have to change

Today was a cluster fuck.  In short, the phone cost me $130 to stay with the same service and change numbers.  CLUSTER FUCK!!!!!

This evening I'm angry.  Working so hard that I was too tired to go out. In retrospect,  thats not a complaint,  it's part of the change. 

I'm seldom going out for bands anymore.  It no longer feels like me.  I'd like to get back to nature photos soon.  I felt like I need the inner peace.  

Since Heather has gone so much again,  I'm alone.  She left Wednesday morning thru Friday morning,  then went out Friday night.  Left this morning and won't be back til Monday some time.  

I'm on my own right now. 

Today was the first day I actually contemplated selling my PDP kits. Doesn't sound like I'll ever drum again. 

Change is coming 

Yesterdays

My yesterdays are becoming irrelevant. 

 

Photography 

Drumming 

Clubbing

Camping 

Things I looked forward to; things I couldn't wait to do; things I dreamed about; things I planned half the summer for.....

All memories... insignificant memories. 

Now... I don't have a life,  I have an existence ...paycheck to paycheck,  that which I am earning all alone for the entire household,  while Heather scams and sleeps her way through 

Priorities

Things have changed. 

Two years ago I was busy planning weekend bands to see. Sometimes several stops in a night.  

February 22nd changed all of that. 

--------------

20 months ago I was busy being in or auditioning for,  bands. 

October,  2019... Circling Buzzards 

Lasted until just after covid.

June, 2020... Silverback 

Lasted about a month 

August,  2020 auditioned for Barking Bonze... failed.

December,  2020... Route 95. We were to gig on 3/20. My stroke on 2/22 killed that band.

May, 2021... Muddy River Project.  Gig recovery killed me.

My band future depends on my strength and endurance building up.

-------------

 Now???

Roadies take all my energy. While Heather is still not bringing in money,  its all up to me. 

Recently,  I've begun thinking about selling my drum sets and returning to photography.  Strength and endurance play a part there too.

Time will tell 

Shifting sands

I'm starting to think social media has run its course.  While mogels like Mark zuckerbutt clamping down on free speech, I've seen real, lifelong friends leaving the antagonistic,  pro antifa, anti trump crowd that stifles free speech.  

Some go elsewhere,  more suitable to their tastes. Others yield to texting and meeting in person. 

I'm hoping that this is the beginning of the end of social media. 

blah

Yesterday night I went to barro de Mario's to watch Impulse. 

They were good. 

Saw Suzanne.  She told me why she left Facebook.  It was cuzbher ex is flaunting his new g/f. I understand that.  

Mario's was expensive.  Dinner was too. $40 for a hamburger and 4 beers. 

Perhaps that's why I'm so blah today. I feel down cuz I'm not in a band. I feel down cuz I missed fillmore east at Nashville Nights last night.  I feel down cuz all the fat women.  The only slim ones were 20 somethings and I realized I'm 3 times theor age. 

I'm realizing I'm old

Transitions

I've been alluding to changes I'm aware of. It's been occurring since my stroke.  

It's not just physical,  but also mental, psychological and emotional as well.  

My endurance is down. 

My breathing as well.

Physical strength is not as prevalent either. 

My desires have also shifted.  Post stroke,  I was gung ho to get back playing and gig again.  I accomplished that. Within a week after the gig, although my heart said yes, my body and mind had other ideas. Eventually,  I realized I didn't have the strength and endurance to do this yet. 

I had begun to contemplate selling some drum kits. I still may do it. 

I began restructuring my life. Got the van for deliveries,  and it's paying off!!!

Reconsidered going to gigs so far away. The sly fox on Wednesday was eye opening on many levels. Sommer and Klann were sheer perfection! But the sly fox crowd has changed.  It is no longer any fun. Neither the bands nor the crowd are entertaining me any more. 

Thats the gist of it too. It's been before covid that I really enjoyed myself watching a band. Perhaps it's because I've been in 3 since the 4th quarter of 2019. 4 if you include Silverback.  I may never play again, but it's altered my way of thinking. 

My life experiences have also tainted my view of women.  Prior to covid, I'd have flirted like hell with any girl, old or young, big or small.  

