It's been a while since I have written anything meaningful. After writing this - it still may be that way.
It's in the final third of December in 2010.
Reflections of this year - this decade - and more - are in abundance.
If in reflection I find a positive spin, for example: I've learned something with each and every relationship, each and every day; then I have no regrets.
If in reflection I find "What If's"; then regrets and self doubt will follow, as will depression.
Perhaps I HAVE learned something of life. In that respect, then there are no regrets and no wasted time. In each relationship; each event; each friendship and each parting I have learned more about myself.
My past is my past. Period.
It is the path that got me here.
There are always options in life, but there are no Re-Do's, so why should I spin my wheels regretting decisions?
Perhaps I have learned something....
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
There are those philosophers who claim that an idea comes to you as a complete thought, and reveals itself to you slowly.
Sometimes I think those philosophers are the ones taking the good drugs.
None the less, MY prophetic moment for today came while I was playing poppit! at Pogo.
I had wondered - for a long time - what made the "good times" good.
Suddenly, during a super-pop, it hit me.
While reflecting upon the thought, it occurred that what made the good times good was what was happening, whether with company or not.
What made the First Yogi Bear camp out so great was that it was the FIRST Yogi Bear camp out. All subsequent Yogi Bear camp outs paled in comparison except when we jumbled up the campers. What made the Salt Fork Camp out so great in 1979 was that it was the FIRST of it's nature. What made the Bean Story camp out so great wasn't my puking my guts out, but rather the circumstances that culminated to lead to it. All other deep woods camp outs paled by comparison.
What made the cousins campout memorable is that it had never been done before.
What made the pond expansion/yard make-over at Diana's so grand s that we were both newbies at that scale of construction.
What made the pool rebuild in 1983 so incredible was that I did it myself - ALONE.
The insane fun we had at the 2002 4th of July vacation/campout. Subsequent others certainly paled as well...
The trials of the job are at first, a thorn in the side - but then become the memories of a lifetime.
FIRSTS
SOMETHING NEW
These are what make the good times GREAT.
NOT the amount of alcohol consumed (As in the mis-fits campout; ANY Clar-Mar campout; or the wall-to wall cases of Miller in the back of Gary's truck for the Salt Fork camp out).
I wonder if it's even possible to imagine that there might still be something new to do that would make some memorable times....
Sometimes I think those philosophers are the ones taking the good drugs.
None the less, MY prophetic moment for today came while I was playing poppit! at Pogo.
I had wondered - for a long time - what made the "good times" good.
Suddenly, during a super-pop, it hit me.
While reflecting upon the thought, it occurred that what made the good times good was what was happening, whether with company or not.
What made the First Yogi Bear camp out so great was that it was the FIRST Yogi Bear camp out. All subsequent Yogi Bear camp outs paled in comparison except when we jumbled up the campers. What made the Salt Fork Camp out so great in 1979 was that it was the FIRST of it's nature. What made the Bean Story camp out so great wasn't my puking my guts out, but rather the circumstances that culminated to lead to it. All other deep woods camp outs paled by comparison.
What made the cousins campout memorable is that it had never been done before.
What made the pond expansion/yard make-over at Diana's so grand s that we were both newbies at that scale of construction.
What made the pool rebuild in 1983 so incredible was that I did it myself - ALONE.
The insane fun we had at the 2002 4th of July vacation/campout. Subsequent others certainly paled as well...
The trials of the job are at first, a thorn in the side - but then become the memories of a lifetime.
FIRSTS
SOMETHING NEW
These are what make the good times GREAT.
NOT the amount of alcohol consumed (As in the mis-fits campout; ANY Clar-Mar campout; or the wall-to wall cases of Miller in the back of Gary's truck for the Salt Fork camp out).
I wonder if it's even possible to imagine that there might still be something new to do that would make some memorable times....
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A moment of reflection
Today is a beautiful Autumn Sunday of 72 degrees. The sun is shining and what remains of the Autumnal foliage shows brightly despite the lowering angle of sunlight.
In a moment of reflection at lunch, I glimpsed a memory of yesteryear. A thought entered my brain.
I wonder if she ever has these same moments... a sudden flashback... a sudden heart pang... a sudden reflection of past sorrow....
Thankfully, time heals all wounds.
I am also thankful for the late Uncle Chuck's words:
Today is a beautiful Autumn Sunday of 72 degrees. The sun is shining and what remains of the Autumnal foliage shows brightly despite the lowering angle of sunlight.
In a moment of reflection at lunch, I glimpsed a memory of yesteryear. A thought entered my brain.
I wonder if she ever has these same moments... a sudden flashback... a sudden heart pang... a sudden reflection of past sorrow....
Thankfully, time heals all wounds.
I am also thankful for the late Uncle Chuck's words:
There comes a time in your life when you realize
Who matters
Who never did
Who won't any more
And who always will...
So don't worry about people from your past,
There's a reason they didn't make it to your future
Still...
Being human, one still can't help but play the "what if" game.... and wondering what would have happened if history would have played itself out differently...
Being human, one still can't help but play the "what if" game.... and wondering what would have happened if history would have played itself out differently...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Funny - but I've seen it all before...
It seems like the calm before the storm.
Maybe it's the lull after the storm...
Maybe it's just the eye of the hurricane!
My aggressive marketing may have finally been the undoing of me.
My months used to have business cycles within them.
Recently, however, as the economy down turned and I stepped up my marketing, I latched onto a great account that kept me very busy for the better part of the last 2 months.
It enabled me to catch up on bills I never thought I'd catch up on.
I'm now on the precipice of gaining ground and then... just as it mushroomed.... the business has disappeared. This has been the slowest week in 2 months time.
Perhaps it's the lull following the storm.
Or, maybe the eye of the hurricane...
Or maybe it's the fact that Christmas season's on the horizon and people are hoarding their cash and/or their equity.
Time will tell
It seems like the calm before the storm.
Maybe it's the lull after the storm...
Maybe it's just the eye of the hurricane!
My aggressive marketing may have finally been the undoing of me.
My months used to have business cycles within them.
Recently, however, as the economy down turned and I stepped up my marketing, I latched onto a great account that kept me very busy for the better part of the last 2 months.
It enabled me to catch up on bills I never thought I'd catch up on.
I'm now on the precipice of gaining ground and then... just as it mushroomed.... the business has disappeared. This has been the slowest week in 2 months time.
Perhaps it's the lull following the storm.
Or, maybe the eye of the hurricane...
Or maybe it's the fact that Christmas season's on the horizon and people are hoarding their cash and/or their equity.
Time will tell
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Winter Approaches
As Autumn creeps by, the subtle hint of a much colder temperature lingers on the horizon. Being chilled to the bone will be much more of an existance as time marches forward. Slower movements become the norm as blanket weather harkens. I had Wendy's Chili for lunch and LOVED it!
Meanwhile, the one-time clock's ticking fades into oblivion. Echoes from my past reserect into my sub-conscious as today's events play out before me, in one last ditch effort to remind me of heartaches gone by. Issues that were once a great part of my life are increasingly non existant. My once crystal clear viewport of the past is gradually clouding over as time's page has turned once again. A path I once thought I might have once taken - and even though of returning to - fades as the future unvails itself.
Work consumes me to the point of exclusion of all else.
THIS path is full of activity with little more than nominal monetary gain - but a gain, none the less.
I am neither depressed nor impressed with this present direction, as long as it pays the bills. I would usually end this with something ominous as "time will tell"... but here's a twist: I don't recognize what I have become. While that could be detrimental, it may also be perceived as good.
Reasons for my past's actions and motivations that once drove me are increasingly unimportant. Being busy is making me money - and while I am not getting rich, I am almost caught up on my bills due to the past 5 months' barren period.... recovery my ass!!!
As Autumn creeps by, the subtle hint of a much colder temperature lingers on the horizon. Being chilled to the bone will be much more of an existance as time marches forward. Slower movements become the norm as blanket weather harkens. I had Wendy's Chili for lunch and LOVED it!
Meanwhile, the one-time clock's ticking fades into oblivion. Echoes from my past reserect into my sub-conscious as today's events play out before me, in one last ditch effort to remind me of heartaches gone by. Issues that were once a great part of my life are increasingly non existant. My once crystal clear viewport of the past is gradually clouding over as time's page has turned once again. A path I once thought I might have once taken - and even though of returning to - fades as the future unvails itself.
Work consumes me to the point of exclusion of all else.
THIS path is full of activity with little more than nominal monetary gain - but a gain, none the less.
I am neither depressed nor impressed with this present direction, as long as it pays the bills. I would usually end this with something ominous as "time will tell"... but here's a twist: I don't recognize what I have become. While that could be detrimental, it may also be perceived as good.
Reasons for my past's actions and motivations that once drove me are increasingly unimportant. Being busy is making me money - and while I am not getting rich, I am almost caught up on my bills due to the past 5 months' barren period.... recovery my ass!!!
Monday, September 27, 2010
GOALS
Ever since I can remember, I always attained what ever it was that I focused my mind on. Clear back to grade school, when I focused, I excelled. Whether it be reports, junior Olympics, drums, forts, trails through the woods and so on. When I became an adult, I excelled at various jobs because I made it happen in my mind. It could have been projects around the house, career choices, and ultimately the money I chased finally found me.
That seemed to change just prior to the turn of the century and my first divorce, bankruptcy and foreclosure. Since then, I have been like a stumbling hurdle jumper - continuously falling further back in the pack.
Why is this?
Was I better focused upon my goals as a child?
Was the ultimate failure of my marriage the downfall of my career and creditworthyness?
Are the goals now different?
Well, perhaps ALL are true.
Clearly, the goals ARE different. Yes, I do believe that the drive behind a man can be interwoven with his family's success, his career's successes and his abilities to grow an empire through credit and accumulation of wealth. And most simply - YES - due to the simplicity of youthful life, I was more proportionally focused as a child.
And yet, I have failed a number of times - at all of the above - in the last 12 years or so.
Hence the stumbling hurdle jumper analogy. Some success has transpired and yet it was also interwoven with an equal number of failures. Personal relationships have spiralled downward for me the most. It is there that all previous failures are reminders of the temporary-ness of today's disposable relationships.
Career-wise, I have grown into an anomaly of something I could have never pictured - nor sought out to become. In other words, the beaten path of this career is non-existent and the only reason I succeed is due to diligence and my own independence. In this regard, I place myself in the top 1% of America's working people, as I really don't care what others think... I am the best at what I do.
If anything, I find myself a victim of my own mind's willingness to play the "WHAT IF" game. What if I did this?... or that?... or said this?.... or that? Would things be different? Would I feel happier?
Since hindsight seems to be 20/20, (although even then not 100% of the time), historical analysts as myself often seem to find comfort in their respective paths through analysis of how they got there. Were the decisions faulty? Was it a "knee-jerk" reaction, or a thoughtful analysis?
The exception of course is death. Although inevitable, it also seems to be a cornerstone of events in my life. Each of my parent's deaths were followed by my changing jobs/careers. Ultimately they also were followed by a change of residence and a change in responsibilities. Each of my parents' deaths were followed by 2 jobs - the second of which became quite stable. But now that's where the similarities ended.
Relationships for me have always been their fragilest at the thought of cheating. Although the thought never bothered me for most of my 1st marriage, once the specter had entered the picture, it seemed that the marriage was over, despite it lingering in agony for both of us for 5 years after the fact.
