Monday, December 28, 2020

I'm tired

Driving all the time, then coming home to cook dinner, clean up dishes and shower.  It gets old, especially when she just sits home and cries all day.  If she wants to get better,  she'll have to do something, instead of nothing all day. 

I looked up addiction to atavan,  and she demonstrates the symptoms!

I'm tired of worry, stress, work nonstop and lack of fun. Wednesday is my audition with the route  95 band. I still need my equipment to arrive and she wasn't here today to receive it. If she's gone again tomorrow,  I'm gonna get pissed

Saturday, December 26, 2020

a roadie day

Nearly $100 today.
I'm tired. Much driving.  

Need the cash.

Friday, December 25, 2020

Christmas 2020

The domestic drama ceased for a while when Sallie was here. Toward the end of her stay,  Heather started getting achy again.  Meals were good. No roadies today. 

Got Merry Christmas messages from Del, Erica,  Jessica,  Linda.  Messaged others.

Drums came in yesterday and I set up  the basics today
 Ordered a snare, stand and 3 cymbal stands from sweetwater yesterday.  Hopefully here soon. Then, the new drumhrad will cost 94.

I WILL gig again... soon!

Monday, December 21, 2020

2020 sucks

I started weekend roadies to make extra money.  Now I do it to stay away from the house.  Today I got a call from Heather's phone as I pulled into the car shop to get my tires retorqued. It was Rachel next door. She and Mike were babysitting Heather during one of her meltdowns. 

Oh joy. Heather can't be left alone. 

_________

I hear from Lauren less and less.  
I'm letting her fade away.  2031 better be better than 20 was. I need some happiness in my life.  I'd like a slender,  confident blue eyed woman in my life who wants to love me both emotionally and physically.  

Heather can go to Gary for all I care.  I'm tired of being the caretaker in my relationships. 

Sunday, December 20, 2020

12.20.20

Only 11 more days in this God forsaken year.

Today was an exercise in stress.
So so breakfast followed by fruitless antiquing.  Strenuous arguing over did she take her meds... one minute yes... the next, no. Tired of pills... refusing to nap... crazy eyes bulging... erratically moving arms and legs... hunchback limp... moaning and coughing.  

I missed morning roadies.  Wasted time
Started wash. Went grocery shopping,  cooked dinner only to have her gag and moan she can't eat it. 

Put up tree trying to alter her mood. 
She finally collapsed at 7:45 pm.

I'M FUCKING EXHAUSTED 

Thursday, December 17, 2020

12/17/20

Apparently,  I'm undesirable. 
Except for Heather who is acting like she is trying to rekindle.  I don't want that.

I guess I will just keep working.  It's all I've ever been good at.  Relationships no. Work yes. ALWAYS been that way.  ALWAYS!

I don't find joy in Facebook,  messenger or texts.  I used to get a charge out of getting texts from Lauren.  Now I don't even get texts.  She's done and I'm gone. 

Life's taken more twists and the only constant is work.  

I also fill in with roadies and that too is a bit dull. I need a break... from life

Sunday, December 13, 2020

its it's been a weekend . ..

First, I find out that John Raab is hospitalized for the 2nd time for covid. Sounds like his blood O2 level is the last thing to clear before his release. 

Then, I find out that the Boneyard Mayfield was razed to the ground last month.  The best venue in Cleveland now is gone. Quite sad.

Tonight, I heard Rick Starnoni,  former Jake Blues of the Brothers Blues Band,  R-Kive and Deja Vudoo Band has passed away from covid earlier today.  His last post on Facebook was on 12/4, saying  Pray for me". 

Judging that Cy Sulak also had Covid earlier in the fall, this virus is now hitting way too close to home. 

Furthermore,  with only duos and solos surviving and larger venues closing,  plus those who've now been lost or sick, I suspect the music scene is changed forever 

Saturday, December 12, 2020

Farcebook

This year,  I left Facebook 5 days before my birthday.  Staying away until now. Noone messaged,  noone missed me. Not even a where are you?

Business went on as normal.  Real friends messaged with texts.  It was as if nothing had changed.  

Well that's wrong.  I changed.  
I'm going back to Facebook and deleting my Farcebook account again because I've grown past it 

Friday, December 04, 2020

12/4/20

Lauren stood her ground and on one hand, I'm let down (my own doing). On the other hand,  I'm relieved.  Reprieved.  Let off the hook.

Lesson learned 

She's in there again

Wednesday evening,  Heather asked me to call 911.

This time, blood pressure was the culprit.  

I'm really tired of this drama 

Wednesday, December 02, 2020

I'm a yoyo

Yesterday,  Lauren and I chatted nicely for about an hour. Crazy chick. I kept it light and noncommittal.  We each talked about our snowy days.  Still it was nice

She opened up the conversation.  I didn't think I would hear from her. But she did. It was nice. 

I overstepped a bit when we were talking about ENT drs.  She works for one. I said my crooked nose was beneficial to kiss her without poking her eye out.

So, I apologized today.  Haven't heard back. Maybe she had to work tonight,  or has other plans. 

If it's meant to be,  I'll hear from her. 
If not, I've already pulled back from her emotionally 

We'll see. 



In the meantime,  Heather is back In the hospital again.  I think I'm done there

Monday, November 30, 2020

Last day...

Several things are coming to a close this month. 

Most recently,  I've all but closed the door on Lauren.  Her attitude towards me on Saturday was the first and final blow. I will not step back into a Jude or Cheryl like guillotine again. I'm worth more than that.

Tonight marks the end of my private health insurance life. Tomorrow is my first day on medicare. 

November marks the last full month of my age at 64. In 11 days I'm 65. Things will change. Within that time, I will deactivate Facebook in that timeframe. My later return will be unceremonious. 

In short, along with covid,  deaths of personalities,  and friends,  closing of businesses, restaurants and bars,  its been a horrendous year. Perhaps changing lifestyles in the future as well.






Sunday, November 29, 2020

And so it played out. ..

Saturday cemented the future. 
Lauren introduced me to her daughter, Sarah and her boyfriend,  Joe. They were very nice.  Lauren was not, however.  Her comments were almost caustic. 

Her snide comments were very Jude like or Cheryl like. Almost always converse to everything I said.  Or very quiet. She became sharp and even nasty once during a conversation about her chances of work prospects in the future.  

I don't need that attitude.  I don't need to walk on eggshells when I talk.  As much as it hurt to hear her talk to me that way,  I realized a future of that is not what I wanted 

Friday, November 27, 2020

The end of a long, short week.

Just days ago,  Lauren texted about Saturday.  4 pm. Meet at her house and then her daughter and bf would take us to go see Christmas lights.  Lauren said her daughter wants to meet me.  

On one hand... OYE. 
On the other hand... silence from Lauren since.  I feel like I am bothering her.


I can't take much more of this. 
I think after Saturday,  I'll resign into my cave 

Sunday, November 22, 2020

This week's wrap up.

Yesterday,  I had  wonderful lunch with Lauren.  Time always flies so fast when I'm with her. Then,  we chatted back and forth throughout the afternoon and evening.  Simply wonderful. 

Then I remembered as she got out of the car,  when we hugged,  she kissed me on my cheek.  I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.  That didn't last long though.  Last night,  after a half dozen beers,  I texted her. Probably made an ass of myself.  Probably ruined the friendship.  

I'm such an ass

Thursday, November 19, 2020

a longer follow up week.

After an exceedingly long weekend,  a longer week.

The multiple trips to the ER only yielded more anxiety and 2 more trips to the hospital..
 By way of ambulance.  The first,  she was kept overnight and a much stronger anxiety med proscription issuesd. She refused to get it. After our dinner at B&K she headed to her bedroom right away. I went to bed at 8pm. 9:30, she was up again,  pacing,  shaking an saying she was sorry that she killed me, Sallie, Randy and Gary.  She self diagnosed herself into a frenzy thinking that she has spinal meningitis. 

She was inconsolable 
 Paramedics took her away.  Two days later,  since the hospital wouldn't tell me anything,  I tried to sign out a missing persons report. 
A dat later, they said they know where she is and she's not lost or in any danger.  

I contacted Gary and Randy.  Neither know where she is.  I contacted Gina,  who called the hospital and found out that Heather's in Willoughby,  the same mental place where Sarah was one time.

Sunday, November 15, 2020

A very long weekend

In 3 of the past 6 days,  Heather has had 5 hospital trips. This is really getting old.

Possible causes to back, feet, shins, neck, skin, mouth and throat pain:

After 6 vials of blood, new drugs, an MRI,  and more pain, antibiotics,  anxiety meds, claritin,  and countless consultations,

Possibilities include; STD's, covid, herpes,  some yet to be diagnosed virus, old back injuries,  meningitis,  and anxiety  with bi-polar disorder. 

Front runners are now gonnahria,  meningitis,  (the latter self diagnosed thru Google and Facebook, by her).

She hasn't really slept in a week. She's erratic with her meds. Takes for a day and stops. Paces around the house, freaking out Dot and me. She pees her bedding and underwear all the time.

I've done 12 loads of laundry,  some clothes 3 times already. I've done Dozens of trips up and doing stairs,  listening to her moan, seeing her rock back and forth,  shaking hands and arms. 