Now, I guard my comments around Suzanne Sohar, because she's grossly overweight.  I haven't seen Anita Jett since before covid,  and stopped communicating after I was told off. And, Dawn Lea Stricklin... has always flirted, but never committed.  And the last incident closed her chances permanently. 

Even though Heather is back with Randy and will be going away with him soon, I have lost all interest in pursuing myself a fling.  I think Lauren cured that for me permanently.  Women today are psycho!!

Another thing... I like my solitude.  Cities aren't for me.  Too peopley!

I prefer the countryside 

In closing,  I'm going through a transition. Who knows when or where I'll resurface agIn.

The foretold part 2

Well, a day late....

Went to the sly fox last night.  

While musically,  Sommer and Klann were perfection, and it was great seeing JD and Cy, the crowd was scant and my interest waned. Philly cheese and Bruce tried, and Phil and I talked drums, it was socially a flat evening. 

Just reminded me that my interest has changed  

Busy day, perhaps pt 1

I've been home since about 2:30. Heather is already gone.  Won't be back until Friday. 

Today's 2 day total is 201 and some change.  Been kicking ass, job wise. 379 goes in tomorrow from last week.  If I can maintain 350 per week,  that'll add 1400 per month income.  That's an additional 19600 per year.  

I can make do with that income. Heather doesn't contribute and won't have to.  

Like I said,  this may be part 1

Differences

Last week was a transition.  New vehicle to roadie with. Easily jumped ahead and had sort of a slow down to end at 379. 

I didn't go out Fri or Sat and didn't really miss it. I've closed the dawn chapter without too much remorse as well as other girl chapters. 

Heather is back with randy.  Wednesday she'll be gone 2 days,  and next week is going away with him for a few days when Sallie is at camp. 

I only know I've got to make money. So roadies at around 350 a week will net me 1400 per month.  That, plus ss at 1368 will bring in 2700ish per month , or 32,400 per year.  That's MIS money right there!

Keep plugging a few years and the nissan will be paid. 

It will take work, but it'll get done 

Dawn's phone

(330)696 7454

Feeling rejected??

I've been toying with isolation and without realizing it,  I've accomplished it.  

I wanted to go out tonight.  It was a perfect opportunity,  as Sallie was here,... but I was exhausted. 

I texted dawn to let her know I couldn't come out. The text I got back was allegedly from Keith wiley, to stay home and get better.  Either it was Keith... and if so, what's he doing with her phone? Or it was dawn,  acting to be Keith to throw me off. 

Decision one. Delete dawn. Just like Lauren.  

I was her playboy. Always was. 

Now to randy.  We've been texting and he said get well... don't lose the drum head, you never know....

Is he playing me? Fdont know...

Struggled month

Degenerative abilities 

Increased tiredness 

Bands avoiding me like the plague 

"Pride month"

Juneteenth becomes a federal holiday 

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???

This isn't my president

This isn't my congress

Therefore,  taxation without representation 

Time for a new Boston tea party,  but one more pertinent and would pass off congress. To hell with the rotten potato and the cackling magpie. Some form of tea party protest aimed at the congress.  One of their pet projects.  Something to rally around.

Oh well, I'm just a nobody with no ideas and I'm too old. That's why I turned off the news. It's all made up to mold Joe sixpack's ideas anyway 

Banner day... somewhat

New van. $106 day. I won't be able to do that every day,  but a couple times a week would be nice. As far as I  can guess,  the van will get about the same gas mileage as the rogue.

New floor mats and windshield wipers, plus washing fluid. My cell phone holder came.

I had mr hero for dinner.  Heather went out to dinner again with Gary tonight.  She came home only to tell me that Monday night when she spent it at Randy's,  she fucked him twice. 

I gotta find someone for me.  When this shit started 3 years ago,  I bought a drum set. Then cymbals.  Anything to make me feel better.  I need a companion 

New future

I've been rationalizing everything as of late. Truth be told,  I needed time off to just recoup. 

While I'd like to be in a band again,  the possibility of turning that page is real. I've played live in 3 bands. Knowing what I know now, Route 95 was never going to play out. The 3 of us had different agendas, in 3 different directions. I need a more like minded group to be in. 

Nowadays,  music isn't even that high on my list.  Work takes center stage.  To that end, today completed that and the ebay store.  I got a Ford transit cargo van to roadie and go picking with

Transitions

Two years ago I stopped photography.  The iPhone and rude people were the reasons. I still have 4 cameras. 