My second marriage was riddled with trust issues. Almost all of it would be dispelled 8 years following the divorce, but the damage was done for that time and place. Since then, we reconciled after each of us had other relationships, and now any issues between us are more transitional issues as sex is no longer desired by either of us. We now have hallway sex - telling each other fuck you as we pass in the hall. There a a multitude of other issues that at this time I am ignoring because they're only issues if you plan on staying together.
My emotional echoes from my 3rd relationship may very well haunt me for some time. She was very sexually independent and experimental. She also never had a marriage or any other relationship go for longer than 7 years. Her nature is cyclical and fickle, (not my words - but the words of 3 others who knew her for a long time). Her tales of her sexual triumphs were the fodder for many of our early conversations and her promiscuity was flaunted regularly, (specifically a one-night stand conquest of a cabana boy in the Dominican Republic that had her own mother bragging as much as 4 or 5 years later).
Looking back, I thought that she was "the one" many a time - and I also see the seeds of each of our jealousies as the ultimate parting of our ways. In many regards, I find myself increasingly thinking of her as a lengthy one-night stand rather than a committed relationship. Her numerous flirtations with classmates and the band at the reunion; her intenet friends at a Buffy convention and her final straw - going out of state to spend a 3 day weekend (apart for the first time in 6+ years) with another man she met on line.... well, I was done. I didn't "knee-jerk", but rather thought about it for a week before I broke things off. I knew in my own heart that I could not endure that - especially since it had been over 3 years for sex and knowing her promiscuity, figured it was for the best.
Then, there was the alcohol.
Not realizing I was damaging my liver, I attempted to keep up with her when she drank (sometimes 4 bottles of Khalua per weekend). It affected everything from my sexual prowess to my blood pressure, to gout, to my liver enzymes which a mere 3 months following the break up, were 3 times the normal limit. I quit drinking. Also, since I was no longer around a smoker (plus no longer drinking) I suddenly was taking almost NO sinus meds and no ibuprofin.
There HAS been an UP side to the break up..... .... but back to GOALS. With #3, there were no goals... just an animal instinct like lust.
I now have no goals for relationships in my life.
I NEVER thought I would have kids.
I NEVER thought I would get married.
I had ALWAYS thought of myself as inheriting the family's house in North Royalton.
I had ALWAYS thought as seeing myself as independently wealthy yet had no specific course on how to get there.
NONE of that happened.
What does that say about my own ability to stay on task and achieve my goals?
I STILL envision myself alone - living alone - at a ripe old age.
Perhaps that is my ultimate goal...???
Ever since I can remember, I always attained what ever it was that I focused my mind on. Clear back to grade school, when I focused, I excelled. Whether it be reports, junior Olympics, drums, forts, trails through the woods and so on. When I became an adult, I excelled at various jobs because I made it happen in my mind. It could have been projects around the house, career choices, and ultimately the money I chased finally found me.
That seemed to change just prior to the turn of the century and my first divorce, bankruptcy and foreclosure. Since then, I have been like a stumbling hurdle jumper - continuously falling further back in the pack.
Why is this?
Was I better focused upon my goals as a child?
Was the ultimate failure of my marriage the downfall of my career and creditworthyness?
Are the goals now different?
Well, perhaps ALL are true.
Clearly, the goals ARE different. Yes, I do believe that the drive behind a man can be interwoven with his family's success, his career's successes and his abilities to grow an empire through credit and accumulation of wealth. And most simply - YES - due to the simplicity of youthful life, I was more proportionally focused as a child.
And yet, I have failed a number of times - at all of the above - in the last 12 years or so.
Hence the stumbling hurdle jumper analogy. Some success has transpired and yet it was also interwoven with an equal number of failures. Personal relationships have spiralled downward for me the most. It is there that all previous failures are reminders of the temporary-ness of today's disposable relationships.
Career-wise, I have grown into an anomaly of something I could have never pictured - nor sought out to become. In other words, the beaten path of this career is non-existent and the only reason I succeed is due to diligence and my own independence. In this regard, I place myself in the top 1% of America's working people, as I really don't care what others think... I am the best at what I do.
If anything, I find myself a victim of my own mind's willingness to play the "WHAT IF" game. What if I did this?... or that?... or said this?.... or that? Would things be different? Would I feel happier?
Since hindsight seems to be 20/20, (although even then not 100% of the time), historical analysts as myself often seem to find comfort in their respective paths through analysis of how they got there. Were the decisions faulty? Was it a "knee-jerk" reaction, or a thoughtful analysis?
The exception of course is death. Although inevitable, it also seems to be a cornerstone of events in my life. Each of my parent's deaths were followed by my changing jobs/careers. Ultimately they also were followed by a change of residence and a change in responsibilities. Each of my parents' deaths were followed by 2 jobs - the second of which became quite stable. But now that's where the similarities ended.
Relationships for me have always been their fragilest at the thought of cheating. Although the thought never bothered me for most of my 1st marriage, once the specter had entered the picture, it seemed that the marriage was over, despite it lingering in agony for both of us for 5 years after the fact.
My second marriage was riddled with trust issues. Almost all of it would be dispelled 8 years following the divorce, but the damage was done for that time and place. Since then, we reconciled after each of us had other relationships, and now any issues between us are more transitional issues as sex is no longer desired by either of us. We now have hallway sex - telling each other fuck you as we pass in the hall. There a a multitude of other issues that at this time I am ignoring because they're only issues if you plan on staying together.
My emotional echoes from my 3rd relationship may very well haunt me for some time. She was very sexually independent and experimental. She also never had a marriage or any other relationship go for longer than 7 years. Her nature is cyclical and fickle, (not my words - but the words of 3 others who knew her for a long time). Her tales of her sexual triumphs were the fodder for many of our early conversations and her promiscuity was flaunted regularly, (specifically a one-night stand conquest of a cabana boy in the Dominican Republic that had her own mother bragging as much as 4 or 5 years later).
Looking back, I thought that she was "the one" many a time - and I also see the seeds of each of our jealousies as the ultimate parting of our ways. In many regards, I find myself increasingly thinking of her as a lengthy one-night stand rather than a committed relationship. Her numerous flirtations with classmates and the band at the reunion; her intenet friends at a Buffy convention and her final straw - going out of state to spend a 3 day weekend (apart for the first time in 6+ years) with another man she met on line.... well, I was done. I didn't "knee-jerk", but rather thought about it for a week before I broke things off. I knew in my own heart that I could not endure that - especially since it had been over 3 years for sex and knowing her promiscuity, figured it was for the best.
Then, there was the alcohol.
Not realizing I was damaging my liver, I attempted to keep up with her when she drank (sometimes 4 bottles of Khalua per weekend). It affected everything from my sexual prowess to my blood pressure, to gout, to my liver enzymes which a mere 3 months following the break up, were 3 times the normal limit. I quit drinking. Also, since I was no longer around a smoker (plus no longer drinking) I suddenly was taking almost NO sinus meds and no ibuprofin.
There HAS been an UP side to the break up..... .... but back to GOALS. With #3, there were no goals... just an animal instinct like lust.
I now have no goals for relationships in my life.
I NEVER thought I would have kids.
I NEVER thought I would get married.
I had ALWAYS thought of myself as inheriting the family's house in North Royalton.
I had ALWAYS thought as seeing myself as independently wealthy yet had no specific course on how to get there.
NONE of that happened.
What does that say about my own ability to stay on task and achieve my goals?
I STILL envision myself alone - living alone - at a ripe old age.
Perhaps that is my ultimate goal...???
Sunday, September 26, 2010
REALIZATIONS
More often than I care to admit, I spend time occupying myself with pursuits which seem as folly.
When I was young, I hadn't much of a care except being accepted by others.
When I was 25, I started dating someone much younger and - at the beckoning of one of my employers - promptly proposed - and a mere 16 months later was married.
When I was was married - many of my previous pursuits were set aside in lieu of the pursuit of money.
When I divorced, I substituted one hell on earth for another and remarried.
Another divorce and then family took precedence again.
When I resurfaced, I met someone with many of the same interests - or so I thought.
When six years had passed, familiarity had bred contempt. Alcohol had blurred the attraction and two once inseparable people had completely nothing in common. When I sobered up, it was a realization that I had done most of this to myself.
Alcohol had dominated my life. It made the bands I viewed seem better. It made the jokes we shared more enjoyable. It made the entirety of my life seem less burdensome. It made me sick.
Flash forward two years.
Through the medical care, the gout, hypertension and liver enzyme problem have all been eliminated.
The heartaches still haunt me because she lost interest and sought excitement elsewhere.
The remorse of pursuits dropped for a multitude of reasons and now recognized as having a potential to have been life shaping.
The recognition that I no longer need the crutch of beer and how much of my life was squandered drinking, when I could have had a completely different life path.
REALIZATIONS....
Maybe it's not too late
More often than I care to admit, I spend time occupying myself with pursuits which seem as folly.
When I was young, I hadn't much of a care except being accepted by others.
When I was 25, I started dating someone much younger and - at the beckoning of one of my employers - promptly proposed - and a mere 16 months later was married.
When I was was married - many of my previous pursuits were set aside in lieu of the pursuit of money.
When I divorced, I substituted one hell on earth for another and remarried.
Another divorce and then family took precedence again.
When I resurfaced, I met someone with many of the same interests - or so I thought.
When six years had passed, familiarity had bred contempt. Alcohol had blurred the attraction and two once inseparable people had completely nothing in common. When I sobered up, it was a realization that I had done most of this to myself.
Alcohol had dominated my life. It made the bands I viewed seem better. It made the jokes we shared more enjoyable. It made the entirety of my life seem less burdensome. It made me sick.
Flash forward two years.
Through the medical care, the gout, hypertension and liver enzyme problem have all been eliminated.
The heartaches still haunt me because she lost interest and sought excitement elsewhere.
The remorse of pursuits dropped for a multitude of reasons and now recognized as having a potential to have been life shaping.
The recognition that I no longer need the crutch of beer and how much of my life was squandered drinking, when I could have had a completely different life path.
REALIZATIONS....
Maybe it's not too late
Thursday, September 23, 2010
You're kiddin' me, right?
Doesn't really matter what this blog's about.... Who cares, really?
Change is inevitable.
Not oblama's change... he's a friggin' socialist and I'm not.
____________________________________
I'm speaking directly toward personal direction, here.
I no longer see myself as a part of anyone's life specifically.
What does that mean?
Women in my life have just become a temporary - for the moment - appendage.
In other words, there may be a time in my life when I would desire the company of a woman - and for the rest of the time - naught.
Another change will be coming soon.
Perhaps it is the part 2 I foresaw back in October, 2008, when I was last free from the pressures to change or transform. (You know... the old "I Love You... Now Change" mentality of women-folk). This change will involve a more detailed departure from the internet - specifically... my website.
Tick...tick...tick...
I'm now on the clock.
Doesn't really matter what this blog's about.... Who cares, really?
Change is inevitable.
Not oblama's change... he's a friggin' socialist and I'm not.
____________________________________
I'm speaking directly toward personal direction, here.
I no longer see myself as a part of anyone's life specifically.
What does that mean?
Women in my life have just become a temporary - for the moment - appendage.