The latest trip to the hospital resulted in no new disease estimates but severe anx, bi-polar disorder and was given an antibiotic,  claritin and a stronger anxiety med. 

Any more of this and I'll have to make a break for it to save my own sanity. 


On top of all of it, she broke up with Randy and is holding Gary at bay. She thinks Randy gave her gonnahria,  and hasn't spoken or texted him after he admitted being with someone else a month ago. 

I didn't text Lauren from early Friday night until tonight after dinner.  I'm a bit pissed because she cancelled our date for the 3rd week in a row.  I've stopped asking and closing my heart to her the same way I did with Dawn 

Now... sleep,  if I'm permitted 

Friday, November 13, 2020

turning the page, AGAIN ???



Last weekend,  I was to go out with Lauren, again.  Too bad of an air quality.  Let's try next week.  Tonight, another cancellation. There was at least one more cancellation before. 

It proves I'm not interesting enough to travel for weekend booty calls across the state for 4 years. As well as the Washington DC guy, newspaper guy, or even Jonathan Hillstrand a couple times. 

I was interested.  Now I'm rejected... again. Just like Dawn, who told me that her hair Is blond everywhere,  and how she really liked sex. Then... poof.

Perhaps it's time for me to dissapear.




Thursday, November 12, 2020

Whew, what a couple of days!

On the vivid dreams heels of the last post came some wild ass shit. 

Yesterday,  started early enough,  me taking a package to a place that was shut down on Tuesdays delivery.  And somehow I was late to work by an hour. Got done on time.

What I didn't know was that Heather went to a doctor later in  the day to get STD tests, because she cornered Randy on who else he'd been with recently.  The response was even more ominous than what I had earlier predicted. 

He'd been with several people,  by his nonchalant response,  leading Heather to let her mind run away with her again.  

Had a GREAT conversation with Lauren last night.  Went to bed early.  

Left early this morning after a night of screaming in pain by Heather.  This was the 2nd in a row. Heather stopped me on the way out to take her to the main Aultman hospital,  where she had an MRI, drug infusion for pain, and more scans regarding STDs and pain management.  No fractures was the good news.

Bad news was that she most probably has climidia or gonnahria  and perhaps for a while.  Randy never called once. Gary,  her benefactor,  blew up Heather 's phone. 

She's got more work to do, but in Heather's own words,  she saw a different scenario playing out before her eyes, with Gary moving up front. 

I was tired all day as a result.  Sleep is not far off now.

A rush of activity that will culminate on Tuesday with the lab results on her std. She also got some drugs that will make her sleep. 

Wonder who'll star in my next vivid dream?

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Another vivid weird dream

Last night,  I was riding in a 2 seater convertible as a passenger with presumably having Jimmy driving. We were on a suburban side street,  going slow. Up from behind us walked Diana, following and catching the car. I saw her and said hi. She reached out and holding onto my hand,  asked us to stop, as she wanted us to be friends. 

We stopped at a diner. While Jimmy ate, I sat across the table and talked to Diana.  She said she didn't like how we ended and wanted to be friends.  We talked some more. always holding hands as she played with my fingers.  The words spoken but I don't remember,  other than feeling heartfelt warmth from her.  

She stepped away for a moment, talking to a lady..
 Some kind of consultant.  I heard Diana say, well I'm a truck driver now and they owned 2 houses between them so her house would have to go. 

During her conversation with the consultant,  I saw her glancing at me several times. 
Then her voice got soft as she was privately talking to the consultant.  Still glancing at me once in a while. During this time,  I got the feeling that she was speaking to a wedding consultant and was getting married.  Then I got the feeling that her trying to make amends was so she could go into a marriage without any guilt. 

I felt dazed when I woke and a bit foreboding.  As if I had a glimpse of the future here. Of course I felt a sense of loss,  and yet knowing it wasn't my path, I was OK with it.  

As it was time to go, we slowly drove off, we were suddenly on  Diana's road as she walked adjacent to the car, smiled and waved as the whole dream faded.

Sad, but completed. I was reminded of how much we were in love with each other for a time. A time gone, but we were once very much in love 

Sunday, November 08, 2020

November crossroads

On Halloween,  Dawn invited me to a private party at Nashville Nights.  I showed up and was told tho opposite of everything she said previously. I got stares and glares from the owner's family. Said hi to Dawn as she promenades in and then she starts setting up.  I recognized a few people but left very early, feeling out of place. 

We chatted for a couple days afterwards,  but I stopped chasing someone who keeps me around for her own attention when others stop chasing her after a while. That was a week ago and nothing since. 

_________________

Meanwhile,  Heather strolls in on Tuesday,  after being gone since Saturday.  The ensuing week was appointment after appointment,  doctor after doctor,  descending worse into the emotional abyss of rants and crying.  I'm at the end of my rope. 
_________________

Meanwhile,  Lauren had a daughter scare  with covid.  Negative. We chatted all throughout the time, and she agreed to another meeting tomorrow.  This time I pick her up at her house.  Then off to Wallace lake for a couple hours. She said she's looking forward to it.

During our talks, she and I have gotten closer.
I'm looking forward to it too. Just us. No music or loud distractions.  Maybe I'll even get to hold her hand!

Sunday, November 01, 2020

cold November 1st

Rain again today. Windy and cold too.
The ugly part of November came early.

Dot and I stayed in watching movies. 
Fell asleep in the process.  Now I dread Heather's return tomorrow afternoon. 

I'm still talking to Dawn.  Thought it was over.

Had fun talking to Lauren.  She opened up a bit more today.  I like her. Maybe some day...?

Who knows.  I'm tired now

Saturday, October 31, 2020

I'm doing it wrong

I'm glad October is over. 
I've turned so many pages.  
It's no longer 100% recollectable. 

New job. Roadie fees went down and gigs fewer and farther between.  I went to 1st American Couriers. Money will get better as I gain experience. 

I haven't seen Lauren in 2 weeks.  First weather,  then covid tests.  I don't know where I stand with her. I think that it's still good. We still text almost daily but... who knows. 

Speaking of covid,  Sallie was exposed and is quarantined for weeks

Heatheris at Randy'sfrom lastthurs to Monday afternoon I'm good being alone. 

Dawn shot me down in a friendly way a couple of days ago. I went to the birthday party . I'm quite done. She always said sugar and would sweet talked me back. And then I'd flop again.  She's outta my league anyway. 

I'm feeling alone 

Monday, October 26, 2020

Changes

Well, Lauren said she wasn't rebuffed.  
Perhaps,  perhaps not.  
While we continued to text, she postponed meeting again.  Today,  she never texted once. I feel like she's retreated.  Moving on...

Late last week,  Dawn started messaging and texted a new photo that I claimed was gorgeous and she used as her profile. She invited me to a private birthday party at Nashville Nights on Halloween.  We continued to message - even today.  She calls me sugar all the time.  I have no way of knowing what she thinks as she flirts very heavy and then drifts away.  

Saturday,  I went to Impulse.  Many were there.  Suzanne Sohar came up to me to talk. She had just refriended me the week before.  She came up to say that it was her birthday and her boyfriend was there.  I said I saw. 
Earlier that day her profile was up and her status was single.  Later that night,  her status... her profile was gone. Something must have happened.  Who knows?

Two weeks ago,  Heather hurt her back cleaning.  Initially diagnosed with ruptured disks, she bounced back way too fast for burst disks. Time will tell.

So the miraculous recovery also allows for Heather's weekend with Randy and her Herman's Hermits show. I was hoping to get a couple dates in. Who knows now. 

Sallie has been quarantined for 2 weeks due to a classmate getting covid. Heather is taking this like a vacation 

I started a new gig today. Replacement of Roadie on a positive replacement.  Time will tell...

Friday, October 23, 2020

Oops, I did it again

This is 2 parts.

Part 1
I completely opened up to Lauren. Talked about family parties,  invitations to dinner at her house.  Softball game at her house with a water balloon fight, Lauren pushing me into the pool, our make out sessions at a party and one midday visit once where we went downstairs and necked for a bit while she was on lunch. These things and others,  I distinctly remember. 

NOPE never happened.  Did She block them out? Was I hallucinating? Was it a fantasy? 
Nope.  I remember the make out sessions happening.  
She was convinced they never happened and I wasn't delusional.  Maybe I dreamt them.

They happened.  I started wondering who. Then I think.... Barb Daniels???  I can't be sure,  but that might be the answer.  She also came to parties and she and I did date some. 

But Lauren was rebuffed and repulsed.  I was even accused of being with Laura Hazen or Jeannie Dobie. Neither were friends of Lauren and she hates them as Linda dumped Lauren and even ignored her at a recent reunion.  Jeannie was Kathy Dobie's sister and I hated the stuck up bitch. I'm guessing Laura Hazen was Amy Hazen's sister,  but Amy was a popular cheerleader and not very likely to talk to me. No way on either chick. 

So I have repulsed a very nice, very comfortable feeling Lauren.  

Funny.  4 weeks ago,  I ended use of allopurinol and started tart cherry extract.  I had no returning of gout and my joints feel great! So I looked for a substitute for lisinopril and found one. Been on that for 2 weeks.  Lisinopril side effects were horrendous.  Dizziness,  dry mouth,  constant pee trips, aching joints,  stomach  problems including indigestion,  even cancer,  and loss of interest in sex. HELLO! Since I've been off lisinopril I get hard ons and am horny!!! BENEFIT!!!