Almost 4 months ago I had a stroke,  which all but halted my return to drumming.  Although I joined a band,  practiced learning 60 songs in 3 weeks and played out, the resulting recovery was and is still going on. I still have 3 complete drum sets.  I hope to Play again in the future,  but that dream is faltering too.

I used to go out 2-3 times a week to see live music.  That has lost it's glimmer too. 

Maybe its because I've done it. It doesn't seem all that glamorous any more.  

Not the photography 

Not playing in a band 

Not watching bands.

They've all lost their shimmer.  

Late night road trips.

Rude crowds. 

Phoney people. 

The last few times I went out, I kept thinking,  I busted my ass to get here... why? Same goes for drumming,  or photography.  Why???

Now, work drives me. Target $300 per week.  Thats it. 

Declaration Day

6/10/21. 

After years of reflections, griefs about how I was left by Diana,  Cheryl's death,  Jude's 2 faced personality and Heather's multiple boyfriends,  I've decided that today is Declaration Day.

Sure, in many ways I was hurt by all listed above. It's time for them to stop hurting me. While being Declaration Day, the actual work will be done later,  in support of today's Declaration.

THESE WOMEN WON'T HURT ME ANYMORE!!!!

...and now to not let those prior defeats hurt me...

Revelation number... whatever

Today,  I learned that Heather is talking again to randy.  As a matter of fact,  she's spending next Monday night at his place because he is taking her to the clinic.  

Meanwhile,  she's bugging Gary for more money to buy a van. She dumped Jonathan from Pittsburgh and is playing the remaining 2.

I just don't know her. I never really knew her. 

My Spidey senses must have felt it though.  Just before I woke up this morning I was dreaming about being confronted by Sheri Horvath about what was going on between Mike and my "girlfriend". In that dream I was explaining that Heather and I weren't a couple since mid 2018. I explained about my E.D. starting in 2005, losing Diana,  Jude and Heather to their needs to be fucked. Cheryl and I weren't intimate the second time (2009-13), and then sheri wanted to know about  Heather's activities.  I said up to last August,  she was dating randy and booking Gary.  

It was a very realistic dream. Then Heather bombs me with the randy news. My clairvoyance has returned.  I KNEW!!

Oh well,  it's me and Dot again...

B

31 years ago tonight

There was a beer bash on the back deck at dellwood. I was 34. Working at Cuna Mutual. It was a good buzz. Mikey was born.  Mom had the girls. Little did I know that it wasn't the last.

29 years ago,  I had left handy andy, after being busted working 2 jobs. I knew my time was up at CMIG and was given a week off to reevaluate my job. 

The next few years were tough.  It was only in late 94 when my direction... and ultimately my marital future changed. 

But, at this time in 1990, it was Friday night and the party was on!

Well, I tried...

I tried out for 5 bands in the last 18 months. 

Circling Buzzards  +

Silverback + 

Barking  Bonze -

Route 95 +

Muddy River Project  +

Didn't make the cut with Barking Bonze... no loss. Didn't get far with Silverback.  Worked hardest with Route 95 but was cut short by my stroke.  Played out with the Circling Buzzards and Muddy River Project, who gave me 3 weeks - audition to gig. 

Reality is... I'm not that good.  And, post stroke,  my endurance and recovery time is nil.

But, I tried.  The future... ???... in doubt. The Muddy River Project is a blues band and wad supposed to be easier... NOT!

________________

I've resigned myself to roadies.  

I also tried to get a small cargo van to do roadies and estate sales. No dice either.  Too expensive,  despite my credit building. 

Onward.....

History starts repeating itself

This evening,  Heather had a dinner date with Gary.  The first in about 10 months.  She left here at 5:15 and didn't return until about 10:30. That's OK, I had a hero sandwich and some beers, watching the titans that built America on the history Channel. 

Then, the IMs start from Suzanne. I told her about Heather's date, and seeing other guys for 3 years. She started in saying I need a close friend and it could be her.  (Trying not to be mean), I again explained how I was damaged inside and not really looking to hook up. (While she's got pretty eyes and smile, I have no interest in a fat chick). I got out of the conversation shortly after that.