In other words, there may be a time in my life when I would desire the company of a woman - and for the rest of the time - naught.
Another change will be coming soon.
Perhaps it is the part 2 I foresaw back in October, 2008, when I was last free from the pressures to change or transform. (You know... the old "I Love You... Now Change" mentality of women-folk). This change will involve a more detailed departure from the internet - specifically... my website.
Tick...tick...tick...
I'm now on the clock.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Weirdness Abounds
It's been over 2 years.
Enough is enough! Yet, my subconscious must not yet be ready to let go.
Just when I am getting accustomed to my life as it has become, I have a VIVID dream. There's a whole lot of people over at my mom's house. Many of the "scenes" in the dream depict a combination of the "Turn-around Picnic" that we had when I was a kid of about 10 and an old southern "tea" social in the front yard of our house as well as one scene between the houses of Moffat's and Phillips', across the street. There ARE some people in complete garb with the time - specifically, the frilly whoop skirts similar to those depicted in "Gone With The Wind".
In my dream, I "see" Diana, my ex-girlfriend, across the street, as I am emerging from the woods. It doesn't seem odd to me - to be emerging from the woods - because I was often playing in the woods as a kid. It is quite apparent to me that Diana wants to speak with me as she keeps following me as I make my way towards my front yard and the activities there.
The really weird part is that both mom and dad are there - complete with old southern garb - and I knew for a fact within the confines of my dream - that they were already dead. At that moment, when the realization hit that they were already dead, the images of mom, dad - even Mrs Moffat - seemed to disappear from the story, although I KNEW that they were still there, somewhere.
Diana approached and as always in a dream - I was unable to get away. She asked how I was doing, told me she had a boyfriend out of state and that she'd like to see me again. I told her "no thanks", I was back with Cheryl and she said she knew because she already talked with Cheryl - pointing over to a smiling, waving Cheryl..., and that she'd still wanted to "see" me sometime. There were sexual relationship overtones to her words.
______________________________________________________
The shock woke me up and all at once the memory became a photograph in my mind. With the awakening, the images of the deceased people in the dream faded to black and white and the question of "WHY?" plagued me for the rest of this day.
WHY...
...after over 2 years did I dream of her again?
...was Cheryl cordial and not venemous?
...didn't I run back into the woods and go build a fort!?!?!?
Friggin Subconscious needs an off switch!
At this rate, I'll NEVER get any peaceful sleep.
It's been over 2 years.
Enough is enough! Yet, my subconscious must not yet be ready to let go.
Just when I am getting accustomed to my life as it has become, I have a VIVID dream. There's a whole lot of people over at my mom's house. Many of the "scenes" in the dream depict a combination of the "Turn-around Picnic" that we had when I was a kid of about 10 and an old southern "tea" social in the front yard of our house as well as one scene between the houses of Moffat's and Phillips', across the street. There ARE some people in complete garb with the time - specifically, the frilly whoop skirts similar to those depicted in "Gone With The Wind".
In my dream, I "see" Diana, my ex-girlfriend, across the street, as I am emerging from the woods. It doesn't seem odd to me - to be emerging from the woods - because I was often playing in the woods as a kid. It is quite apparent to me that Diana wants to speak with me as she keeps following me as I make my way towards my front yard and the activities there.
The really weird part is that both mom and dad are there - complete with old southern garb - and I knew for a fact within the confines of my dream - that they were already dead. At that moment, when the realization hit that they were already dead, the images of mom, dad - even Mrs Moffat - seemed to disappear from the story, although I KNEW that they were still there, somewhere.
Diana approached and as always in a dream - I was unable to get away. She asked how I was doing, told me she had a boyfriend out of state and that she'd like to see me again. I told her "no thanks", I was back with Cheryl and she said she knew because she already talked with Cheryl - pointing over to a smiling, waving Cheryl..., and that she'd still wanted to "see" me sometime. There were sexual relationship overtones to her words.
______________________________________________________
The shock woke me up and all at once the memory became a photograph in my mind. With the awakening, the images of the deceased people in the dream faded to black and white and the question of "WHY?" plagued me for the rest of this day.
WHY...
...after over 2 years did I dream of her again?
...was Cheryl cordial and not venemous?
...didn't I run back into the woods and go build a fort!?!?!?
Friggin Subconscious needs an off switch!
At this rate, I'll NEVER get any peaceful sleep.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Hindsight is more than 20/20
I just re-read a couple dozen of my recent posts.
In a great many of my predictions, I was SPOT ON!
My apartment is now down-sized;
My bills are as reduced as possible;
My child support now extinguished;
My past - it's pursuits - it's dreams - all in the past;
My former romantic pursuits were parts of my past - but as Uncle Chuck once said - they didn't survive, because they weren't relevent to my path. What do I mean? Well... the mother to my kids actually held me back - professionally and artistic pursuits-wise - in favor af the "Joe Sixpack" 9-5 mentality. She never understood sales, yet loved the benefits of the sucess when it finally arrived. She could never understand the reality of a budget and eventually altered my budgetary course through the use of GUILT. The financial ruin that consumed us resulted in a financial collapse of about $250,000 in debt.
My former girlfriend - whom I met on Yahoo Personals - and then lost to suspician of internet philandering - was never really my girlfriend at all. She and I were a relationship of convenience for each of us - and that's about it. After the learning process about each other died, so did the romance. Familiarity bred contempt and alcohol abuse ensued on both our parts. I simply could endure no more sniping between us.
My present girlfriend and former 2nd ex - well, while she did change a bit for the better - she has also reminded me of "under the surface issues" that are still there. However, I too, have changed. I ignore her rants and refuse the drama.
My kids...
I still see and hear from Jessica about twice a year. Nothing there has changed. With Erica, things aren't really changed either, as I still get phone call updates from her. Michael and James stopped visitng about a year ago. That freed me up to reduce the size of my rent by downsizing. These two have been the biggest disappointment as they were with me the longest - every other weekend - from 2001 onward.
Employment ...
Has been sparse this summer. While I see a subtle surge NOW... it's NOT what is needed to survive. While I can see myself doing this for the rest of my life, I can't forsee the interim time... the time between here - and ten years from now.
Shortly - I can see turbulence and unrest across the board. Personal as well as National. I need to work harder on myself.
BEWARE!
The Future is opening the door - whether you invited him or not!
I just re-read a couple dozen of my recent posts.
In a great many of my predictions, I was SPOT ON!
My apartment is now down-sized;
My bills are as reduced as possible;
My child support now extinguished;
My past - it's pursuits - it's dreams - all in the past;
My former romantic pursuits were parts of my past - but as Uncle Chuck once said - they didn't survive, because they weren't relevent to my path. What do I mean? Well... the mother to my kids actually held me back - professionally and artistic pursuits-wise - in favor af the "Joe Sixpack" 9-5 mentality. She never understood sales, yet loved the benefits of the sucess when it finally arrived. She could never understand the reality of a budget and eventually altered my budgetary course through the use of GUILT. The financial ruin that consumed us resulted in a financial collapse of about $250,000 in debt.
My former girlfriend - whom I met on Yahoo Personals - and then lost to suspician of internet philandering - was never really my girlfriend at all. She and I were a relationship of convenience for each of us - and that's about it. After the learning process about each other died, so did the romance. Familiarity bred contempt and alcohol abuse ensued on both our parts. I simply could endure no more sniping between us.
My present girlfriend and former 2nd ex - well, while she did change a bit for the better - she has also reminded me of "under the surface issues" that are still there. However, I too, have changed. I ignore her rants and refuse the drama.
My kids...
I still see and hear from Jessica about twice a year. Nothing there has changed. With Erica, things aren't really changed either, as I still get phone call updates from her. Michael and James stopped visitng about a year ago. That freed me up to reduce the size of my rent by downsizing. These two have been the biggest disappointment as they were with me the longest - every other weekend - from 2001 onward.
Employment ...
Has been sparse this summer. While I see a subtle surge NOW... it's NOT what is needed to survive. While I can see myself doing this for the rest of my life, I can't forsee the interim time... the time between here - and ten years from now.
Shortly - I can see turbulence and unrest across the board. Personal as well as National. I need to work harder on myself.
BEWARE!
The Future is opening the door - whether you invited him or not!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Meanings
Today's pop culture belief is change.
Bill Clinton has morals now that his daughter has gotten married. Bill Clinton should be forgiven for his getting a header in the oval office. What the definition of the word "is" is....
PULEEZE! He's still a skirt chasing slimeball. I don't know how many women have passed on their own belief systems when it comes to slimy willie and can still criticize their own skirt chasing ex's. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the phrase... once a cheat, always a cheat. Once a liar, always a liar.
Words MEAN something.
Intentions MEAN something.
Next....
pilosi, reid, obama and all their cult
Today's pop culture belief is change.
Bill Clinton has morals now that his daughter has gotten married. Bill Clinton should be forgiven for his getting a header in the oval office. What the definition of the word "is" is....
PULEEZE! He's still a skirt chasing slimeball. I don't know how many women have passed on their own belief systems when it comes to slimy willie and can still criticize their own skirt chasing ex's. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the phrase... once a cheat, always a cheat. Once a liar, always a liar.
Words MEAN something.
Intentions MEAN something.
Next....
pilosi, reid, obama and all their cult
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Endings
Today's passage is on endings.
Weird topic, I know.
Still, it "feels" like I am in the midst of an ending.... and I don't even know what it's all about. One thing I have gotten to trust over the years is my gut instinct, and this feels like an ending.
I am hopeful it means the financial drought is ending. And my gut instinct doesn't say emphatically no, yet still - there's that feeling of UNKNOWN about it.
So, let me speculate.
- Summer's ending. That is a certainty. (Check the calander).
- My dreams of drumming again were dashed for a second time this week when the reality of life's expenses eclipsed my desire for bidding on a practice set of drum pads.
- While work has been so scarce, I have been applying everywhere - only to determine that the job picture is exceedingly bleak.
- Could my nightmarish existance be ending soon as well? (This is a compilation of all the downsizing and short-cutting I have done to reduce expenses to the level that is more manageable).
I'll have to get back on this... because this is hardly completed yet.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Life Observations
Today, AMC played the 40th anniversary edition of the movie, MASH.
At the time it came out, I wasn't permitted to watch it. I was a mere 14. My parents thought it was an obscene movie.
Years passed.
Times changed.
MASH became a family staple, although I doubt my parents ever saw the movie... despite my sister Lisa's choir singing the theme at a concert. (Suicide is painless...)
Some time in late, 2007, Diana and I bought the movie and began buying the TV episodes, one season at a time. By the end of Spring, we had the entire series and had spent many a hilarious evening watching them.
Time again passed.
Diana and I parted ways.
Believe it or not, I still can "hear" her laughing at various scenes when I watch them... this time in my solitude. Endings - for what ever reason - seem to give you much more pain as time reminds you of something that was once good.
Time will pass....
Although it's been almost three years, and these pains too... will one day fade.
One day...
Today, AMC played the 40th anniversary edition of the movie, MASH.
At the time it came out, I wasn't permitted to watch it. I was a mere 14. My parents thought it was an obscene movie.
Years passed.
Times changed.
MASH became a family staple, although I doubt my parents ever saw the movie... despite my sister Lisa's choir singing the theme at a concert. (Suicide is painless...)