But now, I've driven Lauren away.

Sigh.

Tuesday, October 20, 2020

Well now...

Lauren and I had our second date last weekend.  She is SO easy to talk to.  She said the same thing on Sunday night when we texted.  It's like time flies... Whoosh... when we spend time together.  I'd like to see her more, and this time,  I'm not rushing her.  I'll let her choose the place and time.  

_______________

On other notes...
I've successfully backed off of  Dawn.  Still, from time to time she'll message me,  something like last week,  "I want to kiss you all over your face" out of the blue. I suspect that she has a stable of guys who she keeps around list to message from time to time to keep her getting attention she craves.  That's kind of a sad existence,  but that's how she strikes me.  Feeling lonely,  text a guy.
That's why I backed off. There's nothing underneath the image she's trying to maintain. 

________

More when I think of it 

Sunday, October 11, 2020

yesterday must have been an alignment

Last night, after almost a week of planning,  Lauren and I met at the Inn Between bar for a few beers and munchies. 
Honestly,  it was the best time I had with a girl in a long, long time.  No pretenses,  no expectations,  just talked. We have a great deal in common!
Even the night time texts and later this morning were fun. Again,  no expectations and no pretenses.  It was a good night.


Then, out of nowhere,  Dawn starts messaging me. She said she always thought I was gorgeous and wants to kiss me all over my face. Hmmmm.
...
Why do I doubt her???

Saturday, October 10, 2020

I'm on vacation

So, it's Saturday morning.  Heather's been gone since yesterday at noon. Won't be back until sometime Monday 

That's a 3 day weekend for me 

Wednesday, October 07, 2020

Dreams

Not the Fleetwood Mac kind.
Vivid dreams.

My mind has been busy the past few days. Whether Eddie Van Halen's death, or work concerns, I've been mentally busy. I didn't sleep much last night either.  However just before awakening,  I must have slept enough to get a dream in.

It involved Jude. She and I were talking very nicely and just as I woke up she kissed me goodbye at the end of our conversation.  We were at the sly fox and I was leaving when it happened.  I only remember that and waking up thinking "what the hell happened??"

Perhaps it's because I have been chatting with Lauren and we started talking about meeting up for a couple of beers. 

It could have been Eddie Van Halen's death and feeling a subconscious need to wrap up any unresolved feelings from the past. 

Whatever it was,  I woke so disoriented that I missed a day of gigs.

10/6/2020

The day that EVERYONE felt like they were punched in the stomach. 

Eddie Van Halen died on 10/6/2020

Cancer sucks.
2020 sucks.
Cancer = 2020

Tuesday, October 06, 2020

2020 reflections - so far

2020
The year that will forever be synonymous with shit. Music shutdown.  Bars shutdown.  Jobs shutdown.  Economy shutdown. 

It's been an emotional nightmare. 
It's been an emotional readjustment. 

I think I've been cured of playing music live.
I KNOW I've been cured of photography of live events and weddings. Those doors are all but closed. 

Additionally,  the women front has resurfaced on many areas. With Heather now juggling two men,  I've begun searching for myself. 

Lonely nighttime conversations began with the following women:

Dawn: almost desirable in every way.  Blond, blue eyes,  tall and slender yet shapely.  We talked a lot. A LOT!! Confessed crushes on each other,  considered meeting.  Never did. The more we talked, the less deep she was. While she was devoted to her family,  men seem to be a toy for her momentary amusement.  I backed off and the feelings subsided. The downside was smoking,  her teeth and her shallowness.  

Anita: we chatted a bit. I got scolded on the importance of her family and how she reevaluated the bar scene. Pretty blue eyes and gorgeous smile plus her dancing abilities were offset by her smoking and condescending attitude. 

Patricia from Nashville Nights: She started hitting on me again at the Red Fox during an Impulse show. Again at Cliffside Key Club.  She started holding my arm, and staring at me during my watching of the show. It was uncomfortable as hell. She's nice as a friend but that is all. 

Suzanne Sohar: she's got a cute face and smile, huge tits that she flaunts but a large body as well. She's flirtatious as hell, sexually suggestive and a sweet voice.  She had flirted harder than anyone else did late last year, then dropped friendship and even blocked me until I started going to see Impulse again.  Recently refriended me and I scoped out her profile. She had a boyfriend earlier this year but now lists as single again.  I guess that's why she blocked me and then refriended me now that she's single again.  I must resist the urge to hit on her because I suspect she has a stability problem. I don't need another Heather. 

Lauren Wojciechowski (Kroggle): Very recently we started texting and discovered we have similar disasters in our pasts.  Multiple bad relationships,  etc.
We exchanged phone numbers and talked about going out for a beer to catch up in person.  Might do it, but she has a few downfalls.  She is incredibly thin... looking almost sickly.  Her teeth are dark in spots and she smokes,  apparently a lot. Her face is wrinkled and drawn and she keeps her hair unkempt.  Perhaps nothing more than a friend. 

_____________________

Perhaps with all the Heather drama going on, I will also be distancing myself at home as well.  She's getting lazy again. Last week was all gung ho on cleaning,  now talking about changing careers again.  I'm tired of it with her. Truly tired.  Emotionally she bounces all over the place and I no longer have it in me to boost her up to a stable level.  Heather and I are done in so many ways!

I need a clean break 

Friday, October 02, 2020

time's up

Been thinking about emotionally releasing the past. Just letting it go. However,  isolating the problems are difficult. 

Cheryl triggered me with her emotional screaming outbursts.  Then her demeaning,  condescending words. 

The same thing happened with Jude. 

I believe it started with Nancy's ranting after the affair.  The subsequent spending spree bankrupted us into a point of no return. 

When a girl starts screaming,  I get tense, and want to head for the hills. In the past, even Diana yelled and I subsequently spent money on rocks, sump pump and drain tile. 

Either I have to isolate from girls or hibernate.  

Now, a funny chain of events.  
A ghost from the past refriended me last night. After half a year's absence,  and 2 recent trips to see Impulse,  Suzanne Sohar popped up.  Funny thing is,  I had thought about her sexual texts and messages just recently.  Thought I might try to take her up on her propositioning me this time. See if I can finally climax in a girl. We'll see 

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

Dreams

 Lately, my subconscious mind must be in overdrive.

As I am in a dream state while sleeping lately, I have had some seriously horrific dreams. Last night... a double header.
        First: I was apparently in a home with Cheryl and at least her two youngest kids. I remember getting out of bed for some reason, and showering. Headed back to the bedroom, I was apparently not dressed... or not dressed enough. Because she was off standing at the other end of the room and shielding the kids. Bitching her lungs out. 

I woke up in horror. The last thing I remember in that dream was saying I'm Outta here! Not again!


        Second: I don't know how it happened, but I was in charge of care for Donald Trump. We were somewhere up high, like a trapeze. He wanted to walk out onto a thin strip of clothlike material across to the other pole, and hundreds of feet below was water. Trump wouldn't listen to anyone... and he slipped off. He caught himself and was hanging onto the strip of cloth. That's when I woke up. Prophetic? No way of knowing for 6 weeks. However, yesterday night was the first Presidential debate, which I didn't watch. But today's sound bites sound like two 5 year olds having a yelling war.

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

This path

The more I think about it,  the more I realize that the path I am currently on will need to change. Since there is no real relationship with Heather,  there's no point in continuing the charade of "us". 

It's OK for her to have her flings. 
Why can't I have them as well? Except for by definition,  a fling implies sex, which I haven't felt comfortable in since 2005.

Within the confines of this living situation,  I cannot have a healthy relationship of my own.  I need to be more FREE than I am.  Free to come and go.  Free to stay out all night.  Free to entertain.  I won't have that here. 

Yet, she spends weekends away... plans vacations... talks of going away to Vegas or the Bahamas or Florida.  Meanwhile,  I work...

This path has to change 

Sunday, September 27, 2020

I no longer believe

Seriously,  was I supposed to believe in happily  ever  after?

While I enjoyed the band Impulse last night,  I felt strained with the company.  Patricia was there again.  Conversation moved to Nashville Nights and it sounds like one of the broken English guys wants to buy it. Supposedly it is still opening October 1st. 
We'll see 

Heather had dinner with her benefactor after spending the day with him. Tonight she messaged that Randy is spending winter in Florida.  So she better get a fling to replace him.

I didn't work today and it felt ok not to. Got a ladder hanger built in the garage,  did laundry and went shopping.  Busy, but same day!!

Dot slept.  Now so must I 

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Still reeling

After the events of this past week are settling in,  I find myself reflecting on the events of the past year.  6 solid months of nervous anxiety followed by a week of frantic lunacy and then silence.  

I'm sure it'll take a while to sink in. Sallie is quiet and sorrowful.  She lied, about everything.  Cost us $7000. Trusting her will never be the same.  

Heather now talks about going away with Randy on vacation.  What am I, sliced meat?? I won't let any grass grow under my feet.  She plays. I'll play! Wednesday,  I'll head to sly fox for Cys 69th birthday.  This weekend I'll find somewhere to go.  Maybe I'll find a lady.