Settling in to watch the show again,  I got a call from Dawn.  First in a long time. We chatted for about an hour.  It was so nice, after I took Dot out,  I texted her thanking her for calling.  Her response was I'm impotent to her.  WOW!!!

I grew tired of fighting...

It started years ago.  

I grew tired of fighting....

With Nancy... every thing became a dig.... a way to remind me that I cheated.    So I left.

With Cheryl... every thing became jealousy over my kids, my past, my ex. So I left  

With Jude... every thing was an opportunity for a fight... so I shut down until she left. Then I left.

With Quality Title... everything was about Bill and Debbie. You couldn't have a life of your own, and wouldn't make any more money. So I left.

With MIS, every thing I did was wrong,  so I waited until I was 62, and then I retired... left.

With photography,  I got tired of rude, demanding people, and stopped competing against the instant freebie photographers, with iPhones... so I left 

With bands like the Buzzards (internal politics); 95 and MRP (stroke  and slow recovery); Silverback (smoking)... things I couldn't control... so I left.

Bottom line is,  I grew tired of fighting,  so I  left. 

Now, a new adventure begins... me on my own terms, photography and bands. Let's begin 

End of May

Today is 5/30/21. 

3 days until all covid restrictions are lifted. I'm already going maskless for a week now. 15 months of lockdown are coming to an  end. Feeling reflective. 

FACT: There was a virus 

 I've lost friends to it. But the CDC especially Fauci, USED it to change America,  as well as the direction rhe government has gone. 

FACT: It's changed me, my opinion on what's important,  and my belief in people. There IS still a strong resistance to the vaccine. There were no clinclinical trials and about 60% of the front line are opposed to getting it. 

My stroke has changed me as well.  Strength and endurance are gone. My desire to play the drums remains,  but my experiences have shaped what I want to play.  

The Buzzards taught me that 4 different guys from 4 different backgrounds can't make a unified presentation or direction.

Silverback had a scattered direction that was unified between the two of them. I didn't hit hard enough for them yet, but their smoking cut me short.

Route 95 showed me that my  confidence can grow and there was a more unified direction,  even comeoderie that formed.  The musical direction was more up my alley. Had I  not been working First American,  I might not have had the stroke.

The Muddy River Project started out light, blues related, and then changed. In 3 weeks,  I went from audition to crash learning course, to collapse of everything after the gig. Pay far exceeded my expectations  but the demands on my body outweighed the benefits.  Plus, Pink Floyd??? All the Robin Trower.?? Ultimately,  my collapse was more mental than physical. I was NEVER going to get thr Trower and other bands stops.

I thought of quitting drumming after I let the word out. NOPE!

Gonna try again. In a more relaxed environment with a much more compatible genre.

Friends: Many went by the wayside. Some were shockers. Others predictable. GROUPS  of people became much less important.  The east side crowd for example: Vogrins, Yermans and respective crowds seemed irrelevant; many of the west siders also: Sosinski, Horvath and respective groups. The photography groups and clingons; as a matter of fact,  most all of my former customers for photography suddenly became irrelevant. 

The one thing I DO like is my solitude.  Been thinking about further south again. And this time,  there are even fewer things to hold me back.

Yes, it's been a productive,  yet turbulent 15 months

 

Reality Check Bounced

Today was May 28th. 

And that's about it. 

Today I notified the guys that I wasn't able to keep up with the band.  In truth,  I DID accomplish more in less time than I thought.  After the stroke,  my goal was 6 months from March 1st. That would be September 1st to start auditioning. I beat that goal all to hell!

Played out 5/22 and was paid $165 for 4 hours.  But my body rebelled. BIG TIME!

They're doing the 6/11 gig with a fill in. 

I suspect I'll play again. 

But that stop short blues wasn't something I was going to pick up soon enough for Jack.

So early this morning I pulled down my bandmix page (how jack found me). I altered my fb page removing all band references,  changed my header and profile.

On one hand, im sad.on the other,  relieved.  But, I did it. I publicly gigged a paying gig again.  Now to recover and move forward. 

Reality Check

Wednesday,  May 26th 

4 days since the gig.

Today, I ventured out, driving 2 roadies alone. It was my first ventures out since a brief store trip Sunday.  