Some time in late, 2007, Diana and I bought the movie and began buying the TV episodes, one season at a time. By the end of Spring, we had the entire series and had spent many a hilarious evening watching them.
Time again passed.
Diana and I parted ways.
Believe it or not, I still can "hear" her laughing at various scenes when I watch them... this time in my solitude. Endings - for what ever reason - seem to give you much more pain as time reminds you of something that was once good.
Time will pass....
Although it's been almost three years, and these pains too... will one day fade.
One day...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
It ain't over....
And the fat lady ain't in sight. Hell, pretty much NOTHINGNESS is the only thing in sight.
That means just one thing.
I'm inside the typhoon.
Everything I once knew is swirling about me.
Glimpses and flashes of the past whirl about me.
I'm honestly amazed that I have landed as squarely as I have, when a mere three weeks ago, I moved.
I expect - no... HOPE - that the winds of change die down soon.
I've been working as best I can in a downward spiralling real estate market and am now late on almost all of my payments. I have hope that the income - and the return of my former security deposit - will right my sinking ship.
That, once righted, will alleviate my less than practical mental state.
THEN...
The real test begins...
When will I EVER get a rest!?!??
And the fat lady ain't in sight. Hell, pretty much NOTHINGNESS is the only thing in sight.
That means just one thing.
I'm inside the typhoon.
Everything I once knew is swirling about me.
Glimpses and flashes of the past whirl about me.
I'm honestly amazed that I have landed as squarely as I have, when a mere three weeks ago, I moved.
I expect - no... HOPE - that the winds of change die down soon.
I've been working as best I can in a downward spiralling real estate market and am now late on almost all of my payments. I have hope that the income - and the return of my former security deposit - will right my sinking ship.
That, once righted, will alleviate my less than practical mental state.
THEN...
The real test begins...
When will I EVER get a rest!?!??
Monday, July 05, 2010
It's Been a while...
While I am still seeing the old flame, and I am still viewing new-found friends' musical groups, I still lack the direction in my life - other than survival.
Business has TANKED. No matter what the baffoons in Washington tell you - this is a DEpression and it's far from over. I've done about as much downsizing of my debt as I can - having moved just over a week ago. I borrowed THAT money (for the truck) from my sister and I upsized my storage unit to compensate.
I no longer have child support - which has helped as this economy crashed further, zero-ing in on the worst month I have ever had.
I hope that the newly found savings will balance out and I'll be able to support myself once again. (I haven't kept food in the apartment regularly since the boys stopped coming over almost a year ago).
Time will tell. Meanwhile, I still traverse back and forth to the storage unit - to fetch my things I can store at the apartment - or that won't be able to endure the extreme temparatures there.
As I have said many a time before.... Time will tell
While I am still seeing the old flame, and I am still viewing new-found friends' musical groups, I still lack the direction in my life - other than survival.
Business has TANKED. No matter what the baffoons in Washington tell you - this is a DEpression and it's far from over. I've done about as much downsizing of my debt as I can - having moved just over a week ago. I borrowed THAT money (for the truck) from my sister and I upsized my storage unit to compensate.
I no longer have child support - which has helped as this economy crashed further, zero-ing in on the worst month I have ever had.
I hope that the newly found savings will balance out and I'll be able to support myself once again. (I haven't kept food in the apartment regularly since the boys stopped coming over almost a year ago).
Time will tell. Meanwhile, I still traverse back and forth to the storage unit - to fetch my things I can store at the apartment - or that won't be able to endure the extreme temparatures there.
As I have said many a time before.... Time will tell
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Horrendous Echoes
I seem to be condemned to repeat mistakes in my life.
Recently, I utilized the IM feature n my email - seeing someone who was "on" and proceeded to message her. The "her" was the daughter of my last "ex".
Then, after the contact was made, I compounded the error by a follow up "explanation email".
When will I ever learn???
The time is NOW to disappear!
I seem to be condemned to repeat mistakes in my life.
Recently, I utilized the IM feature n my email - seeing someone who was "on" and proceeded to message her. The "her" was the daughter of my last "ex".
Then, after the contact was made, I compounded the error by a follow up "explanation email".
When will I ever learn???
The time is NOW to disappear!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Re-Adjustments
They're made all the time.
Whether changing lanes in traffic or when you decide to quit smoking... you've fine tuned your present course.
I made some adjustments 2 years ago when I didn't care for the direction my life was heading into. I quit drinking, paid attention to my health, decided I was better off alone rather than sharing my girlfriend with another man in another state while she chased her long distance relationships fantasy, I returned to my musical roots, later, I met up with an old flame to resolve some unfinished business and I changed my financial direction.
More changes are coming.
The flame is out.
Both the old flame and the musical pursuits directions have run their respective courses.
It has become increasingly apparent to me that my life's direction as of late - although at times seeming counter-productive, has been part of a plan I as of yet don't understand.
After a little over a year of exploring any unfinished business with the old flame, I was reminded why I can't be with her. Fundementally, we are like oil and water. Que Sara Sara. I now can't say I didn't try.
In exploring my musical pursuits again, it has been freustrating realization after frustrating realization. I set down my drumsticks when I became a parent. Seeing how my contemporaries handled their music throughout their lives, I now realize the sad truth that time - and talent - have passed me by. Starting anew would cost me more than I have to give - in the practicing sense - in the financial sense - in the residence practice area sense and in the performance sense.
A brief flirtation into the world of photography has also yielded heartache after heartache. Here too, limited by funds and the equipment I am privy too (not even my own), I realize I can not excell as my heart and soul want to. Further, I don't have the thick skin for the criticism that spews my way from my finally resolved "flame" from the past. She always knows better and always viscerates me with her acidic opinions. Who needs that?
I sense REAL change on the horizon. Not so much one that will be as financially painful as in the past, for I have stripped myself bare of any finances or obligations through the financial re-adjustments I made in my years' past.
A change of venue is all but a certainty.
A change in lifestyle could result.
A change in relationship status is most likely.
A change in friendships is most probable.
It could very well be a time of shaking out the rugs.....
They're made all the time.
Whether changing lanes in traffic or when you decide to quit smoking... you've fine tuned your present course.
I made some adjustments 2 years ago when I didn't care for the direction my life was heading into. I quit drinking, paid attention to my health, decided I was better off alone rather than sharing my girlfriend with another man in another state while she chased her long distance relationships fantasy, I returned to my musical roots, later, I met up with an old flame to resolve some unfinished business and I changed my financial direction.
More changes are coming.
The flame is out.
Both the old flame and the musical pursuits directions have run their respective courses.
It has become increasingly apparent to me that my life's direction as of late - although at times seeming counter-productive, has been part of a plan I as of yet don't understand.
After a little over a year of exploring any unfinished business with the old flame, I was reminded why I can't be with her. Fundementally, we are like oil and water. Que Sara Sara. I now can't say I didn't try.
In exploring my musical pursuits again, it has been freustrating realization after frustrating realization. I set down my drumsticks when I became a parent. Seeing how my contemporaries handled their music throughout their lives, I now realize the sad truth that time - and talent - have passed me by. Starting anew would cost me more than I have to give - in the practicing sense - in the financial sense - in the residence practice area sense and in the performance sense.
A brief flirtation into the world of photography has also yielded heartache after heartache. Here too, limited by funds and the equipment I am privy too (not even my own), I realize I can not excell as my heart and soul want to. Further, I don't have the thick skin for the criticism that spews my way from my finally resolved "flame" from the past. She always knows better and always viscerates me with her acidic opinions. Who needs that?
I sense REAL change on the horizon. Not so much one that will be as financially painful as in the past, for I have stripped myself bare of any finances or obligations through the financial re-adjustments I made in my years' past.
A change of venue is all but a certainty.
A change in lifestyle could result.
A change in relationship status is most likely.
A change in friendships is most probable.
It could very well be a time of shaking out the rugs.....
Thursday, April 22, 2010
DELUSIONS
This could get lengthy, so pull up a chair and your favorite beverage.
Within the past several years, there have been global as well as local changes, regime change, and business changes. There's been so much change that very few have been able to see that the course has shifted... not just personally... not just locally... not even nationally... but globally.
These are PERMANANT changes to the course of both history and humanity - for quite some time.
Personally, I've seen just about every change imaginable. Many times, I am surprised I am still standing. But, at least I am! On a personal level, I think that - as many changes have occurred - ten times as many are on the horizon.
With the economy in constant flux, the very first thing you need to do to survive is doubt EVERYTHING any elected official tells you. MOST of those people in the current REGIME have never WORKED for a living. They're career politicians - suck ups who look for appointments when they can't get elected - or - elected to an alternative office when they can't get appointed.
NONE of them have held a WORKING SECTOR job and wouldn't last past their probationary period if they did find themselves working in the real world. Most of their radical supporters haven't worked in the real world, either. They are mostly lesser based politicians (local lifetime political hacks), or actors, activists, tenured professors, most media and union thugs. Without the working class seeing their movies - supporting their causes, attending their classes or supporting them through union dues, watching their miniscule gossip-casts - NONE of these maladjusted assholes would exist! NONE of them have real world experience and therefore you must also discount anything they say as relevant also!
Once you do that - the smoke of bullshit they've fed us for the past 60 or so years begins to clear. The reality that you begin to see may become frightening.
Why do I blashpeme the new premier's order? Because I still can. Soon, however, my rants will have to be in pamphlet form - not all that dissimilar to the hand outs of 250 years ago, when Thomas Paine and Ben Franklin wrote. The internet will soon be as swiftly monitored and regulated to the point where opposing views will be silenced, squelched or just plain erradicated.
The whitewashing arm of the order - aka the media - has been attempting to silence the "tea party" movement and ridicule them or dismiss them as right wing kooks. Kind of like "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain" .... in order to distract us long enough while the socialization of the USSA takes hold. Remember: The root word in "Community Organizer" is COMMUNE.... which is also the ROOT WORD IN COMMUNISM!
So - why pursue this line of thinking?
I never drank the premier's kool aid. I knew he was a socialist from the get go. ... Before he was the appointee. (oops, I mean the nominee. , I have to remember he was "elected". Yeah, and ACORN did nothing wrong, either. More dead people and fictitious people voted for the premier than voted for Kennedy!).
But I digress....
What makes me think I know more than they do?
Uh... gee... let me think for a nano-second. Let's see....
I'm gonna go with the 30 years of business experience I have and if need be, I'll elaborate here - but I doubt you'd care that much to read it.
I've been:
an Insurance Agent; an Insurance Sales Rep; A Mortgage Account Exec; A Loan Officer; An Underwriter; A Processor; A Title Sales Rep; A Notary Public; A Realtor; A Notary Signing Agent; A Business Owner. I've seen light-years worth of changes in Insurance; Business; Brokering; Banking and Mortgage regulation changes. All were supposed to "fix the problem".
The problem is this: KNOW NOTHING Politicians who dabble in business when they haven't a clue what the regulations they are writing will do. In essence, you have lawyers who can't banance their own check books running the financial system. Their own regulations that were supposed to fix the alleged problems 15 years ago came back and bit everyone in the ass recently... and we can't even hold them accountable.
The GOVERNMENT - from the top oraface on down... needs an enima and eeds to be flushed out.