I'm still looking at other places to live. She gets money from her benefactor and unemployment.  No incentive for her to work.  I, still average 250 a week, on Roadie. For me its about 31000 a year with social security.  I can get by on that.  


Monday, September 21, 2020

A new frontier

This weekend was multi faceted.  
Mostly surrounding the Kaiden Kares photo shoot Saturday.  Sallie was shipped off to Gina's for the weekend so we could do the photos. She returned home on Sunday. Heather spent most of the day talking to her afterwards. 

Results: Sallie never told the Gal she wanted to live here. A $7000 wishful presumption on Heather's part. Dropping the suit was the best decision. Huge letdown and at the same time,  relief. That life is now closed forever for me .

Heather now moves on to her boyfriends. I'm leisurely looking for another home. Either Wayne county or south to Bolivar/Navarre area.

A partner? No. Just hooking up from now on. 
I must now concentrate on me

Thursday, September 17, 2020

The end

Heather cancelled her lawsuit today.  
She willingly gave up access to Sallie's phone monitoring software.  She gained nothing in return. 

$6750 was spent to do that. 6 months of turmoil.  Sallie didn't do her part... ever.

CHANGES:
1. Sallie will never regain my trust.  
2. Heather is now free to have her side men whenever she wants. 
3. When Dot dies, I go. 

I'm done with all this drama. Her family.  Her ex's dealings... which will never go away. Her in laws.  

I pay off my cards, save up some cash and go. 

No more ties to women.  I'll date, but live separate.  IF AT ALL!

The stress over the past 6 months has been as bad as when I worked at MIS... and THAT was Bad!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Fog

They say you're in a fog...
Maybe because you're dopey.
Maybe it's because you just can't care anymore  . 

This morning Heather ceased her lawsuit. 
Quitting after she spent 6750.
She can't take the scrutiny into her mental health.  Mixed feelings result. 

No more complaints about what happened at her ex's.  No more visits here from Mike,  cheryl,  Marlene or Sarah.  All aren't allowed here... or I'm gone. Heather van go to her boyfriend or benefactor at will now

I'm done
Dot goes. I'm next

Then theres my scabbed over heart. I'm cooling dawn.

Saturday, September 12, 2020

Decision

Between yesterday and today,  I made a decision.  I need to start saving money to get outta here. 

Heather came home today instead of tomorrow or Monday.  My blissful weekend is now disrupted.  I have to put up with her bitching and whining tonight and all day tomorrow.  

No cleanings still. No more income and yet she runs up more Bill's. Tonight she subscribed to CBS all access and is watching some Kardashian like movie. I've retired to my room. 

I need to work MORE so I can start stashing 100 per pay in savings.  That way I'll soon have my security deposit for a new place.

I think the custody thing will be going south. Then, for the next 2 1/2 years, I'll have to hear all of both Sallies complaints as well as Heather's.  I'm beyond my patience Limit here.

Time to GO!

Moving on

Last night, as I was readying to go out I got a text from Patricia of Nashville Nights,  inviting me out... she didn't know who or where they were headed. I declined when she mentioned some DJ. 

After the night was over and I reflected on some older texts, I began to realize my own folly. I read some of Dawn's words... and what she really DIDN'T say. I read Anita's almost scolding words about no longer being one to go out. And there was Patricia's text. 

I realized that I was the fool. The chump, the one being played. Dawn's only looking for attention.  Anita's just looking to be left alone.  Patricia is looking to get a man.

I was blind

Wierd

I went to the Sly Fox last night to see PVP. About 50 people attended. The strangest thing was when Tom and Barb arrived  Tom came over. Daid he had to ask if Heather and I were still together.  I didn't hesitate and said, not in that way. We're still roommates but she's had a boyfriend in Berea for 2 years. 

He said that since Heather unfriended both of them they both surmised we were no longer a couple. Later, I had a chance of an in depth conversation and really filled in the gaps...
 Staying until Dot dies... stress involved with the trial and how there's only a matter of time for me. Etc...

Smart couple! They deduced it on their own 

Thursday, September 10, 2020

Sleepless Thoughts

So I drove a ton today and at 3:19 am I'm wide awake after about 2 hours sleep.  Thinking about work, drumming,  moving. All sorts of unresolved issues with prior women, former friends and so on. 

Funny... as soon as I start typing,  my eyes get sleepy. 

Tuesday, September 08, 2020

A Sense

In my life, I've been able to tell when a change was going to happen.  A "Sense" if you will. 

The undercurrent is swirling and foundations are getting ready to shift.  I can feel it.  What does it mean?

The custody case is coming up on two hearings this month.  Perhaps that.

My tolerance for Heather's moods is at it's end. Perhaps that. I HAVE been contemplating a move much more recently. 

I can't see Ohio loosening it's guidelines on coronavirus any time soon. There's just too much power that Deweenie would have to give up.  I feel that these restrictions will continue on into next year. So that's not it.

With the lockdown continuing,  I suspect all band activity to be minimal for the near future,  as well. I should practice more.

I've got this "sense" however that change of some kind is eminent.  

Monday, September 07, 2020

Limbo

2020 is a year in limbo.
EVERYTHING is on hold. 

Yesterday afternoon,  I  went out to take photos.  It was only the second time this year.  It felt good, but now I must be going back to work.  I need to make more money to pay off bills.  

I don't like where I am at emotionally either. I seem to be "on hold". I DID get to play out again,  which was something I thought I would never do again. Now, I'm at an emotional cross roads with it. Music is good but the environment to play out is not. I now feel that it'll be 2021 before we see some form of normalcy in this world. 

What will definitely HAVE to happen will be housing.  Where will I live when this is over? Heather is all wrapped up in her boyfriend and beneficiary.  She's not working much.  Her future will be dependent upon the outcome of her trial.  

Whatever happens with the trial,  my future is not with her.  I see us parting ways sooner rather than later.  Because once the trial is over,  there will be some other form of drama that she'll drum up, and I can't live that way.  I want peace and solitude.  

I'd love to live in a smaller town anyway.  There's already too much hustle and bustle here.  I'd rather be further away. 
Time will tell I guess.  Nothing to do but work and pay off bills right now 



Saturday, September 05, 2020

A simple task...

Simply put, I must distance myself from Dawn. She's a game player.  I bit on one of her posts again tonight.  

Why DUMBASS why?
You'll NEVER get her.

She is cute. She knows it
She knows how to play games far better than I ever could learn to. 
Apparently,  she places slightly suggestive posts and then sees who bites. She insinuates stuff and would let you gush to feed her need for attention.  

She repeats the process regularly.  She's a big game player.  To hear her talk, she repeats the same stories over and over, but never expands nor continues them. 

Her conversation is almost mindless,  as if she's repeating something someone else said without any originality or forethought on her own. 

I suspect that there is nothing behind that pretty face other than a vapid vacuum. 

I must cure my infatuation with her 

Labor Day and Chippewa Lake

519 Twilight Trail. 
The cottage. 

So many summers. So many trips to the park. Now the park is gone. Now the cottage is gone.  Now the entire block of Twilight Trail is gone. 

The memories remain. 
Summer 
Memorial Day 
4th of July 
Labor Day 
All had fireworks. 

Mom's birthday was always celebrated there.  Tante Emma always made mom a cake. 

I grew up having a great childhood. 
Period. 

Sunday, August 30, 2020

Resume of Bands and Artists

Resume of Local Acts/Performers I have taken photos, or made Marketing Promotional pieces for:

- 10 From 6
- 1988
- Abbey Normal
- Ace Molar - Studio and Promotional Photos along with most shows 2009-15 - Did Videos as well
- A Few Fighters - Plus Videos
- Almost Famous 
- Anne E. DeChant
- Armstrong Bearcat Band
- Austin Walkin' Cane
- Been A Long Time Band 
- Benefit Shows (various - through the years)
- Alex Bevan 
- Big Johnson 
- Blues Chronicles
- BMZY
- Brothers Blues Band - Did Videos as well
- Bronx Country 
- BUZZ Band
- Buzzy J & The Verbs
- Calabash
- Caliber
- Chaos In Paradise
- Chasing Kelly
- CIA
- Cleveland Roxx
- Cloud People
- Cover Shot Band - Logo and Marketing Pieces via Innovation Graphics
- CMC Jams
- Cold Blue Steel
- CollageBand Cle- 
- Conquer The World
- Dave Holmberg & the Rock Cats 
- Dave's Planet - photographer 2009-15; Plus Videos
- Diana Chittester
- Dirt
- Dirty Lookz
- Deja Voodoo Band
- Dennie Ray Hall
- Dirty Lookz 
- Disco Inferno
- Driven
- Duane Albert and Devil's Rodeo Plus Both Front and Back covers on his “Acoustic Roots-a-Billy” CD; Plus videos
- Ed Sarley - Midnight Blue CD cover
- Ed Sarley and the Survivors
- Faction
- The Feedbacks
- Fillmore East 2016-2017 - Did Videos as well
- Firelight
- Fischer Brothers 
- French Kiss
- FM Project
- Furious George Hartwig - Solo and as Trio
- Gary Neal and the Lavamen; Plus Promotional Photos 
- GeezCats
- Georgia and the Preachers - Also Six Shooter CD back Cover Shot 
- Glen Schwartz
- Grizzley
- Grunge DNA - Did Videos as well
- GYPSY- Plus Videos, Promotional Photos and Marketing Materials via Innovation Graphics
- Hammered
- Hit List 
- Humans Being
- Ignoring Daniel
- Impulse - Did Videos as well - Graphic Promotional Artwork
- In2Deep - Including various Promotional On Location Shots
- Invincible 
- Stephen Jochum
- Johnny Fay and the Belairs
- Juke Box Heroes 
- Kathryn Grimm 
- Kid Rodz
- Kingbees
- Jimmy Lee 
- Joe Vitale
- Jump The Gun
- Lights 
- Liquor Face
- Local Tavern Jam Nights - Willoughby Hills
- Local Tavern Jam Nights - Parma - Exclusive Sponsored Photographer
- Logos
- London Flats 
- Long Time Gone
- Lords of the Highway
- M & P Jam Machine
- Marina Strah 
- Michelle Romary Band
- Midlife Chryslers 
- Mighty Smithtones, Photos Plus Videos
- Mikayla King
- Monica Robins and the Ninja Cowboys - Did Videos as well
- Monica Robins and the Whiskey Kings
- Morrison Hotel (Doors Tribute) 
- Mummies
- Neil Zaza
- New Century Beatniks
- No Hurry Band
- Noizy Toyz (Also Toyz)
- Nora Jane Struthers
- One Hit Wonders
- Panama
- Pieces Of 8
- Pete Milo - Promotional photos
- PVP. the Peve Vardous Project 
- PMS Trio (Priscilla, Mike & Sammy)
- Pop Culture
- Post Road
- Pout
- Raised on Rock
- Recyclers
- Red Telephone
- Redneck Romeos
- Rick & The Cutting Edge
- Rocked & Loaded
-  Rubino Artist Entertainment 
- School Girl Crush
- Shady Drive - Some photos made it to their 3rd CD
- Sky's The Limit
- Sly Fox Jams
- Snake Rock and the Snake Rock Band
- Soul Departure Band - Promo Logo Pieces  via Innovation Graphics
- Spell Bound 
- Natalie Stamper and the One Shoe Highway plus Promotional Materials via Innovation Graphics; Plus Videos
- Stillhouse 
- Stone Pony
- Marina Strah
- Supergroup - Plus Promotional Photos 
- T-Dog 3 - Plus Videos
- Teaser - Shot this band from 2004-2009 - Did Videos as well
- Terry T - Artwork and Promotional Materials via Innovation Graphics.
- That 80's Band
- Thundercocks Cleveland
- Tommy Amato's Rock Relief Benefits
- Tommy & The Gunz
- Tripside Plus promotional Photos
- Two Guys and a Girl
- Tyrone Hornbuckle's TBS Blues Sensation
- Victory Highway
- Unglued - Plus Promotional Photos 
- US
- West Side Steve 
- Charlie Wiener 
- Wixy 1260 Band
- Wish You Were Here
- Xtra Crispy Plus Promotional Materials via Innovation Graphics, plus Videos
- Yoda Pez
- Yosemite Slim - Plus Videos
In addition, I've worked for Individuals, Band or Artist Managers; Producers; Recording Companies and Corporations.

last night

Last night, I went to the Red Fox in Cuyahoga Falls to watch Impulse.  I had FUN. 
A full band. A decent crowd.  Some friends.  Patricia from Nashville Nights was there and later, Dawn flitted in for a chat. Things toward Dawn had changed.  She looked haggard and I could tell she gained weight.  Her conversation revolved around the same old thing: Nashville Nights,  masks, covid and friends.  Nothing new. Nothing deeper. 

I now sense why her manager called her a dumb blond. She really has nothing but superficial small talk. 

Patricia and I talked a lot.  She's dating,  looks happy and much more mobile.  Topics included bands, my work, my living situation and what's next. 

That Suzanne Sohar was there. We didn't talk. Apparently,  she has a boyfriend now. 

But the MUSIC was the theme. It sounded great! I might be making posters for Impulse again.  

Monday, August 24, 2020

Time to let go...

Today, we got the first glimpse of how Heather's lawsuit will go. With the GAL citing both girls' counselors,  Heather's mental health is now in question.  At each turn, the GAL lied, contradicted herself and sided with Michael,  Heather's ex. As a parting shot, she said she would contact Sallie once again,  who apparently never told her she wanted to live here. Then, she later retracted her statement saying that she'd come here, and opted to see Sallie at school.  

The decision will be posted to the website in a couple of days.  I know that one of two things will happen.  No contact with Sallie..
 Or... contacting Sallie at school to be away from Heather's influence.  If either happens,  then that bitch GAL has already decided and there's no more to do.

I'm done.
I no longer will participate in that family's hysteria. I've started renewing my efforts to investigate rent in Wayne county.  

Once Dot's gone. So am I. 

Saturday, August 22, 2020

Further Drumming Thoughts


Today, I received the set of mesh heads and low sound cymbals I ordered Thursday.  I played for a while and noone heard me. 

This could help me get some serious practicing done. 

Here's the plan.
After last week's fiasco of an audition,  I had given up. I have decided to give it one.more try. Forgetting this year, I will practice up and be ready for 2021.

Far too many bands are booking and then cancelling gigs, while covid goes on and on. 
It appears now that autumn is now awash.  

So why not use the 4 remaining months in 2020 to hone my chops?

It's a thought...

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Drumming

Perhaps the turning point has been reached. 
Yesterday,  I auditioned for a band named Barking Bonze. In short, I sucked. I didn't keep the tempo up fast enough.  I didn't know some of the songs. A few i did ok on, but we only played for about an hour and a half. There are 2 more auditions next week. 

Whatever happens,  I think this is it. Whether I make it or not, I'm probably done. I hid my bandmix profile from sight. I'm past the prime I once had. 

The Buzzards accepted me because they were class c.  This band needs a working drummer,  not a novice. Silverback was more laid back, but smoked way too much for my tastes. 

That being said,  one thing is certain.  I took a fading pipe dream and within one year's time,  not only auditioned for a band... but auditioned for 3!!! Played in 2 and played in public prior to this Plandemic.  

One year ago, none of it was a reality.  Now... it is!

__________________

9/8/20 follow up. 
I didn't make the cut. It's OK though.

As much as I felt I didn't fit with the Buzzards,  I didn't fit Barking Bonze either.  The main family was far too into religion and church with their conversation during the audition.  They seemed preoccupied with other things to be focused on the songs. I also heard from the guys in Impulse that the keyboard player was an asshole.  I concur. 

In many ways the Buzzards rebuild of last fall was far more fundamental and organized than Barking Bonze.  Silverback had it's moments,  but I didn't care for Mike's smoking or his impatience.  

Will there be another band? No clue.  But I've transitioned to mesh heads and cymbals in order to practice unfettered.  Time will tell 

Monday, August 17, 2020

Better get this down

Yesterday's revelation causes further questions and doubts about the honestly of Heather.  

Heather dropped another bombshell. In addition to Randy... her boyfriend,  she has another guy. I call him her "benefactor".  He's supposedly a millionaire, big record company exec for Arista records.  Somehow,  she latched onto him, (allegedly 4 homes: Aurora; L.A.; New York and the Bahamas). Allegedly,  he sent her $1500 to help with Heather's current legal process to get custody of her one daughter; and has been sending Heather $500 per month since March to help with Heather's share of the rent. Further,  he says that if anything happens to me, he'll pay Heather's entire rent per month, (all $900) perpetually.  

Given her past borrowings from her dad and sister,  plus the 100 I paid back to the Eichensers,  plus her always finding cash in her pockets,  washer or purses.... I've begun wondering where and what she really does for money. 

Either way,  I now have less trust for her, less support for her and less interest in living here

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Paid off

As of 8/14/2020, my Bill's, except for my car, are all paid. All credit cards and my personal loan are paid.  The drums and all equipment are paid! 

Just my car..

 ...and today I looked into refinancing it at my credit union.  It could save interest,  save money and get paid off sooner 

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Identities

It's funny. 
The name of this blog is Erocker's Blog.
Erocker is an identity left behind in 2012.
In the midst of turmoil,  that ID was dropped from the internet, and left behind due to a massive yahoo hack in the same year. 

All of my contacts I had stored in that yahoo mail were stolen. All the saved emails too. So, feeling violated and with NO sympathy from Cheryl, another door to the past was closed. 

Now, in 2020, I walked away from the E.B.
 Williams name on Facebook.  After years of building a name in photography,  one year wiped it out. During that year, better cell phones and a global pandemic ended the necessity for wedding, graduation,  Band and even recreational photography.  And one Fillbilly wedding soured it for all. I no longer have the muse.

Further,  the diametrically opposed sides of masks, antifa, BLM and all their bullshit caused me to dump 4951 facebook friends down to less than 1000 in 3 months.... finally walking away about a month ago entirely. 

So another ID bites the dust. 

My new Facebook account has two friends and holding.  I may ditch them as well. Time will tell. 