While gigging would be great,  I fear I'm not 100% enough to load in, gig and load out  after a 4 hour set. 

Whereas roadies are at my choice, my schedule,  and make me weekly money. 

I may have to retire from gigging.  I'll let the guys know about my concerns.  See how the next 2 weeks go,  and take it from there.

1st step

Yesterday was huge.

Exactly 3 months after my stroke,  and e weeks after joining the band, I played my first gig.

That's a HUGE step.

Even just 2 months ago,  i wasn't even in a band.  I was barely functional enough to drive roadies.  I thought my gig playing days misfired and I was done before I got started.  Not true!

I ache. Fatigued.  But survived.  

4 hour, 4 set gig. $150 pay. Not bad since my last paying gig was March 16th 1974 for $20. The last time I played out was February 29, 2020, playing a set for free. Covid killed the follow up gig 2 days before it was scheduled. 

The Buzzards made it further than Route 95. The Buzzards played out.Route 95 was a glorified garage band, complete with pot and beer.

With the Muddy River Project,  I came into a working band. There was a 6 year history gigging. 

Lesson learned.  Mountain scaled. Now the learning starts!

But take a sore moment to bask in the accomplishment. 

Review... so far

Turbulent year.  

2nd band in 5 months,  stroke ends a job and a band on the same day. 

Facebook bots end my old profile and a new one starts on 5/4. 

Reflections are many.  What's important changed. I thought with Ohio's end of masks and restrictions effective 6/2. the party was ON!... NOPE

Not only have I changed,but so has society.  Now the masters are pushing as vaxers. You won't be able to travel abroad,  go to Disney,  go to certain events without showing your vaccine passport.

Which is in conflict with hipaa laws. It's fucked up. 

Then, women-folk.

I am still feeling gaslight by Lauren's ghosting last year. I did not re-friend her with my new profile. But What's worse,  I realized I was also ghosted by Suzanne Sohar last year as well. She was on me like white on rice and then poof. Same with dawn from Nashville Nights.  What is this phenomenon?? It's almost like a one night stand flirtation and poof. 

I give up in that department!

Last pre gig practice

I'm exhausted.  Yet proud.  I made it through 4 sets

  

Sure, I'm tired,  but, I made it. Saturday's load in is at 11:00 AM. Hig starts at 12.

The guys seem happy.  

But, I made it!!

And, Saturday marks my 3 month anniversary of my stroke 

Another milestone to put behind me 

In a few short hours...

In a few short hours,  it will be 40 years ago I first got married. 40 FUCKING years!

A lot has happened since then. I could rehash everything  now but I won't.  Almost all of it is downfall after downfall. 

I shouldn't have gotten married then. I shouldn't have been a father,  especially 4 times!

I shouldn't have involved myself with the Mitchell crowd.

The stumbling blocks built one trap after another for me and I blasted through them all. 

Then, when I was divorced,  I shouldn't have done it all again.  The best feeling relationship seemed to be Diana,  for about 3 1/2 years.  Even that crumbled.  So did subsequent relationships.  

Jude shouldn't have happened.  She was a rebound from Shari Equist, who shouldn't have happened either.  Heather was an unwanted experiment to see if I could still get it up.

Lately,  extensive flirtation from Lauren,  then Dawn, then Suzanne,  have lead me to believe that I am hopeless.  

Floodgates.

Since starting up with MRP on 5/1/21, and the changeover from my old profile at Farcebook on 5/4/21, several things occurred. 

1. I'm down 300 FB friends and some that friended me aren't the same as before, some can't be re-friended because about 40 of them are dead.  Case in point, Jen Oddo from MIS committed suicide in 2019. 

2. There seems to be a sudden change in my attitude about going out. Time was, I was out every night watching another band,  but that's changed. I don't want to go out any more.  Anyone nights i do, I'm home early anyway.  

3. Sudden memories flooding in.... Jude or Diana being case in point. The other night,  I was building a child playhouse and Gary was assisting. These could also be concerns because Jude or premonitions even, due to MRP. Who knows?

March 15, 2020 to June 2, 2021

444 days under seige. Masked, politically stifled, and sequestered. 

Deweenie lifted all restrictions effective June 2, 2021. How utterly nice of him!  Now, get the hell out of office!!