I'm doing my part. I'm starving the beast of it's tax dollars. I sent back my loan officer's license; sent back my real estate license; sent back my LLC and am working as inconspicupusly as possible as a notary - which is exempt from alternative minimum tax. So once I write off all my expenses, I pay no taxes to BUB (the Big Ugly Beast - aka the government(s)... state or fed). I will not support this socialist regime with my tax dollars!
They simply have no clue.
They release press statement after press statement that is filled with more crap than a freshly manured field. They think the press said it - so therefore it must be true and therefore the pions must believe in it. They're so far removed from reality that virtually every "STIMULOUS" package they've allegedly spent hasn't stopped unemployment from rising, foreclosures from rising or people in the USSA who are under-employed - or simply stopped looking.
The regime is so far removed from reality that they ignore the increasing numbers of those who've STOPPED LOOKING for jobs; those who went back to school learning meaningless, make-work positions for non-existant jobs; and those who finished school and have NEVER found work. I personally know many in all those catagories!
Forget the facts that Realty Track said April was another record foreclosure month. Forget the fact that Ohio has an unemployment rate that is over 150% of what it was when the premier was indoctrinated just 15 months ago. Forget the fact that there are more boarded up buildings - both residential as well as commercial - in virtually every American City than there were before the premier took the throne.
Personally, I have stripped myself down... completely eradicating all debt save for my car; and eliminated all possible luxuries - home phone - tanning - entertainment - and have even foregone food at times. I am erasing myself from all of society. I even looked for other ways to make CASH MONEY.... For example:
I used to think that I could jump back into playing the drums - and doing so weekly like other bands I had begun seeing. Many musicians said it was how they financed stuff without having to pay tax.
But then, as my band viewing and friendships grew, I saw the over abundance of like minded individuals who, like me, wanted to make money under the table. I also saw and heard from bar owners, struggling to make ends meet, who had to downsize their entertainment budgets - or simply "stiff" the bands in order to keep the doors open.
The band members are living on a shoe-string budget and are forced to supplement their income by takig less money and playing out more. That floods the market for newbies like me. The bar owners are forced to downsize the bands or charge a cover, which doesn't go over well in many of these urban, rat-hole bars.
No, this is NOT a way to supplement your income.
I'd be better suited by spending my money on firearms and ammunition. At least I could use that for hunting.
I think Americans better wise up to the fact and become - each of themselves - MORE self reliant. I am. I will have to get used to squirrel and 'possum. Grow my own survival garden while squatting on a corner of someone else's abandoned land. DON'T waste your money spaying or neutering your cats and dogs!!! They could feed you when you are hungry and desperate!
I think this government is deluding itself that it can spend and tax it's way out of these difficulties. This isn't a recession. It is a DEPRESSION. The POSERdent of the USSA may not admit it publicly, but what does he know? He hasn't worked a real job in his life. Neither have his advisors. This house of cards that they call our economy isn't worth the paper it's writing it's money with. This is all foundationless toilet paper.
The fall is coming...
Are YOU prepared?
This could get lengthy, so pull up a chair and your favorite beverage.
Within the past several years, there have been global as well as local changes, regime change, and business changes. There's been so much change that very few have been able to see that the course has shifted... not just personally... not just locally... not even nationally... but globally.
These are PERMANANT changes to the course of both history and humanity - for quite some time.
Personally, I've seen just about every change imaginable. Many times, I am surprised I am still standing. But, at least I am! On a personal level, I think that - as many changes have occurred - ten times as many are on the horizon.
With the economy in constant flux, the very first thing you need to do to survive is doubt EVERYTHING any elected official tells you. MOST of those people in the current REGIME have never WORKED for a living. They're career politicians - suck ups who look for appointments when they can't get elected - or - elected to an alternative office when they can't get appointed.
NONE of them have held a WORKING SECTOR job and wouldn't last past their probationary period if they did find themselves working in the real world. Most of their radical supporters haven't worked in the real world, either. They are mostly lesser based politicians (local lifetime political hacks), or actors, activists, tenured professors, most media and union thugs. Without the working class seeing their movies - supporting their causes, attending their classes or supporting them through union dues, watching their miniscule gossip-casts - NONE of these maladjusted assholes would exist! NONE of them have real world experience and therefore you must also discount anything they say as relevant also!
Once you do that - the smoke of bullshit they've fed us for the past 60 or so years begins to clear. The reality that you begin to see may become frightening.
Why do I blashpeme the new premier's order? Because I still can. Soon, however, my rants will have to be in pamphlet form - not all that dissimilar to the hand outs of 250 years ago, when Thomas Paine and Ben Franklin wrote. The internet will soon be as swiftly monitored and regulated to the point where opposing views will be silenced, squelched or just plain erradicated.
The whitewashing arm of the order - aka the media - has been attempting to silence the "tea party" movement and ridicule them or dismiss them as right wing kooks. Kind of like "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain" .... in order to distract us long enough while the socialization of the USSA takes hold. Remember: The root word in "Community Organizer" is COMMUNE.... which is also the ROOT WORD IN COMMUNISM!
So - why pursue this line of thinking?
I never drank the premier's kool aid. I knew he was a socialist from the get go. ... Before he was the appointee. (oops, I mean the nominee. , I have to remember he was "elected". Yeah, and ACORN did nothing wrong, either. More dead people and fictitious people voted for the premier than voted for Kennedy!).
But I digress....
What makes me think I know more than they do?
Uh... gee... let me think for a nano-second. Let's see....
I'm gonna go with the 30 years of business experience I have and if need be, I'll elaborate here - but I doubt you'd care that much to read it.
I've been:
an Insurance Agent; an Insurance Sales Rep; A Mortgage Account Exec; A Loan Officer; An Underwriter; A Processor; A Title Sales Rep; A Notary Public; A Realtor; A Notary Signing Agent; A Business Owner. I've seen light-years worth of changes in Insurance; Business; Brokering; Banking and Mortgage regulation changes. All were supposed to "fix the problem".
The problem is this: KNOW NOTHING Politicians who dabble in business when they haven't a clue what the regulations they are writing will do. In essence, you have lawyers who can't banance their own check books running the financial system. Their own regulations that were supposed to fix the alleged problems 15 years ago came back and bit everyone in the ass recently... and we can't even hold them accountable.
The GOVERNMENT - from the top oraface on down... needs an enima and eeds to be flushed out.
I'm doing my part. I'm starving the beast of it's tax dollars. I sent back my loan officer's license; sent back my real estate license; sent back my LLC and am working as inconspicupusly as possible as a notary - which is exempt from alternative minimum tax. So once I write off all my expenses, I pay no taxes to BUB (the Big Ugly Beast - aka the government(s)... state or fed). I will not support this socialist regime with my tax dollars!
They simply have no clue.
They release press statement after press statement that is filled with more crap than a freshly manured field. They think the press said it - so therefore it must be true and therefore the pions must believe in it. They're so far removed from reality that virtually every "STIMULOUS" package they've allegedly spent hasn't stopped unemployment from rising, foreclosures from rising or people in the USSA who are under-employed - or simply stopped looking.
The regime is so far removed from reality that they ignore the increasing numbers of those who've STOPPED LOOKING for jobs; those who went back to school learning meaningless, make-work positions for non-existant jobs; and those who finished school and have NEVER found work. I personally know many in all those catagories!
Forget the facts that Realty Track said April was another record foreclosure month. Forget the fact that Ohio has an unemployment rate that is over 150% of what it was when the premier was indoctrinated just 15 months ago. Forget the fact that there are more boarded up buildings - both residential as well as commercial - in virtually every American City than there were before the premier took the throne.
Personally, I have stripped myself down... completely eradicating all debt save for my car; and eliminated all possible luxuries - home phone - tanning - entertainment - and have even foregone food at times. I am erasing myself from all of society. I even looked for other ways to make CASH MONEY.... For example:
I used to think that I could jump back into playing the drums - and doing so weekly like other bands I had begun seeing. Many musicians said it was how they financed stuff without having to pay tax.
But then, as my band viewing and friendships grew, I saw the over abundance of like minded individuals who, like me, wanted to make money under the table. I also saw and heard from bar owners, struggling to make ends meet, who had to downsize their entertainment budgets - or simply "stiff" the bands in order to keep the doors open.
The band members are living on a shoe-string budget and are forced to supplement their income by takig less money and playing out more. That floods the market for newbies like me. The bar owners are forced to downsize the bands or charge a cover, which doesn't go over well in many of these urban, rat-hole bars.
No, this is NOT a way to supplement your income.
I'd be better suited by spending my money on firearms and ammunition. At least I could use that for hunting.
I think Americans better wise up to the fact and become - each of themselves - MORE self reliant. I am. I will have to get used to squirrel and 'possum. Grow my own survival garden while squatting on a corner of someone else's abandoned land. DON'T waste your money spaying or neutering your cats and dogs!!! They could feed you when you are hungry and desperate!
I think this government is deluding itself that it can spend and tax it's way out of these difficulties. This isn't a recession. It is a DEPRESSION. The POSERdent of the USSA may not admit it publicly, but what does he know? He hasn't worked a real job in his life. Neither have his advisors. This house of cards that they call our economy isn't worth the paper it's writing it's money with. This is all foundationless toilet paper.
The fall is coming...
Are YOU prepared?
Monday, April 19, 2010
Break Ups
There are always lyrics that get to me.
Sylvia's Mother, by Dr Hook; Telephone Line by ELO; Taxi by Harry Chapin; Another Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg to name a few.
Lost loves and meeting up again - and the heartbreak of what once was - or what might have been....
I haven't had a tremendous amount of "Significant Others" in my life.
But I am Sentimental.
In certain circumstances, I have grown accustomed to what would never have endured. That part of my life was a phase in my life where certain things had to take place. I never really believed I would have gotten married - let alone having the first marriage endure for almost 18 years! And when I think back upon that, I realize I'm not who I was at the time I got married. So I know in my heart that romanticizing about the "What If's" ... had I never gotten divorced - well it's futile. The only thing I might have changed was the when, where and why of that divorce.
I once carried a jealous torch for Ex #2 - even well into my 2nd relationship beyond her. (My first was a 6 month fling). My 2nd marriage lasted but a year, and I was in no condition to remarry. A lesson I learned the most difficult of ways and will stick with from now on...
My 3rd major relationship lasted just over 6 years. THIS is the one that haunts me to date, because I went into it suspecting all the same things I had just been through with ex #2 and STILL got burned in what I consider is a similar fashion.
For this reason ALONE, I feel that I am incompatable with relationships and marriage. Jealousy - whether real or perceived - is the reason for the ending of my last 2 major relationships.
And since I haven't really started a 4th - but rather picked up in continuing the 2nd (Which I am seeing as DOOMED again as each day passes) I can only surmise that I don't wish to have a relationship.
There are always lyrics that get to me.
Sylvia's Mother, by Dr Hook; Telephone Line by ELO; Taxi by Harry Chapin; Another Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg to name a few.
Lost loves and meeting up again - and the heartbreak of what once was - or what might have been....
I haven't had a tremendous amount of "Significant Others" in my life.
But I am Sentimental.
In certain circumstances, I have grown accustomed to what would never have endured. That part of my life was a phase in my life where certain things had to take place. I never really believed I would have gotten married - let alone having the first marriage endure for almost 18 years! And when I think back upon that, I realize I'm not who I was at the time I got married. So I know in my heart that romanticizing about the "What If's" ... had I never gotten divorced - well it's futile. The only thing I might have changed was the when, where and why of that divorce.