Most of my efforts are currently being used to pay off bills. Once that's done,  I'll start saving money for my departure from this drama house


Monday, August 10, 2020

Turn the page

A few weeks back, I deactivated my E.B.WILLIAMS Facebook account.  It was a good choice.  To move forward I felt it was the only road ahead.  Now, I feel stronger about that decision.  

I've freed myself from my phone for one.  It really irritates me to see someone on her phone all the time, as if my presence were irrelevant. I now know how foolish that looks. 

The friends I had on Facebook were an illusion.  In reality,  I had no friends.  This was a first step back toward reality.  

Somewhere between March, when we were all locked  down, and now, I refocused on my bills.  The thousands I owed are nearly gone. The car is paid ahead and balance is down nearly 1000. By the end of August,  the car will be the only debt.  

Then, I can focus on saving.  I'll need about $5000 in reserves for the next step. Then I can move, to be alone again.  It will be nice to think my 8-900 per month will go towards owning rather than padding a landlord's pockets. 

There. That's the plan. 
And I don't have to sell anything else to accomplish it, as I had to in the past

Sunday, August 09, 2020

Facebook identity

A couple weeks ago,  I deactivated my E.B. Williams Facebook account.  Except for a brief period tonight when I posted a funny meme I made, I've enjoyed the lack of stress and drama that accompanied that identity. 

I spent time snooping around using my new ID, Will Buster.  Using the anonymity in snooping Judes profile,  I found out quite a bit about my so called friends and their unilateral support for her in late 2016. Better late than never in finding it out, even if it is almost 4 years late.  

It makes the decision to soon leave the area all that easier.  Once Dot's gone, so am I. 

So... what to do?
Save money.  After the bills are paid,  I'll start amassing savings for the move. Then... poof

Thursday, August 06, 2020

8/5/69

51 years ago,  I returned from my Germany trip, not realizing it would have changed the way I would see the world. 

I left as a 13 year old without direction.  Sure, I had recently picked up chores for the household due to dad's condition.  However it was only the beginning.  The outcome of that 5 weeks of reflection in foreign countries left me much more cerebral than a "typical"  13 year old.  

The following years left me highly observant of human nature and activity.  Even through high school, my silent,  distant observation had me observing when a girl liked a guy and she was off the market.  The only trick I lacked was the ability to apply that knowledge to me. 

That introspective deductive reasoning also helped discipline me all the way through eleventh grade.  Twelfth grade was a departure,  as socializing finally started catching up.  The next four years... clear through tri-c, were probably my hormones catching up.  BW was again more serious,  mostly due to the family connections to BW. 

Then came marriage,  the Mitchell connection and the downward spiral.  

But 1969's events were the shaping of my life.  

Wednesday, August 05, 2020

Note to self

As written in Facebook messenger to Kathy:

Know what?

My future is more uncertain than I once thought. 

I now know that Heather won't be in my life much longer.  Whether it's a day or 2 years, I am now seeing my life without her. 

I also know I'll be alone for the remainder of my life.  I'm good with that.  

Had I been 10 years younger,  I might have begun to look further south.... W. Virginia,  Tennessee perhaps.... somewhere with mountains. 

I've been working like mad, paying off all my Bill's as fast as I can. Only the car will remain by the end of the month.  Then, I'll continue to double up on the car.

As for my personal life,  as my former lustful life rears its ugly head from time to time,  I will probably bemoan the fact that so-N-so has great legs, or a beautiful face,  but I also realize that I've no bells to tingle her whistles,  so I've decided to close that door in my life.  This includes the fantasy I had of that recent girl, Dawn.  

Finally having left Facebook,  was probably one of the best decisions I had made in the last 10 years or so.  No more drama has it's pressure relieving benefits! Lol

Sunday, August 02, 2020

Once Upon a Universe

Just last week,  I had begun revisiting the past. Past space TV shows that is. Specifically,  Space 1999.

It was a show Doug Phillips turned me onto.  My mind was ripe and my imagination sparked by Star Trek ending 5 years prior and now firmly planted in channel 61 reruns. 

Space 1999 was set a mere 25 years into the future,  and having most recently watching NASA and the Apollo missions,  it didn't seem too far fetched. 

But, this was British TV and their production and special effects were... "Different " 

Still, I find myself reminiscing the feelings I had when I watched as a much more innocent 18 year old,  still with both dreams and memories of the space program.  

Looking back,  it was still a magical time, even though I was heading towards being an adult. 

The true covid numbers as of today

91,000 cases. 
11,700,000 people. 
The percentage = 0.0077777778

Your odds are 7.7 in 1000.

So let's mask the entire state; close the bars at 10; send out the Ohio Gestapo to write up violators; brainwash the minions via media on social distancing and shame them into masking, and clamp down on everyone's freedom because less than 1 in 100 will get sick.

This is the biggest lie EVER perpetuated on us. The flu has three times the cases every year and there's still no catch all vaccine.  

This isn't about a virus.
This IS a concerted effort to change our freedoms and affect the election while destroying capitalism and free commerce. 

Saturday, August 01, 2020

I've learned something in life

I remember back in high school, all the emphasis was placed on your future. I remember being told that decisions I made today will affect my life in the future. I don't see where playing football in high school help anyone.

In fact when I was enthralled with the reunions, I looked around and now I see back as a different person. I remember our football quarterback having no teeth in his mouth. He had no suit to dress up in.

I remember other jocks who did make something of themselves in a totally different direction. One became a principal in a high school. One became an EMT. To specifically that went into the military, still have their regular haircuts and one even wore his uniform to the XX reunions.

But as I look back, in the grand scheme of things, I don't see where any of that High School horseshit really helped. In fact, it is my belief, that all the college prep we did actually fill their heads with unrealistic expectations.

So in the long run what did I learn? I learned you are what you make it. Whether you are professor, a fireman, a politician, or a musician you make your own destiny. That's what I've learned.

Soon

I'm not sure what will happen,  but I suspect it will be soon. I have not prepared anything but something WILL take place. 

Heather's trips away are getting bolder. Meanwhile,  I sit. Dewine's clamping down further,  my increased workload.  The accelerated payment of my bills. Leaving me free.

Recently I have been contemplating places to live after while, for myself alone.  It seems logical as I have already been doing so for two years.

Where?
Further away,  perhaps south 
 

Thursday, July 30, 2020

Remington Station

While making deliveries today,  I delivered to Remington Station Townhome apartments.  What a beautiful place! Research showed that they are 2 bedrooms at $975 per month.  Kinda pricey but beautiful 

Bachelor's weekend

So, Dot and I begin our bachelor's weekend while she goes to Hocking Hills for her fuckfest weekend.  Then she has the Gaul to message me and state she wants to go to Towpath Tavern on Saturday night after she gets back. We can't afford that luxury any more. 

SMH

Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Grandpa for the 4th time

Today, Jessica had her baby girl

Johanna Mae

7 lbs 8 oz, 21.5 in
Born at 9:54

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Time for Distance

So, she saw my last posts. Didn't respond. 
I suspect she plays guys until she has them jumping through hoops.

She's cute. She knows it. She's been a model and knows how to make men pant. Too bad. I really had a thing for her. 

That's why it's time for some distance between us . 
I've overplayed my hand and almost got on the hook. I think it's time for me to disappear 

Monday, July 27, 2020

Ups and Downs

I'm seeing a pattern with Dawn.  She pushes and then gets timid or backs away. Usually I wind up pushing right after she does,  and then I feel like I've gone too far. Yesterday was one such time. 

I said I like her A LOT. But I've made some hasty decisions in my past, and some were bad. I said I didn't want to get hurt nor hurt her. 

Then later I said I probably scared her off. She said no. But nothing further. 

This is the second such round of th these cat and mouse games, and n dale w I feel less hopeful than before.  

Sigh

Saturday, July 25, 2020

Small bit of cloud nine

Last night I called Dawn. What a nice talk we had. Made plans to meet soon. Hopefully this will happen.

Edit:
She darts in and out of conversations with the skills of a surgeon.  Says little. Implies alot.  After tonight's chat, I'm feeling shot down again.

Friday, July 24, 2020

it's coming

I'm not sure what... but something is gonna change soon. 

Could be Heather's custody.  Could be the second stimulus.  Anything. 

With Deweenie masking the state, who knows? He's an asshole anyway 

Thursday, July 23, 2020

7/23/2020

Yesterday was a rather momentous day in Ohio.  Fuehrer Deweenie announced masks in all areas of the state.  MOTHER FUCKER!!!

Facebook as a result went ballistic.  I was tired of all sides of the bullshit mask issue, the BLM issue, the Defunding Police issue, the riots and backlash issues....  and also fucker who was thrown out of  10 from 6. First I blocked his ass... then I deactivated my account.  

No sense having a Facebook account if I'm not posting for photos any more 

Tuesday, July 21, 2020

Vivid Dreams and Struggling with Memories

I've always had vivid dreams. 
Recently,  I was waiting tables one night, recounting events of 35 to 48 years ago, as well as incorporating the Cerinos into the dream, as well as hostesses. Awakening,  I now realized that most of the people are long dead. 

I always had night terrors with being behind in my tables. Grumbling over late seatings by hostesses, losing track of orders. I was always afraid of falling behind.  Weird

How could I still have unresolved issues from that long ago that they would manifest themselves into my dreams?