I once carried a jealous torch for Ex #2 - even well into my 2nd relationship beyond her. (My first was a 6 month fling). My 2nd marriage lasted but a year, and I was in no condition to remarry. A lesson I learned the most difficult of ways and will stick with from now on...
My 3rd major relationship lasted just over 6 years. THIS is the one that haunts me to date, because I went into it suspecting all the same things I had just been through with ex #2 and STILL got burned in what I consider is a similar fashion.
For this reason ALONE, I feel that I am incompatable with relationships and marriage. Jealousy - whether real or perceived - is the reason for the ending of my last 2 major relationships.
And since I haven't really started a 4th - but rather picked up in continuing the 2nd (Which I am seeing as DOOMED again as each day passes) I can only surmise that I don't wish to have a relationship.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Re-evaluations abound
My life's been twisting and turning over the past several months.
Change is definately all around me. As the changes started to take hold, I felt no reality shift. However, that too - has changed.
There are times when reality comes up and bites you in the ass. Other times you barely notice it as it slithers by. Today, however, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I find myself questioning EVERYTHING!!
Perhaps it is because some of these changes are a mere six weeks hence. Perhaps it is because I have been more reflective lately. Perhaps it is because for the first time, I see the folly that my life has been on.
It was about six months ago that I got the drumming bugback for the first time in many, many years. After some brushing up on the rudiments and the realization that my current set won't do, I searched for a new set - found what I wanted and then had my hopes and dreams crushed when I found that financing, even for those with the best of credit, isn't an option very much any more. That dream died harshly.
Then I deluded myself that I was a photographer for pay, and began beefing up my website towards that end. We began seeing other bands and I saw several things: 1). I literally COULD go back to drumming because I was better than about one-third of the guys we saw! 2). I began the task of rehabbing my old set, with the idea of beefing them up with aquired used drums and painting the whole set uniformly; 3). I began to realize that I needed more exposure and re-opened my Facebook account.
Well, the delusion of photographer for pay died suddenly when a few well honed, very sharp criticisms came from someone who was close to me. The delusion that my relationship was anything but a temporary phase hit me this morning when website criticisms sobered me to the reality that nothing had actually changed. Familiarity breeds contempt. I don't need criticism from someone who's never constructed a website of her own.
Plugs must be pulled.
Property returned.
This direction has ceased going farther.
My life's been twisting and turning over the past several months.
Change is definately all around me. As the changes started to take hold, I felt no reality shift. However, that too - has changed.
There are times when reality comes up and bites you in the ass. Other times you barely notice it as it slithers by. Today, however, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I find myself questioning EVERYTHING!!
Perhaps it is because some of these changes are a mere six weeks hence. Perhaps it is because I have been more reflective lately. Perhaps it is because for the first time, I see the folly that my life has been on.
It was about six months ago that I got the drumming bugback for the first time in many, many years. After some brushing up on the rudiments and the realization that my current set won't do, I searched for a new set - found what I wanted and then had my hopes and dreams crushed when I found that financing, even for those with the best of credit, isn't an option very much any more. That dream died harshly.
Then I deluded myself that I was a photographer for pay, and began beefing up my website towards that end. We began seeing other bands and I saw several things: 1). I literally COULD go back to drumming because I was better than about one-third of the guys we saw! 2). I began the task of rehabbing my old set, with the idea of beefing them up with aquired used drums and painting the whole set uniformly; 3). I began to realize that I needed more exposure and re-opened my Facebook account.
Well, the delusion of photographer for pay died suddenly when a few well honed, very sharp criticisms came from someone who was close to me. The delusion that my relationship was anything but a temporary phase hit me this morning when website criticisms sobered me to the reality that nothing had actually changed. Familiarity breeds contempt. I don't need criticism from someone who's never constructed a website of her own.
Plugs must be pulled.
Property returned.
This direction has ceased going farther.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Time.
The cure all.
I've done my share of thinking over the past 19 months.
That's exactly how long ago my life took a sharp veer off what used to be it's course.
Since that time, I have rectified my blood pressure problem as well as my gout problem and my liver problem. I've been given a clean bill of health on ALL of that - PLUS my prostrate, EKG and cholesterol/triglycerides. Although, due to the nature of my occupation and eating habits, my weight remains the same.
I've returned to the music scene and augmented both my penchant for photography as well as my potential to return to drumming. 19 months ago - NEITHER of those were a remote possibility, what-so-ever.
Time has eliminated my dependence on gas guzzlers and 2nd hand heaps.
Time has all but eliminated my need to pay support of any kind. I have a mere 2 months left after 12+ years of it.
Time has etched away much of the sting from the past relationship's heartbreaks.
Time has finally weaned my children's dependence upon me for most of their trivial and gossip ridden life-paths.
Time will further etch away the scars of the past and remove all but a few rememberances of these issues.
Time has depleated the need to self medicate as I had dome consistantly for a 6 year and 4 month period. Beer is hardly anything more than a Larry the Cable Guy joke and not at all condusive to my gout, nor my health. Ice water has become the beverage of choice.
Time has taken friends and aquaintances before their own time - or perhaps before my own ability to compensate for lost time in contacting them.
Time has become a friend - a companion... rather than an enemy.
As I grow older, I realize the night is nearer and the day's labors are closer to completed than my ability to perceive life's rest may enable me to see it.
Time has passed.
And there's now more past... than future.
The cure all.
I've done my share of thinking over the past 19 months.
That's exactly how long ago my life took a sharp veer off what used to be it's course.
Since that time, I have rectified my blood pressure problem as well as my gout problem and my liver problem. I've been given a clean bill of health on ALL of that - PLUS my prostrate, EKG and cholesterol/triglycerides. Although, due to the nature of my occupation and eating habits, my weight remains the same.
I've returned to the music scene and augmented both my penchant for photography as well as my potential to return to drumming. 19 months ago - NEITHER of those were a remote possibility, what-so-ever.
Time has eliminated my dependence on gas guzzlers and 2nd hand heaps.
Time has all but eliminated my need to pay support of any kind. I have a mere 2 months left after 12+ years of it.
Time has etched away much of the sting from the past relationship's heartbreaks.
Time has finally weaned my children's dependence upon me for most of their trivial and gossip ridden life-paths.
Time will further etch away the scars of the past and remove all but a few rememberances of these issues.
Time has depleated the need to self medicate as I had dome consistantly for a 6 year and 4 month period. Beer is hardly anything more than a Larry the Cable Guy joke and not at all condusive to my gout, nor my health. Ice water has become the beverage of choice.
Time has taken friends and aquaintances before their own time - or perhaps before my own ability to compensate for lost time in contacting them.
Time has become a friend - a companion... rather than an enemy.
As I grow older, I realize the night is nearer and the day's labors are closer to completed than my ability to perceive life's rest may enable me to see it.
Time has passed.
And there's now more past... than future.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Reflections...
I used to be more stubborned.
Once I made up my mind, I etched my decisions in stone.
It worked for a while, when I was younger and had the luxury of time on my side.
Call it maturity...
Call it experience...
I no longer have the luxury of time when it comes to stubborned decisions.
For example, after a feud with my friends across the street over - of all things - blame for fireworks at a camp out, I vowed to NEVER - EVER invite them to a party at "the pad" again. As time crept by and our friendship all but ceased, I had to crawl out of my cacoon and find other friends to drink beer with. In doing so, on one hand, I expanded my horizons, but on the other hand I lost the friendship of three childhood friends. In my rigid stubborndness, I had closed the door. Then, a few years later when I had built my dad's office, I realized something. Not only was that chapter of my life gone forever - but it couldn't be "gotten back".
Flash forward to today...
I find myself reflecting upon the decisions that altered my life's path.
Some were very serious ones. Others were minor ones. But ALL decisions alter your life's path. My life - has been a bit reactionary over the past 3 years.
For the first time in - not just 3 years... but perhaps as long as 15 years - I am at a true cross roads.
My life will change in June.
The clock is ticking.... both on the coming change as well as the remainder of my life. Prior to this coming change, most events were built on previous events. Let's give an example, shall we?
The events of this coming June are dramatic enough to anticipate, because of rash, horney and adulterous decisions in my past. Had I just left well enough alone in November, 1994, it wouldn't have lead to December's affair starting; which wouldn't have lead to January, 2005's discovery and all the distrust, guilt and punishment for the next 4 years; which wouldn't have lead to my straying again and again; which wouldn't have lead to my deciding to separate and divorce; which wouldn't have lead to a bankruptcy, foreclosure and hundreds of thousands in child support, anger, jealousy and alienation - not just between me & my ex - but also my kids. And so on and so on....
Those events were prefaced by a spontaneous and ill conceived decision to marry my ex just after she graduated. I was feeling "left behind" as most others my age were either married or already divorced by their 25th birthday and I had yet to enter the starting gate.
So here I am - some 29 years later - wondering what it all would have been like if I had stayed STUBBORNED and NOT left the coziness of my woods, my treehouse and my then, care free life.
I don't have the luxury of time to re-make mistakes, as I doubt I have 29 more years in me to waste.
I used to be more stubborned.
Once I made up my mind, I etched my decisions in stone.
It worked for a while, when I was younger and had the luxury of time on my side.
Call it maturity...
Call it experience...
I no longer have the luxury of time when it comes to stubborned decisions.
For example, after a feud with my friends across the street over - of all things - blame for fireworks at a camp out, I vowed to NEVER - EVER invite them to a party at "the pad" again. As time crept by and our friendship all but ceased, I had to crawl out of my cacoon and find other friends to drink beer with. In doing so, on one hand, I expanded my horizons, but on the other hand I lost the friendship of three childhood friends. In my rigid stubborndness, I had closed the door. Then, a few years later when I had built my dad's office, I realized something. Not only was that chapter of my life gone forever - but it couldn't be "gotten back".
Flash forward to today...
I find myself reflecting upon the decisions that altered my life's path.
Some were very serious ones. Others were minor ones. But ALL decisions alter your life's path. My life - has been a bit reactionary over the past 3 years.
For the first time in - not just 3 years... but perhaps as long as 15 years - I am at a true cross roads.
My life will change in June.
The clock is ticking.... both on the coming change as well as the remainder of my life. Prior to this coming change, most events were built on previous events. Let's give an example, shall we?
The events of this coming June are dramatic enough to anticipate, because of rash, horney and adulterous decisions in my past. Had I just left well enough alone in November, 1994, it wouldn't have lead to December's affair starting; which wouldn't have lead to January, 2005's discovery and all the distrust, guilt and punishment for the next 4 years; which wouldn't have lead to my straying again and again; which wouldn't have lead to my deciding to separate and divorce; which wouldn't have lead to a bankruptcy, foreclosure and hundreds of thousands in child support, anger, jealousy and alienation - not just between me & my ex - but also my kids. And so on and so on....
Those events were prefaced by a spontaneous and ill conceived decision to marry my ex just after she graduated. I was feeling "left behind" as most others my age were either married or already divorced by their 25th birthday and I had yet to enter the starting gate.
So here I am - some 29 years later - wondering what it all would have been like if I had stayed STUBBORNED and NOT left the coziness of my woods, my treehouse and my then, care free life.
I don't have the luxury of time to re-make mistakes, as I doubt I have 29 more years in me to waste.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Directional Shift
In a few, very short months I have seen things invert several times.
I not only speak about our out of control, spend-thrift socialist government (who by the way will eventually clamp down on ALL of our rights - INCLUDING posts to the internet) - but also of personal revelations that have left my world with no reference points that are recognizable.
The avalanche of change began long ago.
I can't really nail it down for certain, but the "spark" that lit today's ever-shortening fuse may have been when dad died. Although professionally, I had radically shifted gears a mere 2 years earlier, all seemed OK at the time. Still other "traces" of the initial spark were lit back 7 years prior when I got engaged.
But none of that is relevent for this topic.
What IS relevent is the course I have been on for the past 12 years is about to end. Yesterday, I began the process of emancipating my youngest child. In 2 months, the entire child support ordeal will be complete and I can close the door on that chapter of my life.
What lies ahead is new ground - never before taken.
It's like being reborn.
On one hand, I have been bemoaning the fact that I had filed bankruptcy 3 times and been foreclosed upon twice. On the other hand, it could indeed become extremely liberating to have NO CREDIT!
I am currently toying with the idea of moving in June. My lease is up. My kids all grown. My child support will be OVER. I have sent my loan officer license back to the state about 2 years ago and my realtor's license is now also inactive at the state. My ill-thought out LLC that I purchased almost 3 years ago has been cancelled prior to my move, which will make the severing of that record all the easier. I should be DONE with R.I.T.A. as well. I cancelled my business website and built a sub-domain in my personal website for by 1 page business webpage - thus saving $132 per year.
Last year, I eliminated my cell phone obligations (my cell is on someone else's plan), discontinued tanning thus saving 250 per year, ceased collecting CDs Video's etc, and all but halted ALL ebay activity, saving hundreds - if not thousands.
16 months ago, I traded in a gas hog for an economical 4 cylinder car, changed over insurances and dropped my land line, also saving hundreds - if not more.
All extraneous spending has been eliminated save for one new hobby. Rock & roll photography... and note I said HOBBY!
A cornerstone is being reached.
My initial delusions of returning to the stage as a drummer have faded in the fog as well as my being a professional rock & roll photographer, which was a bigger delusion. My drumset, now dis-assembled in parts all over the livingroom, might just remain such indefinately. My willingness to give up my facebook six months ago - and in the process of down-grading and stripping out my MySpace account to all but a generic name and no information - and most importantly - eliminate my 10 year web presence (erocker.net) - is in the process. The final elimination of my website is yet to be determined, but can ultimately happen should outside influences continue on their present track.
The time is now for a revelation.
The time may also be right for a revolution. Having divested myself from everything of value, I may be ripe to become one of the new Patriot foot soldiers in the new revolution.
Time will tell
In a few, very short months I have seen things invert several times.
I not only speak about our out of control, spend-thrift socialist government (who by the way will eventually clamp down on ALL of our rights - INCLUDING posts to the internet) - but also of personal revelations that have left my world with no reference points that are recognizable.
The avalanche of change began long ago.
I can't really nail it down for certain, but the "spark" that lit today's ever-shortening fuse may have been when dad died. Although professionally, I had radically shifted gears a mere 2 years earlier, all seemed OK at the time. Still other "traces" of the initial spark were lit back 7 years prior when I got engaged.
But none of that is relevent for this topic.
What IS relevent is the course I have been on for the past 12 years is about to end. Yesterday, I began the process of emancipating my youngest child. In 2 months, the entire child support ordeal will be complete and I can close the door on that chapter of my life.
What lies ahead is new ground - never before taken.
It's like being reborn.
On one hand, I have been bemoaning the fact that I had filed bankruptcy 3 times and been foreclosed upon twice. On the other hand, it could indeed become extremely liberating to have NO CREDIT!
I am currently toying with the idea of moving in June. My lease is up. My kids all grown. My child support will be OVER. I have sent my loan officer license back to the state about 2 years ago and my realtor's license is now also inactive at the state. My ill-thought out LLC that I purchased almost 3 years ago has been cancelled prior to my move, which will make the severing of that record all the easier. I should be DONE with R.I.T.A. as well. I cancelled my business website and built a sub-domain in my personal website for by 1 page business webpage - thus saving $132 per year.
Last year, I eliminated my cell phone obligations (my cell is on someone else's plan), discontinued tanning thus saving 250 per year, ceased collecting CDs Video's etc, and all but halted ALL ebay activity, saving hundreds - if not thousands.
16 months ago, I traded in a gas hog for an economical 4 cylinder car, changed over insurances and dropped my land line, also saving hundreds - if not more.
All extraneous spending has been eliminated save for one new hobby. Rock & roll photography... and note I said HOBBY!
A cornerstone is being reached.
My initial delusions of returning to the stage as a drummer have faded in the fog as well as my being a professional rock & roll photographer, which was a bigger delusion. My drumset, now dis-assembled in parts all over the livingroom, might just remain such indefinately. My willingness to give up my facebook six months ago - and in the process of down-grading and stripping out my MySpace account to all but a generic name and no information - and most importantly - eliminate my 10 year web presence (erocker.net) - is in the process. The final elimination of my website is yet to be determined, but can ultimately happen should outside influences continue on their present track.
The time is now for a revelation.
The time may also be right for a revolution. Having divested myself from everything of value, I may be ripe to become one of the new Patriot foot soldiers in the new revolution.
Time will tell
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Unexplainable Events
I seem to be adrift in an eddy of swirling changes.
In the past, much of what happened to me was directly related to cause and effect results surrounding my activities. Lately, however, things are happening in so many and unrelated areas that many of my traditional reference points are now blurred in the distance.
Some of it is directly related to every one of the 546 complete blithering Washingtonian assholes and their agents' activities. In 14 months since the crown's ASSention, nothing resembles the old republic and that concerns me. If these massive CHANGEs continue at their present pace, I may not be free enough to make my stealthy move in a mere next few months.
But it's far more than that.
My relationship has shown it's true claws. Held at bay, it could be tolerated. But I will no longer live like that with anyone - whether they be caring half the time and a bitch the remaining time - or whether they choose to drink away their brain cells in front of a fish pond. Neither situation is desirable any longer.
And it's still more than that.
My extreme dissatisfaction with the musical pursuits has left me cold in my own pursuits - wondering if my discretionary spending is more worthwhile being spent upon armaments and disappearing, rather than an extreme extravigance such as a drum set.
All I see in the future is hardship.
Every avenue I peer down - a different type of hardship.
I am wondering whether it's better to be forewarned and forearmed than to pursue my last remaining childhood desire of drumming in a live music band. Especially when bands - as well as the bars who employ them - are struggling. Seeing how all of my remaining childhood dreams and visions of my life have died a most bitter death in the past 10 years...
Perhaps time, money and efforts would be better spent learning a trade like black-smithing. Horse power... I mean LITERAL Horse power - may be the labor saving devices in the near future, once this economy and country collapse. The VERY NEAR FUTURE
I seem to be adrift in an eddy of swirling changes.
In the past, much of what happened to me was directly related to cause and effect results surrounding my activities. Lately, however, things are happening in so many and unrelated areas that many of my traditional reference points are now blurred in the distance.
Some of it is directly related to every one of the 546 complete blithering Washingtonian assholes and their agents' activities. In 14 months since the crown's ASSention, nothing resembles the old republic and that concerns me. If these massive CHANGEs continue at their present pace, I may not be free enough to make my stealthy move in a mere next few months.
But it's far more than that.
My relationship has shown it's true claws. Held at bay, it could be tolerated. But I will no longer live like that with anyone - whether they be caring half the time and a bitch the remaining time - or whether they choose to drink away their brain cells in front of a fish pond. Neither situation is desirable any longer.
And it's still more than that.
My extreme dissatisfaction with the musical pursuits has left me cold in my own pursuits - wondering if my discretionary spending is more worthwhile being spent upon armaments and disappearing, rather than an extreme extravigance such as a drum set.
All I see in the future is hardship.
Every avenue I peer down - a different type of hardship.
I am wondering whether it's better to be forewarned and forearmed than to pursue my last remaining childhood desire of drumming in a live music band. Especially when bands - as well as the bars who employ them - are struggling. Seeing how all of my remaining childhood dreams and visions of my life have died a most bitter death in the past 10 years...
Perhaps time, money and efforts would be better spent learning a trade like black-smithing. Horse power... I mean LITERAL Horse power - may be the labor saving devices in the near future, once this economy and country collapse. The VERY NEAR FUTURE
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Circle of Life
Recently, my kids' only living grandparent died. She was 71.
I'd known her and her late husband since 1972, along with their 2 oldest girls a set of twin brothers and their youngest daughter. The situation revolving around how I met my kids' mom is perhaps left for another time - but isn't relevent to this diatribe. What IS important is a recognition that a transition that began in 1987 is now nearly complete. Their first grandparent (my dad) died in that year. My girls were 4 and 1.
The last portion of this cycle of my life will end in less than three months. That is when my youngest is finally out of high school and out from under my child support. That is also when some very specific changes COULD take place. My lease is up within weeks of his graduation and I could find myself moving on. That would be the ideal for me - but my income would have to take a sharp upturn starting NOW in order to save for the next security deposit. Needless to say - ANY move would HAVE to take me OUT of Cuyahoga County as I can no longer STAND it here.
Many of the dreams of my youth have come crashing into rubble over the past few years.
I have NO income to speak of.
I have NO possessions of any merit for my age.
I have NO real estate.
I have NO savings.
I have NO retirement plan
I'll have a remaining life similar to that of an early settler... no job security... no days off ...
But for now - at least - I have my health.
Ideally, I would LOVE to live in a Township - with NO income taxes.
I must begin anew.
Recently, my kids' only living grandparent died. She was 71.
I'd known her and her late husband since 1972, along with their 2 oldest girls a set of twin brothers and their youngest daughter. The situation revolving around how I met my kids' mom is perhaps left for another time - but isn't relevent to this diatribe. What IS important is a recognition that a transition that began in 1987 is now nearly complete. Their first grandparent (my dad) died in that year. My girls were 4 and 1.
The last portion of this cycle of my life will end in less than three months. That is when my youngest is finally out of high school and out from under my child support. That is also when some very specific changes COULD take place. My lease is up within weeks of his graduation and I could find myself moving on. That would be the ideal for me - but my income would have to take a sharp upturn starting NOW in order to save for the next security deposit. Needless to say - ANY move would HAVE to take me OUT of Cuyahoga County as I can no longer STAND it here.
Many of the dreams of my youth have come crashing into rubble over the past few years.
I have NO income to speak of.
I have NO possessions of any merit for my age.
I have NO real estate.
I have NO savings.
I have NO retirement plan
I'll have a remaining life similar to that of an early settler... no job security... no days off ...
But for now - at least - I have my health.
Ideally, I would LOVE to live in a Township - with NO income taxes.
I must begin anew.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Do you hear that?
Do you?
That is the dying pulse of the nation.
Out of work
Out of money
No credit
No leadership
It's TIME.
Time to become INCONSPICUOUS
Dump your debt
PREPARE!!!!
It's time to get back to self sufficiency
Self Employment is mandatory on a cash only basis
Bartering will become more prevelant when the dollar crashes
Return to the land... plow... grow...