Then another night, I was working with the Colonel Penn crew. Also 33 to 35 years ago.  Not so much people being vivid,  but issues.  The policy tote board, the computers. The layout of the office and the feeling of getting busted sabotaging quotes of Sarah Barker.  Weird.

Friday, July 17, 2020

What remains?

1998 - at the end of the year,  I ended the misery that was my marriage. After a full 4 years of persecution and constant reminders I had cheated, plus hundreds of thousands in debt, my life was over. 11/11/98 I moved out.  

I rekindled an affair with Mary Beth, for 6 weeks. Then poof. Suddenly,  alone, hurt and pissed because MB threw me over for her cousin. 

I ricocheted onto Cheryl's bed. On many levels, she and I were good together.  On equally as many levels she and I were bad for and to each other. I broke things off 3 times before we got married, one year to the day after we met.  In one year, we'd be separated and 9 months later,  divorced.  She slowly faded away.

10 months later I met Diana and we had 3 good years together.  But at 50, insecurities and E.D. gripped me. 3 more years and lots of alcohol later, she wanted to explore other men.  Poof. 

Four months later,  I wrote Cheryl a birthday email. We rekindled.  For a while it was good, but then she started showing signs that the sickness would be taking her. 2013... April...it did.

July, 2014. Met probably the most cold, skeptical person I ever met. An atheist named Jude. Broke it off in November of 2014. Took her to get her tests in December, but didn't rekindle until March 17, 2015, which was STILL  too soon. I needed more time to grieve for Cheryl.  

2015 plugged along.  Jude met the family at Thanksgiving.  Can't remember much about 2015, really, except for the house she purchased over memorial day.  Spent that July and August rehabbing it. Moved in September 15th ish. Her cat dying in November began the end. I started my move to the second bedroom.  

My 60th birthday was at Ace Molar at Barbarinos and Vicky Meany made Irish creme cakes. Jude must have had a hand in planning it. The biggest slap in my face was that was the day that Jude made Facebook friends with Jamie... whom she left me for 9 months later.  I moved out in November of 2016.

I had fully planned to not get involved with any one again. Heather contacted me before my move in date and the rest was present tense. I never should have gotten involved.  A messed up chick on multiple meds with a divorce and loss of her kids facing her.  

After a year, she wanted to move closer to her girls and found this place.  As we approach 3 years here, 2 years with her and Randy. I am alone in my room again. 

E.D. took Diana,  Jude and Heather  to other men. Cheryl and I weren't really about sex during the second time.  

I almost pursued Dawn this year. Maybe I would have if not for this coronavirus bullshit.  But I'm biding my time while I work part time driving for Roadie and paying off my bills. 

Just leaving my second band in a year, I know now that I CAN do it, but don't feel the need to reprove it. Photography and Graphics are gone as well. I'm happy enough to drive for now. 

Maybe now that I have stopped looking for someone,  I'll find her. OR I'll find I don't need anyone,  which would be a relief as well

Monday, July 13, 2020

July 9th's Expanded Insanity

On July 9th,  Governor Deweenie expanded the list of counties up from seven:

Here are the 12 counties requiring masks in Ohio:

  • Hamilton
  • Butler
  • Clermont
  • Montgomery
  • Cuyahoga
  • Pickaway
  • Fairfield
  • Franklin
  • Summit
  • Lorain
  • Trumbull
  • Wood

Cuyahoga,  Hamilton and Butler are on the verge of total lockdown again. 

I've had to prepare by getting masks, so that I may still make money. It is my intention to have all credit cards paid off and my car down below $10,000 by the end of the year. I've got to mask to do that. 

I'm not pursuing bands any more. My arthritis in my hand, knees and hips will prevent me from being active again 

On the Dawn front.  I believe it is dead. She's kind of disappeared.  But I learned I would like a slender,  blond with blue eyes. 

Tuesday, July 07, 2020

compelled

I feel compelled to write,  but I know not what to write. 

Currently,  my music fails me. I try to tap along with songs on the radio. Nothing comes. 

The walls of masks are closing in. Many cities have required masks in public,  even outside.  Cleveland signed on Friday last. Cuyahoga county today. I'll not go back there.  

7 counties in total in Ohio.  Now CDC Is in jeopardy of losing pandemic status despite the spikes in reporting in Ohio.  In a few weeks it could be less than 5.9% for a pandemic. Akron is making noise about going the same route. 

Heather has been busier than an attorney,  going through reports for the 14th's hearing.  Getting affidavits, highlighting notes, lots of work. 

I want to excel,  but all I'm good at is Roadie-ing. I'm making money to pay off my Bill's and severely reduce my car payments.  

Honestly,  being in a band seems like an extravagance now. I want the drums paid off. I want the loan paid off. 

With my photography and graphics companies dead, I now have no interest in either,  and yet nature photography used to warm my soul. Now... not so much.

Monday, July 06, 2020

July 6, 2020

Where do I begin?

I'm trying not to think of Dawn. She's pretty and all, slender and tall, blond and those blue eyes!! But I know there's no future there. I also know I'm one of many followers of her. I don't compete well. Nuff said.

Friday,  mayor Jackson of Cleveland signed an order to require masks in public,  like Columbus and Cincinnati.  They day Cuyahoga county isn't far behind.  Same for Akron.  All are places I won't go now. 

This weekend,  Heather went to be with Randy in a hotel.  The ONLY reason I posted it was because I need to remind myself that I should not feel guilty about Dawn or anyone else I might find.

The band...
On one hand,  I'm glad to be interesting to the guys. On the other hand,  I'm already feeling I'm letting them down.  This will be the last time.  I know I can't move the drums all the time.  It's physically hard for me. The band's name is Silverback. 




Wednesday, June 24, 2020

update

Two nights ago,  Dawn called me again.  She wants to meet.  I'm flattered,  but not sure there's anything there. We'll see,  as I try not to think about her. 

Band practice is noon, Thursday.  These guys are my age.

Yesterday,  I got a call from the lead singer of the K Street band. This is a working band like Disco. Four potential candidates for replacing their drummer leaving in October.  Wow. 


Sunday, June 21, 2020

history

So, grandma came here in 1912. Her dad,-o-papa , came earlier as a skilled tool smith, working in Pittsburgh. 

Grandpa's family arrived  early to mid 1800s in wisconsin, and grandpa's grandpa ran into trouble and moved to Cleveland.  That puts his side here around 1840. 

Dad's side (dad's grandfather, Frederick William Bruggemeier) arrived in Cleveland around 1852 with siblings either arriving then or shortly thereafter.  Linda didn't find any immigration records or what ship they arrived on.  

Cool!

It's starting to take shape

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Hmmmmm

So, by the time I got home from my deliveries today, Heather was gone somewhere.  I got home at 11:30 am. 

She later went to a friend's house to swim.  That was at 1. Texted about buying steak for dinner.  Called at 5 stating that she would be staying longer.  Finally home at 10:30. 

Oh well, I'm just the roommate. More fuel for the fire. 

Upon returning home she announced she was going to Randy's tomorrow/night. I hope she doesn't expect me to go to her dad's Sunday for father's day.  




Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Almost Time

For months I have been deleting Facebook friends to only those I know, have met or interact with them.  Now, the final clean out. 

I've closed my photography and graphics companies, left a band who's members I didn't get along with.  Quit a job I kinda liked but masks were against my standards.  

Meanwhile,  I have aggressively paid down Bill's in an effort to get more self sufficient.  I've investigated gun ownership and made a few decisions there as well.  

My clearing out of people also included some I revered and who's beliefs conflicted with my standards.  Cest laVie. 

Something is going to happen.  I can feel it. 
I hope its a new band venture,  but if not, I'm good.  

We'll see 

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

WTF??

Been on a rerun spree of sorts.

Dreams of people and places from my past. 
Driving deliveries and seeing a house... a farm... a storefront that triggered a deja vu moment or a memory of another place/time.  It's happening daily. I can't tell if it's my mind trying to get past the feeling I have that I was rejected by Dawn. I just don't know. 

Further,  my mind is in a bit of disarray,  starting one thought and then jumping to another.  Can't seem to rationalize the feelings I am having.  Wierd.


Monday, June 15, 2020

Vivid dreams again...

Last night, it was a square, empty, 1 room house occupied by the Mitchell family,  with rotting floors, broken glass on the floor,  walls leaking milk and old, rolling laminate flooring peeling off with gaping holes to fall through.

Tonight,  it was a business trip where the hotel room was cancelled and I was being evicted before the end of the conference. 

I wonder what unresolved issues my subconscious mind is trying to resolve 

Friday, June 12, 2020

in case I'm thrown off Farcebook

I've read several articles that the "New Normal" is that as many as half to two-thirds of bars and restaurants will be out of business by the end of 2020. Due to loss of business for up to half a year, plus the new restrictions,  barriers and overhead costs trying to reopen under the Coronavirus guidelines.  

What a shame.
It's not just the business owners,  their families, their employees and the like that will be affected,  but also the vendors,  suppliers and entertainment they provide.  No wonder I've already seen "See you in 2021" posted in Coming Events posters and signs. 