Self Sufficiency is necessary if you are to survive the coming crash, insurrection and dictatorial crackdown.
Today is 3/9/10.
You've been warned.
Do you?
That is the dying pulse of the nation.
Out of work
Out of money
No credit
No leadership
It's TIME.
Time to become INCONSPICUOUS
Dump your debt
PREPARE!!!!
It's time to get back to self sufficiency
Self Employment is mandatory on a cash only basis
Bartering will become more prevelant when the dollar crashes
Return to the land... plow... grow...
Self Sufficiency is necessary if you are to survive the coming crash, insurrection and dictatorial crackdown.
Today is 3/9/10.
You've been warned.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Ever wake up one day and wonder: What the hell happened?
Life was cruising along... You THINK you know what you want to do with your life....
THEN.... POOF!
Once your flash forward catches up, you're married and have kids; doing a boring job; wondering what the hell happened.
THEN... POOF!
Another flash forward ... another reality catch up.
Situation's changed. Maybe a divorce - Maybe a Bankruptcy - Maybe a foreclosure for good measure.
Flash ahead again.
Recovery.
Ready for the same thing all over?
AGAIN????
Stop the world.
I wanna get off
Life was cruising along... You THINK you know what you want to do with your life....
THEN.... POOF!
Once your flash forward catches up, you're married and have kids; doing a boring job; wondering what the hell happened.
THEN... POOF!
Another flash forward ... another reality catch up.
Situation's changed. Maybe a divorce - Maybe a Bankruptcy - Maybe a foreclosure for good measure.
Flash ahead again.
Recovery.
Ready for the same thing all over?
AGAIN????
Stop the world.
I wanna get off
Friday, February 12, 2010
Flashes
From time to time, I get... what I call "flashes". I don't consider them "visions" but what I do consider them as are Beacons of probability.
In December, 1979, I had a flash that my life was changing - dramatically. I couldn't foresee this flash as a beacon, but rather, I KNEW in my CORE that things were no longer going to proceed as a status quo. The following February, (30 years ago today - as a matter of fact) I proposed to the mother of my kids. It changed my course of what I then knew as my life.
But I have had subsequent flashes, where I did peek beyond the beacon and glimpsed what I thought MAY be a ray from the future. Back in 1982, after completing and submitting my sequal to Star Trek - the Wrath of Khan, I had one such flash. I had began another story-line, about a visionary elder teaching kids about the past civilization while the younglings parents were out doing their daily hunting and gathering of food. It was a futureistic - post nuclear holocost scene, taking place in a large, open cavern of sorts. In essence, we post nuclear holocost survivors had been thrown back to the stone age.
With today's world events unfolding, I can foresee a much different time in the future. A hillside farm - plows driven by oxen, wells for water and no electricity, phones, computers or modern electronocrap. We plant our food, shear our sheep for wool, slaughter a cow for meat and salt it to keep it longer.
What's happening to make me "see" this beacon of a flash from the potential future?
Our government is spending money that our great, great grandchildren won't be able to repay. And - for what? ENTITLEMENT PROGRAMS? Talk about an elitist utopia (Utopia is a term straight out of Karl Marx).
One day soon, Iran and Isreal will go to war. Iran WILL nuke Isreal and they'll retaliate. China - who's been stealthily supporting Iran and lying quietly in wait, will conquer whatever is left of Asia, and perhaps beyond. Russia will be no more. Europe will implode from within as the Muslim population is the only segment growing there. Musilm terrorist moles in every corner of the world will come out in the open and simply overtake the remains of Europe - who themselves have crushed their capitalist societies under their own weight as well as the now defenseless North Africa and parts of Canada .
The old USA will be gone. The progressive liberals will have spent the wealth of the goose that laid the golden egg on social programs. Defense will become all but impossible, as defense programs, aviation, NASA and military research had all been gutted earlier to pay for the Premier's folly - social medic-obamacare - cradle to grave pacifism.
What IS left of the military will have a difficult enough time repelling the hoards of armed invaders, and the only domestic protection will be souvenier firearms remaining from previous world conflicts. Those spiratic conflicts lead to the great nuclear event in the now "hot sands" area of what once was the cradle of civilization; aka the middle east. The USA's once great army, de-funded and de-funked, squirrelled away side arms and rifles, which are now used to protect what ever is left of tillable land here.
Only the strong, and the armed shall be entitled to hold - and farm - the land.
There are no police forces, fire departments, civil courts or local governmental entities. Hospitals are spare bedrooms at the mercy of a caring person. Vaccinations now gone, plagues now run rampant and common sense dictates that those who survive, isolate themselves from the travellers who bring the germs, or the sick.
There ARE pleanty of peasants and nomadic family tribes who scrounge for food. The only "local" authority is the one who sold his soul to the tyranny of the First Premier and collects taxes in the old style of simply taking what they want as they travel through the countryside. That is why only the well armed will hold land. Armed well enough to repel the tax assessor. Can't pay? No problem - we'll take your daughter for my harum or your son for my army.
____________________________________________________
There are a variety of avenues that this vision of the future could take.
None of them seem to be promising.
All of them involve a rapid dying off of the civilian population. Only the strong will survive.
Civility, and what we now now as society could crumble and descend into another midevil feudal society rather swiftly after the collapse of the economy, jobs and the governments defaulting, decaying and dying.
Clearly - this WILL happen.
When?.... becomes the operative question as today's world spins towards a war of the "haves" and "have nots". Buying gold - as is so often touted on talk radio and tv - isn't the answer. Arm yourself - learn to hunt - rid yourself of your glitzy electronocrap - and get yourself wilderness trained. Learn to make fire from nothing. Fire is one of the cornerstones to survival in the future.
It's nearly time.
From time to time, I get... what I call "flashes". I don't consider them "visions" but what I do consider them as are Beacons of probability.
In December, 1979, I had a flash that my life was changing - dramatically. I couldn't foresee this flash as a beacon, but rather, I KNEW in my CORE that things were no longer going to proceed as a status quo. The following February, (30 years ago today - as a matter of fact) I proposed to the mother of my kids. It changed my course of what I then knew as my life.
But I have had subsequent flashes, where I did peek beyond the beacon and glimpsed what I thought MAY be a ray from the future. Back in 1982, after completing and submitting my sequal to Star Trek - the Wrath of Khan, I had one such flash. I had began another story-line, about a visionary elder teaching kids about the past civilization while the younglings parents were out doing their daily hunting and gathering of food. It was a futureistic - post nuclear holocost scene, taking place in a large, open cavern of sorts. In essence, we post nuclear holocost survivors had been thrown back to the stone age.
With today's world events unfolding, I can foresee a much different time in the future. A hillside farm - plows driven by oxen, wells for water and no electricity, phones, computers or modern electronocrap. We plant our food, shear our sheep for wool, slaughter a cow for meat and salt it to keep it longer.
What's happening to make me "see" this beacon of a flash from the potential future?
Our government is spending money that our great, great grandchildren won't be able to repay. And - for what? ENTITLEMENT PROGRAMS? Talk about an elitist utopia (Utopia is a term straight out of Karl Marx).
One day soon, Iran and Isreal will go to war. Iran WILL nuke Isreal and they'll retaliate. China - who's been stealthily supporting Iran and lying quietly in wait, will conquer whatever is left of Asia, and perhaps beyond. Russia will be no more. Europe will implode from within as the Muslim population is the only segment growing there. Musilm terrorist moles in every corner of the world will come out in the open and simply overtake the remains of Europe - who themselves have crushed their capitalist societies under their own weight as well as the now defenseless North Africa and parts of Canada .
The old USA will be gone. The progressive liberals will have spent the wealth of the goose that laid the golden egg on social programs. Defense will become all but impossible, as defense programs, aviation, NASA and military research had all been gutted earlier to pay for the Premier's folly - social medic-obamacare - cradle to grave pacifism.
What IS left of the military will have a difficult enough time repelling the hoards of armed invaders, and the only domestic protection will be souvenier firearms remaining from previous world conflicts. Those spiratic conflicts lead to the great nuclear event in the now "hot sands" area of what once was the cradle of civilization; aka the middle east. The USA's once great army, de-funded and de-funked, squirrelled away side arms and rifles, which are now used to protect what ever is left of tillable land here.
Only the strong, and the armed shall be entitled to hold - and farm - the land.
There are no police forces, fire departments, civil courts or local governmental entities. Hospitals are spare bedrooms at the mercy of a caring person. Vaccinations now gone, plagues now run rampant and common sense dictates that those who survive, isolate themselves from the travellers who bring the germs, or the sick.
There ARE pleanty of peasants and nomadic family tribes who scrounge for food. The only "local" authority is the one who sold his soul to the tyranny of the First Premier and collects taxes in the old style of simply taking what they want as they travel through the countryside. That is why only the well armed will hold land. Armed well enough to repel the tax assessor. Can't pay? No problem - we'll take your daughter for my harum or your son for my army.
____________________________________________________
There are a variety of avenues that this vision of the future could take.
None of them seem to be promising.
All of them involve a rapid dying off of the civilian population. Only the strong will survive.
Civility, and what we now now as society could crumble and descend into another midevil feudal society rather swiftly after the collapse of the economy, jobs and the governments defaulting, decaying and dying.
Clearly - this WILL happen.
When?.... becomes the operative question as today's world spins towards a war of the "haves" and "have nots". Buying gold - as is so often touted on talk radio and tv - isn't the answer. Arm yourself - learn to hunt - rid yourself of your glitzy electronocrap - and get yourself wilderness trained. Learn to make fire from nothing. Fire is one of the cornerstones to survival in the future.
It's nearly time.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Life's Oddities
When you WANT time to fly, it doesn't.
When you DON'T, it does.
At this late stage in my life, I find myself wishing that it were four months later.
And - in moments - like now - when I am quite reflective and time is creeping by at a snail's pace, I find myself reflecting upon cornerstone points in my life, when I opted for the wrong path. I do that frequently, mind you. Given clear choices, I'll seem to always opt for the one that has the over-sized mallet waiting to squash me.
I made that bad choice numerous times: On or about 30 years ago; Around 20 years and 6 months ago; About 14 years and 4 months ago; Around 11 years and 4 months ago and again 11 years ago; a little over 10 years ago; about 7 years and 9 months ago; Around 5 years ago and again about a year and 5 months ago. Each of these events were either women related, housing related or money related. ALL were mistakes of varying proportions. Some affect me still.
There's no RESET button in life.
Choose wisely!
When you WANT time to fly, it doesn't.
When you DON'T, it does.
At this late stage in my life, I find myself wishing that it were four months later.
And - in moments - like now - when I am quite reflective and time is creeping by at a snail's pace, I find myself reflecting upon cornerstone points in my life, when I opted for the wrong path. I do that frequently, mind you. Given clear choices, I'll seem to always opt for the one that has the over-sized mallet waiting to squash me.
I made that bad choice numerous times: On or about 30 years ago; Around 20 years and 6 months ago; About 14 years and 4 months ago; Around 11 years and 4 months ago and again 11 years ago; a little over 10 years ago; about 7 years and 9 months ago; Around 5 years ago and again about a year and 5 months ago. Each of these events were either women related, housing related or money related. ALL were mistakes of varying proportions. Some affect me still.
There's no RESET button in life.
Choose wisely!
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