Now you have kids who studied their last quarter on their phones, graduating by hunching over that same phone. The aggressive CDC and Governors have unapologetically sucked the life out of the entertainment industry,  dining industry and.... WAIT! They just announced dancing is permitted IF you dance with your shelter in home cell mate!! How F@CKING generous of them. Anyone wondering why my inner rebellious patriot has risen from the dead??

Check the attached photo for a good reference. With over 98% of the population either surviving or never contracted the damn virus; and most of the infections in retirement homes, prisons or other confined conditions what was the shutdown for? 

I for one spent almost EVERY day in the past 5 months WORKING IN PUBLIC!!! How utterly Asinine the entire shut down was!!

If you dont like my comments,  better unfriend me now, because you won't care for me or my comments ever again. This sleeping Patriot has awakened and these cushy governmental "lifers" are NOT at all in touch with their electorate.

Tuesday, June 09, 2020

for future reference

This from Dr. Chuck Gbur, Cardiologist in Toledo.

Re: COVID-19

“I have been dark for the most part since this pandemic thing started. I have seen enough now that I feel it is time to share my experiences and thoughts. I am not an “Expert” like you see on CNN. However, I did earn a BS in combined sciences with an emphasis in biology and chemistry, a Doctor of Medicine degree, and completed an Internal Medicine Residency and Cardiology Fellowship. I also did post graduate work towards a PhD in Physiology, completing essentially everything short of the final few experiments to complete my thesis. I did extensive lab work using molecular biology looking at heat shock proteins. I also spent 25 years in the military working on numerous staff’s, participating in exercises and courses covering the spectrum of CBR warfare to medical logistics, Naval War College, etc. I have been a practicing Interventional Cardiologist for 25 years.

When this COVID-19 “pandemic” started, I was skeptical and felt there was a lot of people and politicians overreacting. By the end of March, I was asked to be part of our Hospital Incident Command System. At that time, I remained a little skeptical, but did my job to plan for the “worst case scenario”. I did this based on projections and models, realizing full well that no plan survives the first shot. I watched the local and national news, tract data from numerous sources, and read people’s responses and comments on social media. As time went on, the dots became less and less connected. Things didn’t and don’t add up. I am no longer skeptical, now I am convinced this entire “pandemic” has been massively mismanaged and when this is looked at retrospectively in the future, nothing short of a massive Charlie Foxtrot. Several comments/observations:

• First, I believe this virus was not naturally occurring, but genetically manipulated. I still have not formed an opinion as to whether the release was accidental or intentional.

• I think this virus was present at least several months prior to being recognized.

• People need to understand that the entire draconian response that we are witnessing was designed with a mission statement to “flatten the curve”. Not to save lives, reduce deaths or anything like that. Flattening the curve is like squishing a water balloon. You don’t change the volume in the end. You just spread things out over a longer period of time- thereby not overwhelming the hospitals.

• New York and Ohio are different. So is Wyoming and South Dakota and every other geographical area in the country. It makes no sense to develop blanket policies and apply them to a very big and diverse country. This includes nearly every policy developed by medical professional organizations, regulatory bodies, state and local health departments and the government as a whole.

• I believe Dr. Amy Acton in Ohio is a very smart person and has the best intentions at heart, but she suffers from tunnel vision and lacks “operational experience”. She was assigned a mission and will do anything to complete it- without taking into account all of the impact and unintended consequences her decisions caused. I don’t fault her, I was once a ‘young’ battalion surgeon at a Combined Arms Exercise (CAX) with 3/25 Marines. I had tunnel vision then and didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything but taking care of my battalion. Later as a little older Regimental surgeon and the MAGTF surgeon at CAX, I had a new perspective. Now I was the one all the other medical personnel below me bitched about, claimed I was taking their assets or personnel. It was because now I was responsible for not just a battalion, but an entire Marine Air Ground Task Force. And more importantly, not only was I responsible for the medical care of the MAGTF, my overriding and primary objective was to complete the assigned mission of the commanding general. Way too many policies and decisions were made based on the wrong “mission statement”. In my opinion, the mission statement should have been something like “To develop policies and procedures to mitigate/minimize the impact of COVID-19 on the population and the normal operation of the country.”

• This virus is much more prevalent than reported or realized. Some studies suggest, 50 times more people have been exposed than detected. I suspect that it’s much larger. So, if we accept the 50X number, for every diagnosed case, there are 50 people out there that have it. Of those diagnosed, 80-90+% have either no symptoms or minimal to moderate symptoms. A small percentage get seriously sick, and many will die. Those that die in general are old, have other medical issues and comorbidities. Yes, I know, there are the occasional children and young people that get sick, have other manifestations (Kawasaki like illnesses, strokes, etc.), however you see that in most viral illnesses, such as the flu. It just receives absolutely no attention from the media or social media.

• This virus will run it’s course and we can’t stop it. We may change it’s velocity or trajectory, but in the end, the same number of people will die. Keep that in mind. The same number will die. We have destroyed the economy and in the end the only thing we will be able to show is an economy in shambles and policy changes that have far reaching and irreversible consequences.

• For those of you that argue it is worth giving up “freedom” for “protection”- you are dead wrong. And in the end, you will have given up freedom and not be any safer.

• Again, we have done nothing to “cure” anyone. There is no FDA approved treatment. Hydroxychloroquine has been reported to be effective in numerous small trials. The drug is safe and cheap. Most of the military have taken it at some point. The use of this drug has been affected by politics and finances. The media and pharmaceutical companies do everything in their power to discredit a drug that cost $0.06 and is mentioned by Trump for another unapproved drug that cost $1,000.00 a day. Am I being cynical? Maybe. But keep following the money.

• “Herd Immunity” is the only thing that will really protect us. Either by vaccine (which doesn’t exist yet) or naturally occurring. By that, people need exposed, infected and then develop antibodies and immunity.

• People should be allowed to social gather. We should not be under this ‘soft’ Martial Law. If consenting adults make a decision to gather, especially on their private property, they should be allowed to, in fact they should be encouraged. If they become infected, most will not even know it. But they will be growing the herd.

• High risk people, the frail, the sick, the elderly- they should be social distancing, sheltering in place and wearing a mask. Otherwise mask and gloves are stupid and largely ineffective. A huge waste of resources.

• Speaking of wasting resources- wiping down every grocery cart, limiting access to stores, and all of the other stupid things we are doing haven’t shown to really do anything. Just wash your hands.

• Closing the schools was a mistake. All of the policies being made to reopen some time with desks 6 feet apart, not allow kids to eat in the cafeteria, etc. are not going to be effective, not protect anything, cost an immense amount of money and place a huge unnecessary burden on the school systems. Kids for the most part do really well and account for a small fraction of the cases, despite what the media tells you. They are little vectors of disease. If they stayed in school, they would all have been exposed, immune and happy and healthy, and no longer be a risk to their grandparents and other relatives at risk.

• Life in this country will never be the same. The “new norm” isn’t normal at all. In fact it’s bullshit.

• The unintended consequences of our decisions have yet to be realized but will be far reaching. I am going to LMAO once the Sokolove Law commercials come out looking for people exposed to hand sanitizer who have cancer. Just wait, it’s coming.

• There will be a “second wave” as we relax the martial law mandates. It is inevitable. Again, we didn’t do anything to stop the virus.

• If the government tries to tighten things up again, I do not think people will comply this time. Sure, the uninformed sheep will, but most people won’t.

• Yes, I know some of you had this and were really sick, felt like hell. That’s what viruses do. That’s what the flu does too.

• Yes, I know this isn’t the flu. The major difference clinically though is that there is no immunity anywhere. So, it is much more virulent. But it also isn’t some alien virus like the Andromeda Strain.

• There is most likely going to be a major food shortage this Summer and Fall. Partially due to supply chain disruption, decreased production and panic buying.

• There will likely be a spike in violent crimes- hungry people do things like that. Plus, many communities are being forced to cut back on social services due to decreases in revenue. Our local community has cut 10% of the police force because of revenue shortfalls.

• If the virus gets introduced to a tight group of old and frail people with multiple medical problems and no immunity- many will get infected and many will die. That’s what happens in nursing homes. It happens with the flu too, just not as bad because some partial immunity and protection from the flu vaccine. But it still happens.

• All of the statistics are garbage. When the State comes out and instructs you to list COVID-19 as the cause of death on death certificates regardless of actual cause of death, something is wrong. The asymptomatic COVID-19 + person hit by a truck didn’t die from the virus. Then 2 weeks later you are instructed to count a suspected case as an official case- we will never be able to look at the data and draw reasonable conclusions.

• The sooner people get out and get on with their lives, the better we all will be. A flatten curved is just a long drawn out tragedy causing far more harm than good.

• There is going to be increasing polarization in society, it has already been pretty bad. But mix in an election year and throw in a pandemic, gasoline on the fire.

• Speaking of gasoline- when oil hit -$40.00/barrel (that’s negative forty dollars), think what that means. Yea, maybe lower gas prices, but it also crippled the American oil industry. The environmental extremist may be thrilled- but wait until they are hungry. The appearance of the virus during this glut is one thing that makes me wonder about an intentional release of the virus.

• The next war isn’t going to be guns and bombs- but economic warfare, cyber warfare using viruses to wreck economies.

• The future isn’t really that bright.”